Writing Prompt #2: The Personal is Not an Obstacle
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What is the thing that I am always trying to change about myself because I think then I’ll be a spiritual adept? What wisdom might this “thing” also contain? Write a dialog between you and it. Imagine that you sit in facing chairs. Really see this version of you, the one you despair of “fixing.” What do they look like? What do they have to say to you? What is
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The thing I’m always judging about myself, wishing could be different, is – perhaps ironically – my judgement of others. There’s often a sense of aggression or mistrust. Sometimes anger. When I sat down with this part of myself, I saw that this is part of myself that wants to protect me, to keep me safe. And it loves me. As I was telling it that sometimes I feel that it overprotects me to the point of keeping me from opportunities to grow, I recognized this impulse in myself as a parent. I understand that desire to protect, I recognize and sometimes am able to soften this tendency with my son – wanting to protect him, keep him safe. I get it. It comes from love. And maybe fear.
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There are many things I feel like I’d like to change about myself. Right now I’d say wanting others to like me…because I’m fun to be with, because I’m smart, because I’m kind and generous. Those are things that I don’t think I am…especially when I’m alone with myself. I’m sitting with self-pity, I’m a victim, that the world hasn’t treated me fairly, that I’ve tried really hard but just haven’t quite got it. I give myself a “C” (on good days a “B-“) in life. You must not feel worthy of love; you’re not good enough. In response: you’re being extremely hard on yourself. Life is full of suffering. This is what it is to be a human. It’s not specific to you. You can use the teachings to feel how these emotions find themselves in your body, send out loving-kindness & gentleness to yourself and to all others who struggle with similar feelings.
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This prompted me to try and have a conversation with self-loathing. It’s so easy to look away or get distracted or accept half-answers. But I stuck with it long enough to get this, which feels like it might be a piece of the puzzle:
the grey spiky monster (kind of an oversized chinchilla/porcupine hybrid) of my self-loathing is there to keep me safe by front-running any perceived threats to my intrinsic value/right to exist. It has been on this beat a long-a** time. According to it, I’ll be safer if I anticipate the worst possible judgments of others, thus allowing me to internalize and then change myself to accommodate them pre-emptively. This monster will not stand down unless it is assured that I will not cede my perception of my intrinsic worth to external parties or circumstances.
For those following along in the book, Susan’s words on page 29 (I think, I have the Kindle edition) really hit home for me: “When the teaching ‘your ego is the problem’ meets the Western psyche’s existing conviction that ‘you are the problem, you have to figure it out alone, good luck,’ we don’t get enlightenment. We get spiritually ill–a toxic cycle of self-improvement and self-hatred dressed up in dharma vocabulary.” Let’s stop doing that, together.
Thanks so much to all for your practice and your heartfelt comments (here and during the live class), and to Susan, Crystal, and OHP for this journey.
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o Me: I’m always struggling with you who overschedules my calendar. You keep me so busy doing things for other people or things I think need to be done now or “urgently”. For these demands become priority such that I have no time for my spiritual practice, for reading materials that inspire me or offer quiet solitude from the world, or other activities that further my personal growth, creativity and/or mindful expansion.
o She: Well, you choose these things. Where are your boundaries? You need to grow them. Can you recognize how powerful you are? Why are you afraid of your power?
o Me. I guess I give my power to these other people and these other things. I guess I’m afraid of what would happen if I owned my power. -
Not Me: Read another book! Someone cited a book? Get that one too! Someone quoted a yogi in Sanskrit with line and verse? why don’t YOU know it?? Why doesn’t anything ever stick in your head? Do you even know what you’re trying to learn? To be?
Me: Stop reading and DO the thing already! Practice is where you learn. The path is different for everyone, and the Ego is making you doubtful. Be persistent, keep showing up. No one is asking me to perfect.
This was extremely hard to share.
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ME: Meditation brings so many benefits, I want to increase the amount of time I meditate each day but I can so rarely make it happen, I must be resisting the effort. I don’t want to stay in the shallows, I want to go deeper into the lake.
SHORTY (the part of me that has been resisting): You wouldn’t need longer sessions if you were more disciplined during the sits you’re already doing.
ME: Maybe. I do let myself look around a lot. But I’m wondering if we’re also afraid to go deeper.
SHORTY: What’s to be afraid of? Is that an ego thing?
ME: Remember that time at the 1 week retreat, that scary image we had of being suspended backwards over a void? Could that be the same fear? (Whatever that fear was?)
SHORTY: Okay fear does seem to be involved here. But I’m not tapping any explanations. Any of us who are actually feeling those fears, can you join the conversation?… … [crickets] …
SHORTY: You think I’m hiding my fears, don’t you?
ME (shrugs) I think we’ve gone as far was we’re going to get with this right now.
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