Betsy Loeb
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Dear Lacey,
I appreciate your comment “connect ritual to shrine to meditation and back”. I hadn’t thought of it in that way, but indeed it’s a great thing to ponder.
I also find your comment that a shrine “naturally started to happen on my old stove” so delightful. I’m imagining in your “house of chaos” as you describe that this old stove says, “Don’t ignore me! I can help. I can be a beautiful shrine!”
I do hope you’ll be brave enough to share.
Best to you,
BetsyDear Sue Ellen,
I’ll start with your last comment about the plant. This made me laugh. I can just imagine your relationship with this plant. I have a few plants that have particular meaning for me. They fill me with love.
My shrine also contains objects that relate to family. These bring me great appreciation and joy as I imagine yours do, too.
Thank you for your sharing.
BetsyMaking offerings: Currently I have one main shrine in a beautiful space that is a renovated attic. The shrine utilizes a large thread box with 2 drawers that belonged to my Dad and used in his store “Henry Loeb Co. Ltd”. It holds loving memories for me. On top I have a photo of Pema, a card from Susan 2 of my teachers who have made a huge difference in my life. I also have the following: tea candle, yarn bird that I made (mixes my love for yarn and nature), a pottery vase (was my mothers & holds her love), a wooden carved figure holding the world (from Ghana where I traveled with my younger daughter & I met the artist who signed it for me & represents my appreciation for people of the world & their art & love for my daughter), 2 little people made of Femo (older daughter made when she was a teenager, brings me joy & her love), small Buddha (given to me by my older daughter, provides me with reminder of wakefulness & my daughter’s love), Tibetan beads/Malas (originally belonged to a Sangha sister in Shambhala who is deceased, reminds me of my beginnings of meditation). It may seem like a lot of my shrine, but they all sit quite comfortably and spaciously!
I have another little shrine that is new and I enjoy walking past it and gazing at it. The following are in my living room on an antique table: a hand-crafted, felted Grandmom (I feel so honored to have 3 young grandsons from my 2 daughters), 4 little crafts that 2 of them made & gave me (reminder of their sweetness), a Troll buddha (my oldest gave me & brings me her love & respect), a plastic alligator (same daughter gave me & reminds me of my lineage of my family growing up in Louisiana) and photos of all 3 of my grandsons (preciousness of human birth and their delightful ways). This is my grandmother shrine.
Since Susan taught about request Blessings I do that in front of my main shrine. After I light the candle, I touch my right shoulder and thank my “teachers”: Pema, Susan, my long-time therapist Carol and a young friend Yoga instructor Anne. I touch my left shoulder and thank my daughters Jenny and Rachel, my grandsons Ezra, Ollie and Sam, my siblings Larry, Henry & Sarah Ann, my grandparents (who I never knew in person), my ancestors and my good friend of almost 50 years Ellyn.
I also chant The Four Dharmas of Gampopa and In the Northwest Land of Uni…on a blooming Lotus flower…Intellectually I understand all 3 are encompassed in meditation practice. I feel the elements of the Hinayana in my sitting with whatever is…my various thoughts and feelings and not judging. Just staying with whatever my life is…not wanting another “now”. Mahayana: I feel my heart softening and opening as I wish to be of benefit to others. I’m delighted to have taken the Meditation Teacher Training course and look forward to leading the sitting in a few days. I see that as a direct way to hopefully be of benefit to others. Vajrayana: The more and more I take to heart Susan’s teachings, I feel myself letting go of needing “objective” reasoning and more opening to “not knowing”.
Hello to All,
My name is Betsy and I live in Columbus, OH. Most recently I took the Buddhism in EveryDay Life course and the Meditation Teacher Training. I’m looking forward to this course to build on these two wonderful courses. For me, having the opportunity to study with Susan and others is one of my joys in life. I feel the most sane. And, in a world of great insanity I feel whatever I can do to make a difference is so important.Dear Susan,
First I’d like to thank you for your essay. Your writing digs so deep into your own vulnerability that I feel like that is my biggest “take-away”. Your teachings are so meaningful to me because you model a way to match the dharma with the truth of who you are. You’re an inspiration.I’m sure as a parent educator of many years (which was many years ago) I made huge mistakes of using my own experiences as a parent of young children to color my teachings, guidance and listening to other parents. It’s just too long ago to remember!
However, I want to reflect on a time when I was supervisor of a team in a non-profit agency. I had been there for at least 10 years (again it’s been a long time ago) and the agency was going through a big change. This was probably in the late 1990’s or early 2000’s. It used to be that this agency and the expectations of its funders (and I think many non-profits) could offer services to be helpful to the community they served without worry. But, then all that changed. We began to pick up a “business model” of “proving with deliverables” that the funders’ money was being spent wisely with statistical proof vs “stories” of how we were making a difference in people’s lives. (I’m sorry, it’s hard to explain briefly.)
