Kimberly Allen
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I’m more ready now than I thought was possible as I didn’t sign up for our class to become a meditation teacher. My goal was to deepen my practice and learn more about our form of meditation. I was relieved on our first day that “we are not here to teach anyone anything, but to help to discover something.” I’ve discovered a deeper appreciation for lineage, technique, form, container, etc.
I am still not certain how what I have learned here will develop once we complete class. I am certain that I will continue to discover and perhaps I will be permitted to share the technique with others who wish to experience this “practice of wakefulness”. More shall be revealed, this is something of which I am certain. I am delighted with what I have learned thus far; the exciting and the uncomfortable. Thank you.Ideologically I would love to be able to barter, trade and live a simpler less commercial life. Realistically, at least in my reality living in today’s world, that’s not possible. I’m not willing to make the sacrifices that would be necessary. If it would even be possible. I’m not sure. I often question the system in which we live that does not support wellness and abundance for everyone.
I am not sure if I will or when I will teach meditation for money. My current plan is to continue deepening my practice. I am working on offering the home I own in Michigan as a flexible celebration and retreat space. I envision providing a container to others that wish to share their practices and healing/spiritual professions. I will offer that space for money. I may offer meditation as something I can teach if it is desired by guests. I will see what unfolds where the matter of teaching comes into my life.
I don’t have a problem with money. It is part of life and I believe having a healthy attitude and relationship with money is important. It gives me safety and security. It allows me to share what I have from time to time. I’ve learned that balance is important.
My ideal learning environment involves interacting and understanding over a period of time. I think the interacting part is key. If I could add safe space to ask questions and seek clarification that would add to the experience as well. I learn by doing, but I am not a learn by doing alone unless I have instruction to follow. I think that is why the container concept is so appealing to me. In person learning is my preference as I struggle with insecurities that seem to creep in when I’m home alone. I like to interact with others, and the energy of a group is helpful to me. That said, I prefer that group to be small and the lessons individual. I attended a ten-week leadership training workshop through the county where I started my business. There was a workbook with an outline and weekly lessons, a presenter each week and then time for interaction and discussion. It was just the right balance of interpersonal communication and independent application. I have referred back to that experience quite often over the years.
My less-than-ideal experience(s) are impersonal. I can easily find myself lost in a crowd, so I don’t take to environments where I am simply a number. It’s not that I don’t learn in that type of environment, but what I learn isn’t necessarily the key points on the syllabus. I am motivated, but I am not competitive. The mere thought of highly competitive or strictly rote learning environments makes my stomach knot and my brain freeze. Upon reflection, impersonal environments make me very uncomfortable. I keep coming back to a class in high school. The teacher was unapologetically focused on her very select group of students. I LOVED the subject, but all I remember is embarrassment and this teacher’s lack of care. It was a great example to me of what not to do and after thirty plus years remains an experience I will not knowingly subject myself to ever again.
I am grateful that there have been far more positive environments and opportunities for learning. I think my most valuable lesson was taught to me in a parking lot by my sister. We were headed to a meeting and met at a central location to finish the drive together. This was before GPS and I was adamant that my way was the right way. She looked at me and said something like – Why does it matter? There is more than one way to get there – It was a lightbulb moment for me. YES, there are many ways and mine wasn’t/isn’t the only way, best way, etc. We made it to the meeting. We kept the client until they no longer had the work for us. I have kept the lesson as a reminder, and it has served me well.
My student and teacher experiences have been mostly positive. There are two teachers who come to mind that grew after the classroom experience into life long, cherished mentors. I feel grateful for that positive experience. In these cases, I was a generation or two apart from my teachers and they saw something in me that needed encouragement and guidance. These guides were a gift in my life and I cherish them and the wisdom that they shared with me. I recognize that the affection may be mutual, but the separateness necessary. It is a delicate balance that in these cases was navigated expertly.
On the other hand, I have had teachers who were not positive examples. They stand out to me as good examples of how NOT to be. In these instances their lack of discretion for how they showed up in a classroom or teaching role left a very strong, negative impression on me. Upon reflection, I recognize the importance of the “connected but separate” point. There is a responsibility which I believe shouldn’t be taken lightly. When neglected, the experience for the student can be damaging and hurtful.
In my life over the past two decades, my roles have been mentor and employer. I believe that these two roles hold great responsibility and require a lot of care. This is where I most understand the importance of connectedness but separate. It’s a bit of a dance. The relationships are personal. We are a small team and we work closely together. There is love and respect in the relationships; especially as some of these relationships have grown from years to decades, but we are NOT friends. It can be very lonely because the purpose of the acquaintance is livelihood for those receiving a paycheck and/or professional growth. The team members/employees develop close friendships, but I am not included in those dynamics and I don’t expect to be. It requires careful boundaries and continued practice. I have learned to seek professional development for myself to aid in growing as a mentor and leader. It’s challenging at times, but also very rewarding.
I am drawn to the paramitas, and I feel connected to each and disconnected to each in equal measure. The picture that comes to mind are the waves we so often reference.
