Rena Meloy

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  • in reply to: Week Ten Essay #80325
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    Hi Eleanore! I’ve taken a few of your inspiring words and put them on a sticky note for myself:

    “Teaching is learning”
    “Teaching is a collaboration which changes us all”

    🤗🙏 Thank you!

    I’m also grateful for your honest reflection on what you need to help your teaching come to life (coconspirators – yes!). That seems like an important thing to identify and know for yourself. It also makes me think of the power of “sangha” – in all spheres of our practice and teaching. We can never go it alone, can we? <3 <3 <3

    in reply to: Week Ten Essay #80322
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    I am grateful for this question!

    When I was young, I would set up all of my dolls and stuffed animals in little chairs or on blankets in rows in front of my whiteboard and “teach” them ALL the things. I did this for years. It was one of my absolute favorite games. From a very young age, my innate zeal to teach, and the care with which I crafted my “lessons”, set up my “classrooms”, tended to my “students”, and FULLY committed myself to the experience, was very strong. I still feel that same eagerness and drive to share things with other beings. And to help communicate something of value and meaning to someone else. I was a tennis instructor, then a hip-hop and Irish Dance teacher, a tutor in high-school, and eventually became a meditation teacher. It feels like a natural gift that I was given, and have nurtured, from a very young age and one that is at the center of who I am as a teacher – and human – today.

    Another strength is that I have a great memory (for now, at least!) and my ability to recall passages from books, quotes, poetry, etc, is quite strong. Because of this, I am able to weave in to my talks or guidance, when appropriate, very valuable wisdom from other teachers/poets/etc in what feels like an effortless way. The words simply show up in my brain and I am right there to share them. I’m so grateful for this capacity, and of course, for the thousands of beings whose words/hearts/insights are now a part of my life and teachings.

    The third thing that comes to mind is connected to a bit of background….I had an unbelievably nourishing childhood. I had deeply loving and devoted parents (who had a strong and loving relationship). Two amazing brothers (we had our tiffs, of course, but there was a steady foundation of love). I was surrounded by grandparents, cousins, extended family, teachers, mentors, and a community that was, honestly in the way I remember it, pretty perfect. I didn’t experience any major traumas. The security and stability of my family was an impermeable refuge, and still is. Just this year, on my birthday, my younger brother Aven left me a voicemail and signed off by saying “I hope you feel endlessly loved”. I don’t think I’d ever heard those exact words before, but for some reason they struck a deep chord. I realized – this is my life. I have been endlessly loved….from my grandparents to my high school/college boyfriends to my now life partner and child. I have known what a gift this is, for a long time, but I still don’t think I’m able to fully comprehend how that wellspring of love has shaped who I am and how I am able to show up in this world. I think this love is something people can feel when they are with me. I think it is a gift I have been given to bring to those I teach and share practice with. It’s not something I need to offer (although I can), it’s just simply here…and there is such an abundance….that it is automatically shared.

    Perhaps connected to this feeling of love is my tenderness (another strength). When I first started meditating, and then teaching, I thought my tenderness would be an obstacle. I was afraid of it – I felt far too “squishy” to be holding space for anyone else. I have learned, and continue to discover, that it is a beautiful quality and incredible strength that helps me connect deeply with myself and others and show up more fully and sincerely in everything I do.

    Regarding my challenges….the first thing that comes to mind is my deeply ingrained people pleasing nature. Wanting everyone to be happy. To feel “good”. Avoiding conflict whenever possible. Difficulty with holding my own boundaries/needs, in an effort to make others more comfortable. I will say, I’ve come a LONG long ways (thanks to my practice!) AND…this is still something I need to attend to closely and work with. In a similar vein, wanting to “likable” finds its way into how I show up. I once had an MBSR teacher say “You don’t guide the body scan so people will like you.” And I was like, you don’t?!! 😂 Kidding (sort of)…but that was a big moment for me of realizing how much I wanted to guide people in a way that made them “feel good” so they would have a “good” “pleasant” experience with me and therefore like me as a teacher. Of course, that’s missing the point entirely! This has also shifted for me over the years, in a good way, but I still catch myself in that “wanting people to like me” space. It’s an ongoing practice to release that wanting or needing and come back to what is true and honest and real.

