James Benefield
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Sue Ellen, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Certainly expressed from your heart and I do appreciate the song. I had never heard it before, but I think I will add it to my playlist. The song really speaks to some of the conversations my wife and I have had at times. One of her greatest fears is that I will die first. As her primary caregiver, I can understand her fear. As the song says, “One of us will die first.” That is not a guarantee, but a good chance it will turn out that way. I thought there was also parts of the song that expressed the significance of a life shared with another person, so I will close expressing my appreciation for the life Pat and I have shared.
For the past 12 years I have been a caregiver for my wife who was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. Early in this journey I was dealing with the grief of loss I experienced in terms of our future and the knowledge of what this illness would do to the person I loved and shared life with. She has always been able to take care of her basic daily needs and continues to do so. However, in the last couple of years her memory both short and long term have deteriorated and it has taken a tole on both of us. So much so that recently I realized I was dealing with depression that was beneath the surface and came to my awareness more at the beginning of this year. So, my concern in my life is being able to be a caregiver for my wife going forward while at the same time dealing with my grief and depression. When I consider these two issues along with the first reminder of “the preciousness of human life”, it seems to be a paradox. On the one hand her illness has impacted our quality of life tremendously, so that does not seem to be a very ‘precious life’ to me. Maybe, I need to reflect on what a ‘precious life’ means to me. As I write this, I am reminded that not all is negative in terms of my wife and what we share. Just recently I experienced the joy and smile on her face when she shared time with our 3 month old great-granddaughter, so there are still ‘precious moments’, moments when the illness is in the foreground and her love and joy shines out.
In terms of these two concerns of grief and depression, the reminder of ‘Impermanence’ is a paradox, as well. On the one hand, this illness will progress and she will require more assistance as time goes on. On the other hand, this illness will lead to her death and the end to the suffering. If I live past her death, my grief will be transformed, as well. Also, there is the possibility I can get to a place of acceptance and my grief and depression can be transformed, as well.
In terms of the reminder of cause and effect and it’s impact on my grief and depression it seems to indicate that I have a choice in how I respond to the illness. I can’t change or reverse this illness, but I can choose how to respond. I am working toward being more open and present with whatever is going on within me emotionally and spiritually, while at the same time being present with others on this journey. People who will listen and support me even though the experience may be painful. Being present with the pain may be the key to leading me to the place of acceptance.
Now for the last reminder. My two concerns point directly at the fourth reminder. The reminder of “the pervasiveness of suffering.” Not much to add to this point, except to say the fourth point may in some sense point back in some way to the “preciousness of human life.” It could be that is there was not suffering there might not be any sense of life being precious.