Anyway, my boss thought my team wasn’t meeting the “deliverables” and I needed to be more “tough” on them. So I did. Then later I saw that I was being harsh and hurting people. I felt awful. To try and rectify, I took photos of objects in nature and/or created beautiful images and gave each member of the team this card to reflect who I thought they really were.
So the question of “how to remain with my own experience and also see how it colors my responses to others” wasn’t done well in the above situation. I think my story reflects my confusion of how to balance the pressure that I felt from my boss with how to meet the needs of my team so that we could all have our needs met.It didn’t work well for the team and sometime after I was transferred to a different position!! Though I took the transfer as a failure, I think in the end, it was a good thing. I was able to initiate some creative work that was more supportive to who I was and had beneficial results with those I connected to.
Dear Kate, OMG! I would imagine it would be difficult under normal circumstances to be both the director (as a teen) of a children’s theatre (where I imagine the age differences weren’t huge) and manage to offer the children support and necessary critique to their acting without blowing up the relationship and trust. And, then for you to be able to hold it all together in the midst of such a fiasco is amazing! I think your story would make for a great short story or a play!!
Dear Ginny,
Oh, my! What a difficult situation you were in…to teach about transitions when you yourself were going through one of what I believe is certainly in one of the top most stressful life experiences: a divorce from a 37-year marriage.
You stated: “As I recall, my bringing it up was a natural part of the conversation, and definitely not something I said right at the start of our time together. I didn’t cry or breakdown, and I didn’t dwell on it either, as I did not want the focus to be on me and my situation. I think I said it as a way of being in shared community with others in their own life transitions.”
It seems so appropriate to me what you did and how you did it. I’m not sure why you’ve concluded that it was wrong. The students seemed to have given you positive feed-back. I think because it was linked to life transitions, it was helpful. Had you been teaching a water color painting class, not so much. Please be gentle with yourself.Dear Gwen
I found your statement: “This can lead us to prioritize a sense of calm at all costs, sometimes resulting in emotional suppression or numbing.” helpful in deepening how idiot compassion not only is not helpful to the person who we are giving it to, but can also be a cover for our own emotional wounds. Thank you for linking those two processes.
BetsySo interesting to think of this as parent-child relationships at all ages. Thank you, Jenn, that sounds like stereotypical ways that some girls were raised.
Hello, Anne
Such a lovely description of “True Compassion”…”more considered and well, quieter”.It sounds like you have found ways to soften your childhood habitual patterns that messaged you to take care of “everyone else’s emotional state”. It appears that through your studies and the reflections of your life experiences you have been able to do so. I want to guess that also from teachers and sangha members you have met models for expressing true compassion.
Wishing you continued support on your life’s journey.
Betsy
This is such an intriguing question.
I had a vague idea of what “idiot compassion” might refer to: acting compassionate but doing it out of self-interest. I think that is part of it. However, I did a search and found an article that was very helpful. (https://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/idiot-compassion by Bodhipaksa.
“Idiot compassion is avoiding conflict, letting people walk all over you, not giving people a hard time when actually they need to be given a hard time. It’s “being nice,” or “being good.” This reminds me of how often I’ve heard Susan say in many teachings, “It’s not about being nice.”“It’s not compassion at all. It ends up causing us pain, and it ends up causing others pain.
The more someone self-consciously thinks of themselves as compassionate, the more likely it is that they’re a compassionate idiot.
Idiot compassion lacks both courage and intelligence.”
The above that I took from the article helps me to understand why I think the reference of “idiot compassion” was placed in the section under “Destroying”. I see how sometimes destroying or cutting something can be the compassionate thing to be done. That most often I think of “to destroy” as something negative or “against peace; is warfare”. However, as I contemplate the meaning of “destroy” as the fourth Karma action, I can see that in certain circumstances (such as setting boundaries. Examples might be as meditation teachers being clear about the importance of boundaries between teacher & student) it is the appropriate action to take.
I also understand from the THE FOUR KARMAS by Chogyam Trungpa article states: “three karmic processes of pacifying, enriching, and magnetizing are actually gentle compassion. And there’s a tendency… that one might get fooled,…we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle. This compassion could turn into idiot compassion.” I think that is when we think that Buddhist actions can only be kind, friendly, peaceful instead of engaging with a bold honesty (“No, I don’t like when you do or say that.”).
“Therefore it is important to have the fourth karma, the quality of
destruction, so that compassion doesn’t become idiot compassion, but it evolves…”“Compassion is wishing that beings be free from suffering.” I think true compassion is when our actions or words provide a selfless act of wishing that this other person be free from suffering. Our loving-kindness practice offers this compassion through this wish.
I think that we grow in our awareness of compassion (one of the 4 limitless qualities or 4 Immeasurables which are innate and part of our BuddhaNature.) It is through meditation practice that we can begin to know our mind, become aware in our life experiences what habitual patterns may be interfering with our ability to see clearly and take intelligent actions.
