Ana Maria Jomolca
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For years, addiction has ruled my family. When I left my hometown 32 years ago, I’d set a boundary, albeit unbeknownst to myself at the time. I was battling my own addictions, and in hindsight, I acknowledge, and thank the many spirits and forces beyond my awareness that plucked me from the likelihood of being swallowed into the vortex of that fate.
Years later, a loved one spiraled into drugs and alcohol and so my sister and I flew down and attempted an intervention. It was a disaster. He confronted us, rather than us confronting him. His message: I love you for doing this, but this is my spiral, my downfall. Tend to your own. Mirror.My last conversation with him before heading back to New York was easily one of the most difficult things I have ever trembled through. I told him I loved him but, and I could not be in contact while he was slowly killing himself. Felt less a boundary, and more a brick wall. Still, he stood there, nearly emaciated, black gunk under his fingernails and toes, life sucked out of his body, he’d aged 20 years in two months. He accepted my terms, repeated that he loved me, and closed the door. Perhaps setting his own boundary.
I suppose I succeeded in setting a boundary that day. What I failed marvelously at was setting a boundary on obsessively thinking about him, replaying the scene of that one call from my parents, or sister, or friend confirming the worst of my fears. Internal boundaries seem impossible, almost laughable in the face of powerlessness. I saw how I was turning boundaries against myself, using them as a litmus for proving how strong or weak I am, how much I love or fail to love someone. Or myself.
Epilogue sans resolution: Today I have a close, intimate, confiding relationship with this loved one. I suspect he still drinks here and there, but the windows of lucidity and deep exchange outweigh the former. And he regained 15 of the 20 years he lost on the frontline. There are far worse casualties than 5 years of one’s life.
56 Club
I let the phone ring and ring and ring, then lose my resolve, pick up,
“I love you help me never mind just enough to get through the week how’s Claudio I love you..”He wants to be someone who matters
To someone who matters.I love you never mind I love you
It is always the last time.
What does one pack when they are going away forever?
