Betsy Loeb
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
This is such an intriguing question.
I had a vague idea of what “idiot compassion” might refer to: acting compassionate but doing it out of self-interest. I think that is part of it. However, I did a search and found an article that was very helpful. (https://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/idiot-compassion by Bodhipaksa.
“Idiot compassion is avoiding conflict, letting people walk all over you, not giving people a hard time when actually they need to be given a hard time. It’s “being nice,” or “being good.” This reminds me of how often I’ve heard Susan say in many teachings, “It’s not about being nice.”“It’s not compassion at all. It ends up causing us pain, and it ends up causing others pain.
The more someone self-consciously thinks of themselves as compassionate, the more likely it is that they’re a compassionate idiot.
Idiot compassion lacks both courage and intelligence.”
The above that I took from the article helps me to understand why I think the reference of “idiot compassion” was placed in the section under “Destroying”. I see how sometimes destroying or cutting something can be the compassionate thing to be done. That most often I think of “to destroy” as something negative or “against peace; is warfare”. However, as I contemplate the meaning of “destroy” as the fourth Karma action, I can see that in certain circumstances (such as setting boundaries. Examples might be as meditation teachers being clear about the importance of boundaries between teacher & student) it is the appropriate action to take.
I also understand from the THE FOUR KARMAS by Chogyam Trungpa article states: “three karmic processes of pacifying, enriching, and magnetizing are actually gentle compassion. And there’s a tendency… that one might get fooled,…we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle. This compassion could turn into idiot compassion.” I think that is when we think that Buddhist actions can only be kind, friendly, peaceful instead of engaging with a bold honesty (“No, I don’t like when you do or say that.”).
“Therefore it is important to have the fourth karma, the quality of
destruction, so that compassion doesn’t become idiot compassion, but it evolves…”“Compassion is wishing that beings be free from suffering.” I think true compassion is when our actions or words provide a selfless act of wishing that this other person be free from suffering. Our loving-kindness practice offers this compassion through this wish.
I think that we grow in our awareness of compassion (one of the 4 limitless qualities or 4 Immeasurables which are innate and part of our BuddhaNature.) It is through meditation practice that we can begin to know our mind, become aware in our life experiences what habitual patterns may be interfering with our ability to see clearly and take intelligent actions.
Dear Ginny, So sorry for your loss of your friend. It’s never “easy” or “the right time” to lose someone who has played such a meaningful part in our lives (& for our children). Please be gentle with yourself. And, know that life is so complex, so filled and we can only do so much…only 24 hrs in a day. I’m glad to read that you have such self-awareness to cry, to walk and to be with your grief. Your friend would want that for you.
Dear David, Once again I rejoice in that you are a teacher! What fortunate children. One example is your giving the students time to share and reflect on their life experiences with each other and you. Not only are you learning from them, but they are learning from each other. And, I imagine that there is a deep respect surrounding this time that will support them throughout their lives. Yeah!
Because you’ve been aware of trauma sensitivity for your students, I have no doubt that when the time comes during your teaching meditation to others, that you will handle it with love and care.
Betsy
Dear Kelly, I appreciate your referencing the importance of “medical/medicinal therapeutic support” at times. I have often heard Susan state to different Sangha members with a concern or question that they have that she is not a psychologist/therapist and it is not something that she feels is appropriate to offer a response.
It sounds like you have a lot of experience relating to many different people. And, that through your studies and experiences that you are able to intuitively use the 4 Rs. I think that is both a skill and a sensitivity that you’ve honed that others (including myself) don’t have. Please honor yourself with those gifts!
And, I, too, like the notion of the 4R’s as a “chord”.
Thank you for your reflection.
BetsyThank you, Susan, for offering this video and reflection.
I have a few examples from my experiences that I didn’t realize were related to trauma sensitivity.
My yoga instructor (who I think is THE BEST!) has always handed out index cards with “Yes” or “No” to all students. Yes, I’m good with adjustments with touches; no, I’d prefer not. I never thought further about this. Just thought of it as her extension of being nice and caring.I volunteer weekly for a couple of hours in my grandson’s K-1 classroom. The teacher doesn’t have an assistant this year due to no more funding that was provided by Covid support. She has 26 children which is a lot. Many years ago I was a first grade teacher for a few years. It was The Most Difficult job I’ve ever had!! So I have great empathy for what she must feel. Anyway, this day we took the kids outside for a required school bus safety lesson. When we were going back into the building and I was at the end of the line a little boy was lagging behind. I “gently” touched his shoulder to encourage him to keep up. He “freaked out” and yelled and wiggled further behind. I went to the teacher and told her it was my fault. She came and guided him. I felt terrible, but didn’t realize until now that he must have responded from a trauma sensitive place.
This teaching helps me now to 1) realize how wide-spread this impact can be and to hope that I didn’t cause 4) Re-traumatization for this sweet little boy.
Currently, I don’t think I can 2) Recognize a trauma sensitive person (I need much more guidance on that) nor do I have 3)the tools in my tool box to Respond appropriately.
I feel confident, however, that if given more information and guidance that if having the opportunity to Teach Meditation I will gained those necessary tools.
Thank you for this so important topic.
