WEEK FIVE ESSAY
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I feel connected to the paramitas of discipline and patience, but I find myself often lacking the generosity necessary to practice them. I am driven to understand people and help them, but I have difficulty connecting to my own inherent richness. I started on the meditative path when I realized that I had built my entire identity (my “ego”) out of fear. I had made major and minor life decisions based on what I was trying to avoid, and had little sense of what I actually wanted, other than some sense of safety.
Since then I’ve striven to notice when I’m doing that, and step out of the protective mental shell I’d built for myself as much as possible. The habit of retreating to it is deeply ingrained, but it’s not really possible to offer people what they need without stepping out of its confines.-
Andrew, I admire your self-awareness — realizing the centrality of fear in driving your ego structure — and working with that consciously throughout your life. Isn’t it always about discovering the boxes we live in and limits we put on ourselves, and gradually opening up to the greater reality? It’s a never-ending but so-valuable pursuit! Thank you for your answer.
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Thanks for sharing about fear Andrew. In my experience I’ve come to notice that myself and everybody I’ve met up to now know fear to be a very convincing advisor. Fear may be so pervasive and convincing it may show up and instill reservations to practice any of the Paramitas with true commitment and all out, like suggested in the reading about the first Paramita. Maybe because of this, the strength gained by practicing all the Paramitas, but particularly generosity as a seat of power could be helpful? But I fully acknowledge the difficulty of working to ignore the advices offered by the strong sensation of fear.
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Most connected: Generosity, no doubt.
I heard Susan’s podcast on generosity a few months ago. It wasn’t the first teaching on the subject I had come across, but on that drive it clicked. Like the last piece in a puzzle I have been working on for a long time, or the one that drops in and you suddenly see what the picture might be.
It fell into place for me that my entire viewpoint toward my own life has been shaped by a sense of something missing. This in two senses: first, material well-being – interpreting my very frugal and modest childhood environment as poverty, especially in comparison to the living situations of relations and my friends’ families.
Second, being without my mother from toddlerhood to adulthood, created a longing for a maternal figure, and a search for that kind of connection everywhere. The two influences combined, and led me look to the world with a deep wanting. Of course I did not recognize this in myself, and it affected how I approached decisions large and small.
Hearing the podcast, in a moment of recognition I saw that I had viewed everything as an opportunity for me to gain something. For example, driving past a property, seeing some old piece of equipment and thinking, they no longer use that, I could take it and use it. A momentary thought that I would never act on and would dismiss immediately, but after contemplating the teaching I understood its source.
When things were very difficult financially after the 2008 meltdown, I had a more or less constant impulse to look to others for deliverance from that particular hell. Not a limitation on my own efforts to extricate my family from the situation, but an ever-present feeling: a wanting for someone to take care of me.
Susan mentioned that generosity begins with recognizing your own wealth – measured by your own possession of innate buddha nature, the riches of your own capabilities and inherent value, the beauty and connection you can find in your life and relationships. And from that place of richness, turning it around to approach every situation with the question: “What can I offer here?”
I feel this unlocked key pieces for me, from quickly abandoning a mindset of poverty and need, however subtle it had become, to forgiving myself for a lifetime of mistakes, to recognizing that I have everything I need, right here, right now.
From that place, I can give. I now see that generosity is the foundation of all actions that can overcome even just the smallest part of the enormous suffering we see around us. Absorbing the meaning of generosity helped me realize that the teaching path could be open for me.
I don’t have a clear sense of disconnection from any particular paramita. I feel absorption and especially prajna are the hardest for me to wrap my understanding around. I think I know what they mean, at least to me, but there’s always a sense that my beginner’s understanding could easily be missing… everything. There is always more to discover, more to see.
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Wow! Thank you, Colin. I appreciated your deep looking at generosity and its patterns in your life. When I read your essay, I felt a deep warmth come into my chest and torso. I’m not sure what that feeling meant, but I just loved how your essay made me feel.
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Colin, thank you for sharing your personal story in relationship to the paramita of Generosity. I too grew up in poverty and have the same instinct – to pick up someone else’s discards just in case I could use it. (I will say that I’ve also found many good things that way, including the desk I’m currently writing at!). I never put it together though that it came from that poverty mindset and feeling like I never had enough.
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Thank you, Colin, for the beautiful sharing in your essay! I was particularly struck by “generosity is the foundation of all actions that can overcome even just the smallest part of the enormous suffering we see around us” – just, wow. If only we could plant that thought into everyone’s mind, what a place this world would be.
And just because you said this: “Absorbing the meaning of generosity helped me realize that the teaching path could be open for me” – I’m sure you will be a wonderful teacher if and when you decide to do so. It’s a joy to walk through this training with you!
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Colin, thank you for your reflection and your insights. A powerful journey of awareness. I found myself thinking of the compassion you have for your “wanting,” and how that now informs your generosity – for having deeply known wanting, you might now also know (with compassion – to suffer with) the place of the Other, and know how deeply impactful your generosity might be.
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I feel most connected to patience. I grew up in a house where keeping the peace necessitated having a finely tuned sense of the interior lives of others. I am a recovering people pleaser. There are certainly difficulties with being wired for constant emotional surveillance, but after years of work on reconnecting with my own interior life (thank you, Susan, the Enneagram, and therapy), I can enjoy my instinctual drive to understand what makes others tick. Now I look forward to connecting with all kinds of people. Interacting with other people is just the most fascinating thing! The chemistry with another person is such a mysterious thing, and even in the darker dynamics of clashing opinions or opposed objectives, there is beauty in sensing beyond the words and behind the body language, trying to feel my way to the motivation, fears, and hopes underneath, or wherever those things reside. I am very slow to be agitated and naturally shift towards figuring out the why behind the vibe. Ironically, I am much more patient dealing with significant obstacles and conflicts, and much quicker to lose patience dealing with trivial matters, as my kids will attest: )
I can struggle with generosity–definitely because I doubt my own richness. I have an irrational scarcity mentality in light of my actual life circumstances at the present moment. Past instabilities combined with my self preservation subtype (there’s the Enneagram again) may be at the root? I can vividly remember reading Little House in the Big Woods as a child and savoring the description of the Ingalls family laying in stores for the winter–filling barrels with potatoes, stringing garlic. Somehow the corner of my mind is always anticipating lack and holding on to things “just in case.” Awareness once more is spurring a slow remodel of the neural pathways, but much work to do here, especially since it is the foundation of being of benefit to others.
I am so appreciative of this space to share.
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Thank you, Melanie, for sharing your value with patience and peace-keeping. I am learning this one, and it is good to hear what the thinking is behind this practice . I loved your curiosity and appreciation about what is driving other people, and I loved that you are slow to be agitated. It sounds so peaceful, and that’s what I am working on bringing into my life. I really appreciate hearing from a PEACE subject matter expert: Thank You!
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Hi, Melanie! I so resonated with your “instinctual drive to understand what makes others tick” and your looking forward to connecting with all kinds of people, and being a recovering people pleaser. It has been so freeing for me to finally be able to let go of the people pleaser aspect (although of course it still creeps up for me in a myriad of ways), and watch how that letting go has shaped my interactions with others. Life is wild! Thank you for sharing.
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I feel most connected to generosity. I see it as an outgrowth of having a sense of abundance – I am so privileged in so many ways that it feels very natural to share. This shows up, among other ways, in my volunteering to organize community events that make it easy for everyone to share (potlucks, fundraisers, book groups, clothing swaps), inviting friends and family to share my amazing luck at being across the street from the beach, teaching everyone who wants to learn how to knit, and so on. And when I’m not feeling the sense of abundance, I’ve learned to cultivate it by giving something away. Like when money was so tight that I went grocery shopping with pencil and paper, writing down everything I put in the cart, and having to put things back on the shelves when I hit my limit, so I’d get to the cashier feeling poverty-stricken. And then at the cashier, I’d tear off the coupon to make a donation to the food bank – because if I gave something away, it must mean I have enough.
