Jenn Peters
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I feel like my strengths and challenges might be one and the same, or maybe two sides of the same coin. One of my strengths, I think, is having an open heart and being receptive to the feelings and energy of others. As an empath, I feel deeply when other people are suffering, and in my teaching, this open-heartedness makes me feel more connected to them.
But this can also be a challenge, as sometimes this heart-openness attracts the wrong people, and in the past, I’ve had the tendency to attract energy vampires or people who just want to use me as a sounding board, telling me I’m their “best friend” when they don’t know or ask anything about me. When teaching, this is something to be mindful of, I know.
This is also connected to my rejection wound and wanting everyone to “like me” – so I can sometimes be overly amicable in situations that call for more distance – not touchy-feely or huggy but just inviting people into my heart space, subconsciously, by putting out that needy energy.
I find that as a teacher, it’s important for me to be mindful of boundaries and the line on which to balance that open-heartedness with self-preservation and protection so that others don’t take advantage of my heart space but also so that I don’t get too emotionally involved the point where I am not of service anymore – or losing my place as a teacher — either trying too hard for them to like me or wanting to give them my all in order to help comfort them/soothe their pain, etc.
Kate, thank you so much for your thoughtful writing here! I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability around sharing your challenges with teaching and your chair moving, as well as feeling that you might be distracting with your physical setup regarding the tools close to your mouth, etc. I can say with all honesty, that while you mentioned, “On the other hand, my voice is not strong. I must stop to breathe every few words,” as a negative thing or a potential hindrance, I really love this about you and what this physical challenge brings to your teaching as a strength. Because of the speed at which you speak, when you speak, I really listen, slow down, pause with you, and think about your words. I don’t want to take away from your challenges, but that I see them as you bringing something unique to the table that other teachers don’t have. Your pacing is calming and your words are still confident and full of wisdom.
Karen, thank you so much for your thoughtful essay – and I echo what Dominic said, your words about imposter syndrome and rushing through aspects of teaching because you feel your students might already know it, etc. really resonates with me. I always have this feeling – even when I’m just talking! Then, I hurry through what I’m trying to say, assuming my audience has lost interest or I’m talking too much. Thank you for bringing your wisdom to this predicament – I will keep in mind your words about how you are personally handling this and try to improve and slow down, as well.
I love this example, Dominic, thank you for sharing! And so relateable too. I’ve also been in those arguments that last a day or however long and then you have to go into your daily life and deal with people like nothing is going on and you’re totally fine! It’s really not very easy to compartmentalize in that moment, but I love that meditation got you to that place where you could step back and take a moment for yourself to get some perspective and help your client. I’m sure you’re a great coach 🙂
Awww, thanks for your honesty here, Betsy – that indeed sounds like a tough experience, although, as you said, it led to something better in the end. Work is such a difficult place to find that balance, right? Especially if you’re in a leadership position and you have many different people to make happy. Sounds like you did the best you could given the circumstances!
This essay talks about the importance of being totally present to others while remaining alone with your own experience–and also allowing it to color your responses to others. Can you describe another situation where these elements were combined? How did it go?
________First, I’d like to thank Susan for this deeply personal and touching essay. The emotions and experiences shared there were really vulnerable, and the writing was so beautiful and insightful.
At first, when I was thinking about my response to this question, I was thinking about my yoga teaching experience and navigating that tenuous balance between being alone in my experience and whatever else is going on in my life and brain that day with the importance of being totally present, but as I thought about this more, I feel like it’s in my relationship with my mother where this comes up in a stronger way. My mom has come a long way in her personal development in the past decade, but the truth of it is that she has some narcissistic tendencies and can be difficult to communicate with when she is in a state of stress and high activation. She can be confrontational and defensive, and it has taken me a long time to get better at communicating with her and it’s still very much a WIP.
When I was younger, this used to cause problems and arguments between us because I’d challenge things that she said that I knew were wrong and give her advice when she wanted feedback or to vent about something. But as I’ve gotten older, I’m learning how to better navigate this balance between being wholly present with her and still in my own experience.
As with many mother-daughter relationships, her behaviour and words can sometimes be triggering for me, and this would normally cause some kind of palpable physical response or just inform the way I’d respond to her. But I realize that I can have my feelings and know what I know to be true and not have to answer her or tell her that she’s wrong, and her defensiveness is because she’s triggered too – she has low self-esteem and places a lot of her self-worth on “how much she knows” and so hates when this is threatened.
Feeling and noticing this balance when I’m listening to her has opened up a well in compassion in me for her that I didn’t know I had – I always felt deeply for her, but this is different, I have nothing to prove. She can be right, and so can I. I can let her talk and act how she wants, and I’m still the same person with my own ideas. As a result, she feels heard and validated, and we’re both happier with each other by the end of the day. Do I always get it right? Hell, no! She knows how to push my buttons. But I am learning how to love her in a deeper and more pure way because of this balance between honouring myself and being present with her – and it’s 100% coloured the way I respond to her. At least some of the time 😉
I like this reflection, Ann! There are so many healthy ways to express compassion other than what we might think it is, it seems. I’ve learned so much from everyone’s writings here, and I love what you said about not being “nicey-nice” when situations call for boundaries. This is such a loaded topic for women, as well, who are taught from birth to always be “nice” and never be “rude”, always help people, never say “no”, etc. Lots of food for thought, here!
