Jersey

[Jersey]

Hi Kimberly,
I smiled so big when I read that part about your sister! I actually often miss pre-GPS driving, just for moments like the one you describe. When you or two people are figuring out how to be and how to go somewhere together. I also appreciate your reflection that impersonal learning spaces aren’t always supportive–when I’ve enjoyed those spaces, it’s been because I want to hide and I appreciate the invitation to reflect on spaces where I can both participate and feel seen.

[Jersey]

Hi Jodi,
I loved reading these reflections of best and less than ideal experience back-to-back as I can really feel the growth and depth of understanding of someone who has committed themselves to a life of practice and growth. I completely empathize with wanting to charge the whole spiritual experience at get to where you’re called to get immediately, and then getting the realization that the people there are human beings and flawed and complicated, etc. I also like the way you reminded me that after a retreat, I get to make my own relationship to new practices by making them a part of my life. When I don’t do that, I really end up romanticizing retreat space as the “only place” where that type of growth and attention is possible.

[Jersey]

My less than ideal learning experience is trying to rigidly achieve a perfect experience at any given moment.

It’s only in recent years that I have understood that I am attending (even when speaking) at a conference to both be of benefit and also to receive benefit. I used to take a work conference schedule as Biblical and show up to EVERYTHING, even when it meant that I was not showing up as my best self (irritated, impatient, hungry).

Ideal Experience: Last year in Seattle, I chose a few sessions to attend at a work conference, gave my presentation, and spent the rest of my time either a) at the aquarium or b) eating the best apples that I have ever had and reading something non-conference related. I work at the intersection of storytelling and public health, so these conference spaces can be very trauma-intensive. I am more aware, now, of my threshold for intake including: just because I *can* take that in, doesn’t mean I have to.

I look back at that Seattle conference with so much fondness. I was very attentive at what I attended, and I enjoyed the in-between spaces immensely. That experience has actually inspired me in my day-to-day life in NYC as I began to want to feel the way I did just taking a break with an apple and a book. I love to read about Quantum Physics and as someone who approaches that topic without any training or background I got a great tip right in the beginning: I will never understand everything, so I don’t have to try. I can pay attention to what feels fascinating, curious, flag things I need more information about, and try to enjoy the experience in the best way I can. The same can be true for other learning environments. It’s impossible to achieve mastery–maybe ever–but especially with fraying or triggered attention. So I’d rather have a better quality experience than a tick-every-box experience.

[Jersey]

I’m really grateful for these reflections and an overall reflection is the times I have both offered and been the recipient of a “free” service that didn’t turn out to be free. If a person offers that, but actually has a an unnamed need around their time or finances, it can create tension and even resentment. I have also offered to “help” with a task when I didn’t really have the time to do that and it creates the same tension. Or, I wasn’t able to prioritize volunteer work and so I didn’t give it my best effort. All that said, I think the question of: what helps me to show up as my best and offer my best feels like good ground to start the value conversation with myself in any arena.

[Jersey]

Clif, thank you for the gold dust story, thank you for this nuance in the discussion around money/value/and spirit. I think the conversation around spiritual value and care is a fascinating one, and something in your essay reminded me to have that conversation with myself, as well. To get really clear in what I’m able to give and what I need to receive (from myself, from my finances, etc) before I set value to any offerings. Thank you

[Jersey]

Hi Sandie,
I related to your essay, here, on so many levels. Thank you so much for writing it and for helping me both nuance and connect my thinking of how my historic, relational, and professional experiences with money and being valued come into play whenever I am setting price/value on anything in my life. I really, really love your grandma’s advice and will keep it with me.
Thank you <3

[Jersey]

At Week 9, I am noticing that learning how to teach this practice has made me take a look at the space I am and have been willing to take up as a teacher and facilitator, which feels connected to my readiness. I have worked very consciously to acknowledge the space I take up in a room–not just as a super tall person!–but this class has helped me see that I may have overshot the mark of that. When I receive instruction during class, I am inspired by the confidence of the teacher. If she believes it, I believe that. That has been true for me across many different learning settings. Recently, I reluctantly went to a puppet making workshop with my partner and I was so moved by the instructor’s authenticity I was asking about prolonged study options…but I haven’t thought much about ways I can reflect my confidence in the subject matter I am teaching/facilitating. The connection to something greater, the invoking of lineage, the community of inquiry and practice has invited me to develop confidence, which I know is something that builds more AFTER we try the thing we’re scared of! This may have been a long way of saying “let’s do this.”