Discipline is the paramita that I have the most conflicted relationship with. On the one hand, it feels like being told what to do, and I don’t like being told what to do, even by myself! On the other hand, I truly see how essential it is, and want to cultivate it. When I first began meditating, it immediately became clear that the practice is so much about cultivating discipline -the discipline of sitting every day, the discipline of letting go of oh-so-interesting thoughts to come back to the breath, over and over. And it’s so obvious how useful/important discipline is off the cushion, in the rest of my life. (“In the Department of Duh”, as I just heard someone say.) And yet. Did I say I want to cultivate it? If I’m totally honest, I want to have cultivated it. That would make it so much easier to cultivate it! So yeah, here I am, wandering off, and coming back.-
Dear Rosie ~ I loved your description of your connection with generosity! Wow – I feel like I was given a key to the kingdom by your description of your generous life: giving is a creation. I appreciate that so much. I sometimes feel deeply generous, and I’ve learned to honor myself when I don’t feel right about giving. I think that’s okay, but when I’m feeling tight/afraid/ungenerous, I love the idea that I can open up in that place by going against my instincts (as long as I don’t create a resentment) and choosing to create abundance by giving a little something away! Love takes love, energy takes energy. I’m not sure my reply is making sense to you, but I know the feeling that reading your essay gave me, and I deeply appreciate it. Thank you!
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Rosie, what you wrote about having so little and making a donation to the food bank really moved me. Thank you for that kind reminder. I am a member of a 12-step group and one of the guys who helped me get started years ago told me yesterday, “the only thing we have to do to keep our riches is give them away.”
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Hi Rosie, I particularly appreciate your gesture of giving to the food shelf even when you were struggling to afford groceries yourself. You truly have generosity in your heart. I see how it could work in more than one way: not just giving from abundance, but giving to remind yourself of your true nature. Thank you!
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Rosie, I can learn from your take of Generosity – how you give regardless of your “sense of abundance”. I could be wrong, but I sensed Discipline in the way you show up for friends and family, even for strangers who may need food. I think we can be disciplined even if we are doing what we are called to do. Thank you for sharing.
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Ha! I want to avoid this one, but I feel i have to own the fact that my least favorite paramita is the paramita of Patience. I’ve worked on myself and learned so much about how to “stay with what is unfolding”. Most of the time now, I can rest while waiting in lines and remain at peace when things go differently than I expected. But one of the reasons I took this Meditation Teacher class was to deepen my meditation practice during a time of political crisis in my country.
When I feel passionate about something—like Constitutional democracy, a government for the people and by the people, transparency and accountability, and the rule of law—my instinct is to take impulsive action and FIGHT like hell. However, I’ve seen how that plays out in my life in so many ways. I know that adding gasoline to the fire only creates a bigger blaze, when what I truly want are the quenching, cooling waters that bring peace, well-being, and sanity.
It isn’t easy for me, but it is exciting to actively channel my SAVAGE RAGE over this political situation into PEACEFUL sitting, walking, eating breakfast, driving my car—doing everything—for PEACE instead. All through my day, I am practicing weaving a peaceful thread, an active intention for a harmonious world where we live together well despite our differences. I have a very hard time accepting and “staying with” what is unfolding in my country, but I’m doing it—in peace.
My favorite paramita is the Prajna Paramita—wisdom. Ha, ha! Not because I possess great wisdom—I don’t! It’s my favorite because I long for it and I LOVE it. I was first introduced to the chant (excuse my spelling – i haven’t seen it written) “gate, gate, paragate, parasam gate, bodhi svaha” when I was in college, and I never forgot it. I have experienced the sudden intercession of wisdom entering my mind many times. I don’t know why or how it works, but I love it when it happens. I have received spiritual insights out of the blue that have changed my life forever. I have become aware of a vast source of wisdom that I have learned to trust and rely on when it offers something to me. I know this wisdom comes from somewhere beyond my logical mind. It comes from beyond anything I know or can even describe—but it is real, and I feel deeply fulfilled knowing it is there.
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Kat, I love your metaphor of “weaving a peaceful thread”! It creates a clear image for me of creating something rich and gorgeous, calm and loving. I want to practice this as I move through the world, and, as an easier step toward that, I’m going to practice this right now as I sit with my knitting (med-knit-ation), weaving peace into every stitch. Thank you for this inspiration!
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Ha! Kat! I’m with you about the political chaos and getting so angry about what’s going on. And the moving into seeking to be peaceful myself. I loved how Susan talked about skillfully using anger during the last class and thinking of that to keep myself grounded right now. And I love the chant! I have not heard/seen that one before. Much needed right now.
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Kat, thanks for sharing your struggles with patience (also my most difficult paramita) and for reminding us of the Wisdom that is there, and how we can take refuge in knowing that. I can relate to how you feel about the political situation in the US right now. I think patience can also show up in giving ourselves time to know what to do that would be of benefit and not add fuel to the fire. This is very tricky when we see so much suffering and injustice around us. I hope I’m understanding your response, but apologies if I didn’t! Thank you again for sharing about your experience.
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I feel most connected to the paramita of Exertion (aka Joyful Effort/Diligence/Perseverance).
When I took the refuge vow, it was a surprise and delight when Susan gave me the name Tsondru Norbu, Exertion Jewel. As someone who rejected the tradition of changing my last name following marriage, I did not expect to adopt a new Buddhist name following this ceremony or even that this new name would carry any particular meaning or relevance for me. Yet somehow it feels absolutely perfect. Thank you, Susan, for that gift.
There are so many reasons this paramita resonates with me. Astrologically, I could tell you it’s because of my Venus in Capricorn in the 5th house (Venus in her joy with Capricorn energy of diligence, effort, and perseverance) with a kick from Mars in Virgo energy in my first house.
If you ask my husband what made him decide to marry me, he will tell you “persistence” (we dated for eight years while he sorted through his doubts about commitment, and we’ve now been together for more than 20 years). I find joy in putting effort toward something I believe in, even when the outcome is uncertain.
I have always liked a challenge. If you want to convince me to do something, tell me it’s going to be difficult. I might get frustrated, I might need to take a break, but odds are good I will keep coming back until I figure it out.
One aspect of Exertion paramita I really appreciate is the emphasis on the joyful nature of the action. When life gives me challenges, I will try to find the moments of joy in the midst of the struggles. One of my favorite parables is that of the Tigers and the Strawberry that I feel encapsulates this.
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Stina, thank you for your essay! As someone who wrote about exertion as the paramita I feel most disconnected from, it was absolutely refreshing to read your essay and think about this paramita in a new light, from someone else’s perspective. I now look forward to continuing to deepen my relationship with this paramita!
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I loved last week’s reading on the paramitas. It was one of those pieces of writing that left me feeling inspired and open. So many things were explained, though my capacity to digest them all is not fully developed – it felt “right.” I will paraphrase my understanding at this time: generosity allows us to be open to experiences; discipline allows us to stay on course; patience leads to nongrasping and acceptance; exertion is our fuel to keep going; meditation is the action we take that reminds us what we are practicing; and wisdom is the gift that we are given from doing the other five, which also reminds us why the cycle must continue, and why we would have it no other way.
It is so hard to identify which paramita I feel most connected to. One of the greatest gifts in my life is being able to offer, in small ways, support to others as they develop belief in their individual capacities. I believe this is me giving the gift of fearlessness. So, generosity is possibly one of the most beneficial exchanges I have with the world. My experience of life and comfort with myself have grown in immeasurable ways as I open myself to opportunities for generosity.
I also see incredible value in discipline. Progress in my life usually occurs in a sort of spiral pattern. If I didn’t continue doing the things I know are important, even when I wasn’t certain I was actually moving along a path, I would have missed out on so many beautiful experiences. As with generosity, discipline has been an indispensable part of my growth – spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, etc.
When I think about patience, I am reminded of how much patience I have had to cultivate toward myself. I have a long history of disappointment in myself, which does nothing helpful for me or anyone else. As I develop skill in all of the paramitas, patience naturally arises.
