Ana B Ruiz
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Hi MaryBeth, I can so relate to an ugly (what felt like to me from your description) and unkempt room can make all the difference. For me that’s key. It also shows the value that an organization puts on learning, in my very opinionated opinion :-). Thank you for the book recommendation and for your sense of humor.
An ideal learning environment for me is one that feels I can relax in. Tidy, inviting, luminous (preferably). And where the host tried to anticipate some basic needs – water, comfortable sitting, maybe some writing supplies, and even better if there are some “unexpected or non-critical” items, like flowers… Aside from the physical aspects, it needs to be safe for questions and feel inclusive. The teacher should be prepared and be intentional, and be ready to actively moderate the group if the need arises (making sure everyone has an equal chance to comment, for example). As I write this, it feels like I’m being “demanding”, but on second thought, these are just basic behaviours that show respect for those who are spending time with us. I think there is some overlap between creating a good learning environment and being hospitable hosts, something that can get forgotten in our busy lives.
A non-ideal environment is probably just the opposite of everything I mentioned above, but by far the thing that I find the most distracting is a teacher who is not prepared. I want to leave a class feeling like my time was worthwhile and respected. Aside from that, I can adapt pretty well to different styles, but I want to leave the time together feeling like something in me, even if the tiniest piece of understanding or awareness, shifted a little. I think (again, going back to the very beginning of the Forum questions) a teacher’s Presence can do that. All the rest – the water, the flowers – maybe are just a way to calm our nervous system and make both students (and teacher) know that we are serious about the work, kind to each other, and ready to embark on something special together.
Jo, it’s interesting to learn more about a setting where the teacher has many students – and all the dynamics that can bring. I’ve never taught to many people at once, so I tend to think of the student-teacher relationship as one-on-one. What came to mind as I read your response is that things will invariably land differently for different people, and even the best intentions can be received in ways we can’t control.
THanks for sharing about your experience!
A few months ago I was very excited to finally start therapy, something that I had been wanting to do for a while. A friend connected me to a friend of hers, and this person eventually to one of her colleagues. I was looking forward to talking to a professional, but unfortunately this relationship didn’t last long. We met virtually a handful of times and communicated over text messages in between sessions to arrange meeting times and other logistics. During these communications she always felt unnecessarily distant. While this was not the deal breaker, feeling that distance did put me off. It seemed to me as if she didn’t trust herself to have a more natural communication – or at least one that matched how she approached the sessions. This is, of course, my very subjective opinion, but I did experience it as an obstacle.
I’m all for clear and strong boundaries and, as I write this, it becomes more obvious to me that there is probably internal work we have to do before we can have the clarity we need to know where those boundaries land, and why. Somewhat related to this, I have also found it helpful to listen to my gut when I feel I might be about to overshare something – typically at work – and then wait a day or so to see how I feel about having said too much. As I’ve gotten older, I trust that intuition completely, because I know it’s telling me something and that, if I ignore it, I’ll regret it the next day!
I can’t think of an experience of a teacher that got too close or too friendly, although I probably did experience that at some point. As a meditation teacher, I will definitely establish some explicit boundaries from day 1; not just to make sure everyone is on the same page, but also because it may make it easier to address discomforts or misunderstandings later on. Not being too distant or too close really feels like a dance, and ideally it’s more on the teacher’s hands to notice how the student-teacher relationship unfolds while at the same time being relaxed in who we are.
Natalie, I really liked you paraphrased the paramitas and how they relate to your life. I found last week’s reading hard to get through but I will give it another chance. Thank you for sharing your perspective on these important teachings.
Kat, thanks for sharing your struggles with patience (also my most difficult paramita) and for reminding us of the Wisdom that is there, and how we can take refuge in knowing that. I can relate to how you feel about the political situation in the US right now. I think patience can also show up in giving ourselves time to know what to do that would be of benefit and not add fuel to the fire. This is very tricky when we see so much suffering and injustice around us. I hope I’m understanding your response, but apologies if I didn’t! Thank you again for sharing about your experience.
Rosie, I can learn from your take of Generosity – how you give regardless of your “sense of abundance”. I could be wrong, but I sensed Discipline in the way you show up for friends and family, even for strangers who may need food. I think we can be disciplined even if we are doing what we are called to do. Thank you for sharing.
Colin, I enjoyed reading your essay and rediscovering the meaning of Generosity. Thank you for this and for sharing your story so openly.
Hi Nikki, thanks so much for your feedback. I love the idea of thinking of the paramitas as an “interconnected web.” These are not your words but I think that’s what you’re getting at. In all these years learning about the paramitas, it never occurred to me to see them from that point of view. Thank you again!
Generosity is the paramita that feels most natural to me, I don’t have to “work” for it like I do for the other ones. At the same time, I feel like I have a lot to learn about what it means to be generous and expand the situations and ways in which I can be generous. I’m generous with material things, with my time, and with “being with in moments of despair.” Of course this is my own perception and those who know me may think differently, but I do feel that this paramita is the one that feels the easiest from the first three.
Patience, on the other hand, is the hardest. Up until I became a parent I thought I was a very patient person – and I still am for certain things. Processes that take a long time, like finding a job or training for a marathon, I can get through fairly well. But as a parent, I have the hardest time “holding it together” when, for example, I have to ask my daughter the same thing twice. I really wonder why that is. I have been working on being more patient for years. I don’t know if I have made any progress but I do try to catch myself before I make a big deal out of things. That seems to be more helpful to me than “having no expectations.” At those moments, I wish I could be more generous and respond in more gentle ways. Right there it’s one of the ways in which my generosity could expand.
Hi Kat, this is fascinating. I would love to learn more about this practice. Your essay makes me think that, among other reasons, lineage is also important to keep the practice within certain confines (or the soul of the practice), as opposed to introducing too much of our own interpretation and/or intuition. I really appreciate your statement, “While individual understanding deepens over time, the form itself does not change.” Thanks for sharing this!
Hi Erin, thank you for shedding light on the fact that we can have temporary experiences in both “camps”. That’s a nice way to think about it. While I want to further explore a middle way, there are also some nihilistic ideas that I don’t want to let go entirely – for example, some things might be pointless, and that’s ok. Regardless, in some weird way I’m excited to change my mind on all of this!
Hi Djuna, it’s interesting to read that in your experience nihilism led you towards feelings of sadness and defeat. It makes so much sense, however I never thought about it that way. As a former nihilist, my experience was a little different than yours (and it almost feels like it could be its own middle way?!). In my teens I was very involved in political and social causes and it was instilled in me that any contribution to the greater good was not only positive but essential, even if we wouldn’t see the results in our own lifetimes. Thank you for sharing about your experience.
Like many in this community, I also grew up in an atheist family. Come to think of it, my parents were probably the first atheists in each one of their family’s history. We never talked about God or even took the concept seriously. Most of those around me thought along the same lines (except for my grandparents, but they never talked about religion with me). I always gravitated towards “evidence”, “proof”, and similar ideas. Somewhere along the way – I can’t remember when or why – it began to make more sense to me to give space to a middle way, and that’s where I stand now. I believe, however, that ultimately it’s a matter of choice, as we have no evidence for neither extreme.
If I understand Thinley Norbu Rinpoche’s essay correctly, eternalism appears to be more possible than nihilism because it does not deny the continuity of mind. But again, what is the evidence for this alternative? This is something I would like to understand more about.
Staying open minded and aware of what we believe versus what might be is key for informing our evolving views and staying closer to our personal “middle way”. I’m really looking forward to seeing how my view changes and meanders over the course of this training, and to be challenged by all the different points of views and experiences here.