Dawa
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Oh Erin, you had me at wordle 😉
You know that thing about wanting ‘for’ others? I don’t know if you have children in your life, but they will knock that right out of you, in my experience. My greatest go-to reminder as a Couple’s Counsellor is “Don’t be more ambitious for your clients than they are”… think about it…it’s SO DIFFICULT! We do sometimes, as givers, need to protect all parties, ourselves first…by taking an approach of “that’s none of my business.” Do you find that? Have you found that containing boundaries are the salve for over-generosity becoming resentment?Allison, Nice catch there on the co-dependent aspects of people-pleasing. I at times think we are all recovering people pleasers, especially women. It is an un-learning.
There is a fantastic book on this called “Are You Mad At Me?” by Meg Josephson.My patience has been tested several times as I typed this, and then lost it a few words prior to hitting submit ;P So yep, patience is confirmed to be the paramita I am most challenged by. lol?
I have not in my life so far been a very patient person. On the 1 hand that has been to the detriment of many relationships, including mine with myself. On the other, my “rush” gets things done.
Naturally, I find I quite enjoy when others are patient with me. I won’t be rushed. So I see my own double standard in action. I notice patience, as a ‘virtue’ is often coupled with other lovely traits: “kind & patient”, “gentle & patient”, “loving & patient”…in fact doesn’t the saying go “love is patient?” I certainly want to have those attributes associated to my personality – so perhaps patience is the way in?
I can say with absolute certainty that parenting has been the greatest teacher with regards to patience. Raising well balanced, happy, healthy adults… is nothing to rush! As the Mother to a 13 & 15 year old…both neuro-spicy and 1 transgender, I feel like I have been given endless chances to lean into developing patience. These opportunities will keep showing themselves! Parents will understand and chuckle here.
Menopause is proving to also be life’s little uninvited sensei. If this sweaty, hairy, grumpy process of living into my ‘middle-essence’ doesn’t kill me or leave someone maimed, I might just have succeeded in remaining patient after all 😉
Generosity is the paramita that occurs most naturally to me. I have always been a ‘Helper’ in both a professional sense, and as a personal affect. I’m glad for this, and abhor missing a chance to be of service. It does tend to have me often over-give at times, and this can be draining. I am aware
now that I need to conserve myself sometimes, energy & resources. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to do anything. I have sadly learned some lessons the hard way. The trial here has been for me to remain open and generous anyway, in a way that is safe for me. Some of our greatest personal traits can develop as adaptations to challenges earlier in life. I’m always working on making sure the things I hold as values are still useful and healthy, rather than maladaptive in the here & now. In short, I lean into my generosity with patience, so as to not get ‘jaded.’Oh Sandie, so honest. That little internal perfectionist is always ready to pipe up eh? Let’s dedicate the merit to everyone spiralling right now? 🙂
Jersey, I love this! We are ALL drawing breath here. We are ALL sitting. We are ALL resting hands on knees, etc. It’s sweet to think of it like that.
Hey Alexandra, as your partner I can say you did great in leading, and everything seemed natural and had a flow 😉 Thank you for your instruction.
Thanks for commenting Jo. I will always find ways to utilise NLP, I love it! So glad you enjoy it as well.
Leading a sit, giving instruction felt….ok. I have led meditation previously but in a more floral way… lots of leading, almost hypnosis-like…detail, detail, detail! I truly enjoy the freedom and theatrics of that style. Trained in Neuro-linguistic programming, my style has thus far been to set a scene in a guided meditation. I see the distinction now that our new style is in the container… pared back (waaaaay back) and for good reason…focus on being awake and in the here and now, rather than the “elsewhere” and dreaminess of it all. Anyway, I think I went too simplistic. I have thought about it a lot since, and now have a way forward. “Bottom up or top down” is likely how I’ll go…a focus on the body – piece by piece. I know I forgot to mention where arms go, and hearing, and focus on the breath… and 10 minutes felt like a lifetime. Then, I just let myself off the hook and enjoyed the silence along with my partner. Always learning! 😉
So I have really waffled on this topic. At first I thought I had no lineage to speak of…no idea what to write. Reading essays by others here as helped me to discover that I DO SO.
First, I want to admit that when I hear the word ‘lineage’ I am initially irritated. It sounds to my ears, like an anthropological imperative… like “old way”…or like the things my family would say when I rebelled, “respect your elders!” And I just…don’t. Sure, I admit, as a bit of a self-described rebel, I prefer new perspectives. What I have learned and can now say, at 53… and a Mother… and having lived in many and varied places… is that it can be worthwhile to not always have to learn by first-instance. Perhaps there IS some good to be taken from what gets passed down, rather than rejecting it wholesale. At times, paying attention to lineage can save painful mistakes. Sometimes what is handed down is precious, well-worn knowledge. And this is where I come to Buddhism. More on that in a bit.
So, I can say that I belong to the following lineages, at least…
IMMIGRANT – My family of origin were Ukranian/Polish immigrants to Canada. They had to emigrate for the chance of a better life. I am now an EXPAT (Immigrant by choice – how luxurious!).
MOTHER (thanks for this one Stina): This has been the greatest challenge and investment and heartbreak of my life. Yes, sure I guess I’m from a lineage of Wives, Daughters, Women, etc… but Mothering is the doozie. Not all Mothers agree with each-other or Mother the same way or even speak the same language – but Motherhood is a TRIBE. Of this I am certain, and in this lineage I stand proud.