I do not feel disconnected from any of the paramitas; however, I see that meditative absorption may be the one that I could focus on developing further at this time in my life. I look forward to learning more about the last three paramitas next week. -
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Here’s the thing I love most about “Discipline.” It’s the “come back again” quality that is such an essential part of the practice. While its echoed again and again in all of the first four paramitas and met initially in our meditation practice, it is the application in Discipline that provides a container for my struggle with the obstacles of laziness, busyness and the disheartening feelings of loss and doubt; a container that helps me support the practice to ground in an expanded awareness to deeply engage my experience with myself and with the dharma studies; and a container which then points me in the direction of clear(er)-seeing compassion towards myself and others. It’s in the this-is-where-to-turn-into and come back again aspects of Discipline that help me slow down and pause when part(s) of me want to turn away, and this is what I treasure, albeit, sometimes grumpily. I can allow myself to show up to myself for permission and space to embody the parts that I aspire to and to the parts that exhibit all my various forms of flat feet. And it makes it so okay to have both that I am increasing my ability to lean into the courage to inhabit space and to make and meet mistakes with expanding kindness and humor.
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Yes! And… as I sit here on hold with an insurance company (listening to what sounds like somebody’s kid playing Fur Elise over and over again), I’m practicing Patience, by picking up my knitting, so at least I’ll get an inch of sock out of sitting on hold. And of course, my mind keeps wandering to what music I’d rather be hearing (The I’m Stuck on Hold Again Blues?) and what I’d rather be doing (anything) and then I remember to come back to the present moment, where I’m sitting in a comfortable chair, knitting with beautiful yarn. And it occurs to me that maybe all of the Paramitas, all of the wisdom could be encapsulated as Keep Coming Back.
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Thank you, Lauren. I like the sense of comfort and compassion you find in discipline. One of the things that drew me to the Open Heart Project originally was the revelation via Susan’s instructions that I could come back to the breath–start over–as many times as needed. It’s what gave me the courage to practice.
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I resonate and struggle with all of the paramitas but I’m going to write about Discipline and Patience. With the paramita of Discipline, I can commit. But I do struggle with committing without knowing if I made the right or wrong choice. I try my best to research and be thoughtful before I commit to something or someone. But then I do want a “good result”, a benefit once I make that choice. Or to avoid something if I make a choice not to do something. Going through a divorce right now reminds me that I committed to my partner thinking I made a good choice but also knowing and stating out loud that I was along for the journey. And I was. Until the end I was willing to keep learning, keep being present, keep trying again to speak in kindness or to try to build connection. Even now I’m willing to do those things not knowing the result but just trying to show up as my best and kindest self.
The paramita I find is a strength and a downfall for me is Patience. I used to be a very angry person. Combine that with a quick mind and wit and I would end up hurting people and myself, hurting relationships with my anger. At some point, I learned more self-regulation and then also read Pema Chodron’s book, “Working with Anger.” This really helped me a lot. Along the way, I became a very patient person and usually find it easy to be patient. I’m a long-term planner which requires patience to achieve the goals. I’ve worked hard on how to move into acceptance of circumstances that I don’t control as well as letting go of resentment. I also don’t tend to react to anger directed towards me with a quick anger back anymore.
But the downfall for me is that I think I swung too far to the other side. I sometimes get stuck. I’m too patient and allow for too much time to go by in my personal life for others to awaken / learn / realize before acting for my own behalf. This results in boundaries that aren’t always firm for myself and has ended up with people taking advantage of me sometimes. Or I’ll extend compassion but then not protect myself as necessary. I just continue to give myself grace around this, reminding myself that I’m still learning each day.
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Hi Elizabeth. I can definitely relate to your experience with the ups and downs of patience. I’ve also noticed that I am far less quick to anger than I used to be (again, thank you Pema Chodron). But also noticing that sometimes that anger was serving as a protective defense and feeling exposed and vulnerable without it.
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Thanks for sharing this experience Elizabeth. I very much recognize your anger and the capability which comes with your speed to hurt others. I share some of those traits and notice there is something quite ‘natural’ for this mind to launch like a predator towards others and their arguments, thoughts and behavior. Thankfully patience is a great antidote and slows down, calms and cools the predatory temperament into become more of an ally putting speed and aggression to good use as swiftness, nimbleness and energetic enthusiasm.
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Thank you Elizabeth, for sharing your journey. I am a “child of, and a product of divorce(s)” – and there could be a whole class “Paramitas & Divorce” (smile). Divorce is an incredible practice area, and I hear from what you have shared, that you are in your practices in the real-life-circumstance of coming together and falling apart of relationship (Pema Chödron, When Things Fall Apart). Whether chosen or not, it is courageous to meet it with a (shambhala) warrior’s spirit. I hear that in you. (if you’d like to connect to discuss, please reach out).
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I like to have discipline in my life, but by this I don’t mean that it has to be rigid. There are just certain things that I want to do and attend to in order to live a healthy and meaningful life. Eating healthfully, being outside, exercise, time with loved ones are all things that I strive to attend to. If I decide I’m going to do something, such as meditating daily, it usually isn’t a big problem for me to do it. So certainly discipline is a paramita that speaks to me.
Patience is interesting to think about. In some ways I feel like a very patient person. I am patient with my children and grandchildren. I am patient with my kitties (I just added #3!) I am patient with my therapy clients. I see patience in this areas as something I have a natural inclination towards, but also educating myself and practice has helped with fine tuning patience in these areas.
My struggle with patience has shown up in close relationships and with myself. Over time I feel that I have improved in these areas, but it’s been quite a bit of work. With some relationships I have just had to accept that this is what is, and it’s not about me. This concept has taught me a great deal about having no expectations. But this still continues to be hard at times. It’s a work in progress for sure. Now when I have a struggle with expectations I am asking myself, “am I grasping for something? If so, what is it that I really want?” This has been helpful because I can then determine if this is something that I need to let go of. Not that letting go is easy! A work in progress indeed!
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Hi Virginia,
Thank you for sharing about the importance of discipline. I made a commitment to exercise four times per week, four and a half years ago. I know my discipline in that area has been helpful in increasing my discipline in other areas of my life.
I have some boundaries around the food I eat which has sometimes been confusing to others. I will say I’m glad I have approached nutrition in the ways that felt right to me, especially since not maintaining some basic discipline with food makes me feel less well.
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Andrew, it’s interesting to me how you connected the need for generosity to be present to be able to practice discipline and patience. I had never thought of this! Yes, if we can be generous with ourselves about discipline it would be helpful! This sounds very gentle to me. Instead of saying “I committed, I have to do this” it could be something like, “I can be generous with myself and give myself time for this.” Thank you!
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It is hard for me to choose which of the first 3 paramitas I feel most connected to, because I feel very connected to all of them in different ways. Lately, I’ve been feeling extra connected to the paramita of generosity because, although I have always felt a sense of being a generous person, I have only recently been on a journey of experimenting with how to stay connected to my own richness (I love how Susan put this in class). It has been a lovely journey and one that I know will continue for the rest of my life. In a similar vein, I’ve felt extra connected to patience lately. The idea of “having no expectations” is something I reflect on more than probably any other concept of Buddhist thought I have learned. I’ve noticed myself really deepening with patience over the last few years. I notice I’m able to “let go” of things more easily than friends and family members. And they are often shocked by my what they would call “calm” reactions to things (and I think to myself, “I’m not feeling so calm, so what are they seeing that I’m not?!”).
Discipline is a paramita I wouldn’t have necessarily said I felt connected to before class on Saturday, but since then, I’ve reconsidered. Perhaps I felt this because I was feeling like my meditation practice was not as consistent as I hoped it would be leading up to the start of this class. But I was really struck by how moved Kristin was by the teachings in the last class, because as was I! It gave me a sort of lightbulb moment as I reflected on one of the 3 forms of discipline – gathering virtuous dharmas. As I have been practicing with Susan and the OHP since 2015, I have heard many of these teachings numerous times. And yet each time, I find myself hanging on each word, mesmerized by it all, all over again. I attribute this to the fact that the teachings are “always fresh” – something I think I heard Susan allude to in class on Saturday. I have always been shocked by how much I enjoy hearing the same teachings over and over, as I feel like I always hear them a different way and glean something new. To me, this is magic. In the same way, I feel I could re-read the readings for this class (particularly the last one on paramitas) a gazillion times and still never fully understand them (and also pick up something new with every read!).
