Betsy Loeb
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Dear Amy,
What an intimate “conversation” with Thich Hat Hans. Your words reflect your heart-felt desires to mix your mind with his. To hold his teachings in your heart, to guide you on your path. Your “do you feel hopeful?” is my question, too. And, what a loving response: “sweet one,….and will ever be.” Thank you for your insights through your writing.Dear Sue Ellen,
What a beautiful and powerful “conversation” with your grandfather. I never knew my grandparents (they died before I was born) so imagining how valuable your time was with him is so lovely. And, your words of description of his teachings “debris field after a shipwreck” and “The ship was no more, but the shore was still there, the water cleared.” are all so poetic, beautiful and firmly held in your heart. Thank you for sharing your grandfather with me.My desired conversation with Pema Chodron.
Me: Hello, Pema. There are so many things that I’d like to say to you; but I want to keep this brief to respect your time. It’s such an honor to be in your presence. You are revered by 1,000 of people all over the world who live in a multitude of circumstances and are of so many ages and yet I believe you have been able to touch each persons’ heart. What is your secret?
Pema: Betsy, I have no secret. Somehow the causes and conditions (and they haven’t all been happy ones) have come together for that to have occurred. I hold the 3 Jewels (the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha) as the gateway on my path and as a commitment to making a positive difference for others.Me: Pema, when I first connected with you through one of your books, When Things Fall Apart” I was in the midst of a divorce from my husband of almost 20 years. I learned that we had many things in common: you and I both school teachers, your husband had suddenly asked for a divorce and you are a mother as am I. How is it that you didn’t just give up?
Pema: I wish I knew the answer to that question. Somehow I had seen how trying quick fix ways weren’t lasting. I didn’t buy the approach of escapism or of self-help techniques. I was fortunate to connect with Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. It is with his guidance, his teachings that I began my path. Sitting meditation practice I learned was essential for discovering my mind, to uncovering my neuroses and for taking these teachings into my life.Me: Pema, I’ve been practicing for over 15 years! And, I’m still me. How long does it take to feel less anxious, fearful, self-judging, and inconsequential? Not that I feel these all the time, but when I do, I feel my heart harden towards myself (and sometimes others).
Pema: Oh, you’re human! The mind produces such thoughts that trigger complementary feelings. These are the gateways to compassion. Your link to others who have had similar experiences. Also, “out of nowhere, we stop struggling and relax. We stop talking to ourselves and come back to the freshness of the present moment. This “evolves gradually, patiently, over time.” How long? “I would say it takes the rest of our lives.”Me: Pema, I believe you’re now 88 years old. Congratulations, and may you continue to live a long life and be of benefit to many in this world. I understand that you have many physical ailments and many responsibilities. And, yet you have such a wonderful sense of humor. How do you keep that sense of joy and laughter so ever present?
Pema: One thing I’d say is that Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche had a great sense of humor and maybe I integrated that into my heart. He would often say, “Lighten up!” I don’t know about you, but I do feel my heart open wider when I lighten up, when I laugh or smile, when I appreciate that we are all humans and are on this path together. When I relax.Me: Thank you, Pema, for your wisdom, your laughter and supporting me on my path.
Dear Lacey,
I appreciate your comment “connect ritual to shrine to meditation and back”. I hadn’t thought of it in that way, but indeed it’s a great thing to ponder.
I also find your comment that a shrine “naturally started to happen on my old stove” so delightful. I’m imagining in your “house of chaos” as you describe that this old stove says, “Don’t ignore me! I can help. I can be a beautiful shrine!”
I do hope you’ll be brave enough to share.
Best to you,
BetsyDear Sue Ellen,
I’ll start with your last comment about the plant. This made me laugh. I can just imagine your relationship with this plant. I have a few plants that have particular meaning for me. They fill me with love.
My shrine also contains objects that relate to family. These bring me great appreciation and joy as I imagine yours do, too.
Thank you for your sharing.
BetsyMaking offerings: Currently I have one main shrine in a beautiful space that is a renovated attic. The shrine utilizes a large thread box with 2 drawers that belonged to my Dad and used in his store “Henry Loeb Co. Ltd”. It holds loving memories for me. On top I have a photo of Pema, a card from Susan 2 of my teachers who have made a huge difference in my life. I also have the following: tea candle, yarn bird that I made (mixes my love for yarn and nature), a pottery vase (was my mothers & holds her love), a wooden carved figure holding the world (from Ghana where I traveled with my younger daughter & I met the artist who signed it for me & represents my appreciation for people of the world & their art & love for my daughter), 2 little people made of Femo (older daughter made when she was a teenager, brings me joy & her love), small Buddha (given to me by my older daughter, provides me with reminder of wakefulness & my daughter’s love), Tibetan beads/Malas (originally belonged to a Sangha sister in Shambhala who is deceased, reminds me of my beginnings of meditation). It may seem like a lot of my shrine, but they all sit quite comfortably and spaciously!
