Grief, loss, and cats
August 5, 2024 | 74 CommentsAudio only version is here
Meditation begins at 21:17
Hello,
First off, I want to say that if you are struggling with grief or depression, you may not want to listen to this because I cry and talk about my own sorrows.
In this video, I share about my loss of a beloved household member, our cat, Sly. I didn’t know if I could talk about it because I am just so sad. I feel like someone tied a 5-pound weight around my heart. When I look at this video myself, I see how heavy my energy is.
This is sorrow. Within it, there is something awake and intelligent. This does not make it any easier, but perhaps there is something important being communicated about love and sadness and their relationship.
If you are grieving, I hope you will find something useful here. If you’re not grieving, I hope you will find something useful as well.
Love,
Susan
categorized in: dharma, open heart project
74 Comments
Dear grieving Susan,
I’m so sad for you. This fresh grief doesn’t give us any break (especially in the beginning), in my experience with a not so furry person (my father). Just after someone we love and relate to in such an intimate way dies, grief accompanies us everywhere and anywhere, we cannot put it down on the table, like a cup. When it’s in every organ and breathe, how do we live with it (instead of getting consumed by it)? I had a thought just after reading what I typed, that might be comforting in a way. The person or cat who dies was and so, will be in every breathe and organ. It is love we feel, but it’s unbearable because the object of our love is not at the receiving, living end of it anymore.
I just felt the need to comment to say ‘I understand you’ and you are not alone’.
Warmly, (is this a word in English?)
Jitske
Jitske, many thanks for the kind and understanding (and helpful) words. I grieve for your loss, as well. Grief is such a strange bridge to…I have no idea what. But it feels so impossibly big.
When my father died, a friend said, “after someone you love dies, they’re everywhere.” Just as you suggest. Everywhere. Warmly (most definitely a word!), S
Susan, thank you for sharing your feelings of loss with us. I am sorry that you lost your beloved kitty. I can empathize with you because I too have lost dear kitties. I think that your expression of grief shows respect for animals and that is an important way for us to be interconnected with all life. You brought empathy into life‘s experiences through true feelings You opened your heart and I wish you the best, in light, Patty
I so love and feel what you have spoken here. It is almost as if those we loved and lost become even more a part of us… and yes – it can seem unbearable, the missing of them, and yet we do bear it, and go on to love – perhaps even more.
Thank you for sharing this at such a difficult time.
My cat was also seventeen when he died and as they get older we become closer and closer to them, and they become more and more precious.
Sending love and prayers to you at this time.
Much love
Jane 🙏
Thank you, Jane. Yes, closer and more precious… With love, S
Thank you, Susan, for sharing your grief over the loss of Sly. My heart goes out to you. As someone who has a long habit of quelching feelings I am uncomfortable with, it is so helpful to hear courageous acknowledgement of feelings of loss and grief in vulnerable, raw times. The poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trimmer has also had a huge impact on me the past couple of years as she shares her poems of unbearable loss and deep love. You both give me courage to be more open to vulnerability. I hold you in my thoughts.
Thank you, thank you, Cathy. And your courage gives others courage. xo S
One day, about 30 years ago, out of nowhere I had a dream where I saw myself playing with a dog. Two days later, my boy Jack, a stray Shepherd mix, followed me home from school (college) over a mile. I called him “Buddha in a Fur Suit” – he just had that rare, ineffable stillness within and around him. I was a first-time pet parent, and I’m sure I made many mistakes – but ours was a love story for the ages. When he died, grief completely swallowed me.
.
Grief is such a strange thing. Who and what you have lost is not there, and yet everywhere. Grief is timeless, even as its sharpness dulls over time (yet still comes in waves, at unexpected times). And that intimacy of a life that is shared with a pet – there’s truly nothing like it. I understand.
.
Thank you for sharing so openly here. We need to normalize talking about grief.