Right now in my life, I feel most disconnected from the paramita of exertion. I am going through/about to go through a big work transition, part of the decision being about giving myself more time freedom outside of the work I do for income. I feel so content with the first 3 paramitas now, and I’m ready to go further into exertion, but I feel my current “work” status is at odds with this. In my mind, it’s like I have the energy but not the time I need to feel more connected to exertion, if that makes sense. But I’m looking forward to seeing how this paramita feels as I make the transition (and get on the other side of the transition). And at the same time, I’m not going to be too hard on myself about this, because I also read in our reading on the paramitas from last week that “exertion.. is having a sense of joy in, and appreciation of, your livelihood and your practice.” And I definitely feel that strongly!-
Hi Liana,
I love what you shared about feeling connected to generosity. There are so many ways to explore it!
I enjoyed how you described being mesmerized by (sometimes the same) teachings, each time you hear them. I have a similar experience. I think the repetition is so important because I am ready to take them in on a deeper level over time. -
Liana,
I resonate with so many aspects of what you write about; the nature of the “always fresh” quality of these teachings as they “magically transform” into the guides we need as we grow; “having no expectations” has always been what I’ve strived for as a psychotherapist, to be as truly with another as I can be and clearly, here in Buddhist teachings, being with what is; and acquiring an increasing ability to “let it go” and it’s access to a particular kind of calm-and how to meet not-calm, lol.
Thanks for the thoughtful journey. -
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The article on Paramitas edited by Judy Lief really helped me understand the transcendent nature of practicing the paramitas: “Paramita practice is based on the realization that there is no individual here seeking individual little goals.” We are more learning/practicing human decency, how to be in the world, and how to help others who are suffering. This alone needs contemplation for a while! On the personal level, my mother in my 6th grade school year book wrote: “Susan, patience is a virtue.” She wasn’t wrong. This has been primary in my personal development, growth and buddhism practice. The biggest area of growth for me has been “don’t add your own destructiveness to the mix.” Practicing this “aspiration” little by little, has led me to like myself more and have healthier relationships with everybody….so grateful. And staying mindful of “Discipline” has taught me so much: competence, self respect, staying the course, letting go. To now know better, that all the Paramitas as a whole, interact, interface, build on each other and create a worthy path…..so grateful
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Generosity is the paramita that feels most natural to me, I don’t have to “work” for it like I do for the other ones. At the same time, I feel like I have a lot to learn about what it means to be generous and expand the situations and ways in which I can be generous. I’m generous with material things, with my time, and with “being with in moments of despair.” Of course this is my own perception and those who know me may think differently, but I do feel that this paramita is the one that feels the easiest from the first three.
Patience, on the other hand, is the hardest. Up until I became a parent I thought I was a very patient person – and I still am for certain things. Processes that take a long time, like finding a job or training for a marathon, I can get through fairly well. But as a parent, I have the hardest time “holding it together” when, for example, I have to ask my daughter the same thing twice. I really wonder why that is. I have been working on being more patient for years. I don’t know if I have made any progress but I do try to catch myself before I make a big deal out of things. That seems to be more helpful to me than “having no expectations.” At those moments, I wish I could be more generous and respond in more gentle ways. Right there it’s one of the ways in which my generosity could expand.
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Hi Ana, and thank you for your essay. I especially appreciated the way you connected generosity and patience at the end, reminding us that the paramitas interact with and rely on each other in the larger space of human potential. Our article briefly described this in the comments about 36 paramitas — 6X6.
I think your comments about conditionality are also really important — for example, when you say that generosity comes easily and that you are working to expand the situations and ways you can be generous and, later, that you are patient “for certain things.” Pushing our limits, expanding our comfort zones — I think that is the work! Thanks again!
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Hi Nikki, thanks so much for your feedback. I love the idea of thinking of the paramitas as an “interconnected web.” These are not your words but I think that’s what you’re getting at. In all these years learning about the paramitas, it never occurred to me to see them from that point of view. Thank you again!
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In class last Saturday, I made a little diagram showing the alternating expansive and focusing energies of the six paramitas. Reviewing that pattern today, I feel an easier relationship with those that expand — generosity, patience, and meditation — and more resistance and discomfort toward those that focus — discipline, exertion, and wisdom. Starting at the beginning, generosity is something that feels so good to me, and I’m reminded of my decision to reduce the price of my offerings (wellness coaching, life guidance, enneagram) to zero at my last birthday. I was already spending significant time volunteering, so it felt consistent and natural to do so, and I resonate deeply with the “secret” of generosity being a feeling of abundance within myself. I have a lot to give and I am enriched by giving; giving unconditionally is receiving.
The second expansive paramita, patience, is also a comfortable one for me, but I will turn my attention to the second part of our question… I feel much less connected to the second and fourth paramitas, discipline and exertion. Even as I write those words, I feel little waves of anxiety and self-criticism arising in the form of thoughts like, “I could/should do more. I’ve started a lot of things and not gone all the way with them. I’m not sure I’m good enough to go deeper. Others won’t care or value what I do. I don’t know what the most important thing is so I do a lot of things and change direction often.”
In the face of those self-doubts, I remind myself to stay present, paying full attention with right intention, and I realize that to do this involves discipline and exertion in the environment of our distracting and upsetting world. (So maybe I’m not so far off!) And I recommit to myself and others, to draw strength from the universe and to employ it by being of service as consciously and responsibly as I am able to in this lifetime.
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Thanks so much for your thoughts on this, Niki. I appreciate your vulnerability around your challenges with the more focused Paramitas. It sounds like you give and do a lot and that many of your doubts are perhaps habitual patterns of thinking that could be outmoded. How beautiful that you are working with your mind and seeing how you are applying theses challenging principles!
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Hi Dawa — well I don’t know how to draw in this format but it was extremely simple… from the bottom or starting point, I drew arrows slanting up and outward toward either side of the word Generosity (to symbolize expansiveness), and then from either side of that word, arrows slanting upward and inward toward Discipline (representing focus), then outward again toward Patience, and inward again toward Exertion, etc. Does that help? 🙂
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I find Generosity the most complex for me, because I grew up in a poverty-mentality family, and that sense of not having or being enough has followed me into adulthood. I have identified a habit in myself of striving to be what others want me to be, and I feel like that is connected to a sense of personal poverty. I strive to be aware of those feeling when they arise and work with being genuine instead of people-pleasing.
In my adult life I have been very fortunate to have found a good career that gives me a sense of financial stability and abundance. I have worked hard to create a stable financial environment for my family. It seems to come easily to me, and I have many resources. However, I still find myself struggling with the idea of abundance, and fear of it all going away in the future is always at hand.
I truly enjoy being able to give money to charitable organizations, people and causes. I have found myself in a position, time and again, where I am able to help family members, and I usually respond with an open hand. However, that kind of generosity has to be tempered by wisdom. I have learned that a hand-out is not always the same as helping someone.
Discipline is the one that comes the most easily to me. I am a creative person who likes structure. This leads me to be highly productive most of the time. I love to have a schedule for my day, which includes yoga, meditation, self care, caring for my family and rest/recreation. I have struggled with discipline when it comes to my meditation practice, but if I incorporate it into my daily schedule, I find that I am more likely to do it regularly. When my schedule gets off, that’s when I falter with the daily meditation discipline. I also work with my mind throughout the day, and that helps me to stay grounded in my practice.
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Hi Elizabeth. I love the way you explain the need to have generosity tempered by wisdom. I’ve been fortunate to have a good career with financial stability, but I am constantly feeling a sense of guilt for not being more generous to the friends and family (and strangers) who have struggled (although, like you, I usually respond with an open hand). Having the wisdom to know when and how generosity is actually helpful and when I am simply giving something away because I feel bad about having more when someone else has less is a real challenge for me.
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The paramitas I feel the most connected to are also the same that I feel disconnected from.
Generosity for example, I feel connected to in the way that I do see actions I take as being generous. But it can also be a disconnect when I use generosity as a way to try to seek validation– consciously or sub-consciously. I can take a step back and have the awareness to see some of my actions as that. I can be a self-diagnosed people pleaser and can recognize this behavior as being “unhealthy” and not used in a bodhisattva manner (if that makes sense).The other paramitas I see a conflicting connection to is that of Discipline/Effort. Growing up a ballerina, discipline was and is still a part of who I am– coming naturally in my later years due to my studies. It can take a turn into disconnect when it becomes obsessive and perfectionistic.
I can also feel disconnected from patience in many areas of my life but have found when I am disciplined in my practice of yoga or meditation that it comes easier.