BetsyDear Kate, I appreciate much of what you stated in your writing. It reflects your deep appreciation for the teachings…instructions of meditation and Pema’s “feel the feelings…”. Your description “…solid turn out to be wobbly Jell-O molds. Take a bite and it turns into sweet life-juice.” is so vivid and beautifully descriptive of impermanence and being with what is. Thank you for sharing it all!
Dear David, Your essay put a smile on my face. I can just imagine your “Jiminy Cricket” supporting your awareness of your emotions and/or actions.
If I recall correctly, I believe that you are a teacher. So it’s not surprising that your “internal witness, …behaves like a teacher”. And, how wonderful that this teacher “… comes out in search of my care and well-being”. I hear Susan’s words in this. The most important thing is to be gentle with oneself. And, you reflect that in your description. Lastly when you “recognize its voice among the hubbub of noise that is going on inside our brains and bodies, specially when facing difficult emotions.” gives such a vivid description of what I, too, feel so often but haven’t put into such words “hubbub of noise”. Love that!
PS In a previous reply to one of my essays I think I gave you the wrong impression that I was currently a teacher. I’m retired from an advocacy organization that supporting early childhood teachers/administrators and home providers. Many, many years ago I taught first grade and preschool for a short while. Today I volunteered in my grandson’s first grade class, and again saw the challenges for teachers (and the little recognition that the broader community gives them). So I want to say to you, those children are fortunate to have you as their teacher!Dear Dominic, Your essay reflects so much your integration of the teachings and the value of sitting meditation. I can feel your emotions through your words “I felt my emotions without a filter, very raw, I could experience what was going on inside of me and just be with it.” You’ve experienced your losses (especially your mom) deeply and continue to connect with the impermanence without grasping in an unhealthy manner. Congratulations to you! May you continue to appreciate how far you’ve come. Betsy
I do think that meditation has helped me with difficult emotions.
When I’m meditating I feel much more in touch with “me”. If I’m relaxed and not hurried I will remember to notice how I’m feeling before I start my practice. And, while practicing I see how my mind thoughts come and go as do my feelings. Again, at the end of my practice, if I remember to check-in with my feelings, they usually have shifted a bit. They may seem to still be difficult, but at least I can feel that there’s been a shift. These experiences give me the trust to remember when having difficult emotions, these too will ride the wave of change.Dear Helene,
Glad you shared that last part! and your essay was so filled with teachings. And, driving seems to be a universal concern. It seems daily that someone talks about the difficulties in the speeds and recklessness by many drivers. I can only hope that more people will become aware of our own tendencies and help to make driving safer.Dear Kate, It sounds like you are reading a very interesting book especially with these times of growing tension leading up to our elections in the USA.
Doug is so fortunate to have you as a friend, as someone he can be genuine with his feelings. I appreciate how you left your own needs (of hunger) to be with him. And, to relate with him on your common experience of reading the book with the reminder: “As the future unfolds, we can act from the best parts of ourselves.”
I appreciate that quote. It is so universal as a reminder to all of us regardless of circumstances. It’s a gentle reminder that we can only act with who we are in the moment and be kind to ourselves and have the intention to “act from the best parts of ourselves”.
With great appreciation to you for sharing your wisdom with all of us, Betsy
Thanks, Karen, for your insights and they are so well-written! As Kate mentioned, your relating to ego as Brussel sprouts gave me deeper meaning (& laughter) to Chogyam Trungpa’s definition. And, what wisdom that you caught yourself wanting to “convert” the Philippine woman to your point of view. I find that especially true for myself with others during this intense lead up to our elections in the USA.
How can I reconcile “letting go of self as a path to happiness”?
I think that the “self” or “ego” as “holding onto one’s existence” as described by Chogyman Trumpa Rinpoche in this article helps me to see how claustophobic my life could be. I know that when helping others to feel happy, I, too, feel happy. And, I don’t mean it in a transactional way.Is it possible? I think it is. I think through practicing meditation, becoming familiar with my own mind, my old habits and practicing the paramitas, this can arise naturally.
An example: I feel this naturally with being with my grandsons. I think it comes spontaneously for many reasons: I was an early childhood educator and know how important positive experiences are for the well-being of a child’s development. I also feel daily the upheaval in our world where I see the aggression that arises from a “me first” attitude and a scarcity mentality. I think my study of Buddhism has provided me the framework to understand how supporting one another can change the world.
Is it always easy? No. In fact, just yesterday I was at a new carwash. After the young man showed me my car to see if everything was alright, I noticed a twenty dollar bill in my cup holder. I asked him where this came from? He said it was caught within the seat cushion. I was so surprised and impressed with his action. I, however, tipped him with a $10 bill when shortly after I realized that I should have tipped him with that $20 for his honesty and good work. I felt terrible. I could see that I had a scarcity mentality and lacked generosity. Had I given him the $20 I imagine he would have been happy and I would have, too!! Not the same, but I have contacted the business to let them know about their good & honest worker.
Dear David, What beautiful words that you expressed in your essay. Yes, “almost everyone can relate to”. And, you seem to have strengthened who you are, have become more compassionate to others and may I dare say, more compassionate to yourself. Such valuable lessons. I wish you continued discovery, strength and love on your journey.
