Jana Sample
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David, I love this idea of the internal witness / the Jiminy Cricket. And how totally real that sometimes the response to this witness is “shut up!” 😀 I really identify with all that you said, the creation of space between our first reaction to a situation and our actual response has been so helpful for me, too.
Pondering this idea of letting go of self while currently surrounded and overwhelmed with news of tragedy and danger and loss and suffering… I am feeling an intense amount of grief for and frustration with this current state of the world that has been born from ideals of individualism, self-importance and greed. And it feels so incredibly clear that the antidote to this is letting go of self and caring for the collective, and that the result would be at least a bit more happiness for all of us.
But I think the day to day reality of living in this world makes it very difficult to remember all of this in each moment. Many/most of us have been through our lives consistently fed an idea that we must put ourselves first and hoard whatever resources we can in order to be “safe” and “comfortable” and therefore “happy.” Living life through this lens makes it quite difficult to routinely consider how my actions will benefit others. And these ingrained ideals are not easy to shed, not for lack of trying.
Francis Weller talks about the great forgetting, as in the forgetting that we belong to each other, that it is our deep nature to be in community and to care for one another. He also speaks of this modern idea of rights over responsibility, like the individualistic nature of defending one’s perceived rights over the responsibility to take care of the greater world around us. I think about this a lot lately and it seems to apply in this context as well.
In terms of how I see this manifest in my own life, I can say with certainty that a consistent meditation practice brings me into a much more expanded state of awareness, where I am more regularly able to see past my own wants and needs and give of myself more freely.
In the last years I’ve gone through some periods of intense financial scarcity / insecurity and this put me into fight or flight / reptilian brain mode in a way that I’ve never before experienced. This is also not easy to shed – even when I’m not seeing the same level of scarcity in my bank balance, I’m still feeling it (if not now, maybe right around the corner). And I can see clearly how it has led me to a state of self-preservation and self focus that leaves very little room to think of how I can be of service to those around me. In the times when I was worried about being kicked out of my apartment because I could not pay the rent or needing to choose to between eating a healthy meal or having a ride home from work rather than walking 1.5 hours, it was difficult not to focus on my own needs. The glimpses of letting go of self during that time came, as I remember now, really only through my meditation practice and were incredibly moving and necessary for me to stay grounded, present and calm in my existence.
So, I do think it’s possible, yes. I don’t know how it’s possible to consistently, moment to moment, let go of self while living in this capitalistic society, especially the more urban parts of it. But I do see that it can be possible to catch enough glimpses of this letting go to carry the spirit of it with me, at least many days. And I’m absolutely up for the challenge.Ann, I love this idea of shedding your anger through tears. I identify with this so much, when I feel angry I nearly always find myself crying. I wanted to share with you that in Chinese medicine theory, we think of tears as the fluid of the Liver and the Liver is the organ associated with emotions of anger and frustration. So, in essence, crying can be seen as a way of letting anger move through and out of you. Once I learned this idea I began to feel so comforted by my angry tears. Just wanted to share in case this is helpful for you, too. 🙂
“we’re all just bumping around into each other with all our garbage in a messy world…” ahhhhh, so beautifully put. so true. every time i realize some version of this idea i inevitably feel so much compassion, this is a powerful image to keep close. thank you.
Reading your words brings me right back to a similar time in my life, so intensely. I love what you wrote about how the experience of deep sadness opened you up to a different type of joy and quieter contentment, so perfect. Thank you for this, I deeply feel so many pieces of what you’ve shared.
Your last line, so intense! I can feel this so much in my body and it does feel like power. Thank you for this, Gwen.
I’m a bit surprised to say that in thinking back about some really rough times for me over the past years, the thing that stands out most is how magical those times were, even in the pain I was feeling.
I was thinking first to write about my move to Portugal because the years after my move were some of the hardest I’ve experienced, in terms of loneliness and shame and loss of faith. As I began to write about this experience, I started noticing how – now that it’s 4-6 years after the most difficult part of it – I’m remembering mostly the beauty of this time. I know I was suffering, I remember clearly some of the thoughts I was having then and often they were very very dark and quite hopeless. I know I was feeling very alone, I know I could not pay my rent, I know I was embarrassed to ask for help and doubting the purpose of my existence, I know I was questioning if I could trust my intuition ever again and feeling a lack of faith in the wisdom and grace that brought me to that point.
But, oddly enough, the pieces of memory that shine through are the times, even when I was totally broken and vulnerable and in the depths of my own suffering, that I was feeling completely cracked open and astonished by the magnificence all around me. Like walking down the street and noticing a single red poppy flower growing through a crack in the sidewalk. Or quick eye contact and a smile of a child looking toward me on the bus. Or feeling a grand sense of awe standing next to the ocean. Or stopping on the street to take in the beauty of a mural on the wall.
I also remember feeling this sense of openness in the time of immense grief I was feeling after my relationship with my ex ended, and after the shock and grief of finding out that a close friend had suddenly passed. It seems that when I’ve felt most overwhelmed and inundated by the heaviest and darkest feelings, it was easier to feel the astounding beauty of life as it presented itself.
This is not what I expected to be writing about at all! I had an entirely different reflection written and almost finished and posted but as I read back through this became very clear and wanted to be recorded. So that’s that. And I’m also thinking now about Susan’s book ‘The Wisdom of a Broken Heart’ which I read many years ago in the depths of a broken heart and I’m sure that it affected this response as well!:)I identify so much with what you’ve said, Allison. It does bring a ceremonial aspect and intention to the practice which feels like exactly what I’ve needed. And the check in is wonderful, I agree.