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Hi Allison, I can relate to your observations that you feel both connected and disconnected from the Paramitas, and perhaps we see this in somewhat the same way. I believe it is all about how we look at each of these transcendent qualities, and how they manifest in different areas of our lives. It is that addition of Prajna/Wisdom that makes these qualities more than just ordinary generosity, patience, etc. In following that higher directive, we can see them as part of our spiritual practice, and not just more on the “to-do list.”
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Hi Allison,
I sure do resonate with your reflection on connection and disconnection in your experiences with the paramitas and it helps me look more deeply into my experiences too.
Your example with Generosity resonates as well; it is such fertile ground for people pleasing/fawning, perhaps when you look at it in a
“bodhisattva manner”, which makes sense to me, in this way: I am reminded that I must gently and kindly (and generously) examine and identify what I am doing and return myself to the path. -
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I feel most connected to the paramita of Generosity. I think I came into this lifetime with a natural tendency toward caring deeply about the experience of others and wanting to alleviate suffering in whatever ways I could. This may sound virtuous, but it actually caused a lot of problems for me. Others saw me as overly emotional and I was regarded as a “weird kid.” Throughout my childhood I was constantly told that I needed to “stop being so sensitive” and to put myself first. Giving to and caring about others in various ways has come easily for me, but it’s not been balanced and that’s where I’ve experienced difficulties.
To that end, Discipline is probably the paramita I have the most difficulty with. This shows up in lots of different ways. The most obvious is as I’m struggling to incorporate more positive habits into my daily life and minimize those that are either harmful or don’t really add much to the quality of my life. For example, I know I’m at my best when I start my day with a meditation, but I have a long-standing habit of getting up in the morning, drinking tea, and playing NY Times games on my phone. Meditating gets pushed until later in the day or it has historically been skipped altogether. I’m trying to exert greater discipline with my morning routine which is fairly mundane, but has a major impact on my life.
The other ways that my difficulties with Discipline have shown up have had to do with unchecked Generosity which have led to hardship and/or resentment on my part. This has shown up primarily in close relationships. In recent years, I’ve been working on being more aware of how well resourced I am before giving to others. I also know that there have been times when I’ve intervened in an effort to try to keep others from experiencing pain or discomfort, but my actions ended up doing more harm than good to both the other person and to me. The discipline around checking in with myself and establishing boundaries will probably continue to be an ongoing practice for the rest of my life, but it has gotten easier over time.
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Oh Erin, you had me at wordle 😉
You know that thing about wanting ‘for’ others? I don’t know if you have children in your life, but they will knock that right out of you, in my experience. My greatest go-to reminder as a Couple’s Counsellor is “Don’t be more ambitious for your clients than they are”… think about it…it’s SO DIFFICULT! We do sometimes, as givers, need to protect all parties, ourselves first…by taking an approach of “that’s none of my business.” Do you find that? Have you found that containing boundaries are the salve for over-generosity becoming resentment?-
Oh boy I can so relate to your thoughts around being more ambitious for another person than they are for themselves! A dear friend just rekindled a relationship that had ended several years ago, and which I’ve always thought was unhealthy in many ways. And after the shock wore off, I realized that I’ve been imagining her having developed through therapy past the issues that originally drew her into this relationship. Looking back over my journals, I was surprised to see that I’ve exhausted myself several times worrying about her and trying to persuade her to move in a direction that I thought would bring less suffering for her. And would help me suffer less too! Talk about over-helping leading to resentment! Not the kind of friend I want to be, that’s for sure ☺️
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Erin!
I really appreciate your comment about the relationship between unchecked generosity and discipline. I have had to learn (painfully) that it takes discipline to hold my boundaries and that my natural propensity for service can really burn me out. Thanks for your description of that relationship!
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My patience has been tested several times as I typed this, and then lost it a few words prior to hitting submit ;P So yep, patience is confirmed to be the paramita I am most challenged by. lol?
I have not in my life so far been a very patient person. On the 1 hand that has been to the detriment of many relationships, including mine with myself. On the other, my “rush” gets things done.
Naturally, I find I quite enjoy when others are patient with me. I won’t be rushed. So I see my own double standard in action. I notice patience, as a ‘virtue’ is often coupled with other lovely traits: “kind & patient”, “gentle & patient”, “loving & patient”…in fact doesn’t the saying go “love is patient?” I certainly want to have those attributes associated to my personality – so perhaps patience is the way in?
I can say with absolute certainty that parenting has been the greatest teacher with regards to patience. Raising well balanced, happy, healthy adults… is nothing to rush! As the Mother to a 13 & 15 year old…both neuro-spicy and 1 transgender, I feel like I have been given endless chances to lean into developing patience. These opportunities will keep showing themselves! Parents will understand and chuckle here.
Menopause is proving to also be life’s little uninvited sensei. If this sweaty, hairy, grumpy process of living into my ‘middle-essence’ doesn’t kill me or leave someone maimed, I might just have succeeded in remaining patient after all 😉
Generosity is the paramita that occurs most naturally to me. I have always been a ‘Helper’ in both a professional sense, and as a personal affect. I’m glad for this, and abhor missing a chance to be of service. It does tend to have me often over-give at times, and this can be draining. I am aware
now that I need to conserve myself sometimes, energy & resources. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to do anything. I have sadly learned some lessons the hard way. The trial here has been for me to remain open and generous anyway, in a way that is safe for me. Some of our greatest personal traits can develop as adaptations to challenges earlier in life. I’m always working on making sure the things I hold as values are still useful and healthy, rather than maladaptive in the here & now. In short, I lean into my generosity with patience, so as to not get ‘jaded.’ -
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I am choosing to think of this question as “which of the paramitas is most challenging”? And for me the answer is Patience. I am a task-driven person, so I enjoy the sense of completion that arrives when I finish something on my to-do list. Conversely, when something or someone gets in the way of a task, I habitually react with frustration and – impatience!
This extends to my ability to keep my connection to this moment, this person, and giving my attention (with generosity?) to this moment, this person. Instead, I will often express the opposite of generosity by withdrawing my attention and focus and become dismissive and small. Whew! No issues there! 🙂
This can often lead to me adding my own mild aggression to the mix, which is almost always unhelpful to all concerned. In recent years though, with practice and gratitude, I have been able to notice when this impatient habit energy starts to build, and I can mindfully redirect my energy in a more constructive direction.
I try to use generosity as an antidote to my impatience, giving my attention to others in a way that usually creates spaciousness and ease. When I notice and respond in this way, it feels like I am preventing confusion. And yet my tendency to be impatient is the trapdoor I fall through more than any other. Ah, to be human!
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Mike, what admissions! Are you by chance an enneagram 8? I am, and we want everyone to “get out of our way so we can just get things done right!”
Did I see in a profile that you do work in men’s prisons? I’m sure the vulnerability you’ve shared here and the patience and generosity required to be in that sort of space, all coalesce to make your efforts of incredible value. Way to go!
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I feel that I understand patience. Being married, having children and learning meaningful things that are hard have taught me to have patience and to look at things with a long view. My yoga practice became better after I learned to let go of needing immediate outcomes. Connection and change (in the body, in perspective, in relationships etc) take time to build before they can take root.
I find generosity to be a very difficult quality. As war refugees, my family and I faced many years of general uncertainty and financial hardship. I never fully outgrew that deep insecurity and sense of scarcity. I catch myself wanting to hoard (things, emotions, experiences) and then having to reassure myself that I am doing okay and can relax. I would of course prefer to move through life from a position of inner abundance.
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Generosity is the paramita I consider every day. Busyness is my most obvious form of laziness which makes me feel that I have poverty of time. I say yes to too many things – many volunteer efforts on top of my job. One of my strengths is capacity – but I feel stretched thin. What would I do if I didn’t fill up all my time?? Probably go on retreat lol. The funny thing is how aware of this I am. This ties in to Generosity for me because time and space help me tune in to what is needed, and the ability to offer my presence/support to others. I am aware of this yet still working on it. I suppose awareness is the first step.
I also relate intimately to Discipline. I have a lot of self-discipline. But, related to what I said above, I keep myself on track a bit too tightly. But I also love that it has kept me on this path, beginning again and coming back, for so many years. A long time ago, someone I knew said on his answering machine message: I will call you back when I can give you my full attention. That really struck me back then, and especially in this age of phones and screens, I really strive to give others my full attention. It’s so much richer than multi-tasking.