    I have a tendency to complicate things (or make them more “frilly” than they need to be….less words Rena, less words!….oh the irony as I write this incredibly long essay response, lol). This training has been a HUGE, huge support and nudge in the direction of simplicity and less (MUCH less) is so much more.

    The energy of needing to “prove myself” is something I’ve also been working with. Sometimes I find myself showing up with the primary (albeit often unconscious) intention to demonstrate (to myself and others) that I know what I’m doing and that I’m actually quite proficient/knowledgable/awesome/whatever! And, of course, it’s not about me! It is, in some ways (as Susan/we have all discussed), but it’s so much less about me than my ego wants me to believe. This comes back to our Week 5 essay on letting go of self as a path to true happiness. The more I can show up to teach from a place of “there you are” and “let’s discover something together” instead of “here I am” and “watch how creatively I can deliver this and see how much I can help you”. I’m cringing a bit as I write this, but alas…it’s true! I’m learning to soften that part of me that needs to know/prove, and also see, with compassion, that it comes from a very genuine yet tiresome place: when I prove myself, then I’m worthy.

    Welp, there’s more I could say, but this is quite long, so I’ll wrap here. This reflection on my strengths and challenges feels empowering – they’re all pathways pointing back to the dharma and growing into my most real, worthy, liberated self (non-self! 😆) in service to this beautiful world.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by Rena Meloy.
    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by Rena Meloy.
    in reply to: Week Ten Essay #80321
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    David, thank you for this beautiful response. A few things stood out to me especially. First, your line “not everything depends on how well you prepare your work, but that attention to the group and making people feel recognized and welcome is essential.” This is such bright wisdom, and I learned it the hard way. In an earlier stretch of my teaching life, I would put a ton of time/energy into preparing and come to the table with a wonderful offering, but I wasn’t able to be fully present, because I was caught in “delivering” what I had prepared….and because of this, I was missing the whole point entirely. Of course we prepare…some…but the showing up with compassion and kindness and PRESENCE is the heart of it all. Thanks for illustrating that so wonderfully here.

    I also appreciated reading your thoughts about being drawn in multiple directions (yup – I can relate there, too!) and how you’ve embraced your apparent dispersion. I am also embracing mine, while holding this newly-posed question (thanks Susan!) about the possibility of falling in love. I have a feeling that will happen…sooner than later…and I also have a hunch my “mandala” of tools and experiences (beautiful visual/reference, btw!) will make the process of finding and choosing a single path even more rich. I’m curious where your path will take you as well! Wherever that may be, I know it will be rich. It’s so clear your heart is fully invested in this journey (I can feel it through your shares in class and here in these essays) and it has been a joy and a gift to be in your cohort. <3 <3

    in reply to: Week Nine Essay #80149
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Jana. I love your first line – simply naming how presence in general can be difficult (even when we’re feeling just dandy). It’s so true. I also so appreciated your stories and how the intensity of your own sadness/grief was something you were able to hold space for….and also allow to permeate the boundaries between you and your patients so you could feel held in common humanity while holding compassion for their experiences. 🙏 Per your last line, one of my friends always says “Every single person has a story that could break your heart.” I find this so important to remind myself of….always. <3 <3 <3

    in reply to: Week Nine Essay #80148
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    Eleanore….I appreciate everything you shared here. Especially your experience of “hyperawareness” that rears up (amazing metaphors!) and how you have learned to skillfully work with it so you don’t lose your center.

    As I read, I was also thinking the exact same thing about Susan’s modeling of these very qualities. 100%. It is such a gift.

    Thank you for your insights! <3

    in reply to: Week Nine Essay #80147
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    I know the feeling, very well, of showing up to host a meditation class or guide students when something very emotionally big is happening in my life.

    More often than not, I felt like I should cancel class or have someone sub in for me, because I wasn’t in the right shape to hold space with and for others. And yet, over and over again, I was surprised (and sometimes baffled) by how being acutely in touch with my own suffering cracked me open in such a way that created a beautiful and vulnerable container for everyone else.

