Suzanne Lee
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I have been a lifelong caretaker, personally and professionally. I have had a hard time being mindful and flexible about boundaries. There were many, many times where things got too tight or too loose, and I boomeranged between the two. When my 3 kids left home, I couldn’t say no to people who needed a place to stay (feeling guilty about living in a house with 3 empty bedrooms), only to feel resentful of them, mad at myself. I solved it by impulsively selling the family home, kicking everyone out and moving into a condo. Kind of extreme, but it was easier than saying no to someone in need.
Things got really out of hand with boundaries in the 9 year period between when my dad and my mom died. It was a long process of learning that there wasn’t a right or wrong response to the many requests/expectations/demands from my mom. It was, I learned, as Susan described today, a daily inquiry, based on the many changing causes and conditions, internal and external. I wanted to relieve my mom’s suffering and loneliness, which to some extent, I could, but only at the expense of feeling like I was losing my own life. When it became clear what to do, I laid down some very specific ground rules. At the end of my mom’s life, our relationship was mended beyond any imagined expectations, and I was lucky to be with her as she took a final peaceful breath.
One last thing (about screens and pets, in response to Diane’s sharing today). On Monday I went to the 9am OHP meditation and then right into the 10am class session. Usually my (indoor) cat sits on my lap during meditation, but he wasn’t there. Turns out he had busted thru a screen window! He had never done that before, in fact, he’s never been outside. Which is why we were shocked to find him meowing at the front door soon after 11. I was so relieved! Before we figured out what happened, my husband I had hurled a number of accusations back and forth about who had let him dash out an open door. Luckily, it ended well. We live on a busy street. It could’ve been otherwise.