Sending so much love,
-Gail
“Who and what you have lost is not there, and yet everywhere.” This is exactly how it feels, Gail. I so appreciate you understanding–and have so much sympathy for your own loss. When our sweet friends come to us in dreams and otherwise, it is so special and fortunate. And unbearable when they’re gone. May the dreamworld somehow reunite us. Much love to you, S
This was an extraordinary experience for me this morning as you spoke your grief. While it was so entirely particular to you experience it went deep within me with amazing experiences while meditating. I do believe your beloved pet will always be with you. Love never dies.
I’m so glad to read this, Sarah. Many thanks for taking the time to share it. With love, S
Oh dear, tenderhearted Susan –
you share your tender heart with us so generously. A thousand bows and heartfelt tear stained smiles to you. “Grief and love do not enter the door without linking arms” – truer words were never spoken (darn it all) and yet, it seems that this is exactly what the heart needs in order to be soft and open and kind and generous.
Your story of the dream-like experience after your accident absolutely riveted me. As a deep dreamer myself, I have always known that there is often wisdom beyond our waking mind’s ability that can come in those in-between states of consciousness. I felt and saw your experience as though I were there with you. Thank you so much for telling it. This world is greatly enhanced and glad for your presence in it, as am I.
May I ask what your kitty’s name was/is?
with all my heart, Karen
Karen, I feel like I say this all the time but I have to say it again–I am so very happy we can practice all this together. It changes everything and I’m so grateful. With love, Susan
PS Our cat was called Sly. His brother is Robbie. <3
Thank you for sharing your grief. I know how much your cats have meant to you. I am sitting with your honesty and vulnerability and learning from it. You and your dear friend are in my thoughts and prayers. Much love!
So grateful for this, Jen. Much love to you. S
Thank you for this genuine and heartfelt expression of your grief after your cat died. My cat died in my arms last November and it was heart wrenching and do very unique in nature. Thank you for affirming the unusual nature of grieving for your cat. It resonated with me.
Jean, I’m so sorry for your loss and I truly understand what you mean by “heart wrenching.” It is a very particular–and very real–grief. Sending love.
I am so sorry for your loss of your close cat companion, Susan. Sending you my energy to help you heal from this loss. Thank you for this touching, raw, and completely open video. I feel your loss. I too had a grey cat that was 18 years old when she died in my arms, it is a very difficult thing to deal with. Our pet friends are such a part of our everyday lives that they become part of us and our hearts. I understand and appreciate what you are feeling at this moment. I still think of my cat, named Cleo, to this day even though she died more than a decade ago. She is part of my life even though she is not physically here, as is your furry friend still with you in your heart. You are strong to be so present with your grief.
Sending love,
Dominic
Dominic, every word of this message touched my heart in a very healing and deep way. I’m so grateful for your understanding and have unending sympathy for the loss of Cleo. We are so lucky to have such precious ones to love, even when they are gone. Much love to you, Susan
Susan, I have nothing to offer, except that this pain was the worst, most fathomless, bottomless pit of awfulness I have ever experienced. I had Henry and Lucy, brother and sister, until they died at ages 17 and 19. Henry died first, and it crushed me, but Lucy, well, she was my soul kitty. I felt a bond with her that I’m not sure can be expressed with words. She had CKD and I devoted my life to caring for her the last few years. She fought the euthanasia with a vengeance, which cut right through my heart. I cry with you today, three years after my loss. That’s all I’ve got, but maybe, knowing that someone understands the depths of your pain, well… maybe that’s something. I hope so.
Karen, your kind understanding really, truly does help. I’m so sorry for your loss(es). I agree–it is a bottomless pit of awfulness, seems impossible to metabolize. I cry with you too, and am also grateful to know how big your heart is that you can love this much. <3 S
Thank you Susan. Your broken heart is raw and there for all. The death of pets is indeed peculiar: here are beings who depend entirely on us, and work into the “fabric of our lives” long before they get sick. I walked my dog in the park every day for 13 years. And then he was gone. We don’t even know how or in what way they feel about us. But the pain of loss is st makes impermanence real. But that of course means that it IS real! Accept my love and well-wishes as well as condolences. Thank you for comments that grieving and crying are not incompatible with meditating.