[Jersey]

Thanks for the work you do, Mike. That’s really inspiring and I admire your willingness to bring a perspective of ease to people living within the carceral system. That’s also a great idea to ask a local studio if you can add a class–I might pursue that idea in my community 🙂

[Jersey]

Hi Stina,
Deeply appreciate your perspective on trusting yourself to know enough to create a space of inquiry and also being comfortable saying “I don’t know”–we’ve all gotten (or asked!) one of those questions of a teacher. I always admire when someone calls in another resource or perspective and we can sort of collab to come together for an answer. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective

[Jersey]

For the last several years I’ve facilitated an oral history project with women living at the intersection of HIV/AIDS and domestic violence. This project began after I inherited the letters of my friend who had lived and passed at that same intersection (I love you, Rosa). After conducting my first interview with a community member (in her living room!) the next day I got 8 calls from 8 women! I used Rosa’s letters to form each interview question and I think we all immediately felt like we were getting to make contact and reflect on story through these wise, sassy, brilliant words. I got very, very lucky that I got to carry her message–it’s reached over 400 people since.

To work as an oral historian is to offer an unconditional space of safety and trust, especially for hard-won truths. Because I entered this project as a friend of Rosa, I was gifted a space of friendship within this community. I never did any marketing. Every single interview came through word of mouth. Sharing parts of myself was important to facilitate conversation. And EVERY conversation quickly entered the realm of spirit. I’ve since been asked to conduct oral histories with unhoused communities, Latina survivors of domestic violence, and adult children living in estrangement. But it was one woman who helped me to understand my interview policy:

We really hit it off! We were talking for hours, way past my usual policy of “90 min max.” Then, she asked me: “the man I love proposed to me the day he found out he was impotent. Would you say yes?”

I knew, then, that I needed to articulate my theory, framework, and goals in a nanosecond. But this beautiful woman made that easy for me. I realized that there was not a right or wrong answer to this question: if she loved him, there would be a way to figure anything out. And, this interview did not call for my answer. My job was to create a space where it would be safe enough for her to access her heart and share it freely. Which is what I told her. “My money’s on you,” I said (I’ve since been told, that’s my trademark!) “if this is your love story, you will live it well and if it’s not, you can leave well.”

I’ve kept that close ever since.

[Jersey]

Hi Elizabeth,

What really jumped out at me in your essay was, “I would rather maintain some distance in order to keep warmth towards them in the best possible way.” I hadn’t thought before about the possibility for warmth being a sort of guiding force behind structuring relationships. Thank you for that aha! On a podcast yesterday I heard “don’t throw anyone out of your heart, but you can throw them out of your house!” (Sharon Salzberg quoting Sylvia Boorstein)

[Jersey]

Hi Cheryl,
I always very much look forward to your energy and perspective during class, and it’s been nice to get to know you a bit through your writing here, as well. I just want to tell you that: “Remember, Experience, Stabilize–Cheryl” is now written in my journal to keep as an ongoing reminder. Thank you for this gift.

[Jersey]

One day after becoming estranged from my biological family (I’ve lived in estrangement for over 11 years now) I wrote to an animal rescue about a long-haired kitten named Daniel. Daniel was listed as the literal perfect pet: adorable, affectionate, playful. The rescue called me the next day and said that Daniel had already been adopted, but they had Greta Garbo available. Greta was also a long-haired kitten (she’s Bengal/Maine Coon!), was found stuck in a drain pipe in the Bronx, was just a few months older than Daniel, BUT…

She had been returned by two different families. She was on her last stop at a foster home for “unadoptable” dogs. She would probably need a solo household. Some place quiet. Then the volunteer at the rescue said, “What Greta needs is someone patient.”

I still don’t know where this voice came from, but I heard myself saying, “I’m patient!”

I have since written a lot about estrangement and I really believe living within a harmful/violent family system causes self-estrangement. When I said “I’m patient!” I had only known myself in relation to this system. It was this breaking open moment when I realized that I might not have all of the information about *this* self yet.

It would take 6 months to even pet Greta Garbo, though the day I took to my near-empty apartment, she did sleep on my feet. In those first 6 months, we learned so much about how to trust each other, what routines we could count on each other to observe, what music was soothing, needing to feed her made me get to the grocery store. She has been my greatest teacher of patience, and she has shown the same to me as we’ve both learned to adjust our feral ways.

In time, I learned that there was no Daniel! He was a ruse to get Greta adopted. I have been grateful every single day since. She’s with me now and an absolute queen <3

[Jersey]

Hi Mary,

I appreciated this SO much. I am so sorry about your husband’s diagnosis and also recognize the love and effort and care that must be on your shoulders. A few months after moving in together my partner was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. It somehow joined forces with some spinal trouble he had and it’s been a handful ever since. We had talked of so many plans for adventure, and really live now in about a 4 block radius. I’ve traveled on my own (after years of saying “one day together” and realizing, maybe not) but our lives are different than we could have planned for. Seeing what we have at any given moment is such an effort of patience, but it does also yield treasures I may have missed. Like, we’ve become so close to local business owners! Like family.

Also: love that story about the sloth <3

[Jersey]

Rosie, what you wrote about having so little and making a donation to the food bank really moved me. Thank you for that kind reminder. I am a member of a 12-step group and one of the guys who helped me get started years ago told me yesterday, “the only thing we have to do to keep our riches is give them away.”

[Author]

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