    I was usually alone with the context/details of my situation, but there was a very different level of open-heartedness and tenderness that I naturally carried…and it flowed out in my presence and my words. This vulnerable state also allowed me to let so much of the normal “stuff” (distractions, judgments, etc) go and in doing so, I could see and feel my students in their humanity so much more clearly. The rawness of my own experience seems to be a doorway to be truly, fully present for them, and I know they can feel it. And in turn, this gives them permission to be more open and tender as well (the most fruitful ground for practice!).

    In my earlier years of teaching as a HARDCORE pleaser, I always wanted people to leave my classes feeling “good”. I thought that was the point. So I leaned a lot into positive psychology, relaxation guidance, pleasant visualizations, etc. I tried to keep things fairly light and positive. Then I went through MBSR training and realized that was entirely NOT the point!

    Thank goodness I course-corrected pretty early on. When I first experienced what it felt like to teach from suffering – and to bring the energy of that into class, not in a heavy or burdensome way, but in a way that felt so profoundly real – I experienced SUCH a deeper connection to the students and to myself in the “teacher’s” seat. The alchemy of this seems so obvious to me now, but at the time, it wasn’t.

    What I am continually discovering through this journey is that our deepest teaching presence emerges not despite our struggles, but through them. The vulnerability I once thought would compromise my ability to guide others has become my greatest asset in creating authentic connection. When we can remain present with our own experience while holding space for others, something lovely happens—the artificial boundary between teacher and student softens, and we meet each other in our shared humanity.

    At the same time, this dance of vulnerability requires tremendous skill and discernment. I’m learning to navigate the delicate balance of sharing my humanity while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Even after years of teaching, I still sometimes feel QUITE wobbly in this space, questioning how much to share, how vulnerable to be, how to remain truly present with others while staying grounded in my own experience. But I’m learning to trust this uncertainty as part of the path, recognizing that this ongoing exploration and careful calibration is itself a practice (but of course!) — and one that keeps my teaching alive, authentic, and ever-evolving.

    in reply to: Week Eight Essay #79953
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    At some point in the first few weeks of this program, Susan offered something that really landed deeply for me:

    “Meditation won’t make you more peaceful. But it will make you something better. More REAL.”

    This came immediately to mind after reading this week’s passage and contemplating idiot compassion.

    To me, moments of true compassion have arose out of simply being present and opening my heart to whatever or whoever is in front of me. It comes from an embodied place (instead of a thinking/mental place)…a bottom-up process, and there’s is very little if any trying or guided effort or striving (‬Chogyam Trungpa‬ ‭speaks to this as well). It is just called forth in me. My connection to others (and the truth of our interconnectedness) feels so real and palpable and nothing else makes any sense except to open my heart and lean in. The more I meditate, the more I feel this taking root and blossoming in my life.

    In contrast, idiot compassion for me seems to be a top-down process. I am far more in my head than my body, and my ego is running the show (yeehaw). Similar to what Kate so boldly shared in her essay, the compassion is coming from a place of wanting to “look good” or make others feel good, or maintain peace, at all costs. It is dictated through thoughts and analysis and external triangulation of facts and actions, instead of from my inner knowing and intuition…and a deep tenderness in my heartspace. This type of compassion is NOT real. It is posturing. And it does not alleviate suffering.

    As I am metabolizing all of this (and others’ shares here in the forum…thanks friends!) I am realizing that there is something very useful about the forcefulness of the word “idiot” in this context that is jolting me out of my seat a bit….in the best way. I’ve never been a very good “tough love” person (almost always a softie….wanting people to feel good) and this exploration is helping me feel a new sense of energetic urgency to bring forth real compassion. To be less passive about my tendency to just let things slide….to not ruffle feathers….(assuming it will all just sort out) and recognizing instead that this is probably causing more harm than I think. And is, in fact, quite idiotic!

    For me, the real compassion is very present and alive on its own…I’m not worried about that. But I am realizing with a new vigor that it is time for me to take greater responsibility for my conditioning and ways of operating through passivity/pleasing and practice noticing when idiot compassion is present – to any degree – and stepping more readily onto the uncomfortable, less peaceful, but far more REAL and fulfilling path of true compassion.