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Hi Alexandra–
What a wonderful message! I can relate to the difficult balance of taking on too many things while staying fully present in all of them. Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention.” And a gift to extend to ourselves as well, to begin again and keep coming back. -
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I heard about the Paramitas for the first time from Susan last year, and found the Mindful New Year recordings very wonderful. I am only at the very beginning of my understanding of the Paramitas.
The one I feel most drawn to is discipline. Being very aware of the pitfalls of translation, I looked up the etymology of the English word “discipline”, only to find that one origin of the word was connected to “mortification through scourging oneself”. But the word is also linked to “disciple” or learner, which certainly feels more fitting.
I found Bridget Bailey’s metaphor of the river very helpful when thinking about discipline instead as “proper conduct”. A healthy river flows naturally, but is contained within its banks. If its banks are too rigid, the river will come out of balance and the flow will be impeded. If the banks are too low, there will be flooding.
So, in thinking about the Paramitas as expansion and contraction, the latter seems not to be about tightness, but instead (visiting the dictionary again) about a “conduit” or channel, about a drawing together (contraction) and about a holding together or containment. This links well with the idea of “binding”.
Bridget Bailey quoted Pema Chodron, that discipline allows us to slow down and be present. This feels such a welcome invitation; when stuff gets thrown at me (or I throw stuff at myself), instead of reacting habitually, I can feel held, can pause and reflect before responding. And this slowing down can allow me to cultivate all the virtuous choices available on the Middle Way, especially the big C, Compassion.
And this proper conduct also involves the discipline of practising over and over the simple reminder to come back gently (but firmly) to the breath. And, as I read somewhere else, practice might involve finding a “small discipline” in daily life and cultivating it.
I can’t say that I feel less of a connection to another Paramita. I do want to investigate “Exertion” more, especially to learn if there is any relationship to “Windhorse”.
The expanding and contracting nature of the Paramitas just feels like life, and breathing, while at the same time going beyond them. I’m very grateful to have been introduced to them.
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The paramita I feel most connected to is diligence. Despite my spiritual clumsiness, my inconsistency and the obstacles I encounter, I never quit. Once I decided to begin this path, I have done everything I could to devote myself to it. Gradually, seemingly disparate parts of my life have started to merge with the path. I have had stretches where I don’t practice with any regularity, but I always come back to the practice and the middle way.
I often feel disconnected to the paramita of discipline. I have an aversion to routine and regularity that has undoubtedly been an obstacle to my practice. I don’t sit at the same time every day. Without a class or a sangha, my meditation starts to slack. I genuinely don’t feel like I have the discipline to follow this path on my own. Because of this, I have really appreciated Susan emphasizing Sangha as the most important of the three jewels. I currently participate in three (3!) sanghas and I really believe that they are the steadying force on my path.
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Hi Joe, thank you for sharing. I find it interesting that you both outline that you don’t quit, and that you come back to the practice, however you feel disconnected to discipline. I wonder at this, because to me, always coming back feels like true discipline, rather than structure or routine, which in my mind seem like tools to help us practice rather than goals in themselves. This would lead me to encourage you that you do display the heart of discipline. I wonder what you think of this? Best of luck in continuing your practice, and good work in leaning into sangha!
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I think the paramita I immediately feel a strong connection to is generosity. Generosity seems to come easily to me. I find in myself a deep reservoir to give. This seems especially true in difficult circumstances, when others seem worn down, at the end of their reserve, and I find some strength or richness to help others. In my personal experience, I have always been able to find something to give to another, without some sense of sacrificing myself. I feel very grateful for this aspect I seem to possess. I do think there is a meaningful difference between compassionate generosity and the sacrifice or harm of oneself for another. In our culture (western/USA) we do seem to value this kind of sacrificial quality, however I don’t believe that is the goal or emblem of the paramita of generosity.
As Susan said, generosity actually comes from an inner sense of richness. No matter what you do possess, this sense of personal richness allows you to give and offer to others. So if I feel personal richness, I do not actually need to hurt myself to give to others. There is no transaction as such. I am not sacrificing myself, I am simply loving others.
This paramita of generosity reminds me in this way of my felt connection to the Ratna family, when I encountered the five buddha families. As an artist and human, I feel that ordinary moments are full of richness, and are meaningful. There is no where I need to go, no one else I need to be, to find beauty, meaning, and richness. The world possesses it always, and so I possess it.
This has an interesting interaction with my enneagram position as a 4, the position of deep, deep longing. It might seem contradictory that I can long desperately for deep, deep beauty and meaning, and yet find it within myself and the present world in richness. I’m not sure I can explain that contradiction but it’s true. And of course as a 4 I want to be special, so my discovery of personal richness just validates the fact that I was indeed born with seven sacred jewels of the heart and an ear for the lamentations of the universe, and my writings will change the world. 😉 haha
Though I have made great leaps in this, I think if there was one paramita I feel most disconnected from, it is discipline. I do feel that as my work in discipline has increased its presence in my life, I have benefitted greatly, as it complements other aspects of my personality.
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The paramita I feel most connected to is Patience. Not because it comes naturally to me, rather the opposite. Case in point—-once on a trip to the rainforest it took everything I had to refrain from shimmying up a tree to hand a sloth the piece of fruit he’d been sloooooowly reaching toward for what seemed like an eternity. When Susan bestowed my Buddhist name-—Sopa Lhatso or Patience Divine Lake—-I remember thinking “oh dear!”
But recently circumstances have made patience a daily practice for me; my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s two years ago. My energetic travel partner, the guy who could build anything, and especially the raconteur, had changed. He moves more slowly now, often stays quiet in groups. While some days are ‘normal,’ some day are far from it—but it’s impossible to know which it’s going to be. So I’ve had to open up to it and alas, let go of my expectations. When we travel, I can be OK with all my planning falling apart at the last moment and spending the day watching movies in a hotel room. Or that I might (gulp!) have to carry the conversation at a table full of strangers. Long hikes might now be meandering walks with the dog, who of course is just fine either way. The only certainty is that I have no control over what is going to happen, and I laugh at myself for ever thinking it was any other way.
I’m hoping that Patience has also extended beyond my little world and made me more accepting of others’ behavior. Nearly everyone is dealing with something difficult—kids, parents, jobs, spouses, houses, health—so I hope to drop my expectations of how they should act, and cut them some slack.The paramita I struggle with is generosity. Not because I feel that I’m inherently selfish, but that I don’t feel like I have something to offer. I question my own richness. The donations to good causes, that’s easy. But the gifts that take thought don’t come easily. Even the simple ones like a text to say “hope your root canal goes well” or remembering to call on a difficult anniversary. I worry that I’m intruding, that it’s too personal, or might be misconstrued. I’m trying to get better at it though. And it’s one of the main reasons I signed up for Meditation Teacher training, so that I have an offering to make, even if it’s just a better, more peaceful version of me.
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Hi Mary, I particularly appreciate your last sentence – what a beautiful impulse. It seems to me that deepening your practice to offer a more peaceful self is the very heart of generosity. Lovely!
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Hi Mary,
I appreciated this SO much. I am so sorry about your husband’s diagnosis and also recognize the love and effort and care that must be on your shoulders. A few months after moving in together my partner was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. It somehow joined forces with some spinal trouble he had and it’s been a handful ever since. We had talked of so many plans for adventure, and really live now in about a 4 block radius. I’ve traveled on my own (after years of saying “one day together” and realizing, maybe not) but our lives are different than we could have planned for. Seeing what we have at any given moment is such an effort of patience, but it does also yield treasures I may have missed. Like, we’ve become so close to local business owners! Like family.
Also: love that story about the sloth <3
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The paramita of generosity is a big focus for me, and has been for much of my life. Looking back I can see it as a basis for many of my decisions.
But it’s been complicated to apply in my life. I realize how sometimes I’ve over-helped others without paying attention to my own limits and needs. And that’s sometimes led to exhaustion and resentment. Or I’ve helped and given as a form of bypassing, to make myself feel more comfortable, or to assuage my own feelings of insecurity.
