Rachel Hirning

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  • in reply to: Week 2 Essay #81651
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Ric, I am most struck by your shrines that hold people you have loved at all points in your life and in different ways. Sounds like a beautiful way to hold sangha – or rather, incorporate sangha into the shrine. How loving.

    in reply to: Week 2 Essay #81650
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Yes Lacey! I resonate with your post. I just love the active part of the shrine, otherwise I find it becomes part of the furniture so to speak. The old stove sounds like it isn’t going anywhere and is happening to hold whatever shrine things you feel are important. Sounds flexible. 🙂

    in reply to: Week 2 Essay #81648
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    I find myself busy as of late, and will keep this short. Not because Im not in love with all of what is happening here. Just the tides are pulling me in lots of directions.
    I wanted to share that I DID NOTICE the difference between just sitting myself down to meditate vs. opening the shrine, meditating with it, closing the shrine at the end of the day.

    My shrine right now is a work in progress. It is fascinating to me to notice that what I initially put on there, doesn’t draw me in like I would think. That space is activated and yearning for the pull, the teacher pictures, the true calls of my spirit and desire to connect to that wisdom afoot. I need the objects that do that.

    I’ll be changing it – currently it has a Buddha that doesn’t speak to me (the abundance Buddha/its the only one I had, picture of clouds/sky, a candle that extinguished within 12 hrs (need to get more or choose something different there), a bowl with oil pastels, and empty small glass bowl (but will experiment with placing water in there) my buddhist book where I transcribe notes, and a huge mirror behind all of it. I’ll take down what isn’t working.

    See, unsettled. But I felt the potential. The difference. And I can’t wait to see it come together as my finances allow and -listening to what longs to be there- unfolds. It needs integrity. So I will take my time.

    in reply to: Week 2 Essay #81647
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    duplicate

    • This reply was modified 5 months ago by Rachel Hirning. Reason: erasing the duplicate I had mistakenly posted
    in reply to: Welcome! Please introduce yourself. #81555
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Hello Everyone!
    My name is Rachel Hirning, and I live in Steamboat Springs CO. I have fallen in love with Susan and all the offerings the Open Heart Project provides. I graduated from the meditation teacher training recently. That opened me up to the jewel of Sangha. I am ready for it. I am also in love with art making and how meditation supports the creative process. I’ve been a counselor and art therapist for many years, and graduated from Naropa University in 2005. However, I am hoping to branch out of that work and into more coaching/supportive roles. Im finding midlife to be a coming home of sorts, allowing me to deepen what I feel matters and reconnect with what set me off on that career path to begin with. Happy to deepen with all of you!

    in reply to: Week Ten Essay #80290
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Ann, silence..yes! It is so hard to hold isn’t? I resonate with that worry as well. I’ve watched closely how Susan meets the silence if there is one. I love how you offered up the suggestion of what to do with all the thoughts that fill it, by simply let them go as you do in meditation. There is so much that spills over into daily practice that happens with just sitting practice. Thanks Ann for sharing.

    in reply to: Week Ten Essay #80289
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Erin, thanks for sharing your wisdom. Love what you shared, and through writing, I too also realized there is a ‘light side and the other is the dark side of the same issue’. Isn’t that amazing!? I appreciate how you said they ‘point in the same direction’. Your care in teaching and deep appreciation for the practice is so evident. Your students will feel that.

    in reply to: Week Ten Essay #80288
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Awww, it strikes me as sad to part ways with everyone. I have adored every moment of this. Thank you all!!! Everything that was said, experienced and felt has been tremondous for me. An open heart started to reveal itself. Sometimes I would just tear up for no apparent reason during the Saturday sessions. With this, came a vulnerability that had been there all along. It was just buried and kept safe. I am able to see this part of myself genuinely right now. It is also playing into my ‘challenge’ as I consider teaching.