Hey there, Anne – I love your description and delineation between the two types of compassion – that “calling bullshit” when it’s needed. Your first paragraph really hit home for me as someone who was “parentified” from a young age. I like that you called true compassion “quieter,” and not “giving till it hurts” – so touching. I’m glad you’ve learned how to protect your peace through your experiences as a parent and through life itself.
I found the reading this week to be very interesting, and I always find Trungpa Rinpoche’s writing/speaking style to be engaging and approachable because he was so good at giving modern context for these complex, ancient teachings. This isn’t to say that the concepts delivered in the 4 Karmas are easy for me to wrap my head around or get an understanding of, but I guess that’s fairly typical of many Buddhist teachings. That said, all I can deliver here is my interpretation of what he means by “idiot compassion,” – which I believe to mean the act of feeling and delivering compassion for the wrong reasons that are inherently tied back to one’s own ego or that the compassion itself becomes passive and “lazy.”
Trungpa Rinpoche says, “we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle,” and I think this illustrates this point. By intrepreting his words here, we can view this to mean that compassion is an active force, which is why it falls under the “destroying” karma. We must “[destroy] whenever destruction is necessary, [create] whenever creation is necessary.” It’s not about being compassionate for how it makes us feel or its ties to our own ego, and it’s not about being passive and not having boundaries when they are required” – rather, it’s tied into the entire samatha vipassana practice of being involved with one’s eyes open – being awake to the experience of life and compassion, without the “hang-ups” that compassion can involve.
This also seems to suggest that the act of compassion is not always inherently positive and sometimes destruction is compassionate too. Trungpa Rinpoche illustrates this by saying that we must use “situations as they are, but at the same time [become] the conqueror of [them].”
Of course, many of us use compassion as fuel for our ego, and the two are intrinsically related. I notice this in myself a lot and try to operate from an altruistic centre, and make sure that I’m doing things for the correct reason. Furthermore, I have to be careful that I utilize my empathic and compassionate qualities in situations where it is necessary and can be useful, and hold back where it is wasted and may be just enabling the destructive qualities/actions of the person I’m trying to help. Sometimes doing nothing is compassionate, and sometimes having strong boundaries or saying no is compassionate, or telling someone that what they are doing is wrong, especially if it means that doing otherwise under the guise of “compassion” might be fuelling the delusions of the person you’re trying to help.
Thank you so much, Dominic – you’re always so supportive to everyone – you’ll also be an amazing teacher and I’m sure you already are!
Hi, Karen – thank you so much for your thoughtful essay. Yeah, self-aggression. That’s a big one, isn’t it? I have a lot of thinking to do on that word/concept. It sounds to me like you’re very in tune with what a trauma response might look like in others, and I think that noticing between someone’s words and their body language is particularly insightful. Thank you 🙂
Ginny, I love your writing this week – indeed, we’re not trained to counsel or “fix” anyone in this, are we – but it can be so hard. When I was doing trauma informed YTT, we talked about students who want to sit in view of the door and that kind of thing, and I’m sure there are meditation students who want to do that too. That really gave me food for thought, thank you. How to create that safe space for everyone, while also letting them know that they’re kind of on their own in navigating their trauma in this space, in many ways. For me, the kind of person that wants to “fix” everyone’s problems, but with plenty of my own trauma, that’s difficult. Thank you so much for your thoughtful sharing 🙂
The four “r”s—Realize, Recognize, Respond, and Retraumatization—are four very important things to notice and navigate as a meditation teacher, I’m sure. In terms of how I’d recognize these things in myself and others, paying attention is key, and this includes paying attention to myself and my own emotions.
In “realizing,” I can acknowledge that the world is a traumatic place and that our individual experiences as humans on this planet can be trauma-filled, for some more than others. Effectively, I should realize that everyone comes into meditation class with their own “stuff,” and they might be bringing some of this “stuff” onto the mat and into their experience.
When I “recognize”, I can look for signs of this. Having your heart open means that you will notice a tightening in someone’s body or presence, as Susan was so eloquently discussing last week, and conversely, if that person wants something from you, with practice, I’ll get to feel that, too. I can be aware and notice if I think someone is experiencing strong emotions before, during, or after meditation, and adjust my body language and composure accordingly to navigate that without getting directly involved.
That part is the “respond,” -, and it’s important for me to notice any emotions that come up in my teaching practice as well, as well as any triggers or anything else that might cause me to be more open or closed than other times or upset or angry or whatever else so that I too can respond. Finally, in terms of wanting to avoid retraumatization, I can work to ensure that, to the best of my ability, I attempt to cause no harm when teaching. I think for one to say that they can unequivicably make sure that they never, ever trigger someone is not possible. Someone might not like my hair or how I look. My race, background, voice, or a million other things could be triggering to someone, and I can’t control so much of what I bring to the class. But in terms of the aspects that I can control – like my language, how I carry myself, the tone, and the intention, that’s what I can control in my attempt to do no harm.
I teach trauma-informed yoga and went through particular teacher training for this kind of work, and one thing I learned was that we want to “invite” people to do something, like, say, sit in a chair in a particular way or have a particular posture, not “command” but also let people have choice of what they do with their own bodies. I know the formal sitting practice in meditation is a bit more prescriptive when it comes to the “recommended” ways to sit, but in the same way, the language we use is very important.
David, I wrote my essay before reading yours here and it brings me great comfort to know that I’m not the only person who has these convos in my head – i mean, I know we all can be aware of this internal witness, but i thought maybe mine was more maniacal than others. But it turns out that yours is just as chatty and fun. So nice!
