Betsy Loeb
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Dear Susan,
First I’d like to thank you for your essay. Your writing digs so deep into your own vulnerability that I feel like that is my biggest “take-away”. Your teachings are so meaningful to me because you model a way to match the dharma with the truth of who you are. You’re an inspiration.I’m sure as a parent educator of many years (which was many years ago) I made huge mistakes of using my own experiences as a parent of young children to color my teachings, guidance and listening to other parents. It’s just too long ago to remember!
However, I want to reflect on a time when I was supervisor of a team in a non-profit agency. I had been there for at least 10 years (again it’s been a long time ago) and the agency was going through a big change. This was probably in the late 1990’s or early 2000’s. It used to be that this agency and the expectations of its funders (and I think many non-profits) could offer services to be helpful to the community they served without worry. But, then all that changed. We began to pick up a “business model” of “proving with deliverables” that the funders’ money was being spent wisely with statistical proof vs “stories” of how we were making a difference in people’s lives. (I’m sorry, it’s hard to explain briefly.)
Anyway, my boss thought my team wasn’t meeting the “deliverables” and I needed to be more “tough” on them. So I did. Then later I saw that I was being harsh and hurting people. I felt awful. To try and rectify, I took photos of objects in nature and/or created beautiful images and gave each member of the team this card to reflect who I thought they really were.
So the question of “how to remain with my own experience and also see how it colors my responses to others” wasn’t done well in the above situation. I think my story reflects my confusion of how to balance the pressure that I felt from my boss with how to meet the needs of my team so that we could all have our needs met.It didn’t work well for the team and sometime after I was transferred to a different position!! Though I took the transfer as a failure, I think in the end, it was a good thing. I was able to initiate some creative work that was more supportive to who I was and had beneficial results with those I connected to.
Dear Kate, OMG! I would imagine it would be difficult under normal circumstances to be both the director (as a teen) of a children’s theatre (where I imagine the age differences weren’t huge) and manage to offer the children support and necessary critique to their acting without blowing up the relationship and trust. And, then for you to be able to hold it all together in the midst of such a fiasco is amazing! I think your story would make for a great short story or a play!!
Dear Ginny,
Oh, my! What a difficult situation you were in…to teach about transitions when you yourself were going through one of what I believe is certainly in one of the top most stressful life experiences: a divorce from a 37-year marriage.
You stated: “As I recall, my bringing it up was a natural part of the conversation, and definitely not something I said right at the start of our time together. I didn’t cry or breakdown, and I didn’t dwell on it either, as I did not want the focus to be on me and my situation. I think I said it as a way of being in shared community with others in their own life transitions.”
It seems so appropriate to me what you did and how you did it. I’m not sure why you’ve concluded that it was wrong. The students seemed to have given you positive feed-back. I think because it was linked to life transitions, it was helpful. Had you been teaching a water color painting class, not so much. Please be gentle with yourself.Dear Gwen
I found your statement: “This can lead us to prioritize a sense of calm at all costs, sometimes resulting in emotional suppression or numbing.” helpful in deepening how idiot compassion not only is not helpful to the person who we are giving it to, but can also be a cover for our own emotional wounds. Thank you for linking those two processes.
BetsySo interesting to think of this as parent-child relationships at all ages. Thank you, Jenn, that sounds like stereotypical ways that some girls were raised.
Hello, Anne
Such a lovely description of “True Compassion”…”more considered and well, quieter”.It sounds like you have found ways to soften your childhood habitual patterns that messaged you to take care of “everyone else’s emotional state”. It appears that through your studies and the reflections of your life experiences you have been able to do so. I want to guess that also from teachers and sangha members you have met models for expressing true compassion.
Wishing you continued support on your life’s journey.
Betsy
This is such an intriguing question.
I had a vague idea of what “idiot compassion” might refer to: acting compassionate but doing it out of self-interest. I think that is part of it. However, I did a search and found an article that was very helpful. (https://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/idiot-compassion by Bodhipaksa.
“Idiot compassion is avoiding conflict, letting people walk all over you, not giving people a hard time when actually they need to be given a hard time. It’s “being nice,” or “being good.” This reminds me of how often I’ve heard Susan say in many teachings, “It’s not about being nice.”“It’s not compassion at all. It ends up causing us pain, and it ends up causing others pain.
The more someone self-consciously thinks of themselves as compassionate, the more likely it is that they’re a compassionate idiot.
Idiot compassion lacks both courage and intelligence.”
The above that I took from the article helps me to understand why I think the reference of “idiot compassion” was placed in the section under “Destroying”. I see how sometimes destroying or cutting something can be the compassionate thing to be done. That most often I think of “to destroy” as something negative or “against peace; is warfare”. However, as I contemplate the meaning of “destroy” as the fourth Karma action, I can see that in certain circumstances (such as setting boundaries. Examples might be as meditation teachers being clear about the importance of boundaries between teacher & student) it is the appropriate action to take.
I also understand from the THE FOUR KARMAS by Chogyam Trungpa article states: “three karmic processes of pacifying, enriching, and magnetizing are actually gentle compassion. And there’s a tendency… that one might get fooled,…we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle. This compassion could turn into idiot compassion.” I think that is when we think that Buddhist actions can only be kind, friendly, peaceful instead of engaging with a bold honesty (“No, I don’t like when you do or say that.”).