These days I practice the generosity of listening. I think it lets people know they matter, and it lets a bit of the air out of the self-centredness I sometimes (often? 😬) feel. It’s especially helpful when I’m feeling impatient, which could be the paramita I feel least connected to.
I’ve noticed that when I focus only on what I need, any obstacle can challenge my patience. When I remember, I try the just like me practice: Just like me, this person wants to be happy. Just like me, this person wants to feel loved and respected. And just like me, this person is confused and struggling. It helps me stay a little more open-hearted towards everyone in the situation, including myself.
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Hi, Dejuna…
The paramita of generosity resonates for me too, and I appreciate that you highlight “generosity of listening”; practicing with the intention of allowing others to feel heard and supported.. could/would be helpful, I think. This aspect of it felt a bit like loving-kindness &/or compassion, for me… as well. I too, am familiar with the “just like me” practice. Thank you for sharing it here, I see how it fits and could benefit both, as well. 🙂
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Hey. I’ve had an interesting journey with the Paramitas – at first introduction my perception was that they were strict rules to adhere to (pass/fail) and then a softening into guideposts on The Path. This morning as I was walking a misty Mt. Tabor in Portland, I was listening to Chögyam Trungpa’s book Work, Sex and Money. There is such a gentle, practicality to this book and its teachings – first is that my coming to be okay that I am not, and won’t be a monastic or guru (few are) – I am a “householder”, and that according to his teachings here, that this is the spiritual path, and where the work of the Bodhisattva for most of us takes place. In the practical (interesting “practical” and “practice”) world. In work, in relationship, and with money – the day to day grit and beauty of human Life.
As it happened this morning, Chapter 5 was about Obstacles to Work, and, Generosity. How fascinating – for me, I am both most connected to, and feel most uncertain toward, Generosity. As an Enneagram 2 (“‘Helpers’ characterized by a need to be needed and and serve others.” You can likely see the issue. (smile)) Generosity for me has been a dance between over and undergiving, often in beautiful giving/serving, and then ricocheting contractions of fear and resentment and confusing clawbacks.
I have an intimate in Mexico City, it’s complex (as any human intimate relationship), he is lovely, capable, a deep thinker and feeler, and bright, an architecture student. And, he is poor. He could genuinely benefit from help. Help, that I am in a position to provide. These are some of the facts. He is in need. I can provide help.
As Chögyam Trungpa goes on to discuss generosity, and as referenced in this week’s reading, Generosity as a Paramita must come from a “transcendent generosity” that is not self-concepted or self-serving. It must not be based in “looking for any reward, not looking for achievement…or personal complement to [one’s] own existence.” Or one could also say, a reward of mutuality. It is given from the generosity of soft heart. As a “helper who needs to serve” giving has often been a way of my getting “strokes” and ensuring I was needed.
Chögyam Trungpa goes on both in Work, Sex and Money and our reading, to instruct that this generosity comes from an aspiration to help, as a Bodhisattva, and that the action itself, to simply “do it” without self-confusion or over-analysis, can bridge the start, even if one does not fully “believe” that one has the capacity, or is on the Bodhisattva path. I love this, do it until you learn it, stance. And then, try again.
It seems to sum up my Paramita practice that my “transcendent generosity” inter-is with my transcendent discipline and transcendent patience, to come to a place where I “don’t get tied up in [my] generosity. [I] don’t have any hangover from giving away too much, and [I] don’t develop any heroism from giving so much away.”
As I sit with if and how I might help my friend, I realize that I am already IN the Paramita practice, because I am slowing down, tuning into my Enneagram 2 tendencies, and connection with what giving without my need to be the Giver might actually look like. It feels full of possibility.
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Clif, these are such beautiful reflections! I am inspired by your reckonings and dance with generosity. I also love the message of action, the encouragement that we are in fact capable of right action and sometimes, we just have to do it. And trust our motivation and intention to guide us. I appreciate you reflecting on the relationship between the paramitas and your enneagram position, I also found myself thinking of this in my response! Thank you for sharing
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Hi Clif,
I so enjoyed reading your reflection for multiple reasons. I appreciated your deep-dive into the complexities of generosity, particularly in light of being an Enneagram 2. I also relate most to the paramita of generosity and although I’m not a 2, I have definitely had the experience of “getting strokes” for giving to others.
As someone who lived in PDX for 14 years (until 2023), I loved your description of walking in misty Mt. Tabor. I KNOW that experience.
Thank you.
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This is a very challenging question for me to anwer, as I feel a strong connection to all Paramitas. Still, if I have to mention one with a special connection, the Paramita I probably feel most connected to is the one I sense I’ve spontaneously experienced most in my life up to now. This is the Prajna. From a young age I’ve had many spontaneous events in which I experience immediate insight, knowing and maybe wisdom, combined with a total connectedness to and familiarity with everything. The strongest event was in a life threatening situation when I was a young teen in which I acted in a way which saved the others with me, and myself. In this event I knew exactly what to do, how to do and when to do without previous knowledge or experience. I felt that I had a total sensory connection to everything around me and could foresee the consequence of every action. This helped me to navigate the situations I was involved in. After this event I was overwhelmed with energy, as if I was hit by lightening. Since then I’ve kept on experiencing this, with the energy surges momentarily overwhelming me physically. Up to now in my personal and professional life these events have helped me to seem well prepared to navigate very complex situations. I have no idea where this comes from, but it is very magical in the sense that afterwards I seem to know what is needed so I can be helpful in the situations I’m involved in. It has helped me to foresee smaller scale personal events and larger scale phenomena and play a helpful role in developments like nature and environment protection and social equality. Sometimes I just follow the clues I’m offered without knowing where it will lead. The ‘knowing’ or ‘wisdom’ of the choices, decisions and actions only becomes apparent to me quite some time after I get one of these events, usually because others question me about that. I now believe this may be the working of Prajna Paramita. If so, I’m somehow attracted to this.
The sequence in which the Paramitas are describe is still ‘confusing’ to me. I seem to experience these Paramitas in an opposite order. To me, after the ‘awareness, sensory and spiritual expanding’ events described, I become more open to go into and be in a meditative state. Since I had these events before I ever had meditation instructions, I lacked every understanding and had no ‘framework’ to attach these experiences to. This was sometimes disturbing to me, but I still sensed strongly I could trust what was happening. I could see the results of following the clues offered were beneficial in a broad sense. This made me challenge much of my upbringing and schooling, but reflecting now, I see it was with a high level of generosity, patience and discipline. It is only after I read Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chögyam Trungpa and having practiced the instructions as described on those pages that all of a sudden something clicked. I was being exposed to language and guidance which offered insight to what I was experiencing. This was a previously unknown but also uncannily very familiar space. Those pages described the awareness landscapes I was navigating as a consequence of the ‘spontaneous’ events.
Starting to meditate I was becoming aware of what is described in the reading for the Paramitas, walking about with the gomden sewn to the pants. This has really opened up my sense of joy and being amazingly blessed to experience this life with my fellow souls… I felt I was arriving home, as if I arrived at the other side of the shore, with my understanding following at some distance behing my knowing. Looking at all of the Paramitas simultaneously, I notice I do experience the ‘attack of negativity’ leading to a strong sense of frustration connected to generosity, which is mentioned in the reading on the first Paramita. This leads me to believe that on the path of the Bodhisattva this is the Paramita challenging me the most. Still a long way to travel and much to practice with. I’m very grateful to encounter this guidance offering wisdom shared with great generosity by those who walked the path before.
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Hi Glenn, What you say in your first paragraph suggests that generosity is innate in you, and that you have already been of benefit to many beings in your life. It sounds as if you have been interpreting these events and stories through the last Paramita. Perhaps it would be worth looking at them from the perspective of the others, too, especially the first. I understand that the Paramitas are laid out as a list but are also approaches or ways of looking.
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The more I explore and learn about the Paramitas, the more I grow in my understanding of their multifaceted nature. A word like “generosity” can apply to all things—-both big and small. It is both inspiring and a bit intimidating to envision the application of the Paramitas to every moment of our lives.
