Self hate or self love?
January 17, 2008 | 3 CommentsI am one of the luckiest people alive because I have some amazing friendships. Like the guy mentioned above who e-mailed me those comments about Dylan. I mean how awesome is that.
This morning was talking to another friend who said, when I was telling him about trying to become a better, more disciplined writer, “Sometimes the energy of self-hate disguises itself as helpfulness.” That stopped my mind. Then he said “Self-hate can masquerade as tough love.” Stop again. I told him that there’s some part of me holding a gun to the head of the part of me who writes. He said, “If someone was trying to tell me something, no matter how helpful or beautiful, if I saw they had a gun to their head, I wouldn’t want to listen to them.” Yikes. I don’t know if this makes sense to anybody else or just to me because it’s such an apt description of my insides.
Everyday I struggle with discipline. To get done all that I want on any given day (write, meditate, exercise, cultivate opportunities, blah blah) a schedule seems paramount. All the books say so. I even say so! But I can’t do it. The only time I can (and it’s heavenly, HEAVENLY) is when I’m on a meditation retreat. I feel so grateful to the schedule for providing such perfect containment for my energy, for everyone’s. Yet I can’t do it at home. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m giving up. Uncle.
My “process” (sounds so pretentious) seems to be absolutely non-linear. As an experiment, I’m going to go with it. This looks like working on something for 20 minutes and then working on something else for 2 hours and then going back to the first thing and then making 5 phone calls and then starting something brand new and then taking a nap and etc, etc.
Thank you to my friend who pointed out that some writers sit down at 9A sharp and work until noon come hell or high water and some go out and get drunk and just before passing out, work on their book. I’m really going to aim for the middle road here.
Wish me luck.
categorized in: creativity
3 Comments
It must be a challenge to have such insightful friends, but you are lucky to have the chance to grow through all the thought-provoking discussions.
The image of the author with the gun to her head… it’s true that might not inspire confidence among readers, but it certainly will get their attention and generate empathy.
Balancing all the competing priorities is nearly impossible today, but must be even harder for a writer who manages her own creative and productive schedule. When I worked on my PhD dissertation, I rented a separate apartment (or went to cafe or quiet place) and pretended that I was going to a regular job. Even if I could do that for a few hours per day, I found that eventually I got it done. The trick is to put on the manager’s hat and break large jobs down into smaller tasks, and then to put on the writer’s hat and just get down to writing each section. At least it worked for me. Of course, I owe it all to coffee, nicotine (I’ve quit since), good music, and people who tolerated me loafing about and writing for a few years.
Susan, can’t you create a wiki, and let all your insightful friends write the book with you? They’d get it done in a few weeks, and all you’d have to do is thank them in the acknowledgements page. 😉
“Susan, can’t you create a wiki, and let all your insightful friends write the book with you? They’d get it done in a few weeks, and all you’d have to do is thank them in the acknowledgements page”
Wow, this is a great idea…
Hi Susan,
I can completely relate to your “non-linear” process! I’m the same way!
What I’ve been doing lately is paying attention to what works – what are the times that I can sit down and just write? For me, it’s often later in the evening and sitting in my favorite Greek restaurant or coffee shop works wonders – I suddenly become prolific!
Try as I might, I just can’t seem to replicate that creative energy in my office or at home – too many other things pulling at my attention, I guess.
So why fight it??!
Like you, I’m just going with it.
Let me know how it turns out for you!