Kimberly Hillebrand
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Your language around a “wobbly sense of self” is quite powerful. And I appreciate your transparency about where you’ve seen your own ego in action. The more I read about other folks’ awareness in this regard, the more aware of my own ego I become. I’m grateful, Anne!
How can you reconcile letting go of self as a path to happiness?
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche writes – Some people might say, “If you can’t afford to buy underpants, why are you dressed up in a suit and tie?” But somehow or other, we have managed to have a suit and a tie as well as decent underpants. That is how we do it. Otherwise, there would be no way to begin. If we said that you had to be a millionaire in order to become a king, this would make it impossible for you. Instead, we say that you simply begin as a king—and in the process, you could also become a millionaire.
Letting go of self is often seen as releasing a sense of pride, greediness or self-importance. But – I think that’s only half of the equation. Letting go of self also requires us to release self-doubt, striving for perfection, feelings of inadequacy, and lack of confidence. We were born with Buddha Nature, an inner perfection that many of us practicing Buddhism constantly strive to return to as adults. But aren’t we already there?
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche also said, “The ideal bodhisattva, or ideal student of the bodhisattva path, is the person who actually gives up the idea of personally attaining such a thing as enlightenment. Instead, you simply enjoy working with the paramitas, with the basic energy inspired by taking the vow.”
I think in both of these passages, he’s saying that the journey of the practice (meditation, paramitas, metta, etc.) is the path to happiness. And that it is more than possible. It’s actually already here, but we don’t tend to see it because of our lack of awareness of the depth and many facets of egolessness.
In my own life, lack of self-confidence, not feeling worthy, and a disconnection between how I perceive myself and my Buddha Nature are barriers to being in full-hearted service to others. Analytically, I know that where we are and where we want to be are one and the same. My work lies in believing that deep down to my core and allowing the manifestation of that awareness to translate out into the world for the benefit of others.
Once upon a time, I fell in love with someone who I believed to be “the one.” After about nine months together, his wife showed up at my doorstep after trailing her husband to my apartment after he left work. What I learned from his wife was that he had crafted two separate lives, one with his wife and kids and another with his girlfriend (me). I had no idea.
This incident was devastating, and my lack of self-compassion added to the pain and trauma. The negative self-talk was pervasive in those first weeks and months after I learned the truth.
How could I have not known?
Weren’t there signs? What kind of person couldn’t see all the obvious signs?
How could I have been so naïve?
Shouldn’t I have been able to tell he was being deceitful?Twenty-plus years ago, shock, anger, self-recrimination, and pain overwhelmed all other feelings. It took time (years) for my harsh questions aimed at my own apparent shortcomings to transform into statements of compassion – for me, for him, and for his wife and children.
I think revisiting a difficult life experience can, over time, become a beautiful gift. I’m a different version of myself than I was then. If I could, I would hold that younger version of myself close, acknowledge the release of all the tears that she held back for so long, and offer her all the love, compassion, and understanding that she couldn’t offer herself during that time. Just knowing how I would engage with my younger self in this specific situation helps me feel confident that, in a different difficult situation in the future, I can extend myself the same compassionate consideration. This is the gift!
I resonate strongly with your thought of your lineage being true to who you are in the moment. This is how my line of thinking has gone over the past week. That a lineage is not necessarily static, that it can change as we change. Thank you for putting your thoughts into words so eloquently and beautifully.
My idea of lineage has changed profoundly since last Saturday’s class.
At the Temple where I was ordained, I’m called a Lineage Holder, meaning there is a recorded line of teachers from myself back to the Buddha. I became Abbess at the Buddhist Temple where I was ordained just as news of our Guiding Teacher’s serious misconduct started to surface. And I spent the next year + trying to hold our Sangha together through their strong feelings of betrayal, hurt, and disappointment…before I burned out so badly, for my own wellbeing I stepped aside.
As soon as Susan mentioned the word “lineage” in our last class, it was like an ice cube ran up and down my spine. Since I left teaching, I’ve been trying to figure out why I have had such hesitation or reticence about teaching again. (since then, I’ve only engaged in guest speaking/guest teaching/panel roles). What I realized from our discussion about lineage was that sometime during that year of holding things together, and not tending at all to myself, what started playing over and over in my mind and heart was that because of my teacher’s improprieties, the chain of the Buddha’s teachings had been broken. My teacher had broken the lineage. And, somehow, because of this thought and my newfound lack of trust in my teacher, my confidence as a teacher was shaken significantly.
These were not conscious thoughts. I see them now almost as subliminal messages running in the background of my mind since that time — subliminal messages that hadn’t been challenged until the last class. And it certainly points to why I haven’t been able to figure out what has been holding me back from teaching again. This realization, which happened only a few moments after the class ended, was freeing. Liberating.
