Toni Gatlin
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In that our training has been thorough and robust, and I’ve been meditating for upwards of a decade now, I do feel prepared to offer instruction. At the very same time, I am increasingly aware of my own very limited abilities and need to grow in wisdom! I take comfort in two things: the technique is straightforward, and this is not about me. As long as I can impart the technique accurately to my student(s), my own insecurities and inadequacies can take a back seat.
This is beautiful, MaryBeth. I resonate deeply with that idea of wanting to do what brings joy regardless of the paycheck… read the poems that YOU love rather than the ones someone wants to assign to you! And what a gift for both of us to be in different places in life where that’s a real option. <3
I love everything about this! I too was raised in strict gender roles that did not equip women to provide for themselves, and with lots of baggage around receiving any kind of compensation or generosity. Learning to charge a fair price (fair for both parties) for my skills is a life lesson that’s been hard to learn, but worth it.
My thinking on this is influenced by a few undergirding truths (at least I believe they are true!):
People value what they invest in; though “investment” isn’t always or solely financial.
People do not typically place a high value on freebies that are handed out to everyone.
People do value gifts when the gift is special or important to them, or when it is given by a special person.We’ve been trained to give this teaching only to those who ask for it. People routinely ask for and pay willingly for all sorts of guidance: fitness training, piano lessons, guided excursions, life coaching…
Spiritual teachings themselves don’t/shouldn’t/can’t have a dollar amount ascribed to them, yet time, training, and expertise can.
Like Susan, I too want to live indoors and eat food, and not feel “scroungy.” That said, teaching meditation is not something I expect to be my main livelihood but mainly an addition to several other helping modalities that allow me to be of benefit in the world.
There are other important principles that are also wrapped up in this talk of money, principles such as generosity, making (and accepting!) offerings, humility, transmission… I don’t understand all the layers and complexities well enough to articulate, but I do sense enough to move in a general direction with the knowledge that as my understanding evolves, I can adjust my course.
With these truths (fuzzy and otherwise) in mind, here’s the general direction I’d like to go. Offering meditation instruction at an accessible base rate and accepting donations above that (should a student feel inclined) seems a comfortable spot for me right now. I also want to always offer space for free events and scholarships for those who can invest in only non-financial ways (time, study, genuine interest and dedication). I have been the recipient of much life-changing generosity in this life and would be honored to be able to pass on the blessings I’ve been given.
An acquaintance shared recently in a group about her perspective that when we incarnate in this life, we choose to experience both the gifts and drawbacks of separateness. We have the joy and freedom of making our own decisions, choosing our own path, and yet that separateness comes at a cost; in a worst-case scenario, we’re alone, helpless, left to our own devices. Whether my friend’s theory is true or not, I think she highlights on the constant tension of the individual vs. the collective. Do I want complete freedom with no accountability? Do I want complete dependence and enmeshment in a larger system or entity? Is there a healthy middle way?
I believe this can apply to the student-teacher relationship, and probably every relationship we have in this life. As humans, we’re constantly choosing whether or not to connect, and how closely. As a teacher, the connection might best be rather one-sided, with the teacher listening more than sharing, imparting received wisdom more than disclosing personal details. The attachment is stronger on the student’s side, with the student following and trusting the teacher much more than the reverse.
I’ve had experiences with teachers (bosses, too!) who tried to also wear the hat of friend, and it almost always became uncomfortable for one or both of us. Having a connection that has “fuzzy edges” and ambiguity rather than a clearly-defined relationship always caused confusion for me. I’m currently experiencing the awkwardness of working with a friend in a mentoring context (not meditation teaching) and it’s become very hard for me to fulfill the leadership role I need to do while also attempting to remain open as friends. She and I have only a couple more meetings planned where this will be the case, and I suddenly realize that I will be so relieved when we can revert to just friends again!
One factor that I recognize late-ish in life (I’m 48) is my particular style of neurodivergence that doesn’t always pick up on social and relationship cues that others sense intuitively. This means I need to pay extra attention to being straightforward myself as well as asking for clarification (maybe even when I don’t think I need it!).
As a student I would prefer to have a clear sense of where we each stand and to make explicit our expectations are of each other, and as a teacher I want to create that sense of clarity and safety with and for my students. I believe that relationship is best created by a level of professional distance that shows the student my open-hearted humanity (do people really want to learn from a robot?) and yet maintains a sense of authority and confidence in what I’m doing and teaching. I expect that finding the balance for myself, and with each student, will be a lifelong task.