Glenn, I truly appreciate your empathetic and kind words. I am so sorry for your loss, too. May we grieve and cry and make such deep loving connections for our own and others’ benefit. Sending love. S
I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved kitty. I understand all to well the grief that you speak of. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings and thanks for sharing your tears. ❤️
Thank you, Peggy. I appreciate the love and understanding. <3 S
Namaste and many thanks for your gratefully received meditation today. Trance, a creamsicle tabby, left his form exactly four months ago today and his presence is a huge loss still after 18 years of companionship for my partner and I. He still visits in dreams and shadows at times, especially in the routines of rest throughout the night. His brother only lived to be 12 and I’m to hear others having the fortune of long living cats as well. The senior years or times of illness are not easy but I believe they know when we are trying to help heal and nurture them which you did so well! It is certainly a special blessing to experience life alongside loving souls in the feline & canine forms. The visualization of them holding us is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your feelings and process.
Lanie, thank you for this kind message and heartfelt understanding. Both mean the world to me. With love, Susan
Thank you for sharing this meditation despite what happened with your cat today, Susan. The loss of a pet is always challenging, so I don’t know what will happen when I lose the next one. (I currently have two cats left. Everything else hasn’t made it, even if I read that some species of animal have long life spans.)
It sounds to me like your bond with your cat was similar to mine with my bird which I had lost long ago when I wasn’t even thirteen and didn’t understand why he wasn’t moving anymore.
Therefore I found the book you wrote about loss at the library and put it on hold.
Thank you for putting out some wisdom into the world.
These bonds are so precious and so full. Sending love. Susan
Dear Susan, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious cat. I we have lost two cats and the last few years and I still think about them often. Currently, we are living with two 17-year-old cats and I am dreading the day we lose them. I still think about all the cats I’ve lost many years ago. A number of the things you said really struck home for me, and were helpful. I especially found it helpful when you talk about why it’s so different than losing a parent. Sincerely, Anthony.
Many thanks, Anthony. And so glad you found this helpful. It helps me to know that! With love, S
Dear Susan,
Thank you for this very heart-touching and meaningful video.
When we euthanized our 13-year-old cocker spaniel, my daughter cried out, “We love you, Sandy!” That moment felt “so alive and so devastating,” as you said.
My heart goes out to you and thank you for the tears shed.
Caron
Oh! I can feel the exact moment you are talking about. Sending love to you, your daughter, and Sandy, of course. Xo S
Who but you would show the love and courage to make a video like this at a time like this; to remain authentic and sharing with service to others. I remember the loss of my own animals and share your grief, and I am encouraged and inspired by you.
Thank you so much,
Love.
So many thanks for this generous and kind message, Phillip. ❤️ Susan
Susan, I am so very sorry about the loss of your cat. I lost my amazing dog 7 years ago, and I still miss him everyday and sometimes I still cry, (especially when I take a walk on the paths we walked together.) There is nothing that can compare to the unconditional love and forgiveness of a pet, and my sweet dog gave me this love every single day. Three weeks ago, I went to my daughter’s home to feed her cats while she was away, and I found that one of her cats had died; she was asleep on my daughter’s chair. I’ve lost pets, but I was always holding them when they left, so this was a new experience for me. I often took care of the cats when the family was gone, and I love all of them. It’s difficult for me to go to the house; I still ‘see’ the cat and I miss her. My heart and thoughts are with you.
Margit, my heart goes out to you, as yours does to me. Sending so much love.
I am so sorry for your loss, Susan. I had a beloved pet die in my arms as well a couple of years ago. That pain and grief is unbearable. I am also going through a different grief more recently and I can relate in that way as well. The emotions can be so overwhelming when we love that hard. The love we had for that being has nowhere to go anymore, so it comes out as grief and sadness.