I have another little shrine that is new and I enjoy walking past it and gazing at it. The following are in my living room on an antique table: a hand-crafted, felted Grandmom (I feel so honored to have 3 young grandsons from my 2 daughters), 4 little crafts that 2 of them made & gave me (reminder of their sweetness), a Troll buddha (my oldest gave me & brings me her love & respect), a plastic alligator (same daughter gave me & reminds me of my lineage of my family growing up in Louisiana) and photos of all 3 of my grandsons (preciousness of human birth and their delightful ways). This is my grandmother shrine.
Since Susan taught about request Blessings I do that in front of my main shrine. After I light the candle, I touch my right shoulder and thank my “teachers”: Pema, Susan, my long-time therapist Carol and a young friend Yoga instructor Anne. I touch my left shoulder and thank my daughters Jenny and Rachel, my grandsons Ezra, Ollie and Sam, my siblings Larry, Henry & Sarah Ann, my grandparents (who I never knew in person), my ancestors and my good friend of almost 50 years Ellyn.
I also chant The Four Dharmas of Gampopa and In the Northwest Land of Uni…on a blooming Lotus flower…Intellectually I understand all 3 are encompassed in meditation practice. I feel the elements of the Hinayana in my sitting with whatever is…my various thoughts and feelings and not judging. Just staying with whatever my life is…not wanting another “now”. Mahayana: I feel my heart softening and opening as I wish to be of benefit to others. I’m delighted to have taken the Meditation Teacher Training course and look forward to leading the sitting in a few days. I see that as a direct way to hopefully be of benefit to others. Vajrayana: The more and more I take to heart Susan’s teachings, I feel myself letting go of needing “objective” reasoning and more opening to “not knowing”.
Hello to All,
My name is Betsy and I live in Columbus, OH. Most recently I took the Buddhism in EveryDay Life course and the Meditation Teacher Training. I’m looking forward to this course to build on these two wonderful courses. For me, having the opportunity to study with Susan and others is one of my joys in life. I feel the most sane. And, in a world of great insanity I feel whatever I can do to make a difference is so important.Dear Susan,
First I’d like to thank you for your essay. Your writing digs so deep into your own vulnerability that I feel like that is my biggest “take-away”. Your teachings are so meaningful to me because you model a way to match the dharma with the truth of who you are. You’re an inspiration.I’m sure as a parent educator of many years (which was many years ago) I made huge mistakes of using my own experiences as a parent of young children to color my teachings, guidance and listening to other parents. It’s just too long ago to remember!
However, I want to reflect on a time when I was supervisor of a team in a non-profit agency. I had been there for at least 10 years (again it’s been a long time ago) and the agency was going through a big change. This was probably in the late 1990’s or early 2000’s. It used to be that this agency and the expectations of its funders (and I think many non-profits) could offer services to be helpful to the community they served without worry. But, then all that changed. We began to pick up a “business model” of “proving with deliverables” that the funders’ money was being spent wisely with statistical proof vs “stories” of how we were making a difference in people’s lives. (I’m sorry, it’s hard to explain briefly.)
Anyway, my boss thought my team wasn’t meeting the “deliverables” and I needed to be more “tough” on them. So I did. Then later I saw that I was being harsh and hurting people. I felt awful. To try and rectify, I took photos of objects in nature and/or created beautiful images and gave each member of the team this card to reflect who I thought they really were.
So the question of “how to remain with my own experience and also see how it colors my responses to others” wasn’t done well in the above situation. I think my story reflects my confusion of how to balance the pressure that I felt from my boss with how to meet the needs of my team so that we could all have our needs met.It didn’t work well for the team and sometime after I was transferred to a different position!! Though I took the transfer as a failure, I think in the end, it was a good thing. I was able to initiate some creative work that was more supportive to who I was and had beneficial results with those I connected to.
Dear Kate, OMG! I would imagine it would be difficult under normal circumstances to be both the director (as a teen) of a children’s theatre (where I imagine the age differences weren’t huge) and manage to offer the children support and necessary critique to their acting without blowing up the relationship and trust. And, then for you to be able to hold it all together in the midst of such a fiasco is amazing! I think your story would make for a great short story or a play!!
Dear Ginny,
Oh, my! What a difficult situation you were in…to teach about transitions when you yourself were going through one of what I believe is certainly in one of the top most stressful life experiences: a divorce from a 37-year marriage.
You stated: “As I recall, my bringing it up was a natural part of the conversation, and definitely not something I said right at the start of our time together. I didn’t cry or breakdown, and I didn’t dwell on it either, as I did not want the focus to be on me and my situation. I think I said it as a way of being in shared community with others in their own life transitions.”
It seems so appropriate to me what you did and how you did it. I’m not sure why you’ve concluded that it was wrong. The students seemed to have given you positive feed-back. I think because it was linked to life transitions, it was helpful. Had you been teaching a water color painting class, not so much. Please be gentle with yourself.Dear Gwen
I found your statement: “This can lead us to prioritize a sense of calm at all costs, sometimes resulting in emotional suppression or numbing.” helpful in deepening how idiot compassion not only is not helpful to the person who we are giving it to, but can also be a cover for our own emotional wounds. Thank you for linking those two processes.
Betsy