    This vulnerability is insecure and easily intimidated by all the ones who seem to know. Those amazing folks who know more and say it ‘better’. I’ve been hunkering down in my work, mostly 1:1 conversations with others. No one really knows what I’m doing in there. I haven’t had a boss, no measurement or annual review of any kind. Sure, there are some indications I’m doing just fine, but turning this inside process outside, for the world to see, is a bit daunting. Fearful that I will be stumbling over my words during my teaching moments, or being uncertain about my responses and perseverating on how I met any given situation or question when I get home.

    Also, I’m wanting to avoid feeling judged, because all teachers seem ‘judged’ somewhow by their students. I was, afterall, trying to avoid judgement when I gave meditation instruction to Susan. I chose to do that part last, trying to wiggle out of that all together. Ha.

    This insecurity (vulnerability) makes me want to keep my head in the sand and drop the idea of teaching all together.

    Yet, that doesn’t feel genuine.

    Questions abound. Hmmmm, does one have to have some thick skin to do this? Obviously not, but, what will be my guiding reason to do this? What will happen when I don’t answer in the most elegant of ways? How will I hold this space, with this open heart, and with the sensation of insecurity? What is the way to start that feels just beyond the comfort zone but not too far beyond it? Those are all questions I look forward to sitting with.

    One of my strengths will be contemplation before embarking on this journey. The sitting and listening to myself before I begin, to cultivate insight and put forward the most loving and right intention.

    Also, my ability to keep it simple is useful for students. I’ve never been one to over complicate with my words. In fact, sometimes I think I use too few.

    Another strength will be my organic approach. I am never good with preplanned answers. I like to be in the moment and answer with what feels ‘right’ at the time. I can trust that even though there may be 10 great responses, the one I chose in that moment is what felt right. There isn’t much more I can do in that moment.

    Some of these strengths I realize are antidotes to my fears of teaching and the challenges I may face. How convenient. 🙂 I can see the path to deepening my own practice as I teach others. It is so profound and brave to wake up and be with what arises and still do what you are called to do.

    Thanks again everyone and Susan….thank you. thank you. thank you.

    in reply to: Week Nine Essay #80091
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Oh goodness yes. It is funny, a few months ago I experimented with counting in meditation. As I was counting down, I was having other full scenarios (thoughts) running in another part of my head. It was like I could split my brain in two. I wondered if that was normal. Or, was my brain just trained to do that from 18 years worth of being a therapist?

    I remember my mentors and teachers talking about something similar. You can be deeply listening, and have an entire assessment, curiosity, sensation, and/or thought about where you may nudge the conversation and process (for whatever reason) going on, in the back of your mind. And sometimes yes…there is simply listening, holding space; that is super important. But, I also have to guide the session somewhere, sometimes. Ask a question. Suggest a process to try, etc.

    However, one time in particular, I heard concerning news about another client thru a collegue, and the templation to worry or respond in a crisis manner was very loud. It was taking up a lot of space in the back of my mind. I had to reassure it, I knew there was nothing that can or should be done in that very moment. The important phone calls or reaching out could wait 50 minutes. Ironically, meeting the current client in that moment, made my nervous system calm a bit. I could relax into the session and with a great deal of compassion. It was almost as if it was a reminder of how important relationships are in healing. I was able to bring that. That session closed, and with a calmer nervous system, I was able to think more rationally about the next steps for the concerning one. In the end, I was able to make contact with that individual and all was well.

    in reply to: Week Nine Essay #80090
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Ann, Your intention setting as a yoga teacher is beautiful. I imagine the students are ushered into quite the space for feeling into their breath and body, for long periods, with gentleness.

    Likewise, your gentle practice of giving yourself time before and after if necessary certainly helped them sink in deeply to their practice. You, as well as the environment you set up, allowed that to happen. What alchemy!

    in reply to: Week Nine Essay #80089
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Qwen, Oh so challenging to be privvy to such intel, yet go through the steps accordingly. Your desire to be authentic anyway, and lead in a way that would be enriching no matter what, helped guide this in a new and productive direction. I imagine it helped those who were laid off transition. Well done. What a hard space to hold! You honored you and them, and the process simultaneously. Thanks for sharing. It was great to read how that can take place when not in a specfic ‘teacher’ role or working 1:1 with people.

