Week Two: What would your “flaw” say if you asked?
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A message from my inconsistency:
Oh, I know you think the goal is to practice at the same time every day for the same amount of time. You think consistency would prove something about your dedication to practice. Here’s the secret: I am here to make practice an important part of your life. Was the early morning filled with unexpected health-related stuff? No problem! When you get to your desk, Susan’s meditation prompt will invite you to practice. If you miss your 1 PM slot, you can always catch the 3 PM time. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Remember Lojong Slogan 16. Whatever you meet unexpectedly, join with meditation. The real goal is to be aware and compassionate. That means being kind to yourself no matter what happens. You meditate most days, sometimes more than one session per day. You are clearly on the path. You are increasing your practice off the cushion! So, be diligent but relax. Not too tight; Not too loose
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I entered the room where my flaw was waiting.
Three open chairs greeted me like questions. One sturdy and plain, one velvet-soft, and one narrow, carved like a throne. I hovered, hand to chin, trying to figure out which one was right. What would it say about me? Who would it anger? Before I could decide, a shimmer rippled in the room. My flaw, Indecision.
It didn’t walk so much as sway, a figure made of smoke and silk, never quite the same shape twice. Each breath of air redrew its outline. Sometimes it looked like an old friend, sometimes a stranger I’d once been. It smelled faintly of lavender left too long in a drawer.
“Still picking, huh?” it said, with a voice equal parts laugh and whisper. “You’ve been doing this since you were five.”
“You’ve been with me that long,” I answered. “Why?”
Indecision grinned, lips glinting like mercury.
“Why? Girl, please. You called me. You needed me. Remember the chaos? Remember the fear? I showed up and taught you how to read the room before it exploded. I was your pause button that helped you find the choice that would please the power. I’m the breath that kept you from running into fire.”
I pulled the chairs together and ended up sitting on the edge of all three, neither here nor there, and sighed.
“You make my practice so hard. When the routine ends, I don’t know what to study, what to chant, what to learn. I want to learn everything, and I end up with nothing but what I already know. I just keep circling back to the familiar.”
Indecision rolled its eyes, sending out small curls of perfumed smoke.
“Harm? Honey, I’m the reason you’re even on a path. Without me, you’d have hitched yourself to the first certainty that smiled at you and called it Truth. I’m the space between questions, the breath before belief, and the heartbeat of maybe that allows you to look deeper and be brave. I keep the door between knowing and not-knowing slightly open. That’s where awareness creeps in.”
The air shimmered. The lavender grew sweeter, lighter, until it smelled like release.
“I’m better for you than you know. The key is, don’t shackle yourself to me or try to hide behind my smoke. Just work with me, walk with me.”
I laughed softly. “Thank you for the perspective… I think?”
Indecision winked. “You’ll figure it out. Oh, and tonight when Cathy asks what you want to watch, I dare you not to say, ‘Whatever you want.’ Go wild. Pick a show, and a snack.”
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Thank you. That was so much fun to read! Your sensory description is lovely. I love “I’m the space between questions, the breath before belief, and the heartbeat of maybe that allows you to look deeper and be brave. I keep the door between knowing and not-knowing slightly open. That’s where awareness creeps in.” Your Indecision is very wise which means all you is wise.
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