“Grief and love do not enter the door without linking arms. You can’t have one without the other.”
I feel like everything seems to be a lesson of impermanence. At least for me.
I am sending you compassion and love.
Allison, you understand what I am feeling, and I really appreciate that. Sending love and much sympathy for your losses. Xo S
Hi dearest Susan, you are not alone. I listened to everything you said with a curious detachment as I petted my cat and thought about how much I am protecting myself from the loss of my father, who died at the end of June. Like your beautiful Sly (I always remembered your cats were Sly and Robbie) we nursed him at home until his body stopped breathing with my hand in his heart. My life carries on like you said, on a day to day level it’s not much different until I realise I want to call him, as I did every day over the last 18months, and that I won’t hear his voice in my ears again, and he won’t be there to greet me when I arrive or to hug me goodbye when I leave.
As you and so many others have said so beautifully in these comments, I do sense him everywhere and I hear his voice in my heart, and although I don’t know what this means it’s a comfort.
I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this deep pain and I’m grateful to you as always, for the wisdom you share with us all. I don’t remember what it was that you said now, but the morning my Dad was to die I sat with your daily recording before I went downstairs and of course you said something I needed to hear that day and i felt so grateful for your presence in my life.
I also wanted to let you know that in those last two weeks of my Dad’s life which I spent taking care of him, I received support from our Sangha in the daily sits and on the WhatsApp group that was so meaningful and supportive to me. So as always Susan, I want to thank you and thank you and thank you.
Sending love and hugs to you and everyone in our Sangha as we navigate bearing these losses whilst at the same time looking for joy!
Alison
Alison, I read every word of this with tears—and appreciation for your honesty and courage and humanity. This part of love is so, so hard.
Your dad was so lucky to have you. Very wonderful to know sangha was there when you needed it. And I’m beyond grateful that i can practice all this with you. Sending so much love. s
Dearest Susan, Thank you for your beautiful teaching…your authenticity, your putting your heart out for all of us to see. This video was bold, beautiful and filled with the deepest type of teachings that I think there can be…REAL.
May you find comfort in knowing that the love you gave Sly will continue on…that part I believe is permanent…ever changing as it might be.
Betsy, I am so grateful for this kind message and encouragement to recognize that the love continues. It does… With love, S
Thank you, dear Susan!
My beloved dog Pepino died one month ago, and I am feeling all that you describe, the pain is unbearable, almost panic…
Beautiful practice, beautiful final poem, we are in this together, I vow to you too.
Sending so much love to you and Pepino. Neither of you is alone. With much love, S
I’m so sorry to hear this Susan. I know how this must hurt.
My Schauzer, 16yrs plus, went into a state where I was sure she was going to pass. She had been really getting to be a pain in her advanced years and it seemed all my interactions with here were negative.
Then my wife and granddaughter are rushing her to the vet and realizing the last time she saw me I was yelling at her (she was bad in my defense) and the grief and regret hit me like a train. It hit me so hard I was terrified, it was completely unexpected. She recovered somewhat, but I know our time together will be short.
It really helps me to know I am not the only one that has felt like that, I mean, I “know” people do, but your sharing this makes it real. This has made knowing that grief will return a lot less scary.
Thank you for that,
John
Hi John. I’m glad to know your dog is okay. And loved.
Dear Susan,
Thank you for making this video even though it was a hard one. As always your true authenticity and ability to put into words how so many of us feel is beyond helpful. The unconditional love of our pets is a love that is one of the purest and to experience this is to know that their passing is just another aspect to this pure love …that is part of the intelligence of grief as you put it. Through loss and grief we also soften don’t we… in my own experiences It’s also in these painful broken hearted times that we feel and learn the most about being human. May you feel the love that surrounds and supports you. For it is shining back on you ten fold for all the love you give. I think Sly will be close by for quite some time. Sending you big massive hugs. Michelle Q❤️
I so appreciate this, Michelle. Many, many thanks for this loving message. xo S
I’m so very sorry Susan to hear about the loss of your beloved Sly and thank you for sharing in this way, with us. I love the way you describe the difference in grief between losing a beloved someone and a beloved pet.
