Kristin Houdyshell
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Nihilism comes up for me frequently in my practice of being a scientist. I suffer from the weight of it a lot! I have been especially noticing the habit of residing in nihilism once we named it in our discussions. On the day-to-day, most of my work entails studying the physics of glaciers. So, I have an acute exposure to unhealthy changes in polar ecosystems coupled with (somewhat) of a sense of the vast spatial scale of ice sheets. That’s all to say, I easily reside in the feeling of overwhelm, which I feed with nihilism (e.g., asking “what is the impact of my work, if at all, given the problems are so vast?”). Even when I experience wonder and “small-ness” relative to the universe at large, nihilism creeps up. It sound like “what is the point of this little existence?” “are we all just here trying to love and be loved?” “is this reality really all there is; this reality is all there really is.”
Conversely, I notice I have tried very hard over the years to have an eternalist view (as if that were the only other option). Meaning, I have wanted to believe in an afterlife, as someone that grew up in a white American Christian household because I was told doing so makes living easier. I was led to believe it is easier to believe in and trust in God because if I did then all of my actions would be in service to him and would ensure my entry into a heaven. None of this messaging resonated in my bones as a little kid, but I wanted it to. I wanted to believe that my actions were on a “right path” because I witnessed/witness the conviction that my family had/has (and other Christians I was exposed to in our white, male centered Church). It seemed so empowering! Now, I notice the remnants of this desire for certainty in the entry into heaven in my unconscious desires: I have a desire to do good and be good, not by my own judgement but by some external judge. And, if I meet a certain level of *goodness* then I’m “safe.”Not sure what else to add from here, as these are very fresh observations. I do know for sure, that I am of the nature to die. I am of the nature to get old. And, that I have a desire to be love, regardless of the return on that love.
Thank you, Jodi for sharing your insight. Your reminder to be present with your students and yourself (which requires boundaries and honest listening) is so powerful! Specifically, what stood out to me in your reflection was the insight that caring with boundaries can look like “not taking care of them in their experience,” which “allows for their own experience!” What an important reminder: if we listen to students and ourselves with presence, we can discern what boundaries we can place to offer kindness to ourselves and others. Thank you for sharing that holding boundaries, creating a container from engaging in the practice itself, listening (which requires presence), and inquiry are all tools of supporting discovery.
This reflection is so beautiful, Cheryl. What stands out to me is your awareness of the benefit of creating a container for students so they can show up as they are; something you have been able to experience in this teaching, as you shared, and in others that have left an indelible mark on your journey to an open heart. Your desire to be of benefit to others shows up in your reflection to remove your personal “I” from someone else’s journey. This reflection makes me think of the co-existing nature of the “self” and “non-self.” Although we can not completely remove the “self,” nor should we—as our lived experiences make for an embodied practitioner—we should also be diligent to not cloud the message that we hear from a student with our personal views. I can tell that your longing to be of benefit to others allows you, as you graciously put it, to “support and encourage them so they can discover their own insights and answers in their own way.”
Thank you for sharing.Thank you, Cheryl! I so appreciate your words. Your thoughtfulness, atttunement, and honesty makes this learning journey more enjoyable. It is a gift to be in training along side you!
Supporting discovery means to allow for freedom of an honest experience as it arises. That journey may look like experiencing the afflictions of the mind, experiencing feelings (physical, emotional, etc.) in response to our external/internal states, or experiencing being the breath. The primary tools that can facilitate discovery are active listening to what the person (along with ourselves) is expressing without assigning our own bias or judgement to it. This listening requires openness of our own minds, malleability of our mental narratives, and that we tune into our own felt sense as we are having it. Another useful tool may be mindfulness of the context of the experience. This mindfulness can come from asking “what is the environmental landscape in this given moment that would benefit from a particular response?” “How long do we have to engage in a discussion?” “What is being asked of me in this moment, and how would the environment support my response?” This mindfulness of context also stems from our ability to listen to the cues around us and tune into the feelings that arise within us (whether helpful or unhelpful). Another tool that may be especially useful is the tool of discernment. Without discernment, we may be unsuccessful in filtering out the signal from the noise within our own minds and from others/our environments. This discernment is also crucial for our ability to act in a way that may alleviate suffering within ourselves/others, facilitates freedom of experiencing something as someone is experiencing it, and know how to support someone as they navigate honest discovery.
Hi all,
My name is Kristin (Kris) and I live on-and-off in central/eastern Florida (where I was raised), Cape Cod MA (currently back on the Cape, with my new road-side puppy), and the Twin Cities MN (where my grad school is based). I have been practicing meditation and forms of yoga for ~13 years, starting under the teachings of an OHP member. It is the biggest delight to fall back on the practice and I have been eager to deepen my study in a formal training. I am grateful to be part of this teacher training with you all and am looking forward to more discussions. Thank you!