Generosity has come easily to me. What can I give? What can I offer? I enjoy giving. I believe in generosity and sharing. I have abundance in my life and I feel deeply that it is meant to be shared. I look for opportunities within obstacles and I believe in finding the benefit in my circumstances for myself, but also so that should the opportunity arise I may share with others. I don’t mean push my opinion and “wisdom” upon anyone, but offer freely when asked or with permission. The abundance of which I am referring isn’t material wealth, but it isn’t material poverty either. I have personally boundaries that I have worked to establish so that I do not give myself away. This balance has been learned and I have not always been successful with it, but as I immerse myself in these teachings (I believe I am at a kindergarten level in some ways.) I experience a calming of the mental gossip and aggression. Generosity… I’ve got this. And, then my habitual patterns show up. I am the oldest of three children. I was the parentified child in a contentious divorce of the 1980’s. I wasn’t really the oldest because my father had a daughter seven years before me. (That became complicated in later life.) I was loved and never felt deprived or wanting, yet.. there is deprivation and wanting in the deep bed of that river. And, the obstacles of generosity present themselves. I am generous, but this is getting hard and I do not want to remain open. I want to close myself and hold tight. This is the opposite of generosity, isn’t it?
Then there is discipline. I am committed. I keep coming back. I am an expert returner. I value discipline and I am drawn to the necessity of practicing discipline every day. I’m not rigid in this, but intentional and consistent. I think this is my most connected paramita, but wait – do I come back quickly enough? I am not equally disciplined. My room is not perfect, my exercise regiment is not as consistent as it “should” be. My work to do list is on par, but my housework to do list – not so much. I keep coming back though. I return.
Patience. I have cultivated patience. I have said yes to living and working situations that this quality is a means for survival. My meditation practice has gifted me the ability to hold space. I joke that I learned to never pray for patience because it in doing so I am guaranteed to be presented with opportunities to practice it. It’s interesting to me to reflect on overcoming other’s destructiveness without adding my own to the mix. I find accepting and recognizing “what is” helps to let go of expectations. And yet again, this paramita to which I feel so connected is tested in me and I add my own aggression. It’s not often in an outward way, but constructive or not I lose patience.
“It means crossing the turbulent river of mental gossip and continuous passion, aggression and ignorance… Paramitas are based on not holding on to your personal territory. When you become a bodhisattva, you are going beyond habitual patterns altogether.” Chögyam Trungpa: The Bodhisattva Path of Wisdom and Compassion.
I am drawn to each of the paramitas. I believe in human decency and I want to be part of the solutions for a better humanity without adding to the problems in the world. I feel confident in these qualities, and then the turbulent river of my mind gets in the way and challenges me. Will I ever get beyond my habitual patterns? Will I succumb to the mental gossip and continuous passion, aggression and ignorance that tries to creep into that space I so desperately try to hold? I again am left with more questions than answers, but also feel a profound sense of gratitude for having found or been lead to these teachings. I am also grateful for the opportunity to share these thoughts. This feels like the boat and I am not crossing alone but with my spiritual captain and friends.
I’ve been sitting with this essay for a week and I’m still at the last minute struggling to answer these simple questions.
I was very nervous about offering instruction. I was extremely grateful for my partner’s willingness to go first. I realized as she began that I could do this. My fear which has a tendency to creep in and threaten paralysis was immediately quieted. It is a moment I will never forget. All of the negative commentary – you’re not articulate enough, you’re not good at speaking in a group, you’re never, you can’t… blah, blah, blah…. went away. Poof. In place of that negative commentary was encouragement. Listen to my partner, follow the instructions, breathe. I listened and I realized, I can do this! When it’s my turn I can lean into the technique, share the instruction and breathe. No one is judging anyone in this space. I’m not judging my partner. I’m sure she’s not going to sit there judging me. We’re in our own experience. Breathing.I was happy with this revelation. I will continue to read the material, practice the practice, learn the technique and do my best. I will do this with an open heart. Sometimes I will feel vulnerable and the internal imposter speak may arise, but I will remember. And, this memory will be of benefit to me and to those with whom I am fortunate to share this wonderful practice.
I have so enjoyed the essays and everyone’s discussion on lineage. I am truly enjoying the lessons and the experience that this training is revealing to me. It’s interesting to see the points from our first class regarding discovery unfold as we continue through the workbook and the essays.
I am a second generation American on my father’s side, and I have always felt connected to this family line of people who truly worked, strived and sacrificed. My great grandparents left a war torn country to find a better life for their children – both of my grandparents came here on ships through Ellis Island in the early 1900’s. They were young children. I can only imagine what it was like at 8 or 10 years old traveling across the Atlantic with their mothers and siblings. I don’t know very much about how they met, but I do know that life was hard. I remember a few great aunts and a couple of uncles. There was a bond between them and a language that I couldn’t understand. There was love and joy for me as a child in this family. I am so profoundly grateful to come from these people. I do not take for granted the life I have as a result of decisions made in a far away place, two generations ago. From the timeline of Buddhist teaching, this is not a very long time. Yet, what I think of is the respect for those who came before. And, to me the importance of honoring their legacy.
