Kat
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Thanks, Stina~ I appreciate your teaching nuggets. I especailly loved and have expereienced the truth of the fact that we will learn so much from the students. I have felt that in parenting, and in all the classes I have taught: the students are a blessing to me and help me to grow so much! I also really liked your nugget about the nerves/fear not going away being a feature of the teacher’s caring. I think that’s true – my nervousness always calls me to be ready, to bring my best, and to clarify to myself my intentions for the class.
Thank you, Colin – I really appreciated your essay, especially the part where you talk about your clear intentions as a teacher. Your works made me realize that your intentions are the heart of the matter.
Do I feel ready to offer one-to-one instruction in meditation?
Hmmmm….
Yes – I can give the instructions we’ve practiced to another, and I have reviewed the FAQs, so I feel mostly ready to transmit what I have received from this class.
No – There’s a part of me that wants to be perfect before I take such a step, and…I’ll never get there.
Maybe – if I can just be another human, acknowledging to myself that I know only a little. If I can be willing to be vulnerable and imperfect, in order to be helpful to another and pass on what was given to me. If I can be on my own journey of self-discovery, while I offer instruction to someone else who is on theirs. If I am allowed to make mistakes and learn. If I am able to stay true to keeping it simple, while at the same time extending my personal warmth…. then maybe I could…Love it, Dawa – Thank you for sharing this. I felt the strength and power of what you have learned in your life about money – especially with regards to women. I also felt the creativity and compassion you found in your tiered payment system. I especially loved what I felt was your fierce independence and insistence on creating things the way you want them to be: Awesome!
All the meditation teachers I’ve had have been free, and asking only for donation. I am ok with that, because I’ve seen that model for a long time. It can be good because it allows a lot of new people to come in at any time and try out meditation with a smaller initial investment.
I’ve always thought that money and spirituality don’t mix. However, when I look deeply at that thought, I realize I’m not sure that thought is really true for me.
What is money? It’s a kind of appreciation. If I appreciate someone’s teaching, and I want to share in the time and teaching that they are offering, I am willing to pay. When I value something, I believe the money will be available for me to give it.
It has always been harder for me to receive money and ask for the check, than to give the money. Since I was young, I have had a lot of practice in finding the courage to ask for the money, even though it has sometimes felt like pulling off an arm. There’s a “worthiness hurdle” that I have to overcome, but, in business, I’ve learned it’s not really about me and my worth. It’s simply about asking and allowing, and I can do that.
I like what Susan was saying in class today about the Ground, the Path and the Fruition all being about a gentleness that is allowing. I like that because I want to make a space inside where I can allow the mystery of my Spirit to reveal itself to me, allow the joy of community to unfold in my experience, and allow money to be a friendly support that is part of all that good stuff arising.
My parents valued education very highly and they taught me that what I learned from any situation was mostly about what I brought to it.
My ideal learning environment is one where I can feel the warmth, magic, and clarity. In order to feel it, I also know I have to bring it. I have felt this feeling in most of my learning environments- I consider all of life to be a learning environment. My favorite places of learning and feeling the warmth, magic and clarity have been at Grateful Dead concerts, where I learned how to let music move my heart, body and mind, and I felt the sparkling kindness and love of the community of Dead Heads. I loved that magical experience so much, I try to carry it into all areas of my life.
Often when I am tired, stressed out, or feeling hopeless, I struggle to feel that warmth, magic and clarity of an ideal learning environment anywhere. The reason I joined this class was because I was struggling with the loss of American democracy, feeling frustrated and angry and lost. When I started really searching to expand my spiritual life again and grow spiritually, I found Susan Piver’s podcast, and the first one I listened to was on the Enneagram. I immediately started reading her book about it, and suddenly I was in the magic again. When this class started though, I found myself wanting to get an A in the class, wanting to be a perfect performer, knowing that I wanted more than that and also struggling with my own rebellion to everything in the class and the world at large. For me I know that it’s my own mind that creates the least ideal learning environment, so I work with myself until I find the breakthrough. Although I usually do find a breakthrough, the one thing that cuts me off from the process is when I feel I am being controlled. Without the freedom and spaciousness to try and find my way, I will have to step out (or just pretend long enough that it is over). I am grateful that our class is one where I did find the freedom and spaciousness to work with myself, because I now deeply feel that warmth, magic and clarity again: feels so good.
Wow! I loved your essay. Thank you for sharing a tiny bit of the inner workings of a therapist with me. I’m not sure why your essay feels so important, but I’ve read a lot of therapist memoirs over the past year, and I feel that the work that therapists do is important in spiritual transformation. I am so grateful to hear your very good internal question about who benefits from disclosure: it sounds so clear and sane. Thank you.
Beautiful essay. It sounds like you have intuitively found how to achieve the walk on this narrow bridge of connection and separation. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Remaining connected but separate is sometimes referred to in part of my world as “detach with love”. When I detach with love, I am not disconnecting. I am remaining connected and remembering that I end at the end of my nose. When I remember where I end and the other person begins, I have clarified my boundary and whose stuff I am responsible for: only my own. I have been practicing this for a while now, and I have to keep practicing it.