My darling dog is 9 years old and still living his best doggy life and I know what you mean when you say you vowed to be with them until the end – I feel the same, and vow the same. It’s as if since he was a pup I am trying to prepare myself for when we part, but deep down I know I can’t. I have loved seeing the love and connection you have with your cats when they join the videos and how you stroke and talk to them (and when you stroke them right to the very tip of the tail!) you can see the genuine deep love and connection. Sending hugs and love and thank you again for sharing with us Susan ♥️🙏
Sonia, I’m so glad you and your pup have each other. It means so much to have such a companion and to experience the love between you. Though it seems impossible to prepare, knowing that you are not and will not be alone has been helpful to me. Sending love! To the tip of the tail! <3 Susan
My heart goes out to you Susan. Thank you for bravely sharing your grief. Anybody who comes from “it’s just a cat” has never been blessed with the sheer love and joy your pets bring us. Sun and rain – together they bring rainbows. Don’t love the pain but would not want to miss the joy.
Vikki, I so appreciate this kind and understanding message–and I totally agree with you that the joy is worth everything. Thank you. With love, S
Dear Susan,
I am deeply grateful for your video about the death of your beloved cat. Your wisdom shines through your broken heart and as my heart breaks too, I hope you know that I deeply share your sorrow. I have endured losing my darling cats and the grief of which you speak has overtaken me as well. I think part of the difference you described in saying goodbye to your cat versus losing even people in your life is that our cats willingly give us UNCONDITIONAL love…true love and the pain we experience when that relationship moves from one of presence to one of memory is a loss like no other. Thank you for your courage, your wisdom, and for sharing your love. Do you know that when you said the word “love” in the video, your eyes and your heart smiled?
Mine did as well….
Big love to you,
Cindi Harrison
Cindi, I thank you for this generous, loving message. Many thanks. And I agree–this is a kind of true love that is very hard to lose. I appreciate your understanding. Sending smiling love to you, S
I cannot add to what others have expressed so beautifully about the loss of your beloved kitty and your courage in sharing your raw heartbreak with the Sangha. Some days I feel that death is always right around the next tree – which it is, really – and some days it feels abstract. The hardest part is really the daily life impact. When our little tuxedo guy Bill died, coming home to a house without a living being in it was like hitting a brick wall. Yet here we are, figuring out the new normal, wincing when our scars are touched, but finding connection with the rest of us walking each other home. Sending love.
Shiwa Chotso, yours are always the reflections of an authentic practitioner. Sending love to you. Glad you and Bill had each other. xo S
Thank you for your incredibly open heart and sharing your grief for the loss of your precious Sly. My overwhelming grief is what led me to you, Susan and the OHP and this path towards sanity and the wisdom of brokenheartedness. Sending so much love to you.
Thank you, thank you Catherine. It’s true that heartbreak and loss light the spiritual path in a very particular way. Not sure why it’s designed this way, but glad we practice this open-heartedness together. With love, Susan
I feel your sadness, Susan. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. About a year and half ago I broke down and sobbed in the 9:00 meditation with Marisa. My beloved cat, Zorro, was being put to sleep that afternoon and I was heartbroken. I still miss him. You are not alone in your pain and you are so brave to share this with us.
