Jana Sample
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Erin, this is such a nice way of saying it, that the karmas feel “shapeless without the shadow of their maras.” I also thought of how this mirrors yin / yang theory, how can we be soft without the hardness to keep us with shape? And your quote at the end, truth and false are also just two polar opposite aspects like yin and yang. It is so helpful for me to remember that we need both sides of anything in order to stay in balance.
Thank you for sharing this!This is great, David. I find this to be such a challenge, not to become a jerk when telling someone else that they are being a jerk. And so often in manifests in or around the car / driving! It sounds like you did the right thing, good for taking a step back and giving yourself space before you responded.
It’s so true, peacefulness does have such a seductive quality. And the seduction is often pulling us out of reality. If we are not existing authentically in reality and allowing whatever comes, we are not creating space for all of the pieces of our pain to exist. Like you say, there is a distinction “between a peace that avoids and a peace that integrates.” I love the way you articulated this, it’s such a nice concept. Thank you for this.
Idiot compassion … I think I’ve heard this before but have never understood or thought much about its significance. Now that I’m becoming familiar it feels really important and I’m so glad we’ve been given this prompt to explore the idea.
Initially two things came to mind. First, the idea of “tough love.” For me a specific situation comes up. My close friend of many years was having a chronically difficult time keeping her life together, mostly because she was desperately addicted to opiates. In the past I had supported her in ways that felt right and like real compassion in the moment, even though looking back now I see that it was completely idiot compassion. At some point she called me again after having disappeared for some period of time, asking for help. I realized the only help she wanted was to continue moving down the destructive path she had been walking for many years. Even after all the conversations we had and seeming moments of her trying to move in a different direction, it was clear that nothing was changing. Something shifted in me and I realized the only true help that I could give her at that moment was to create a boundary and say no. This caused a great rift in our friendship which was incredibly painful and difficult, but I can see now that it was the right way, even though I am feeling so much grief right now as I revisit this. It is likely that the pain would have been much more intense for both of us had I not made this decision.
And the second thing that came to my mind, which is this idea of being “kind but not nice.” I think of this, in a way, as a hard edge to the softness of compassion, a strength and integrity which complements this openness and vulnerability that we cultivate with practice. From the reading: “There is quite a likelihood that
we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle.” As I was meditating today this likeness to the strong back and soft front body struck me as another place where this dynamic presents. We can only let our bellies and heart soften because the strong back body is there to hold us up.So it feels like idiot compassion is more or less a result of this “falling alseep” in the gentleness, the niceness. And true compassion is a result of staying aware, present and awake to reality. Pema Chodron says: “For example, trying to smooth everything out to avoid confrontation, not to rock the boat, is not what’s meant by compassion or patience. It’s what is meant by control. Then you are not trying to step into unknown territory, to find yourself more naked with less protection and therefore more in contact with reality. Instead, you use the idiot forms of compassion and so forth just to get ground.”
I love this contrast of holding both the softness of an open heart and the toughness of being aware and present in reality. It feels like an ultimate balancing act. In yin / yang theory there is the concept that neither can exist without the other, that they are two polar opposites but interdependent in nature, always generating each other. This seems to be applicable in this case, as in order to act with true and authentic compassion one must work with this balancing act between the softness and the harshness.
Rachel, this is a great exploration. I think it’s a good idea to open the door right away for people to bring up anything that may make meditation difficult for them. And I like how you bring up being gentle with oneself, I think this is always a great reminder and especially in situations where someone is having a trauma response. Thank you. 🙂
More and more I realize how many people carry trauma with them and how it varies so greatly in expression. Sometimes we don’t even realize what traumas we ourselves carry. We cannot know what seemingly “small” event in someone’s life can stick with them and become a relived experience, effecting present and future events. We also cannot know how these experiences and memories manifest in life, whether through behavior or physical symptoms or some other outlet.
In my work I spend a lot of time listening to people speak about experienced pain (physical, mental, emotional) and very often if we trace it back to its origin it has some root in a traumatic experience. It is a fascinating thing how the body holds on to traumatic experiences and how they show up later.I cannot say that I’m very confident in my ability to recognize trauma symptoms as such, although I do find that I can often intuit things about people based on behavior patterns. In my training as a Chinese medicine practitioner we learned to take each aspect of a person’s presentation into account when treating them, so I rely heavily on observation in order to create a treatment for someone. So I guess I observe well, but maybe I’m not necessarily registering what I notice as a symptom of trauma? This is something I need to explore further.