    This is a huge growth edge for me…I can feel it in my chest as I type this….and I can’t help but also smile as I realize, for the umpteenth time, that this program, with you all, is EXACTLY where I’m supposed to be in my journey. So THANKS karmas (magnetism 🙂 ! Thanks Susan! And thank you all! <3 <3 <3

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by Rena Meloy.
    in reply to: Week Eight Essay #79950
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    Helene….I have often quoted the phrase “we are all just bozos on the bus”, but I never knew where it came from, so thank you for the reference! The full passage really touched me, along with your words:

    “Where compassion would look more like a space we engage in with our faith, our openness, our two hands on our heart and simultaneously on the heart of the other?”

    …I will be writing those down and keeping them close. Thank you! I have felt this each time I’ve read your weekly reflections (and I’ve read them all)…your way with words is truly unique, illuminating, and a tremendous gift. For me, it’s like reading poetry AND prose at the same time….in a remarkable dance together, that swirls in both my mind and heart in quite a profound way. Thank you for the depth, thoughtfulness, and creativity with which you share. It is having a big impact on my experience in this program and in my life!! <3

    in reply to: Week Eight Essay #79948
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    Kate….thank you so much for your honest and beautiful reflection here. When I read these lines, I was both a bit surprised and humbled by your blunt honesty:

    “…I have called so that I appear to care, but I am more concerned with looking good than being with my friend in pain.”

    I can fully relate, although I would rarely if ever admit it (so thank you for your candor here….and opening the door to my own). Likewise, one of the things my practice has revealed to me over the years is how many of my actions are driven by how they will make me look – how they will reinforce the view at I am an amazing and thoughtful and always-“there” friend and person, instead of a deeper intention to truly help. Of course I care, but it’s been very interesting to see more clearly what my primary motivation is in varying circumstances (e.g. often ego is at the helm…and through this lens, idiot compassion). This has also played itself out in patterns of over-extending myself to “help” (again, because I’m the “good” “reliable” person that always offers to help!) without the actual means to follow through, and that causes more suffering on all sides.

    Anyway…your post has helped me look at this with a fresh perspective and deepen my understanding AND compassion for you, myself, and others (hopefully the good kind! 😉 so a humble bow and thank you again for your words and willingness to share. <3

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by Rena Meloy.
    in reply to: Week Seven Essay #79794
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    youtube.com/watch?v=wgL20FNPLVM

    (here’s the link to Treleaven’s longer training…highly recommend!)

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by Rena Meloy.
    in reply to: Week Seven Essay #79791
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    I’m so grateful for Treleaven’s work (and thank you Susan for bringing this into this particular teacher training!).

    The first invitation – REALIZE – was so helpful for me the first time I was introduced to it. Thus far in my life, I have not experienced major traumas, so it was incredibly eye-opening to understand the pervasiveness of trauma and to have a clearer definition of it (I think previous, my idea of what was “traumatic” was pretty nebulous). His work has also helped me look back through my own life through a different lens and recognize that I have had some very intense experiences that I believe resulted in “traumatic stress”, that I would not have acknowledged otherwise, and it has helped me honor those experiences more fully…and learn more about others’ trauma in doing so.

    RECOGNIZE has also been a practice and a process. It’s so interesting how everyone’s stress manifests differently (my own included). I’ve found that, beautifully (and to no surprise), the more present and grounded I am, the more my intuition helps me recognize signs of struggle in people – on the surface, or a little deeper down or masked (as they often are). When I’m distracted or stressed myself, the signals from others aren’t as clear (or I can’t pick up on them because my own frequencies are louder). I feel relatively capable to notice signs of struggle when I’m teaching in person, but an area of question and ongoing investigation (and some concern) has been how to recognize this for online offerings. I teach quite a bit online…sometimes to brand new students….and if their camera is off and I don’t hear from them, I really don’t know how they are. This is where setting up a container that is trauma-sensitive (from the outset), giving options, and also guiding people to listen to their own experience feels super important. And also, more blatantly, sharing as often as possible that meditation isn’t for everyone – or might not be for you at certain times – so going gently and listening to your own intuition is super important – has also been helpful. Although, I will be honest in saying that sometimes, especially if I’m teaching a short class (30-mins), it can be challenging to fit it all in.

