Djuna Penn
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I struggle with keeping that balance between too close and too distant, especially in my professional role as a leadership coach. Partly I chalk that up to being an Enneagram 4: 1×1 connection is my jam. Definitely your question around who benefits from something I’m thinking of sharing could help me make better decisions around self-disclosure.
Hi everyone, Susan talks about the 4 karmas and their maras in her podcast “Buddhism Beyond Belief”, recorded January 16 (episode 40).
The paramita of generosity is a big focus for me, and has been for much of my life. Looking back I can see it as a basis for many of my decisions.
But it’s been complicated to apply in my life. I realize how sometimes I’ve over-helped others without paying attention to my own limits and needs. And that’s sometimes led to exhaustion and resentment. Or I’ve helped and given as a form of bypassing, to make myself feel more comfortable, or to assuage my own feelings of insecurity.
These days I practice the generosity of listening. I think it lets people know they matter, and it lets a bit of the air out of the self-centredness I sometimes (often? 😬) feel. It’s especially helpful when I’m feeling impatient, which could be the paramita I feel least connected to.
I’ve noticed that when I focus only on what I need, any obstacle can challenge my patience. When I remember, I try the just like me practice: Just like me, this person wants to be happy. Just like me, this person wants to feel loved and respected. And just like me, this person is confused and struggling. It helps me stay a little more open-hearted towards everyone in the situation, including myself.
Oh boy I can so relate to your thoughts around being more ambitious for another person than they are for themselves! A dear friend just rekindled a relationship that had ended several years ago, and which I’ve always thought was unhealthy in many ways. And after the shock wore off, I realized that I’ve been imagining her having developed through therapy past the issues that originally drew her into this relationship. Looking back over my journals, I was surprised to see that I’ve exhausted myself several times worrying about her and trying to persuade her to move in a direction that I thought would bring less suffering for her. And would help me suffer less too! Talk about over-helping leading to resentment! Not the kind of friend I want to be, that’s for sure ☺️
I’ve been puzzled by how hard it can be for me to hold on to more than a couple of points from a teaching. I think Susan has called that ‘self-erasing’. Thinking of this as the unchanging freshness of the teachings makes it another kind of dharma magic!
The Paramita of exertion is one I really struggle with. Stina, I’m inspired by your way of persisting by finding small moments of joy in the midst of the struggles. It’s a great way to reorient my habit of finding small moments of ‘this sucks’ in something difficult.
In the last week or so, I’d been feeling doubts about whether I could actually teach meditation to others. I’ve been sharing in a few conversations that I’m training to be a meditation teacher, and I’ve noticed that people’s responses are either “that’s super cool, what’s that like?” or “……{insert blank or vaguely nervous face here}… Oh ya. So anyway, have you guys got any travel planned this year?”
And so I’ve also been wondering (and a little uncertain) about how I’m going to actually make learning to meditate attractive. And then I remember that my role is to focus on each practitioner’s needs, and to trust in the technique.
I did feel some butterflies during my first time instructing last Saturday. I got a bit lost on how much detail to give. But after we got back together to chat about how it went, I realized that I need to get clear on the most important things I want to say, and to work out a couple of ways to remind myself to sense how the student’s experience is going. And I don’t remember who thought of it, but what a great idea to practice giving instructions to myself when I’m meditating on my own, that’s a keeper.
Hi Vy, I love the idea of sending friendly and supportive energy to Colin. I can see how that would help bring me out of my nervousness about how I’m doing, and invite my awareness to move to where I’d rather it be, on the student’s experience. I’m inspired by your focus on surrendering and trusting. I’ll be doing the same whenever I can remember!
hi Andrew, as your partner, I didn’t feel a sense of something being Left out in your instructions. As with all experiences where one person is ‘leading’, I believe you really have to start where the practitioner is in that moment. I feel comfortable with the technique, and I felt your introduction was complete in itself.
Gauging how to open the meditation can be informed by the other person’s history with the technique, if you know it. But whether we know the person’s meditation history or not, a gut sense of where the practitioner is at right now has to integrate into that decision. I love your idea of leaving space in the instructions to let experienced meditators dance.
I love the poetic beauty of this essay. Thanks Jersey. The thought of Wilde’s tombstone covered in kisses gives me a big smile 💋
Ho Jo, I agree with you and Clif, naming and claiming the harmful parts of our lineage is so important. My great-grandfather travelled west from very close to where I live now. He arrived in Alberta to buy a small plot of fertile prairie for his family to ‘settle’. Indigenous families had stewarded and farmed this same land for centuries, before the provincial government stole it, forcibly removed them, and then handed the land to my great-grandfather. Much of my family grew up on this farm or in surrounding small towns, rarely acknowledging the many original families living on the small reserve not far down the highway.
Clif, thank you so much for talking about your Queer lineage. That ‘audacious choice’ called a resounding ‘YES’ from my own spirit. Queer and Genderqueer folk are also my people. And our courage and resilience and daring and beauty has helped us survive and thrive over 1,000s of years, from being revered to reviled. May all beings realize and dwell in the wellness of their own being, including the vast rainbow of gender and sexuality.
When I first think of lineage, I think of yoga, Tai Chi, and Buddhist Dharma. This is because I’ve had the incredibly great fortune to encounter and in a small way practice within these ancient wisdom traditions. And each one has touched my life in pivotal ways.
It’s my understanding that for much of the time since they were first established, most people on the planet couldn’t access these bodies of knowledge or even know they existed.
Thankfully, there have always been individuals, groups, and whole societies studying, practicing, and refining these wisdom teachings. I think of these people as a lineage within their tradition: the countless beings who struggled and sacrificed to be able to study and practice. And my heart sings when I imagine each person carefully considering whether and how to share the precious knowledge they had discovered for themselves. Over thousands of years, hand by hand, they passed along this treasure, until I had a chance to join that lineage. Such unimaginably good fortune! Such indescribably wholesome karma! Such deep, deep, gratitude!
I also think of my ancestors and their grit, courage, and steadfastness to create better lives for their families. The insane, impossible hopes of my paternal great-grandparents, who sent all their children away to save them from war and authoritarianism in Romania. And the courage of their 10-year-old son (and my grandfather) landing alone in Montreal and never finding the Romanian contact who had agreed to meet him. But on overhearing a conversation he understood, he walked up to a group of men and asked for help. He passed 94 years later, leaving a legacy of patience, gentleness, and understanding for all of us.
Hi Kat, I practice Chen-style Taijiquan, and I also feel strongly how important respect and loyalty for the teachers who taught and refined the practice for generations since 1400. Side note, my local teacher lived with Grand Master Chen-Xiaowang for several years in China, and his son, Chen-Yingjun is coming to our school in May to offer a 4-day workshop. Excitement is building!