I am so drawn to Discipline: the idea of coming back over and over and always being able to make a fresh start is so comforting. Gathering virtues and dharmas and finding new ways to be of benefit all seem to be at the very core of what we’re about here. Growth and insight is not often a one-and-done occurrence but rather a tenacious commitment to keep trying, keep doing the thing, again and again and again, and that’s how discipline seems to me.
Wisdom seems so huge, so dreamy and beyond all concept. It seems like a land very far away that I’ve heard about but I’m not sure how to get there or how to become a citizen of that country.
Offering instruction for the first time felt a little scary but invigorating. Rather like working up the nerve to run down the length of a diving board and cannonball into the water, I had to Just Do It. I knew it would be an imperfect attempt and that was okay, because I was in a learning space where Beginner’s Mind was not only appropriate but required.
I was happy to be in a safe, welcoming, structured space where everyone was learning together. It was delightful to be partnered one-on-one with another student and learn from their instruction as well. I was uncertain of whether I remembered to verbalize every aspect of the technique (I did not!). It will take a while for that to be embedded in my mind so I can give it from memory.
When I determined that I wanted to train seriously for spiritual work, one of the first things I did was ask trusted mentors for advice. I didn’t seek their approval out of a need for anyone’s permission to follow my own inner knowing of my call, but I did feel strongly that I didn’t want to be the Lone Ranger out there doing my own thing with no training or guardrails or accountability. I wanted a shared heritage, and the benefit of others’ wisdom and experience, both ancient and modern.
Lineage is simply another word for the heritage that we share as a community with those who came before us. I didn’t spontaneously generate on this Earth: I am physically the product of parents, and grandparents, and great-grandparents, and on and on. This genetic lineage isn’t the only thing that has formed me; while I remain deeply and authentically *Toni*, I am also the ever-evolving result of every mentor, teacher, leader I’ve ever known, possibly even every *person* I’ve ever known. Choosing my teachers allows me to shape my own lineage, in a way.
Having my call confirmed by others outside of my own head has increased my sense of peace and confidence, allowing me to step onto a shared foundation that I know will hold because it’s held so many who came before. Lineage is how I know I’m not dangerously out on a limb by myself.
Colin, this was so moving to read. So much of your thought process resonates with me, though you expressed it both more clearly and more beautifully than I could. I too feel the sense of finding my own “middle way,’ and your “underlying foundation” feels spot on to me. Thank you for expressing this so well to share with us; I’ve learned from you!
I too appreciate the “don’t take my word for it” encouragement that Susan offers! Proving things to be true (or not) for ourselves is far more powerful than accepting any particular indoctrination.
My life experience has been almost exclusively with eternalism. There was a brief period perhaps a decade ago when I had a sort of “what even matters?” perspective as I wrestled with the lack of a felt sense of purpose, but even then I never truly felt that there was no structure to the universe or to life.
The worldview that was instilled in me during my formative years was one of an absolute God and a created order that required my compliance in order to please the God who held my eternal fate in his hands. Because this belief was the water in which I was born and learned to swim, it did not feel in any way optional to me. It was just the way things were, and I as the created being had no say in the matter.
More recently as I have decided to prioritize curiosity, wonder, and mystery, I am growing much more comfortable with not understanding the Divine. In fact, I think that a deity that I could fully understand with my finite human mind wouldn’t actually be much of a God! The more I can let go and the more I can accept uncertainty and groundlessness, the more open I can be to the myriad ways to experience the spiritual life.
Compassion is the water in which I choose to swim now. I am confident that there is a creative and benevolent force of love in the universe, and I can be in relationship with this love, and I can cultivate this love in myself as well. As for anything beyond that, and what happens to our souls or consciousness after our human life ends, I’m content to let it remain a mystery.
Hello, all; what a delight to read your introductions and get to know you a bit. 🙂
I live in Central Texas with my husband and dog, and I come to this training with a desire to be of service in the world. Susan has spoken of “strengthening our friends” when we feel unable to defeat our enemies, and I think that’s something that training as a meditation teacher will better equip me to do.
In addition to this course, I’m in training as a spiritual director and non-profit leader. I’m very excited to fit these skills together in a way that makes (at least my little corner of) the world a better place.
That last paragraph is gold, and something I hadn’t thought specifically about just yet. Thanks for pointing out the need to consider our student’s context before jumping in!