Betsy Loeb
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How can I reconcile “letting go of self as a path to happiness”?
I think that the “self” or “ego” as “holding onto one’s existence” as described by Chogyman Trumpa Rinpoche in this article helps me to see how claustophobic my life could be. I know that when helping others to feel happy, I, too, feel happy. And, I don’t mean it in a transactional way.Is it possible? I think it is. I think through practicing meditation, becoming familiar with my own mind, my old habits and practicing the paramitas, this can arise naturally.
An example: I feel this naturally with being with my grandsons. I think it comes spontaneously for many reasons: I was an early childhood educator and know how important positive experiences are for the well-being of a child’s development. I also feel daily the upheaval in our world where I see the aggression that arises from a “me first” attitude and a scarcity mentality. I think my study of Buddhism has provided me the framework to understand how supporting one another can change the world.
Is it always easy? No. In fact, just yesterday I was at a new carwash. After the young man showed me my car to see if everything was alright, I noticed a twenty dollar bill in my cup holder. I asked him where this came from? He said it was caught within the seat cushion. I was so surprised and impressed with his action. I, however, tipped him with a $10 bill when shortly after I realized that I should have tipped him with that $20 for his honesty and good work. I felt terrible. I could see that I had a scarcity mentality and lacked generosity. Had I given him the $20 I imagine he would have been happy and I would have, too!! Not the same, but I have contacted the business to let them know about their good & honest worker.
Dear David, What beautiful words that you expressed in your essay. Yes, “almost everyone can relate to”. And, you seem to have strengthened who you are, have become more compassionate to others and may I dare say, more compassionate to yourself. Such valuable lessons. I wish you continued discovery, strength and love on your journey.
Dear Helene, What beautiful words that you gave to your painful experience. It strikes me on so many levels. The most of which resonates for me is your courage to adopt. My father was adopted at age 5 years old. We have few records and none tell the story of why he was in an orphanage. He was born in 1909 so records weren’t so well kept. The orphanage burned down and that resulted in loss of records. I often wonder what it must have been like for all involved. But, what I’m delighted about is he was always with smiles, love and jokes!! I miss my dad so much; he was a very loving father.
My reflection on a painful experience: I feel like a broken record. My experience was my divorce from a 20 year relationship at the age of 45 years old with 2 young children. At that point and for a good 10 years I felt like I had bottomed out…groundlessness was ever present. As I told my therapist: “But, I’ve had a boyfriend since first grade!” “I don’t know how to love myself!”
How is it now that it’s in the past? Now that it’s 30 years ago!! I still feel a loss. But, I think it’s a story I tell myself. “That my world would be just perfect if I was in a loving relationship.”
I found meditation and Buddhist teachings about 15 years ago. This has helped me to realize my connectedness with others who feel “alone”. I had been so dependent upon my husband back then, I didn’t know who I was. Through the years I’ve grown in confidence, in independence and in joy of so many new experiences. I guess you could say that I’ve become “a more truthful version of who you already are.”
My journey is far from over, and I am still on the path on discovering my truth.
Susan, thank you so much for this contemplation.I couldn’t figure out how to edit my response to essay. But the “Land of Udeana” as I wrote I believe the correct spelling is “Uddiyana”.
My lineage and who I request blessings from? Fortunately for me I’ve previously heard Susan’s teaching on how to keep my practice spiritual. I ask blessings from a few teachers from Buddhist tradition (Pema, Susan), my therapist (Carol), a spiritual friend (Anne). When I say their names, I touch my right shoulder. Others are my personal, family lineage (my daughters, grandsons, my siblings) and those who are deceased (my parents, grandparents and my ancestors) and my long-time personal friend (Ellyn). I then touch my left shoulder.
I also evoke blessings through a “chant” that Susan offered: “Hum, in the Northwest land of Udeana (sp?) on a blooming lotus flower…” and “Grant your blessings so that my mind may be one with the Dharma…”. These don’t specify a particular person, but for me evoke the spiritual leaders of the Tibetan Buddhist lineage going back to the Buddha.
I also feel flexible that if I find that I want to add to my lineage for blessings such as my Jewish heritage, or elderly divorced women living alone, or grandmothers or those searching for Peace and sanity that I may do that as well!!