Lineage does not equal perfect harmony or superior character. I don’t know if there was scandal or unfavorable choices made in my family line. I know there was sacrifice, vision and perseverance. I imagine these things are part of the human story. It is a fascinating and multi-faceted subject to consider.
The responses to this question are fascinating and so very personal. I have had very personal experiences with both eternalism and nihilism.
I am a cradle Catholic and my earliest influences were my grandmothers; most specifically my father’s mother. She was a loving and very devout woman. As a little girl we would go to mass each Sunday with her lady friends followed by lunch and an afternoon spent playing cards. At night we would pray and she would tell me stories about my grandfather and other close family members in heaven. She was a child immigrant that came over to America through Ellis Island in the early 1900’s. She had a deep faith and I adored her. I never knew my grandfather her husband, but she assured me that we would meet one day in heaven. I remember lying next to her staring at the ceiling and pondering this wonderful place.
We moved away when I was five and that time spent living next door to my grandma was priceless to me. The memories are the favorite time of my childhood. I think it was my entire childhood because soon after we moved away, my parents’ marriage became clearly irreparable and our home a battle zone. I attended catechism for a while, but eventually that went by the wayside as my parent’s couldn’t keep it together. I ultimately became the parentified child and my faith became a sanctuary. As a young adult I pursued the continuation of my sacraments – the big 7 in Catholicism – and I became a seeker. I’ve never considered myself religious, but I have a deep spiritual curiosity and there is a part of me that identifies with the traditions and rituals of being Catholic. The problem is the man made teachings and the current climate have turned me away from the church and the hypocrisy.
It’s complicated seems to be most accurate because I married an athiest from a very wonderful Catholic family. He was and is a nonbeliever, a scientist and was never in our relationship “going to see the light” although I prayed and prayed and prayed! I chose him because a bible waving Christian that didn’t practice living with integrity, acceptance, love and values was scarier to me than a man that was very direct in his views but also unwaveringly solid in matters of integrity, social responsibility and the values of being a good human. I know so many nonbelievers that are amazing humans and so many believers that are just not. That may be very judgey, but for some strange reason or not it felt safe to me. Perhaps my denial was a more accurate description of reality, but he played along and allowed me to marry in the church where his parents were wed, and baptise our daughter into the faith.
When my kiddo was four years old, we attended the wedding of a dear friend. He and his bride were married in a Buddhist ceremony at a Zen monastery in upstate New York. It was a wonderful experience. My friends’ reception was in a charming B&B close by. During the reception I came upon the groom chatting with his VERY NY Italian catholic family. They were asking all sorts of questions about this Buddhism business and I remember that he seemed so light and free as he fielded questions from his loved ones. I remember saying to him – what about God? – He responded – what about God? Later I received a book in the mail – Zen Spirit Christian Spirit – The place of Zen in Christian Life by Robert E. Kennedy I was extremely enthralled with this book. He talked about an opening and the path…My memory of this experience is one of spaciousness.
Years later I stumbled upon the Open Heart Project. The way Susan Piver spoke about things spoke to me. It was even more spacious. I started believing that Jesus/Catholicism/Christianity/World Religion gave us rules and the Buddha gave us tools. Tools for navigating the messy middle. Technique for showing up in a more authentic and accountable way.
What I am learning today is that perhaps my tool analogy is incorrect in the context in which we are learning about The Middle Way.
I understand that we are not here to fix anything. I have less answers than I have ever had about any “isms”. What I do have is a practice, a technique and much more to learn.
What does it mean to support discovery? What are the primary tools? I have thought about this quite a bit since class on Saturday. The world we live in has become so very chaotic and undisciplined. It seems to me that basic principles have been replaced by culturally perpetuated personality disorders, poor communication tools, ignorance and bad behavior. I often think that we could all respectfully coexist if we could find a common thread upon which to focus. I believe the posture that we take in our practice – sitting tall, back straight on the floor or in a chair, our hands resting lightly just above our knees, mouth closed with teeth slightly parted, eye softened attention on the breath is the beginning of discovery. The simplicity of it and the complexity of this ancient practice calls to me. It is the golden thread that could teach us all how to co-exist. The container we create as individuals and as a community is magical. It is personal and intimate. The practice of listening and following the instruction gives us structure and boundaries in which we are safe to explore and yet we are sitting and breathing. Staying with the technique, following the instruction -staying within the container. I think these are primary tools. This framework supports principles of the practice over individual personality or ego. I find it freeing and thought provoking. We follow the same technique yet our experiences are different. We become each other’s teachers. Sitting, breathing and looking softly at what is. Letting go and returning to the breath.
Hello. My name is Kimberly. I live in Haslett, Michigan. I’m a longish time member of the Open Heart Project although I have been more quiet than interactive. I have often considered participating in this training only to let fear get in the way. This time when the opportunity appeared I told fear to leave me alone. Here I am saying yes through the fear. I attended a retreat with Susan back in 2021. It was transformative. I’m very grateful and happy to be part of this experience!