GEN X: Look, we are just build different. IYKYK. I revel in not needing to explain myself to other GXers. I feel seen, heard, understood, accepted, SAFE with my generation. Again, not ALL, but the lineage matters. As I say to my teenage kids “what do I know? I’m from the 19th century.” Joking, not joking.
Now, Buddhism: As a lineage, I am happy to stick with this, as it DOES foster/encourage new perspectives. The “don’t take my word for it, but try it on for size” approach is what keeps me coming back. And the history of the stories is somehow charming and comforting. The I think Buddhists are my people, because Buddhism tends to draw the rebels and freaks who didn’t/couldn’t conform to other faith dogmas (generally I mean). And yet, it’s ancient in origin, and has evolved in practice. Sometimes, especially very recently, (and I think we can all agree here) it can seem like we value nothing anymore in this world – like it’s all disposable. As lineage goes, Buddhism is lovely for what it is rooted in, and the evolution it invites.Rosie, thanks for thee book reccos. I have TBW on the way already. I had never heard of it, and I am making concentrated efforts to when at all possible put women first, followed by anyone from a disenfranchised group – re what I am taking in info-wise, in entertainment etc. It sometimes takes a lot of work, but is worthwhile as it tips the balance in my own small way to de-centre male voices I feel we have been programmed to assume are the correct ones by default. I too am drawn to this witty, sometimes gentler approach. I suppose this does come from what I can now see is an underpinning lineage of womanhood.
Stina, oh Stina! Preach, sis. This line of thought re : Buddha as deadbeat Dad… just wow… I’ve gone down a google wormhole on that one, and I’m not done with it.
Reading your answer here had me change what I’m going to write (why I try not to read any prior to just doing my own.) Doh! I’m not looking at lineage through the lens of what/who/where where I connect. Thanks for that.
Also, and of course, YES a thousand times to 100% of what you say re |Mother lineage.Mike; this really resonates with me now: “eternalistic approach felt more and more like a human construct intended to impose order and hierarchy.”
I work consistently to maintain/develop a non binary approach to my life and work (and parenting and marriage …) and this means reviewing what i take in through a robust series of filters. Most of the time, I see things as they are now – socially, politically… as quite binary…aka patriarchal … aka racist to the core (white) … aka sexist (male) … aka hetero-normative (a heady mix of mysogonist and homo-phobic at once) … and almost always harmful as a result.
If faith (eternalist approaches) keeps masses fearful of a G*D, what a fantastic distraction it is from the true state of the world! And now more than ever! Sorry not sorry that got political.Ana & Djuna, to both of you I think it’s great that a faith wasn’t ‘forced’ on you…or assumed… and yet that there was a suggestion of choosing 1 later… as if that is an adult affect.
As someone who was raised with forced faith and all it’s trappings, who now is raising kids without without any G*D, it has never occurred to me to even remotely suggest to them to do that.Oh wow, this week’s essay is a doozie. I feel like, depsite a ton of notes and thought, this will be a stream-of-consciousness extrordinaire. I hope it makes sense. I’ve chosen to not read any others until I finish mine, as I don’t want to be influenced or do any comparing.
My experience growing up was one of forced eternalism. On 1 side of the family, the Grandmother whose home I was mostly raised in was 7th day adventist. An immigrant to Canada from Ukraine, she had 9 kids. I sometimes think the faith was a way of getting through harsh conditions, and became a form of fear based child rearing. It trickled down to us many grandkids. I was taught the 10 commandments and know them well to this day. I was told I would go to a place called heaven…if I behaved just so. I can’t ever smell Irish Spring soap – as that was what she used to wash out our mouths if we swore. So essentially, by today’s standards, it was child abuse. So, that’s eternalism for me in a nutshell… it leaves a “bad taste.” And yet…while rebelling against that as soon as I could (14ish, when I got my 1st job, own money, some measure of freedom) I have long romanticised another avenue to nirvana…heaven by any other name. In uni and for some time after, that was recreational drug use and drinking and dancing into oblivion… later it was hot yoga and retreats and meditation of all varieties. I think I can now look back & say it was seeking forever in people… in romantic entanglements of various types. This notion of forever…of permanence…of getting all the sweet treats if I can only be a good enough girl… it endures. In high school my best friend Mimi was Jewish. I almost converted because I loved her so much, and her life seemed perfect. I’m glad I didn’t. In my 20’s I attended intense 1 on 1 Kabballah studies. I left when it became eerily about recruiting others and paying for courses. Then, in June last year, I took my Buddhist vows. This feels right. As Susan says…”an end to spiritual shopping.” Phew.
About a decade ago, after a 10 day Vipassana silent retreat, I tattoo’d on my arm “this isn’t permanent” (see what I did there ;)? It still surprises and delights me to look down and have tat reminder. The tattoo isn’t, the moment isn’t, the flesh it marks isn’t… none of it will remain forever. It’s bittersweet. Most people who notice it don’t get it…that’s OK.
So, on to Nihlism. I think this is something that typically accompanies a form of an intellectual argument. some would say it’s more the realm of the scientists… I don’t know about that…as science is a process…and requires our respect. Much like faith…science seeks to make sense of our world – just without false idols. And anyway, science has confirmed for us that we are made of stardust…how fantastical is that?
So I will say this – I’d love to believe in reincarnation… that we will all be back…and I hope I’m a whale shark. I sometimes feel so much eerie deja vu that I really think I must have been here before. All I know is that…I don’t know. And that’s ok. I’ll stay here in the middle way, and observe.