Djuna Penn
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Lauren, I’ve been turning over the idea of containers and how to establish them throughout the course. Your example of values, mission and commitment as a way to create a container really helps me to see a way to do that. And I just realized a time when I did do that intuitively, I just never thought of it that way when I look back on the memory.
I struggle with keeping that balance between too close and too distant, especially in my professional role as a leadership coach. Partly I chalk that up to being an Enneagram 4: 1×1 connection is my jam. Definitely your question around who benefits from something I’m thinking of sharing could help me make better decisions around self-disclosure.
Hi everyone, Susan talks about the 4 karmas and their maras in her podcast “Buddhism Beyond Belief”, recorded January 16 (episode 40).
The paramita of generosity is a big focus for me, and has been for much of my life. Looking back I can see it as a basis for many of my decisions.
But it’s been complicated to apply in my life. I realize how sometimes I’ve over-helped others without paying attention to my own limits and needs. And that’s sometimes led to exhaustion and resentment. Or I’ve helped and given as a form of bypassing, to make myself feel more comfortable, or to assuage my own feelings of insecurity.
These days I practice the generosity of listening. I think it lets people know they matter, and it lets a bit of the air out of the self-centredness I sometimes (often? 😬) feel. It’s especially helpful when I’m feeling impatient, which could be the paramita I feel least connected to.
I’ve noticed that when I focus only on what I need, any obstacle can challenge my patience. When I remember, I try the just like me practice: Just like me, this person wants to be happy. Just like me, this person wants to feel loved and respected. And just like me, this person is confused and struggling. It helps me stay a little more open-hearted towards everyone in the situation, including myself.
Oh boy I can so relate to your thoughts around being more ambitious for another person than they are for themselves! A dear friend just rekindled a relationship that had ended several years ago, and which I’ve always thought was unhealthy in many ways. And after the shock wore off, I realized that I’ve been imagining her having developed through therapy past the issues that originally drew her into this relationship. Looking back over my journals, I was surprised to see that I’ve exhausted myself several times worrying about her and trying to persuade her to move in a direction that I thought would bring less suffering for her. And would help me suffer less too! Talk about over-helping leading to resentment! Not the kind of friend I want to be, that’s for sure ☺️
I’ve been puzzled by how hard it can be for me to hold on to more than a couple of points from a teaching. I think Susan has called that ‘self-erasing’. Thinking of this as the unchanging freshness of the teachings makes it another kind of dharma magic!
The Paramita of exertion is one I really struggle with. Stina, I’m inspired by your way of persisting by finding small moments of joy in the midst of the struggles. It’s a great way to reorient my habit of finding small moments of ‘this sucks’ in something difficult.
I love the poetic beauty of this essay. Thanks Jersey. The thought of Wilde’s tombstone covered in kisses gives me a big smile 💋
Ho Jo, I agree with you and Clif, naming and claiming the harmful parts of our lineage is so important. My great-grandfather travelled west from very close to where I live now. He arrived in Alberta to buy a small plot of fertile prairie for his family to ‘settle’. Indigenous families had stewarded and farmed this same land for centuries, before the provincial government stole it, forcibly removed them, and then handed the land to my great-grandfather. Much of my family grew up on this farm or in surrounding small towns, rarely acknowledging the many original families living on the small reserve not far down the highway.
Clif, thank you so much for talking about your Queer lineage. That ‘audacious choice’ called a resounding ‘YES’ from my own spirit. Queer and Genderqueer folk are also my people. And our courage and resilience and daring and beauty has helped us survive and thrive over 1,000s of years, from being revered to reviled. May all beings realize and dwell in the wellness of their own being, including the vast rainbow of gender and sexuality.
When I first think of lineage, I think of yoga, Tai Chi, and Buddhist Dharma. This is because I’ve had the incredibly great fortune to encounter and in a small way practice within these ancient wisdom traditions. And each one has touched my life in pivotal ways.
It’s my understanding that for much of the time since they were first established, most people on the planet couldn’t access these bodies of knowledge or even know they existed.
Thankfully, there have always been individuals, groups, and whole societies studying, practicing, and refining these wisdom teachings. I think of these people as a lineage within their tradition: the countless beings who struggled and sacrificed to be able to study and practice. And my heart sings when I imagine each person carefully considering whether and how to share the precious knowledge they had discovered for themselves. Over thousands of years, hand by hand, they passed along this treasure, until I had a chance to join that lineage. Such unimaginably good fortune! Such indescribably wholesome karma! Such deep, deep, gratitude!
I also think of my ancestors and their grit, courage, and steadfastness to create better lives for their families. The insane, impossible hopes of my paternal great-grandparents, who sent all their children away to save them from war and authoritarianism in Romania. And the courage of their 10-year-old son (and my grandfather) landing alone in Montreal and never finding the Romanian contact who had agreed to meet him. But on overhearing a conversation he understood, he walked up to a group of men and asked for help. He passed 94 years later, leaving a legacy of patience, gentleness, and understanding for all of us.
Hi Kat, I practice Chen-style Taijiquan, and I also feel strongly how important respect and loyalty for the teachers who taught and refined the practice for generations since 1400. Side note, my local teacher lived with Grand Master Chen-Xiaowang for several years in China, and his son, Chen-Yingjun is coming to our school in May to offer a 4-day workshop. Excitement is building!
Oh Ankur, your analogy of the string of pearls so resonated with me. Not only the connection to those who came before me, but the powerful example of each lineage member, encountering their obstacles and slowly working with them until they emerged as the precious beautiful gifts they always were.
Melanie, thanks for bringing your young self to your shrine. I’ve done a lot of reflection on my childhood, and the child that I was. I’ve fallen in love with her, and I’m inspired to add one of her photos to my shrine. I think in a way because I was so young, I had a stronger connection to the divine universe, and the many forces that would shape me in later years hadn’t had much chance to make me forget my Buddhanature.
I grew up in a religiously neutral family. My mother always said we could choose our faith when we were 18 or older, and that she wasn’t going to push my brother and I in any specific direction. She was suspicious of all religions, I think. Despite that (or because of it?), I was always curious about religion and spirituality; asking difficult questions like who created God? At that point, eternalism was the only religious model I knew about, so my questions were always based on a Christian idea of the world.
But as I got older, especially in my teens and 20’s, I was very rebellious and skeptical of any person, system, or organization that society held up as ‘an authority’. And learning about heterosexism, misogyny, and colonial history added a lot of fire and contempt to my views of religious organizations and their rules.
But even though at that point in my life I toyed with nihilistic ideas, they brought up sadness and feelings of defeat. But I haven’t abandoned nihililism altogether – I still love all types of science, and I believe in the scientific method. But I don’t buy any claims about complete objectivity, because the sciences are also subject to unexplainable forces, like human bias and the placebo effect.
I’m very comfortable with the agnostic idea that we simply can’t know everything. And I still believe in the mysteries of existence – dreams, intuition, synchronicity, and déjà vu. It helps me stay open to possibilities and steer more towards a beginner’s mind, especially when my ego’s false sense of security bubbles up. Leaving room for mystery and the unknowable also fuels my sense of hope and curiosity.