Betsy Loeb
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Dear Ann, Thank you for your response with connection. And, you brought laughter to me with your words, “soul mate…want to change him all the time.” Fabulous!! May you see in him the love that continues to hold true for both of you.Dear Susie, Thank you for your response to my aging! I really appreciate your words: Gratitude = Buoyancy. I will keep that as a lovely mantra. My parents were quite a bit older than me, my dad 43 yrs older, my mom, 40 yrs older. I remember growing up always being aware of that, especially because some of my friends had grandparents who were their peers. So I didn’t want them to die when I still was too young. Unfortunately my dad died when I was in my early 30’s…too young for me; and my mom, in my late 40’s … still too young for me. I don’t know now what it means to have elderly parents to care/love for, but I wish you the courage, the love, the compassion to be there for them and for you.
Dear Donna, Thank you for your honest sharing of the difficulties during your childhood. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of reflecting and coming to some peace with it all. May you continue to find solace in knowing that you aren’t alone in life’s experiences of suffering. Betsy
Dear Kelly, Thank you for your courage with your descriptions of the difficulty of this reading. I, too, had many questions about what different concepts meant: If our world and ourselves are a creation of ignorance and emotional afflictions rooted in grasping at self, how is it that the nature of mind is absolute truth, buddha nature & voidness. How do the 4 “emblems” relate to the 4 Noble Truths? These are just a few examples.
BetsyIt’s hard to pick just one type of suffering! But, since I’m 75 years old the suffering of aging seems logical and ever present. In my own words: the suffering caused by aging emphasizes how transitory life is, how we and others are forever changing and that close behind the suffering of aging is dying and death. Seemingly the ultimate fear.
Fortunately, I’ve been very healthy most of my life. It really wasn’t until a few months before my 75th birthday when I had a major fall, broke my ankle in several places and stayed in the hospital for a week, that I realized how fragile my independent living (I Live alone) had become. Fortunately for now, after searching for independent living places, I decided that for now I could continue to live in my house of 40 years!
I think the thing about growing old is clearly not having control over the future. Of course, that’s true at any age, but it seems so ever present now.
I find myself trying to shove many activities in now before it’s too late. Eg. traveling, joining a fitness center, going to different events to be entertained. And, I realize how fortunate I am to have both the financial means, physical and emotional means for this.
One area of my life that I’m disappointed in is that I’ve been divorced for almost 30 years. Loneliness at times can be unbearable. And, at 75 yrs old meeting my soulmate is close to absurd!
Anyway, I don’t like moaning and complaining about my life circumstances. I have been so very fortunate in my life.
Hello, Karen
As I read your response, I feel so much dedication and determination from you in getting to know yourself and the world. I was struck by your analysis of how you actually spend your time to determine your devotion. I also was struck by your devotion to self-learning (your observation of your stress) and to learning about the world (“I read a lot and take a lot of classes…). It seems that you have many aspirations and central is love, health and knowing. I wish you joy, happiness and a sense of fulfillment as you continue along your journey.Hello, David
When I read your response to the question of devotion, I feel such warmth, big hearted-ness and gentleness radiating from your words. I feel your kind presence. It appears as if you have a lovely circle of teachers surrounding you and that you then become a pivotal point to extend your teachings as an educator. Wishing you and those you impact much happiness.Thank you so much for the article and the thought-provoking questions.
My first thought (and not my best thought in this case) is that Pema Chodron and you Susan Piver are my gurus. However, as I re-read the article, I don’t think that is the case. Though I learn so much from listening and reading both your works, it’s not that “our mind becomes one with the mind of the Lama”.
How and where to develop devotion? I believe it is to continue to study the dharma mostly as taught through Pema and Susan and to continue to have a regular siting meditation. As the article mentions, “Such differences do not exist. This is really the secret of meditation.” I think it is to continue to actively participate with OHP, and that overtime maybe a lama will reveal itself to me. I don’t think I can make it happen. I think that’s where the letting go and relaxing will be of benefit.
I am devoted to my daughters, to my grandsons, to my family and to my close friends. I am devoted to my spiritual path by continuing to study the dharma, to practice sitting and to be with fellow travelers (OHP Sangha and my local Shambhala Sangha). I am devoted to the 3 jewels: the Buddha, the dharma and the Sangha. I am devoted to PEACE, kindness and curiosity; to not giving up. I think our world needs love and compassion, and I’d like to be one small part in helping that spread.
Thank you.Hi! My name is Betsy Loeb. I live in Columbus, OH. I have been meditating for about 15 years. I’m part of our local Shambhala Sangha and joined OHP I think at the beginning of the pandemic. I have been retired for 10 years. I have 2 grown daughters and 3 grandsons: Ezra, 9 years and his brother Oliver 6.5 yrs and they live in Philadelphia, PA. My other grandson Sam, 6.5 years lives a few blocks away. I look forward to deepening my practice and potentially teaching if it seems like the right thing to do. I’m eager to meet all of you.