Here’s an anecdote about a teacher I found to be too remote: I used to be a member of sangha for many years. We regularly went on meditation retreats together, and it was both challenging and wonderful. I am usually self-sufficient, but one time during a retreat, I encountered a tsunami of emotions. During the non-silent periods of the retreat I asked for help, and it was ultimately suggested that I ask the senior teacher for her help. I asked if I could schedule some time with her and she offered me a time, and I met with her and shared a bit about what was bothering me and how I was feeling. She said nothing to me – she stayed absolutely silent. She looked angry or disgusted, but I’m not sure whether I was reading her affect correctly. Even if she had nothing to say to me , I would have appreciated a confirmation that she had heard me, or even a small gesture, such as a hand on my shoulder, to let me know she was there with me. To be honest, even though she was usually a warm person, her cold response to my emotional experience left me feeling like I was not good enough to be part of the sangha, and within a few months I bowed out of that sangha.
Here’s an anecdote about a teacher with whom I became too friendly: I had a teacher whose wise support and guidance had helped me so much, and I really loved her. I invited her on a trip with a large group of people sharing a beach house, and she came along. I loved having her there: she was a blessing to me. During that trip, she met and started dating my boyfriend’s friend, who was awful. He started sharing terrible details about this wonderful lady with my boyfriend, and the whole relationship got tangled up. My relationship with her started feeling too enmeshed. I ended the relationship with my great teacher, whose wise counsel still supports me to this day! It was a great loss. I ended the relationships with my boyfriend and his friend, too. I wish I had not invited her on that trip, and I learned that when objectivity is lost to over-familiarity, you can lose a great blessing that need to stay solidly in its correct space.
Wow! Thank you, Colin. I appreciated your deep looking at generosity and its patterns in your life. When I read your essay, I felt a deep warmth come into my chest and torso. I’m not sure what that feeling meant, but I just loved how your essay made me feel.
Thank you, Melanie, for sharing your value with patience and peace-keeping. I am learning this one, and it is good to hear what the thinking is behind this practice . I loved your curiosity and appreciation about what is driving other people, and I loved that you are slow to be agitated. It sounds so peaceful, and that’s what I am working on bringing into my life. I really appreciate hearing from a PEACE subject matter expert: Thank You!
Dear Rosie ~ I loved your description of your connection with generosity! Wow – I feel like I was given a key to the kingdom by your description of your generous life: giving is a creation. I appreciate that so much. I sometimes feel deeply generous, and I’ve learned to honor myself when I don’t feel right about giving. I think that’s okay, but when I’m feeling tight/afraid/ungenerous, I love the idea that I can open up in that place by going against my instincts (as long as I don’t create a resentment) and choosing to create abundance by giving a little something away! Love takes love, energy takes energy. I’m not sure my reply is making sense to you, but I know the feeling that reading your essay gave me, and I deeply appreciate it. Thank you!
Ha! I want to avoid this one, but I feel i have to own the fact that my least favorite paramita is the paramita of Patience. I’ve worked on myself and learned so much about how to “stay with what is unfolding”. Most of the time now, I can rest while waiting in lines and remain at peace when things go differently than I expected. But one of the reasons I took this Meditation Teacher class was to deepen my meditation practice during a time of political crisis in my country.
When I feel passionate about something—like Constitutional democracy, a government for the people and by the people, transparency and accountability, and the rule of law—my instinct is to take impulsive action and FIGHT like hell. However, I’ve seen how that plays out in my life in so many ways. I know that adding gasoline to the fire only creates a bigger blaze, when what I truly want are the quenching, cooling waters that bring peace, well-being, and sanity.
It isn’t easy for me, but it is exciting to actively channel my SAVAGE RAGE over this political situation into PEACEFUL sitting, walking, eating breakfast, driving my car—doing everything—for PEACE instead. All through my day, I am practicing weaving a peaceful thread, an active intention for a harmonious world where we live together well despite our differences. I have a very hard time accepting and “staying with” what is unfolding in my country, but I’m doing it—in peace.
My favorite paramita is the Prajna Paramita—wisdom. Ha, ha! Not because I possess great wisdom—I don’t! It’s my favorite because I long for it and I LOVE it. I was first introduced to the chant (excuse my spelling – i haven’t seen it written) “gate, gate, paragate, parasam gate, bodhi svaha” when I was in college, and I never forgot it. I have experienced the sudden intercession of wisdom entering my mind many times. I don’t know why or how it works, but I love it when it happens. I have received spiritual insights out of the blue that have changed my life forever. I have become aware of a vast source of wisdom that I have learned to trust and rely on when it offers something to me. I know this wisdom comes from somewhere beyond my logical mind. It comes from beyond anything I know or can even describe—but it is real, and I feel deeply fulfilled knowing it is there.
Thanks, Melanie, for your honesty about self-judgment. I didn’t feel that about the teaching, but i’ve been feeling self-judgmental about my essays. Ha! Everyone has been so nice, but…yeah, it’s all inside me. Just remembering to let go, be my authentic self, and let that be enough.