Where am I?

July 15, 2008   |   5 Comments

Somehow I’ve ended up house sitting in Shangri-la, up in the clouds, surrounded by quiet. This house is a gift, a blessing, a treasure. It is absolutely beautiful on the inside, but the killer beauty is just outside. The house is situated all alone looking directly out onto the front range of the Rockies which appear soft and distant and cool. The house is owned by dharma practitioners and they have an amazing library. Certainly every dharma book I’ve ever read is here, plus hundreds I wish I’d read. I’ve been writing, practicing meditation, reading, cooking, and sleeping.

So it’s heaven, yes? Yes. And also not. While it’s mostly a paradise of solitude, I do have one constant companion who is bugging the crap out of me. I simply cannot escape my own company. Without husband, friends, traffic, and Project Runway reruns to cushion the blow of my own personal neurosis, I have to take the brunt of it. I have so much self-doubt. I am afraid of the dark. I hesitate to give my all to anything: to my writing, my practice, my trust in myself. I see how I’m always holding back, which is easy to do now that I’m in a place where there is absolutely no reason to hold back–no others to attend to, no interruptions, nothing dictating my time, no reason not to pour myself body and soul into what I love most: study, practice, contemplating, and then attempting to be creative with these three things by writing. It makes me very sad that I don’t love myself more than this, but apparently I do not. Why? I don’t know.

I’ve been here 5 days. I wonder what it will feel like on day 10 or 19 or, at the end, on day 30.

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5 Comments

  • Posted by:  bob

    We are brilliant and aspire to have no idea. We remind one another to lean in, unconditionally open – recalling that gentleness, humility, and innocence open the way.

  • Posted by:  Robin

    Hi Susan,

    I just read your blog and I thought I would say “Hi” ! What a great experience this must be, spending time in such a beautiful & remote place

    I use your site to mediate almost everyday!
    I enjoy reading your blogs and other information you provide on your site!
    Thanks 🙂
    Robin

  • Posted by:  susan

    Robin, thanks so much for letting me know! It means a lot. I’m so happy you’re discovering the practice of meditation.

    All best to you! Susan

  • Posted by:  susan

    Bob, you are a man after my own heart. I so appreciate the reminders…

  • Posted by:  Heidi

    Hi Susan,
    I know what you mean about not being able to escape your own company! I’ve been feeling that lately too – that I’d rather be doing something (anything) than to sit quietly with myself…

    One thing I’ve been practicing is self acceptance and forgiveness. Just as I’ve worked to love those around me unconditionally – I’ve been working on that for myself too.

    So when those thoughts and self-doubts come up, I ask myself what I would say if my daughter said those things – or my best friend? I would, of course, tell them that they are wonderful and point out their many strengths – and try to help them forgive themselves for their human failings.

    That’s the same kind of stuff that I tell myself – in those moments that I’m afraid and I doubt my abilities or worry that I’m not good enough…

    And I even practice being patient with myself when I struggle to be alone – accepting instead that this is what it is, with no judgement. It’s a restlessness that will transform into some new learning, or will lead me to a new experience – I just need to be patient!

    So I wish you trust in yourself – and peace in your mountain hideaway!

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