Joell Daniel
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I immediately identified with padma. I have started a new position at a new place. This is a much more structured environment with pedigreed employees than my 28 year position at my previous employer. I am a 28 year veteran in my industry and prior to that lived in my car, was a sick patient and initially, in 1996 begged to be hired. I had a desire to protect others from being taken advantage of as I felt I was. I like to blame that history on my constant need for approval, or perhaps my upbringing in a competitive family of 5 girls, but the truth is, it almost feels like this need comes from fear. That is the situation in which I stop listening, caring, and lose my ability to be present. I love to be the magnet that helps make connections in many ways.
Lately, my practice chant that includes the Great Clouds of Blessings, is being said with grasping. I recognize this. This is a chant that continues to resonate with me and evolve for me almost as much as the heart sutra.
I often say, going the struggle of a lifetime, only to find the next situation, something I consider more challenging. During our IRL class time, I had my breast implants that were put in when I had breast cancer removed and the doctor did some fat transfer. I woke up from that surgery paralyzed from the left hip down. I was bed/wheelchair bound for about 5 days, then finally got some feeling back down to my knee. I was able to hobble around with a cane. Unfortunately, the situation I was told was temporary may not be so. The damaged nerve may/maynot be repairing and I have also developed compartmentalized regional pain syndrome. I am resorting to heavy pain and nerve meds that are certainly not my desire but I take them hoping they will help me get through a day. Each day when I get to the chant, I feel comforted, if only for a brief moment, that I am asking for help and it is coming.
My current concern is something physical that is a scary negative result of a surgery I had. I feel like so much in my life is a result of my bad choices. The last week has given me a plethora of examples and all seem a direct result of my failings. Certainly as I look at them as neither good nor bad but just as is, I can find some comfort. I vassilate between anger at myself for the poor choices and being extremely hard on myself to acceptance to what is. When I let go of the anger about the outcomes, I seem to lose my attachment to what has happened.
I am Joell from MN but live in FL. I am fortunate enough to be going through amazing transitions in most areas of my life all at once. I have so much ahead of me. I want to learn more about buddhism to make me aware of opportunities where I could have responded to people and situations differently. I want to learn to “take my seat”. In a short time, meditation and the little studying of buddhism, I have been transformed so that my insides often feeling very different than before. I feel most grateful for Susan Piver and I invite her into my meditation in the morning and thank her after. I hear her.