“Therefore it is important to have the fourth karma, the quality of
destruction, so that compassion doesn’t become idiot compassion, but it evolves…”“Compassion is wishing that beings be free from suffering.” I think true compassion is when our actions or words provide a selfless act of wishing that this other person be free from suffering. Our loving-kindness practice offers this compassion through this wish.
I think that we grow in our awareness of compassion (one of the 4 limitless qualities or 4 Immeasurables which are innate and part of our BuddhaNature.) It is through meditation practice that we can begin to know our mind, become aware in our life experiences what habitual patterns may be interfering with our ability to see clearly and take intelligent actions.
Dear Ginny, So sorry for your loss of your friend. It’s never “easy” or “the right time” to lose someone who has played such a meaningful part in our lives (& for our children). Please be gentle with yourself. And, know that life is so complex, so filled and we can only do so much…only 24 hrs in a day. I’m glad to read that you have such self-awareness to cry, to walk and to be with your grief. Your friend would want that for you.
Dear David, Once again I rejoice in that you are a teacher! What fortunate children. One example is your giving the students time to share and reflect on their life experiences with each other and you. Not only are you learning from them, but they are learning from each other. And, I imagine that there is a deep respect surrounding this time that will support them throughout their lives. Yeah!
Because you’ve been aware of trauma sensitivity for your students, I have no doubt that when the time comes during your teaching meditation to others, that you will handle it with love and care.
Betsy
Dear Kelly, I appreciate your referencing the importance of “medical/medicinal therapeutic support” at times. I have often heard Susan state to different Sangha members with a concern or question that they have that she is not a psychologist/therapist and it is not something that she feels is appropriate to offer a response.
It sounds like you have a lot of experience relating to many different people. And, that through your studies and experiences that you are able to intuitively use the 4 Rs. I think that is both a skill and a sensitivity that you’ve honed that others (including myself) don’t have. Please honor yourself with those gifts!
And, I, too, like the notion of the 4R’s as a “chord”.
Thank you for your reflection.
BetsyThank you, Susan, for offering this video and reflection.
I have a few examples from my experiences that I didn’t realize were related to trauma sensitivity.
My yoga instructor (who I think is THE BEST!) has always handed out index cards with “Yes” or “No” to all students. Yes, I’m good with adjustments with touches; no, I’d prefer not. I never thought further about this. Just thought of it as her extension of being nice and caring.I volunteer weekly for a couple of hours in my grandson’s K-1 classroom. The teacher doesn’t have an assistant this year due to no more funding that was provided by Covid support. She has 26 children which is a lot. Many years ago I was a first grade teacher for a few years. It was The Most Difficult job I’ve ever had!! So I have great empathy for what she must feel. Anyway, this day we took the kids outside for a required school bus safety lesson. When we were going back into the building and I was at the end of the line a little boy was lagging behind. I “gently” touched his shoulder to encourage him to keep up. He “freaked out” and yelled and wiggled further behind. I went to the teacher and told her it was my fault. She came and guided him. I felt terrible, but didn’t realize until now that he must have responded from a trauma sensitive place.
This teaching helps me now to 1) realize how wide-spread this impact can be and to hope that I didn’t cause 4) Re-traumatization for this sweet little boy.
Currently, I don’t think I can 2) Recognize a trauma sensitive person (I need much more guidance on that) nor do I have 3)the tools in my tool box to Respond appropriately.
I feel confident, however, that if given more information and guidance that if having the opportunity to Teach Meditation I will gained those necessary tools.
Thank you for this so important topic.
BetsyDear Kate, I appreciate much of what you stated in your writing. It reflects your deep appreciation for the teachings…instructions of meditation and Pema’s “feel the feelings…”. Your description “…solid turn out to be wobbly Jell-O molds. Take a bite and it turns into sweet life-juice.” is so vivid and beautifully descriptive of impermanence and being with what is. Thank you for sharing it all!
Dear David, Your essay put a smile on my face. I can just imagine your “Jiminy Cricket” supporting your awareness of your emotions and/or actions.
If I recall correctly, I believe that you are a teacher. So it’s not surprising that your “internal witness, …behaves like a teacher”. And, how wonderful that this teacher “… comes out in search of my care and well-being”. I hear Susan’s words in this. The most important thing is to be gentle with oneself. And, you reflect that in your description. Lastly when you “recognize its voice among the hubbub of noise that is going on inside our brains and bodies, specially when facing difficult emotions.” gives such a vivid description of what I, too, feel so often but haven’t put into such words “hubbub of noise”. Love that!
PS In a previous reply to one of my essays I think I gave you the wrong impression that I was currently a teacher. I’m retired from an advocacy organization that supporting early childhood teachers/administrators and home providers. Many, many years ago I taught first grade and preschool for a short while. Today I volunteered in my grandson’s first grade class, and again saw the challenges for teachers (and the little recognition that the broader community gives them). So I want to say to you, those children are fortunate to have you as their teacher!