I also find that Christianity is deep in me, for better or worse. But it’s nice to reflect on the good parts and let them be just that.
Thank you for sharing this.Betsy, I love these physical representations and elements of your practice. I’ve been feeling a need to add something like this, to somehow feel more in my body while I ask for blessings. It’s still feeling a bit foreign to me and I find my mind jumps in a bit much. Thank you so much for sharing this. 🙂
I completely agree with your idea of lineage being not so much a straight line and more dynamic. I like the visual image of a tree or a root system. 🙂 And yes, each day that I’ve been sitting with this, it has changed for me. So it feels very dynamic and fluid, and not rigid at all… what a relief that is! Wishing you the best on your journey, Kimberly.
Initially this idea of naming a lineage or lineages felt quite uncomfortable for me. I have not had any long term teachers that I have worked with closely, although I’ve had many incredible teachers over the years. I do not feel particularly close with my family and so the idea of calling on my ancestors does not feel like something I am so connected to, even though I am fully aware that they are part of me. I don’t have an affiliation with or strong ties to any religion, either. I guess I was feeling a bit resistant to the idea at first, and feeling a bit sad that I don’t “belong” anywhere.
After our small group discussion during last week’s class, I was feeling much more comfortable, some of the resistance began to fade. The main thing that called to me was including a lineage in nature, thinking about a forest or even a single tree, or the ocean, or a flower. And also Susan’s mentioning John Coltrane, which gave me a sense of this idea of asking for blessings from a person who has done incredible things that I deeply admire, and as Susan said, if I were to do something a small fraction as powerful as this human then I would feel like, yeah, I’m doing alright.
But it didn’t really begin to feel good for me until this week when I started including in my meditation practice these steps of making offerings, asking for blessings and dedicating the merit. The first day I was really in my head about it and was trying to think my way into who or what is my lineage and who I could ask for blessings, and this did not help very much. The next day and after, I was able to just sit with it and let myself sink into this idea and some clarity began to take form.
I am a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine, and one thing that feels very clear and nice, rather than thinking of a specific teacher that I’ve had, is to think about the thousands of years of rich history and so many practitioners of this medicine and to see myself as part of this lineage. In fact, this is so powerful the more I sit with it and feels like such a gift. I also practice as an herbalist and consider myself part of this incredible lineage of plant lovers and healers as well. Over years of experimenting with different forms of creating art, many amazing teachers have crossed my path and dropped little nuggets of wisdom into my life so I feel honored to be part of some lineage of creative expression. I’ve also had some of my dear friends who have passed away show up in my heart during this process, and it feels really lovely to ask them for blessings. As I’ve been open to this all becoming clear it’s been so cool to see that I do actually belong, and it feels so cosy and comfortable to let this be part of my practice, and brings a lot more meaning to the time I spend practicing.
So I feel this will be an ongoing exploration, this idea of lineage. And now that I’m on this side of it, I feel so grateful and open to the experience and how it will manifest as I continue to practice and feel into it.“Every time I realize I’m thinking and gently escort my awareness back to the breath, I practice being kind to myself.” This is wonderful, thank you for this reminder.
I also love your celebration of everything as practice, this is really the truth and brings such a different awareness to “negative” experiences in life. Thank you for sharing this wisdom.Wow, what a gorgeous transformative experience. And what a gift you found in this heartbreaking loss. I love how you say that this story is your True North and how you’ve been able to use the pain that you suffered through it to find such peace. It really is incredible the levels of beauty to which such deep grief allows access.
Such a beautiful experience and description, thank you for sharing with us. This quote you mention is so lovely, “If you take care of this moment, you will take care of all time.” I feel I should have this painted on my wall or something, to keep remembering. Also I think “squishy” is such a great description, I’m feeling this one. 🙂
The second Noble Truth speaks to the cause of our human suffering, which is self-inflicted by holding onto that which could be let go. A lot of my own suffering lately has been coming in the form of anxiety and intense acute stress. I have recently begun to see so clearly that this is a direct result of my attachment to my ideas of how things “should” be and often anticipation of how things may be if they do not follow along with my expectations.
As I sit here typing this right now, I am still feeling the remnants of the suffering that I’ve created for myself today based on a feeling of disappointment that it is Friday evening and I’m just now writing this. I did fully want and plan to do this days ago, but unfortunately my life did not cooperate to allow this to happen. Earlier today I had a few quiet moments in the middle of what was feeling like total chaos and I wanted to begin writing, so I read the article again and this line spoke to me so deeply: “The seeds of karma are held in the universal ground of the mind and are experienced
when they ripen.” In that moment I realized that my present experience was exactly what I would be writing about, and instead of forcing myself to focus on writing I took some minutes to sit quietly in meditation. I see now, and also noticed throughout the afternoon, how this decision completely reshaped the potential course of my day. Rather than carrying this anxiety with me all day – of how late it would be before I was able to finish writing this and then also how I “should” have had this or that done already – I was able to largely let that go and stay in the moment. And what a gift, as even in this day that felt a bit chaotic, there were so many magical experiences for which to be present and I could have easily missed many of them had I been stuck in my attachment to my thoughts.
So I guess then I’m also speaking to the third Noble Truth, which says in order to stop suffering one must stop holding on. It is really incredible how a few moments of slowing down and just breathing can facilitate the letting go and how quickly the suffering fades. And then it becomes so much easier to remember this and come back to this, over and over and over.
