Sue Perry
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My devotion is to that other, all-encompassing place or presence which I sometimes sense, particularly when I am open to the natural world, love, gratitude, creative flow. What helps to keep me open are various of Buddhism’s lists, particularly the 5 Remembrances and the 4 Reminders; Stephen Mitchell’s translation of Tao Te Ching; reading or listening to my hero, Manchán Magan; bees, birds, the ocean, my children and grandchildren, my cats – all cats – and the little voice that guides my art-making and my good choices. Remembering to pause and attempting to listen are my primary expressions of devotion.
I wound up doing 3 small cleanings, as I would be in the middle of one and realize, Ooops I meant to, forgot to, set a time. Okay, after I finish this one I’ll time another… In this way I reorganized some notes about a novel I am writing, restored some kitchen stuff to rightful spots, and removed some troublemaker weeds.
(Still want to try the timed version of this “assignment”. Someday I’ll remember to time it.)
In addition, I contemplated a potential clean-up that will require tasks and time unknown. Gophers have taken over my yard. They rarely entirely kill a plant but they sure leave them thin and scraggly. Do I plant more of what they like least? Shrug? Resume putting plants in pots? (My arthritic thumbs no longer do all that extra potting and watering – can I afford the extra gardener time?) Right now, the scattered mounds of fresh dirt look awful to me. If I were back in my serious gardening days, I might appreciate the gophers aerating the soil. But I’m not, and so far I don’t.
Each time I contemplate the gophers, I feel a bit more settled in the uncertainty of them, and it is a relief to notice that the mounds of dirt are the part that really bother me, even though seeing the newest mound makes me twitch just as sharply as the first one did.
Dunno whether this is an issue of clean-up or perspective.
ME: Meditation brings so many benefits, I want to increase the amount of time I meditate each day but I can so rarely make it happen, I must be resisting the effort. I don’t want to stay in the shallows, I want to go deeper into the lake.
SHORTY (the part of me that has been resisting): You wouldn’t need longer sessions if you were more disciplined during the sits you’re already doing.
ME: Maybe. I do let myself look around a lot. But I’m wondering if we’re also afraid to go deeper.
SHORTY: What’s to be afraid of? Is that an ego thing?
ME: Remember that time at the 1 week retreat, that scary image we had of being suspended backwards over a void? Could that be the same fear? (Whatever that fear was?)
SHORTY: Okay fear does seem to be involved here. But I’m not tapping any explanations. Any of us who are actually feeling those fears, can you join the conversation?… … [crickets] …
SHORTY: You think I’m hiding my fears, don’t you?
ME (shrugs) I think we’ve gone as far was we’re going to get with this right now.Granddaughter is graduating from elementary school.
She is so nervous about being late.
(The school is far, through L.A. traffic.)
Her parents are heroes:
her complicated hairdo, the toddlers who don’t wanna,
it all gets handled with ease and grace.
We’re out the door with so many minutes to spare!
As we settle into the freeway crush,
her father my son realizes.
He forgot the required tickets.
We have to turn around.
Now we’ll be late. Maybe, unbearably late.
I’m riding shotgun and I’m feeling
just how much he wanted to do this right.
Just how wrong her day has gone.
Yet more hurts I can’t protect them from.