So what comes to mind when I think of my own lineage? Given the spaciousness and latitude offered by Susan in the class, I’m thinking about my own lineage in a much broader sense. Instead of lineage as a straight line, from one person to another to another to another, I’m thinking about it more as a dynamic process. All of us are composites of the people and events that have shaped us. We are constantly changing. And while some of the people (teachers) who are important to us now (in a lineage sense) may have been important to us our whole lives, but that might not always be so. All of a sudden, it doesn’t make sense to me to decide what my lineage is and stick to it as if it is static. If anything, a lineage would seem to be fluid, dynamic, and changing and growing along with how we are changing and growing.
The simple answer to the question is – I don’t know yet! 😊 This will take time to unspool. All I know for sure is how grateful I am for the experience of unfolding and releasing that happened during the last class.
Donna, I’m so sorry to hear that your formative years were so difficult. Your personal narrative is difficult to read, and at the same time, incredibly inspiring. That you were able to experience so much in your younger years and still work toward forgiveness of your parents is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
Karen, thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful essay. Your deeply personal words about your experiences were moving and inspirational! And that Eckhart Tolle quote? Powerful.
The Noble Truth of the Cause of Suffering:
Shantideva reminds us that “All the violence, fear and suffering that exists in this world comes from grasping at self….If you do not let the self go, there will be no end to suffering. Just as, if you do not release a flame from your hand, you can’t stop it burning your hand.”
In this past year alone, my mother has experienced a serious illness, my parents are starting to need significantly more support as they age, I was laid off from work and spent months unemployed, one of my best friends passed away, and my brother-in-law’s mental and emotional abuse of my only sister finally led her to cut ties to our parents and me completely. And with that came the loss of the relationships of my two young nieces.
That’s a whole hell of a lot of change for one year! And yet – how much of what I experienced over the past year was the simple suffering of what happened versus how I felt and reacted to that suffering? Layering suffering upon suffering upon suffering? It seems that Shantideva’s wisdom is something I need to re-learn repeatedly.
It’s like when you have a nasty wound and the bandage you’ve used gets integrated into the scabbing that forms as the wound heals. If I think of this analogy as my attachment, some people might say that ripping the bandaid off is the best way to move forward. For me, when I look deeply into my inner landscape to identify the causes of my suffering, it’s most meaningful (and kindest to myself) to start by looking at the edges of the wound where the bandaid might come free a little bit easier. And then slowly and mindfully work my way into the core of the wound, releasing one little bit at a time. It seems that, at least for me, the slow process of recognizing and releasing the attachment is just as important as the release itself.
Perhaps, someday, or most likely in some future life, I’ll be able to release the flame before it even starts burning my hand. In the meantime, the first three lines of the Dhammapada come to mind: “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.”
Reverence. Thank you so much for using this powerful and illustrative word. I struggled a bit with the word devotion when writing this essay. Your interpretation was helpful.
Anne, thank you for sharing your thoughts on the word devotion. I didn’t realize I had negative connotations toward this word until I was writing this essay. Your wise words have helped me dig deeper into why I have such mixed feelings about the word. Thank you!
Hello everyone!
A few thoughts about the article by Dudjom Rinpoche…
Perhaps a very loose definition of the word could be considered for those who do not have a guru. Thinking of “pouring water into water” and “just as the space enclosed by the hands becomes identical to the external space once the hands are parted”, makes me think of oneness. Only our beliefs and perceptions of things create a false separation between how we think of ourselves and others. Or how we think of our own mind versus a guru’s mind.
Instead of thinking that our guru, whoever/whatever that might be, has something we don’t possess that we have to learn, I think “pouring water into water” asks us to consider that the potential of our mind is the same as our guru’s perhaps only with differing levels of awareness and realization. I think a guru could be a spiritual teacher, Buddha, God, or even Mother Nature.
Another thought is that perhaps our guru could be our own Buddha Nature, that which is within us since birth and which is already capable of attaining enlightenment. “Pouring water into water”, in this context, could mean our mind in its current state and the mind of a Buddha are one and the same. And that we already have all we need to become completely aware, we just have to uncover it within ourselves.
In writing this essay, I discovered that I have some negative associations with the word devotion! I think this comes from my growing-up years but bears further noodling. In my own life, I think the word devotion is synonymous with the word commitment. And we can develop devotion/commitment by training our mind.
I’m devoted to/committed to my family and friends, loving myself more fully, and translating the Buddha’s teachings into my thoughts, words, and actions for the benefit of myself and others.
Hello, everyone!
My name is Kimberly Hillebrand, and I’m from Grand Rapids, MI, USA.
For my work, I’ve been engaged in development and fundraising with non-profits for many years. I’m currently serving as a fundraising and communications consultant to a Buddhist community here in Michigan to raise the funds to build a Community Mindfulness Center.
I have been practicing Buddhism (and meditating) since the late 90s. I’m am an ordained Dharma Teacher, have committed to the Bodhisattva Vows, and am an ordained Teaching Monk.
I’m super excited (and grateful) to work with Susan and her team and be in community with all of you!
See you tomorrow!
