on beliefnet today…
August 24, 2007 | 5 CommentsWould love to hear your thoughts on my article, “10 Tips for a Fearless Life.” What would you add as #11? 12??
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Susan — I just finished reading Pema Codron’s “When Things Fall Apart,” and your article, combined with some of her teachings, has helped me to get through what has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I am, however, still finding myself in episodes of complete mania over my fear that this terrible heartache will never end. I am especially curious about how tip #6, “Stop Talking to Yourself” can help me. I find that my imagination is my own worst enemy, and that when fear or sadness appears (or resurges, as it has never truly disappeared), I can’t help but to dwell on the details and mechanisms of my sadness. I do yoga and try to meditate, but am finding that those are the times when I am struggling the most to quiet my mind and just feel. Any thoughts on how to break out of this pattern? Thank you!
Dear Lisa:
Thank you so much for taking the time to write.
FIRST AND FOREMOST: THIS HEARTACHE WILL END. PERIOD. It just will. Even though it doesn’t seem that way.
I totally know what you mean by “my imagination is my own worst enemy.” The most difficult thing about heartbreak is the feeling that your mind is no longer under your jurisdiction. You actually feel like you have lost your mind in the sense that anything—a song, a shirt, a street sign—can take it over and throw you back into pain. Part of what makes this so difficult is that once you feel the pain, a seemingly impenetrable stream of thought is set into motion, thoughts about whose fault it is, what’s wrong with you, what’s wrong with him, how scared you are about the future. When I said “stop talking to yourself,” what I meant was to try to stop doing this. You can feel the pain (it’s real), but you don’t necessarily have to prolong it by embellishing it with these thoughts.
Here are two things that can help you do this.
The first one is based on something called “The Work” by Byron Katie. (Highly recommend her books.) It involves working with painful thoughts one by one and asking yourself 4 questions, ending with what she calls “the turn around.”
I hope this answer isn’t already turning into something way lengthier than you ever imagined. Cause I still have one more suggestion. It’s a Buddhist meditation practice called Tonglen, which means sending and taking in Sanskrit. (Pema may have written about it in “When Things Fall Apart.”) Tonglen uses the medium of the breath to take in pain and send out relief from pain. When you’re feeling the pain of a particular situation (the end of a relationship), you can use that exact situation as your working basis.
It sounds really counterintuitive, but try it and see for yourself. Pema is a master teacher of Tonglen and her instructions are the best. In the meantime, here is a version of the instructions.
Both of these practices do the same thing. They allow. They allow your feelings to be just as they are. In the first practice (The Work), you inquire into their nature and in the second (Tonglen) you discover the only (but incredibly) good news about your situation: you now possess a heart that is wide open and incredibly tender. Tonglen helps you stabilize within that openness and, boom, suddenly you have the most powerful, magnetic, and useful thing in the world: kindness. Toward yourself and others.
See how these things work for you. I’d love to hear about it, if you decide to try. If you don’t get around to it, don’t beat yourself up!! (The only thing worse than not doing things that are good for you is beating yourself up for not doing things that are good for you, no?!)
Please keep me posted—
Susan
P.S. FINALLY: THIS HEARTACHE WILL END. PERIOD. It just will. Even though it doesn’t seem that way.
Hi Susan,
I loved this article – it was great to read and beautiful visually as well!
I heard about your book from Chris Flett (http://www.chrisflett.com) a while ago & have been slowly working my way through it. Your description of fearlessness put into words what I’ve been struggling to articulate for a while now – you explained it so eloquently and every fibre in me said “that’s it!” Thank you for sharing yourself!
I’ve been using a technique recently similar to your “Stop talking to yourself”.
When I feel the fear build (usually a knot in my stomach), I take a deep breath and acknowledge the fear – notice what’s going on, acknowledge what it’s about (ah, I’m feeling like he’s saying I’m not doing enough), remind myself that is just my story, it’s not the truth.
Then I choose to think about my truth instead (see my post at http://www.iwasthinking.ca re: we are what we repeatedly think).
The other thing I’ve been thinking lately is that I can be thankful to my fear. It points out areas that need further thought or work (sometimes, it’s a 10 ft high neon sign!). When I have an unexpected strong reaction, I choose to see that as a gift that will help me find the next step on my path to peace and joy.
Thanks for the opportunity to share!
Heidi
hi heidi. great to hear from you! (isn’t chris’s book wonderful?)
love your reflections on the proper way to value thoughts–as clouds in the sky, just passing through. it’s amazing how much this helps quell difficult emotions, no?
and i agree that it’s lovely to look at fear as a spotlight of sorts, something pointing you at something you need to learn. it’s hard, though!
hope you’ll stay in touch.