The Doubt Demon

Two days ago, out of the blue, someone who I really respect (but had never met) called to say he thought my work was awesome, that I was a “rock star,” and basically he just really appreciated my work.

Amazing. Ridiculously cool. So affirming.

My response?

He must be psycho. That didn’t just happen.

Then I burst into tears and took a nap.

Self-doubt is vicious. It amplifies when I get closer to what I long for—in this case, simply to be seen, and not just for anything, but for that which I hold most dear: my creative work. Why?!

Well, I have no idea. But when I slowed down (more easily accomplished after crying and napping), I saw that rather than being in the realm of the impossible, my self-doubt was actually a sign that I had entered the realm of the possible. In this moment, things are unfolding. No more thought. Time to just swim. Although it’s scary in one sense, in another, it is actually something cool.

So from now on, as my self-doubt ramps up, I’m going to reclassify it from “perhaps I suck” to “perhaps I’m experiencing a moment of fruition.” You try it, too. Please report back and know that I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that you can meet your longing head-on, hold your self-doubt as a sign of self-cherishing, and, most especially, when you see others in the grip of that particular fear, that your heart will open without any thought at all.

Looked at this way, you could actually enter into your own longing and find it to be a place of joy rather than one of grasping, a source of vitality rather than, well, a reason to nap.

categorized in: dharma