Oh, Zermeena. I share your grief so strongly. The days/hours before that vet appointment are lacerating and also full of a love so, so deep. Glad you and Zorro had each other and, in some way, I believe, still do. Much love to you, S
Dear Susan,
today I finally had the courage to watch this video. As I wrote in my earlier email to you, I‘m in deep grief about my beloved cat Theo who died 18 months ago in a car accident. He was only 4 years old. My grief is still so deep and some days it feels as raw as in the early days. I still have so much guilt because I couldn’t be with him in the end. He died at the vet‘s while I was away for work. My husband brought him there. It first seemed that he could be saved but then he died. The thought that I couldn’t be with him, hold him and maybe console him a tiny little bit on his way to another realm breaks my heart over and over again. And then there is this immense void because he is no longer here. As you said – they‘re such an essential part of our lives. And for me it‘s also about unconditional love that I experienced with him. That he trusted me and loved me with all his soul was such an honour. I think this grief will always be with me. My heart goes out to you, to Sly, and to his brother who must grieve him too.
I send you love and light,
Karin
Oh, Karin. This is a devastating kind of pain and I have so much empathy and sorrow for and with you. I understand the guilt, but please try not to linger there too long. You had no way of knowing what was to happen. (I know you know this.) And, who knows? Maybe it was best for sweet Theo to spare you in this way. One never knows. That said, I’m know I would feel exactly as you do. I wish I could hold even the tiniest bit of your loss for you. Sending all my love, S
💌
Susan, sending you much love. We lost our kitty Frank 2 years ago and it was an unbearable pain. Pain I came to realize was proportional to the love we shared with Frank. Sly, may his name be blessed.
Kelly, thank you, thank you for your kind and understanding message. I agree–the love and the pain indeed feel proportional. If I had it to do all over again, I surely would.. They bring so much joy. Sending love to you and Frank–S
Dear susan, I´ve just seen your video and I wanted you to know that I see you and feel you. I also had the chance to hold my 19 old year cat Luna in my arms when she passed away and though it felt right, it didnt make the pain smaller. That was 3 years ago now and I still every now and then have the feeling that she is with me in the house somehow.
Every time I think of her I wish her to be happy and safe and I tell her that she was able to give and receive love, and I think that in the end its all that matters. She has a very special place in my heart and will always be there because she was and still is a part of me.
I wish you a grieving time where you can hold you with kindness and self-compassion until the pain and the sadness begin to fade and you can remember Sly with more smiles than tears.
love
Chris
Thank you for this beautiful and helpful message, Chris. I do feel Sly around me all the time. It is so painful but also so filled with love. <3 S
Thank you so much for this video, Susan. After several losses in the last few years, including the deaths of my kitties Maya (in 2023) and Mosi (this June), I understand that just giving it time isn’t enough. Grief needs to be actively processed. I could relate to some much of what you said, about grief being a presence, not a feeling or even a group of feelings. Maya passed at almost 19 from CKD. Mosi was 21. She had diabetes for the last four years of her life and other health problems, but they never stopped her. She was fearless, funny, willful, independent and at the same time so tender. She needed me so much, especially in these last couple of years. And perhaps I needed her even more. She was my anchor. We were inseparable. My whole life was organized around her. Both Maya and Mosi passed in my arms and both losses seem like they happened yesterday. Sometimes it hurts so much I can’t breathe. I am so grateful for my third kitty, Margo, who is 17 and who’s been my furry refuge. Thank you again.
Katia, I relate to and feel every word you are saying. Every. Word. I’m so sorry for your losses. I can’t control the grief, it is just bigger than me. Why is that, I wonder? I do not know–but my guess is it has something to do with love. To love this deeply, it seems we will also need to grieve this deeply. I’m so glad Maya and Mosi had you and that Margo still does. Sending so much love. S
Susan, I am very touched by your reply. And I also just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I’d like to share a quote from Jamie Anderson that has become part of my grieving and mourning process: “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
I love this. Thank you, Katia.
So many comments here from people who have lost beloved pets. So much loss and grieving.
I feel there pain. My wife and I lost our first dog, Lucky, a few months ago. I think as we’d not gone through it before we were a little unprepared.
But, as always, the memories are beautiful, though poignant.
take care everyone