All in all, it seems to me that being present for people and offering space and compassion is a good general rule for responding to trauma symptoms. And I do my best to bring these qualities to any interaction. So hopefully even if I’m not recognizing clearly symptoms of trauma, bringing loving kindness to the interaction will be an appropriate response.
I find this idea of first doing no harm to be central to my interactions with patients, and really anyone. Again, it seems that leaving space and staying present and aware in a loving way is a good start to avoid re-traumatization or causing harm.
Anyway, there is a lot to consider here and I’m grateful for the chance to take a closer look at this topic and think about how I can be more aware and appropriately responsive.
“it was love that was the thread of connection to that worry…”
I love this, Erin. So beautiful. Thank you.I have found this to be so helpful, actively creating space for my heart to be broken. I think it is such a powerful practice, and so helpful in allowing us to carry it all, as you say “the fullness.” Sending love, Katie.
Yes, my road rage dissipates, too! This is maybe the first thing I have regularly noticed changing when my practice gets deeper and more regular. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all access some more calm while driving? 😀
I have big emotions and I feel them deeply. I guess at some point when I was a teenager, I started really noticing that people were often telling me to ‘calm down’ or seemed to pull back in conversation or told me how big and intense my eyes get when I was speaking. So I started feeling like probably I was a bit too much for most people and that I should find ways to stifle myself and my big emotions.
For many years I held back a lot, often until it all came bursting out at once. I see now I was also closing my heart, trying to restrict my depth of feeling. Around the time that I began to realize that this was not healthy and that I was not feeling authentic like this, I started experimenting with a regular yoga practice and with that came some experiences with meditation.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I see that this was a turning point for me in terms of working with my emotions, especially the hard ones. Over time as I developed a regular meditation practice I was able to sit more and more with my sadness and anger and fear and anxiety and not let it overwhelm me so much.
With a regular meditation practice, often I can find this little pause between my big emotional reaction and my actual physical response. It also helps to rest with knowing that the intensity of emotion will pass when I sit with it, and meditating has absolutely taught me this. When I’m not meditating regularly I clearly notice a difference in my ability to handle and sit with emotions, especially anxiety. This manifests in my mood, my ability to sleep well, my patience with those around me, and generally in how I’m viewing my life. It’s so much harder to stay present when a big cloud of anxiety is covering everything.
Difficult emotions come up for me sometimes while I’m meditating, even just yesterday this happened. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by a mix of grief and joy and gratitude and then even some anxiety, and I was sobbing. As I kept breathing and sat with the emotions and my breath, I began to feel my body relax and the intensity subside. The emotions were still there but the depth of feeling and difficulty holding them passed.
Having a regular meditation practice helps me access this place of pause and observation, rather than moving directly into outward expression. It has helped me realize that it is okay to be who I am, a person with big feelings, but that I don’t have to spill this out all over everyone around me. I can hold it, as Susan says in the reading, “relax with the discomfort…and stay with it,” and “learn to stabilize your heart in the open state.” I still cry a lot, in sadness and joy etc etc, and still feel things deeply, but I don’t feel so overwhelmed all the time. Only sometimes. 🙂 And in the times of overwhelm I can more easily find a way to sit in the intensity until is passes.Ginny, so sorry for the loss of your friend. I also recently lost a friend who I’d been very close with many years ago but had not spoken to in some time. It’s not easy to sit with feelings of guilt for not staying in touch after someone has passed, I’m still feeling this come up for me from time to time and even now as I write this. But I also find it true that my meditation practice has helped me sit with the discomfort of these feelings instead of pushing them away.
I also ponder often about how my practice is benefiting “all.” Whether or not I understand how, I think it’s a beautiful idea and I often think of it radiating from me into the world, whatever “it” is.
Hugs to you.I think it’s so lovely and important to look back over the years of life and see the ways we’ve transformed, and I love what you say about leaving aspects of yourself behind and in turn developing resources to serve your deeper self. What a beautiful thing to realize about your journey. I find this, too, that I can recognize times when I was shedding skins that no longer served me. What a cool thing to have the opportunity to live so many lives in this one life! 🙂
For real, though, what a relief to let go of self! It does feel heavy sometimes, carrying around this mess of thoughts and beliefs and confusions. I guess that’s why those fleeting moments of letting go feel so so good. 🙂 Also in regard to the animal instinct vs bodhisattva activity, I always think of animal instinct as the fight or flight / reptilian part of our brain, pure survival mode. So is letting go of self somehow letting go of being in survival mode? Like letting ourselves move away from being wrapped up in our own fears? I’ve been pondering this…
Thank you for sharing your disjointed thoughts!