    in reply to: Week Eight Essay #80033
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Dominic, Yes. I am most stuck by this too – the selfishness of idiot compassion. How often we are protecting ourselves from hurt, want this person to see us as great, or wanting to avoid the pain of telling the truth and having that person be mad at us. ME ME ME. Imagine the shoes one must wear that align with true compassion. They are rooted to earth, clear, and now feel very bodhisattvha to me. Thanks for sharing your insight.

    in reply to: Week Eight Essay #80032
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Kate, I love your examples of what true compassion looks like. The example of the Crohn’s disease between friends. Ouch! What an outcome, and surely that person wanted very much to help. Thanks or your insight. It helps me understand how this dynamic comes into play, beyond just enabling.

    in reply to: Week Eight Essay #80028
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    Well, I’ve done it! I did some idiot compassion…b/c I was trying to avoid conflict. I did this a great deal in the beginning of my life. Of course, there is a long thread about how ‘not rocking the boat’ became important, but there was always a quiet part of me that knew another truth. The more I avoid and enable, the more it serves ME and does nothing for the person or the relationship I am in. It stunts growth on so many fronts.

    Although this has gotten better over time, it still percalates on smaller scale levels. Just today I broke some idiot compassion pattern with my nearly 14 year old son. My favorite ritual is to start the day with an hour long hot tub soak. Luxurious! It helps wake me up.

    But more and more I feel like I can’t, because I have become my kid’s snooze alarm. I’ve given him 5 warnings, I’ll no longer do that. I will be soaking. “You can’t rely on Mom and Dad to wake you up anymore.” I’ve taught him how to set the alarm and snooze. Well, today, he didn’t take heed. He overslept, while I was in the hot tub.

    He needed to feel the sting of missing the bus and asking one of us for a ride. My normal ways of teaching him weren’t working. It is hard to be a parent and want to protect your kid from messing up, yet realize he needs to mess up. That will be his teacher now. I was compassionate for him afterwards, just enough to let him know I still care. I’m feel for his age, his need for sleep, the responsibilities he is learning as an 8th grader. Now, I can see him more fully by not ‘taking care’ of his every move.

    It seems that the more I stay connected to genuine compassion, the more authentic love, true seeing, and inspired action, can come through. I can take care of myself and others. Idiot compassion is a delusion, a fool-hearty way to keep samsara spinning.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by Rachel Hirning. Reason: spelling errors
    in reply to: Week Seven Essay #79852
    Rachel Hirning
    Participant

    This was such a great opening invite to learn about trauma sensitivy in meditation instruction. It strikes me that we can appraoch this difficult subject with awareness, presence, and intuition. Qualities we are already committed to in our practice. It is simply asking us to incorporate being mindful of this too, since trauma is common.

    I would imagine a student who is disrupted in class may be fidgeting, have difficulting breathing, or might be looping/perserverating on a thought or body sensation. Perhaps they are spacing off a lot…or crying, or look frozen in appearance.

    Offering how to alter the practice would be applicable, but not in a way that would ‘call out’ the person if one was in a group. Stating something like, “It is normal to shift your approach if something is feeling hard to hold in anyway.” And suggest moving from breath to hearing as the object of meditation. Explaining that their own gentle hands placed on the stuck body sensation while breathing could be useful. Or dropping the practice all together and observing or witnessing others. In instruction, reminding students as much of a moment to moment practice that meditation is, it is also a practice of being gentle with ourselves. That is the work. Afterwards, I may check in with the student in private to understand their experience and how I could be of support.

    I wonder if previewing or laying this out in the beginning of class, like in day 1, would be useful before sitting? Or, maybe is there a disclosure or statement they sign which may explain this? Hmmmm. I’d hate anyone’s trauma to bubble up spontaneously and blind side them. Although that could be the caretaker in me…I’ve never had meditation instruction where someone said, ‘watch out for this’. Gosh, that might scare one off! As I write, maybe I would invite the students to let me know beforehand if they felt like it would be important for me to know (that they have had trauma) and they are concerned. I could answer any of their questions and explain how I would approach this during meditation class.

    Loads to think about. 🙂

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