Suzie Amelia Kline
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I believe it’s essential to reconcile with life and let go of our small self or ego as a path to happiness. For me, this happens slowly and never completely. There is a need for reconciliation because my ego struggles to maintain the status quo vs. a more expansive and useful way of living. I believe we have to be willing to allow transformation.
In my own development, it’s been about trusting the mystery of life. This has allowed me to both heal and expand my world, to become less self-centered and more inclusive of other ways of believing, seeing, extending myself. My path took me through college, graduate school, teaching, and work as an artist and spiritual director.
But I developed a challenging anxiety disorder within weeks of starting college. I was hundreds of miles from home and didn’t have much of an idea of what to expect. I felt ill equipped to handle the most basic elements of living in community, making choices about my studies, and developing a real social life.
It took a few years for me to resolve some of these difficulties and to discover a path that would lead me to greater fulfillment. I studied education, became a teacher, studied art and invested a lot of energy in becoming an artist. Serving others through teaching and art brought me greater satisfaction. Art helped me feel complete. I could also bring it to the children I taught. Being with kids was so absorbing that it lifted me out of my anxiety and introduced me to a new sense of joy and freedom. My sense of “self” became transformed.
I now see that at each step of the way, I had to allow myself to be transformed. I had to release previously held ideas about who I was and leave aspects of myself behind. Over time, I developed the resources to serve my deeper self, others, and ultimately a higher power that I call God.
After many years of teaching, I was called to spiritual direction – to understanding that I wanted to serve in a new way. I wanted to support others to live their best selves, their higher purpose. In offering spiritual direction I continue to learn what this higher power is to each individual—whether it’s God or nature, or presence, or something else, and support them in deepening their connection with it. For me, it’s all about living from a place of greater spiritual integrity.
David, I love this example of how the practice of meditation moves you beyond ego. And I am reminded of my former days in the classroom, which were so demanding. I admire your before class practice, During the first days of a new job at a preschool, I brought in a zafu and zabuton where I sat for all class meetings. The children sat in a circle around me, as I conducted a lesson from my sacred space:)
Ann, I appreciate your blending your experiece with the wisdom of Byron Katie and Frank O. And your willingness to see and hope beyond today’s truths. I’m sorry you are dealing with illness and happy for you that you see a way forward beyond today’s ego. Blessings to you.
I am still working on holding at least two feelings at the same time 😉 I am glad my words felt supportive to you.🙏🏻
Thank you, Dominic, for sharing your experience of emergence after the loss of your mum. I’m moved by your honesty and willingness, your courage and strength.
Anne, your last line says it all:I understand suffering now in a way that has opened my heart to include myself. I appreciate your willingness to lay it out there–the difficulty of dealing with a pandemic. I’m grateful I got through it, for sure. Not always gracefully, but with a trust I would have never known had I not gone through it. Thanks for sharing your experience.
My dad died over twenty-five years ago, but his illness and death were the most difficult experiences of my life. He was 67 when he passed, after enduring two and a half years of struggle from stomach cancer. I had never known the pain I felt from losing my dad. I had never known the responsibilities that were involved in caring for someone as close as my father.
During this time, I was in the midst of a formidable struggle with panic disorder which seemed to have arisen as I became closer to a man who would eventually become my husband. I had no idea how I would be able to be present for Dad and my family, but I found the strength not just through therapy and medication, but through my personal determination and a lot of prayer. I was new at deep intimacy with a partner, surprised by a resurgence of overwhelming anxiety that had begun in college that had retreated to a great degree, and certainly new to prayer, and even to a higher power I now called God.
As my dad’s illness progressed, my mom, sister and I struggled and coped in our own ways. It was a grueling period. Even though my family and partner were around me, I felt very alone. They were not able to support in important ways. To complicate matters, my marriage and my father’s death coincided. Holding both grief and delight seemed almost impossible. While I had learned to manage my anxiety throughout the ordeal, I was now contending with the loss of a parent and a wedding. And through it all, I somehow began to know resilience in my bones, though I didn’t have a name for it, back then.
What saved me was my spirituality and artmaking, which have always been my greatest partnership. I found community resources where I could express my pain through artmaking, and sharing with others.
I leaned on an ancient ritual from Judaism. One recites a special prayer for a parent every day, for a year after their death. I said this prayer alone, almost entirely in my garden, when traditionally it is only done in synagogue, with a community of no less than ten Jewish adults. I crafted the practice that worked for me.
I studied and learned about other grief practices. Mostly, I found I could sit with an immense amount of grief, offer myself tremendous spaciousness for the feelings and slowly I transcended them. I feel grateful I was able to rise to the tremendous challenges that were before me. My experience taught me I had and have more strength than I could have ever realized.
I remain aware of my dad’s loving presence, even though it’s been over 25 years since he died.
Ginny, thank you for sharing your story of reslilience at the end of your marriage. You courageously leaned into grief and over time your life transformed.
Your brave essay moves me. Pain has always felt so personal, but through your sharing, it is a reminder that it is universal, hard as it is. I’m sorry you are experiencing great difficulty right now, I admire your willingness to explore pain and/vs suffering. And admitting you are not a ‘brightsider’:). Love your exploration of being ‘friendlier’ to yourself. It;s a term I want to understand more and more deeply when it comes to myself. BTW, do you know how we can send a PM to one another through the forum if it’s possible? I want to send something to you in addition to this, but don’t know how. Thanks-
I love this: “I brin the lineage of biology and Buddhism, quads and artists, resilient, creative, loving people.” It encapsulates all the lineages you explored. Maya Angelou’s quote and how you want use it for practice inspiration is glorious. Thanks for sharing both-
“Okay universe…what magic do you have in store this time?” This is so amazing, I love that you are brave enough to ask the question. I will try this, though it seems so against my resistance. Thanks for our honesty and thoughtful reply.
Betsy, thank you for your beautiful reply and I am so sorry you were so young when your folks passed. My Dad died when I was 39 and it was searing. Some of his contemporaries are still alive. And I have been lucky to have had my stepfather for 24 years. Truly a blessing. And it is humbling to have two parents who are 90. Thank you for your blessings for courage, love, and compassion to be there for them…and for me.