Erin Schwartz
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I had mixed feelings about giving meditation instruction. I was happy to go first, but felt pretty anxious and I missed a couple of important points (e.g., awareness is on the feeling of the breath). Then I wasn’t sure if should mention that once we were further into the meditation because I didn’t want to disrupt my partner’s process. In short, I was overthinking things and I think I got in my own way a bit. I’m also prone to focus more on where I can improve rather than on what I’ve done well.
Despite my neuroses, the experience was positive. The feedback I received from my partner was very valuable (it would have been fine and even welcomed for me offer additional instruction throughout the time) & I feel more clear about what I will do in the future. I think I just needed to get this first one under my belt and I anticipate it will be easier in the future.
I also found it very helpful to hear from classmates about their experiences with giving themselves instruction either silently or out loud while they are meditating. I think I’ve been doing this to a degree without realizing it and I may be more intentional about incorporating it moving forward as long as it doesn’t cross over into thinking.
Mary,
Your final sentence about your grandmother deserving a statue that includes pie made me smile. It brought to mind my own grandparents who, despite having a large family and not a lot of money, were always willing to give whatever they could and lend a hand when needed. My grandmother was also a fabulous baker – I’m still trying to replicate her chocolate chip cookies. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Clif,
Your essay is beautifully written. I related strongly to your description of complexity of family of origin lineage and queer lineage. I especially liked this sentence: “In all cases, choosing lineage (whether of one’s bloodline or not) involves courage. A conscious decision.” I’ve grappled a bit with discerning what feels like authentic lineage and finding ways for my varying lineages to happily intermingle without short-changing one in deference to another.
I’ve thought a lot about lineage this week and while I’d hoped to have something cogent to share. I don’t think that’s going to be the case. But, here goes.
When I first thought about the concept of lineage, my family of origin came to mind. I spent one lost weekend deep in Ancestry.com building my family tree. Going back multiple generations, my family (on both sides) has deep roots in the Midwest as both farmers and merchants. My more immediate family is predominantly blue collar and conservative. While there are aspects of this lineage that I relate strongly to – hard work, loyalty, kindness – my personal experience diverges in significant ways. I somehow turned out to be someone who has spent many years in school pursuing advanced degrees and is pretty far left of center politically. I’m also gay. Growing up, I mostly felt like an alien around my family of origin. Over time, I’ve come to recognize the aspects of that lineage that persist in me despite the differences.
The next type of lineage I considered was being part of the LGBTQ+ community. Even though I came out in the 90s when it really wasn’t always safe to, I’ve always held deep respect for those who came before me and put their lives and livelihoods on the line to live authentically. I have deep reverence for these elders and my hope is that my actions are of benefit to generations that follow.
Finally, I reflected on my sense of connection with Tibetan Buddhism. I feel great respect for the teachers I’ve encountered directly or through their writings. I’ve taken courses with Ethan Nichtern and Venerable Thubten Chodren through the Sravasti Abbey. I’ve read books by Thich Nat Hanh, Pema Chodron, and Bikkhu Bodhi (among others). And now I’m learning from Susan and reading her books. I feel cautious in making any kind of claim on this lineage because I haven’t taken the refuge vow which I think officially makes me more Buddh-ish than Buddhist. However, I feel deeply connected to both the practice and the teachings. To strengthen my connection to this lineage I plan to be more intentional about doing what is outlined in this week’s reading: 1) Make offerings; 2) Request blessings; and 3) Dedicate the merit.
Hi Dawa,
I really like how you described “seeking forever in people” through various means (dancing into oblivion, hot yoga, retreats, etc.) despite rebelling against forced religion. Although my early years were different than what you describe, I can related to the experience of seeking something more.
Also, I love that you have a tattoo that says “this isn’t permanent.” It’s much more fun version of the “right now, it’s like this” tattoo that I’ve been considering.
Colin,
You so eloquently captured the experience I’m having with trying to understand the middle way.
“the way doesn’t appear to just illuminate a position between or above the two poles, allowing their presence without following either, but instead seems to lead to a place (a state?) beyond conceptualization, where all ideas are contained, but their meanings are of no significance.”
I’ve re-read this several times and it feels right, but my mind has a hard time holding onto it. It’s a bit like trying to hold onto water for me. Your writing has given me a lot to think about.