    RESPOND – I’m grateful for my MBSR training (and also exposure to Treleaven’s work) to have some tools for responding – both inside and outside of practice. I run a mindfulness organization and community with my partner, and we are going to start including a link to a brief trauma-sensitive guide for people to read in our intake form when they first join our community (or first sign up for a class) so that hopefully they have a bit of awareness and feel empowered from the outset. I’ve also found that whenever my intuition says “hey – you should check in with this person” – I’ve tried to always listen to that. Even if I’m not sure why. Usually, there’s something there. And if there isn’t, I’ve found that it never hurts to just touch base and is usually appreciated by the person. I will also say, I’m continually eager to learn new ways for responding, so I’m appreciating this opportunity to reflect and to hear other’s comments!

    RE-TRAUMATIZATION – David has a great, longer video on YouTube that was a part of Brown University’s training (it’s free and ~1 hour) that goes much more in depth on this topic. I found it very supportive, if anyone’s interested!

    He guides a great experiential exercise that involves trying to “pry a fist open” versus “softly hold a fist with your other hand”….a metaphor for how we, as facilitators, can meet others’ trauma unskillfully or skillfully. The exercise was wonderful to experience (for me) and really gave me a felt, embodied sense of the desire in me to show up fully in a way that does not re-traumatize, but rather brings a palpable compassion, wholeheartedness, and understanding to each person I encounter (even without context). And through showing up in that way, helps them feel supportive to find their own path forward in each moment….whether that’s opening and healing or closing and guarding for now.

    I’ll close again by saying how helpful it is to “steep” in these types of conversations. I think so much of this, for me at least, is about keeping the importance of trauma-sensitivity top of mind and heart so it is “there/here” always when I’m showing up…not just to hold space for others, but as I move through the everyday world.

    in reply to: Week Seven Essay #79786
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    Hello Anne! Thanks for your thoughtful comments here. Personally, I appreciate you mentioning this: “When I first began to meditate, focusing on my breath frequently triggered anxiety in me.”

    Along my own journey (both meditating and teaching) I have connected with many, many meditators who have shared a similar anxious experience to yours. I remember in one of my first MBSR trainings, there were a handful of “teacher-trainers” who were RELIEVED when they were told that there are many other anchors that they could work with besides the breath. I think eventually they found their breath as a supportive anchor, but they needed a different doorway in, and they too found body awareness or sound to be a gateway that felt so much more nourishing.

    This is a question I have (Susan, if you’re here reading this, perhaps you can comment on this in class? Or I can ask it, too!)….I respect that our “practice” that you are inviting us to offer is solely focused on the breath…and in your guidance, I haven’t heard other anchors offered. I truly appreciate the simplicity of this approach, and as someone who very much enjoys using my breath as an anchor, it feels resonant. At the same time, I’m wondering about this in the context of Anne’s comment and many others’ experience as well. In your own teaching/guiding (especially for newer folks), do you address challenges with working with the breath? I’d value any input here….from you or also from anyone else in the group who’s reading this. Thank you!

    And thanks again, Anne, for your thoughts here. <3

    in reply to: Week Seven Essay #79785
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    Thanks for your thoughtful response here Kelly! I appreciated all of it, but especially your comment about listening to our intuition (which we of course deepen through mindfulness practice 🙏) and also your emphasis on words. This was a big part of my MBSR teacher training pathway – learning how to use “invitational” language like “I invite you to find a comfortable seat” instead of “commanding” language “Find a comfortable seat”. For some people, it can make all the difference! I also really appreciated the “chord” mention from Treleavan – for me, it feels like such a well-rounded and whole approach to meeting trauma. Grateful for your insights! <3

    in reply to: Week Six Essay #79703
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    “The more space I give them, the easier they settle.” – such a good way to phrase this Rachel, thank you! I can definitely relate. It’s wonderful to recognize your process of learning to trust the leaning in process – even if it’s terrifying at first. And also recognizing the steadiness that has grown in you as a result of your practice….and the capacity to hold many emotions at once. All things that I’m sure make your daily lived experience more easeful and that are also a huge gift to others in your life. Thank you for sharing! <3

    in reply to: Week Six Essay #79702
    Rena Meloy
    Participant

    I love the way you describe how compassion “diffuses” difficult emotions (like anger) and how coming home to presence over and over can “melt” the physical sensations. I can relate to the felt sense of that so much in my own practice, and your words are a beautiful reminder that just being present with whatever we’re feeling is often more than enough. Thank you Ann! <3

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