UK glamour mag calledJune 6, 2007 | 1 Comment
what questions can you ask yourself to see if you’re ready for marriage? could i devise a short quiz for readers to test their readiness? i love things like this. a chance to try to say something i believe to be helpful, in women’s magazine-speak. without being a liar or a fool. challenge to self: try to point out the difference between self-absorption, a relationship, and the broken heart that comes from really loving. without saying any of those things. out in august. allegedly. you never know.
when you think of getting married, which image comes to mind?
a. i’m wearing my dream wedding dress and he’s just slipped the
perfect diamond ring on my finger
b. the wedding is over and we’re walking through the door of our home
post-honeymoon, exhausted and happy
c. we’re standing on the porch, arms around each other, waving as our
first child goes off to university
my dream husband
a. is handsome, fun, and romantic–i’m the envy of all my girlfriends
b. is my very best friend–and a sexy one, at that
c. has shown me again and again that he has integrity, emotional
depth, and the willingness to try to love me even when he has no idea
the very best thing about being married is
a. no more worry about dating!
b. creating a secure home life and starting a family
c. him, him, him–he’s the one i want to share life with and give my love to as best i can
i’ll know he really loves me when
a. i don’t have to remind him of my birthday–he shows up with flowers and a dinner reservation on his own
b. i call to cancel a date because i’m not well (physically or emotionally) and he wants to come over anyway
c. we have opposing views on something critical–like children or religion–and instead of becoming angry or remote, he’s genuinely curious about why i think the way i do
i’ll know he’s the one when
a. he says he’ll call me on saturday and i completely trust that he will
b. we discuss christmas plans and he suggests we go together to both our family’s celebrations
c. we have a huge, earth-shattering argument and the next day all i can think about is how all this is hurting him too
mostly “a” answers: how wonderful to be involved in a real romance! enjoy this stage for all it’s worth, but recognize that just because you love each other doesn’t mean you can create a life together that you both love. if you haven’t yet shared views of life (home, money, religion, and so on) it’s premature to think about marriage. if you find that you are thinking about it, you’re probably in a relationship with a fantasy more than a real live man. have a great time, but don’t make any commitments just yet…
mostly “b” answers: the romance has expanded to include friendship. you not only love each other, you like each other. this is a big deal, really what we all long for. but a powerful personal connection still doesn’t mean that this relationship is guaranteed to work. the key question here is can this relationship expand to include everything else that’s important to you both, such as family, friends, professional dreams, and spiritual beliefs. when a relationship is this good, it’s so tempting to think “well we love each other, so i’m sure it will work out somehow,” the famous last words of many divorced couples. when feelings are this strong, it takes maturity and commitment to maintain the distance needed to make a skillful long-term decision. if you can both do so without freaking each other out, well now we’re talking about something REAL.
mostly “c” answers: you’re already married, whether or not the commitment has been made formally. a wedding is more like an acknowledgment of what has already transpired, not the hope of creating something down the line. you’re lovers and friends, and have developed faith and respect in each other’s character. you know he’s an amazing person separate from what kind of boyfriend he makes. when you can hold love, passion, trust, disagreement and confusion together with equal focus on what is best for each of you, it’s time to nail this thing down.
categorized in: relationships