I didn’t grow up in any organized religion, but living in the Midwest, I was surrounded by religious messaging. I was religious adjacent. Messaging about what it meant to be “good” or “bad” came through in the ways I was parented and through relationships with friends and their families. So, while I wasn’t exposed to any specific religious doctrine about what it would take to get into heaven and avoid eternal damnation, I wholeheartedly embraced the idea of “doing the right thing” in order to reach some level of happiness in life. I fully believed (and part of me probably still does) that if I behaved as I’m expected to and didn’t cause problems, I would be rewarded at some point in the future. So, while I wasn’t trying to achieve my way into heaven, I was definitely striving for some kind of payoff at some point in this life.
I’ve also always had a sense of there being something more or something beyond this current physical reality. Not a realm overseen by a god or gods necessarily, but a kind of spiritual order or unified consciousness in the universe that exists beyond the physical plane. This has always been a felt sense rather than anything that I could prove through facts or evidence.
This bent toward eternalism has stayed with me and has largely been the lens through which I’ve lived most of my life. I think I’ve experienced nihilism in smaller, more circumscribed ways. This occurred mostly when I was younger, cynical, and far more fixated on the material aspects of my life. In more recent years, I’ve had periods where it has felt as if I’ve been sleepwalking through my life when I think I was more entrenched in nihilism. Those periods were filled with days when it seemed as if I was just going through the motions of living. It was like living in a black and white, two-dimensional Polaroid picture.
I’m grateful for all of these experiences because without them I would not have felt the pull to wake up and search for a different way to understand and experience my life. I knew I didn’t want to continue to live within the dichotomous confines of good vs. bad and I definitely didn’t want to experience my life solely in the material world. My experiences with, and waking up from, both eternalism and nihilism, are what ultimately led me to Buddhism.
The dharma and meditation practice have helped me to realize that I can have temporary experiences that may touch into both eternalism and nihilism, but I don’t need to set up camp in either. I can maintain my belief in there being something more beyond physical reality (the continuation of consciousness) while not equating my worth and basing my existence on being a “good girl” or trying to get into the right kind of afterlife.
Hi Toni,
Thank your for your thoughtful response. I really like your inclusion of the concept of surprise as an aspect of discovery. It reminded me of how important is to remain open to possibilities as I’m walking the path. I also appreciated your inclusion of humility as part of your response. I hadn’t considered this, but I can see why genuine humility is so important to supporting the learning and discovery process both in ourselves and in others.
Hello Gankur,
I really appreciate your heartfelt response. In particular, I like that you name common experiences that span all of humanity and recognize that each of us will experience those universal truths in our own unique ways. I also really like how you tied the importance of our own practice to our ability to show up and be present for those we teach.
Supporting discovery, both within myself and for others, involves a mix of attitudes and techniques that in some ways seem to be inconsistent with each other. When I first reflected on what it takes to support discovery, I immediately thought of the importance of openness. I know for myself that I need to come to the proverbial table with an open mind if I hope to discover or learn anything new. If I’m entering into a situation having already made up my mind about how things are, it’s very unlikely that I will have the experience of discovery.
After attending our first class and reflecting further, I recognized how important containment and consistency are to the process of supporting discovery. Without containment, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged because of the sheer amount of information or possibilities that are available. I’ve encountered this in Buddhist studies where the amount of information available seems staggering (to be fair, it stands to reason given that Buddhism has been around for over 2,500 years). But, when I’ve taken on one aspect of Buddhism, the experience of discovery has far more likely. It feels manageable to learn the information and still have space to reflect on how I’m meeting and making sense of the material.
Consistency in approach seems to be another necessary ingredient for supporting discovery. I’ve experienced the importance of “practice” in many areas of my life, including meditation. When I know what to expect and I develop familiarity with a technique, I am much more likely to experience or discover something new. When my mind is no longer hyper-focused on getting the technique exactly right, knowledge, wisdom, or new connections can arise.
Paradoxically, it seems that containment and consistency are the gateways for openness and ultimately, discovery.
Hi Dawa,
I just did this. Click MY OHP (top right) and on the next screen click your username (top right). This will take you into your profile where you can upload a photo.
Hope this helps!
Erin
Hi everyone,
My name is Erin Schwartz. I live in Bloomington, Indiana with my wife and 3 rescue dogs. I’ve been meditating and taking Buddhist studies courses on and off since 2020. I’m very excited to be on this path with all of you.
ecschwartz16@gmail.com
503-680-7139