I have to start with the Paramita that needs both my attention and intention the most. The Paramita of generosity. The specific facet I’m focusing on here is the giving of my full presence and attention to others when I’m with them. This occurred to me earlier this week, as I was contemplating my reflection on the Paramitas, gathering and organizing ideas like cut flowers in an arrangement. One evening, I was preparing dinner when my daughter came to me. She wanted to tell me something, and as she did, I thought I was listening adequately. It was only when she’d finished speaking, and I had said something I’d forgotten the moment it passed my lips, that it occurred to me. As I watched her retreating form, I realized I’d only partially listened. Had I stopped chopping, put the knife down, and turned to look into her eyes as she spoke? No, I had not. And, of course, that was probably not the first time. So the rest of this week, I set my intention to change that. When one of my children came to me, or another family member or friend—even just a phone call—I stopped. I put down the chopping knife, the knitting needles, the basket of laundry. I stopped and stayed with the lovely person who was honoring me with their presence. And, as best I could, I gave myself fully, generously, to them in return. Did my fingers sometimes itch to be doing something? Sure! But that’s okay. If I needed to, I could have sat on my hands.
I find that in being generous to others, as these things seem to work out, I’m also being generous with myself.As for the Paramita that comes easiest to me, it’s discipline. I have not struggled too terribly with this one. It is a strong thread in the fabric of my being. But, even here, I have to be careful not to let my personal discipline go too far. I have to be watchful that I’m not creating impossible standards and expectations that ultimately lead to “failure” and critical self-judgement.
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Hi Anita,
I can really related to your reflection as I too have recently come to recognize (with some help) that I don’t always bring my full presence with others. I have a tendency to get focused on the next thing that needs to get done or musing inside of myself while others are speaking. In reading your reflection, it’s helpful to realize that bringing full presence to others is an act of generosity. I don’t know that I was fully holding that. Thank you for sharing this!
Erin
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How is it Friday night before class tomorrow? The week flew by and I feel like I’m racing to the finish line to make it in time! However, I can say that I have no trouble identifying the paramita that I’m most connected to – exertion. And the paramita I’m most disconnected to – patience.
Exertion – “having a sense of joy in, and appreciation of, your livelihood and your practice.” Without a doubt during my life there has been, and is, abundant joy and appreciation of life, my work, my surroundings, my practices. I feel fortunate that this is so and I don’t take it for granted.
Patience – oh how I struggle! Again, a lifelong challenge to be patient. I lean toward action and a sense that NOW is the time for whatever needs my attention. Well, also NOW is the time for whatever needs YOUR attention – my Enneagram One is showing.
What an interesting pairing – exertion and patience. There are 4 other paramitas where I have strengths and weaknesses that call for attention, even for compassion. A lifelong endeavor.
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Hi Mary-Beth, How great to hear that you experience joy and meaning (I am extrapolating) in your life and work. That gave me a happy buzz just to read. And we all need moments of joy, so thank you!
I suppose there is the everyday NOW in terms of getting stuff done and the week whizzing by, but then there is the mindful NOW, which is all we’ve got, so perhaps we can learn to reframe the first with the second?
And I keep coming back to the Paramita of patience and not really understanding why it is called that. I suppose many of us are primed to believe we are falling short in terms of the Christian idea of patience, but this Paramita seems to be much more about acceptance and equanimity. I am a long way from understanding it fully.-
Thank you Jo. You make a great point about patience as acceptance. Perhaps I’m treating it with too much of a secular lens. Because I am an Enneagram One I struggle with anger, resentment, and attempt to reform things when I conclude (selfishly) something’s not right. Perhaps I’ve got this tangled up because they’re entangled in me. I have been able to travel a good distance into the world of acceptance and equanimity. I am grateful. The Buddhist teachings have helped tremendously. At the same time, I realize patience will always be a challenge for me – pausing to breathe and consider before responding has not characteristically been my first action/reaction. Again, thanks for making me reconsider this paramita.
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I am so drawn to Discipline: the idea of coming back over and over and always being able to make a fresh start is so comforting. Gathering virtues and dharmas and finding new ways to be of benefit all seem to be at the very core of what we’re about here. Growth and insight is not often a one-and-done occurrence but rather a tenacious commitment to keep trying, keep doing the thing, again and again and again, and that’s how discipline seems to me.
Wisdom seems so huge, so dreamy and beyond all concept. It seems like a land very far away that I’ve heard about but I’m not sure how to get there or how to become a citizen of that country.
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Hi, Toni. I appreciate your sharing around discipline, and your connection to it. How refreshing to learn, as you cited, that it’s about “coming back”. I find that quite refreshing and encouraging, and….for me, that makes space for receiving inspiration for ways to be of benefit to others, while unfolding in growth and insight, as well as its natural integration into our being, and thus experience of living.
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Hi Toni, How to get to that dreamy place of wisdom? Susan talked last week about there being three ways, involving a king or a boat person or a shepherd (I’m not sure any more which one was most relevant to Susan’s tradition). And I drew a picture of six oars. And then our reading suggested that there might be 10 Paramitas or 36 and my boat got a lot bigger! In any case, it seems that there are ways across to that shore and various beings willing to help us get there, but it will certainly involve some work and pulling together!
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The Paramita I Both Practice and Resist
Patience is the paramita I feel most connected to and most inconsistent with. I was with a partner for thirty years. We are now separated. I was deeply wronged, and yet I stayed longer than I probably should have. Even now, I’m still tied to him in ways I don’t fully understand. Thirty years doesn’t just disappear. If patience means staying with difficulty without forcing resolution, then I’ve practiced it for a long time. I learned to live with ambiguity. I learned not to demand immediate clarity.I’m now in a new relationship. On the surface, it looks like a new beginning. In many ways, it is. I don’t spiral like I used to. I don’t demand reassurance. I can tolerate uncertainty. I can let things unfold. But sometimes I wonder whether this is truly new or simply a steadier version of me and my old patterns. Am I more patient because I’ve grown, or because I’m more guarded? I’m not sure.
What I do see is that in close relationships, I am capable of real patience. I let my partner be imperfect. I allow misunderstanding without panicking. I don’t expect him to manage my emotions. That wasn’t always true. I used to react quickly and stay wounded. Now I can pause.
But at work, it’s different. I’m quick to judge. I get irritated by incompetence. I sometimes pretend to listen while forming my response. I’ve been in my career for a long time and I have high standards. I’m not very patient with colleagues, and I’m especially not patient with myself as a teacher. I expect myself to know better.So my patience is selective. I have it in love. I struggle with it in ego-driven spaces — work, performance, identity.
Maybe that’s the real work now. Not enduring betrayal or surviving uncertainty, but practicing patience in ordinary moments: in meetings, in feedback, in my own self-critique.
I don’t need patience to hold together a thirty-year relationship anymore. I need it in smaller, daily exchanges. And I’m still learning. -
One day after becoming estranged from my biological family (I’ve lived in estrangement for over 11 years now) I wrote to an animal rescue about a long-haired kitten named Daniel. Daniel was listed as the literal perfect pet: adorable, affectionate, playful. The rescue called me the next day and said that Daniel had already been adopted, but they had Greta Garbo available. Greta was also a long-haired kitten (she’s Bengal/Maine Coon!), was found stuck in a drain pipe in the Bronx, was just a few months older than Daniel, BUT…
She had been returned by two different families. She was on her last stop at a foster home for “unadoptable” dogs. She would probably need a solo household. Some place quiet. Then the volunteer at the rescue said, “What Greta needs is someone patient.”
I still don’t know where this voice came from, but I heard myself saying, “I’m patient!”
I have since written a lot about estrangement and I really believe living within a harmful/violent family system causes self-estrangement. When I said “I’m patient!” I had only known myself in relation to this system. It was this breaking open moment when I realized that I might not have all of the information about *this* self yet.
It would take 6 months to even pet Greta Garbo, though the day I took to my near-empty apartment, she did sleep on my feet. In those first 6 months, we learned so much about how to trust each other, what routines we could count on each other to observe, what music was soothing, needing to feed her made me get to the grocery store. She has been my greatest teacher of patience, and she has shown the same to me as we’ve both learned to adjust our feral ways.
In time, I learned that there was no Daniel! He was a ruse to get Greta adopted. I have been grateful every single day since. She’s with me now and an absolute queen <3
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I feel almost connected to the paramitas of generosity, and meditation.
Generosity: Within me is a desire to give and share, to help, to offer some thing, some resource, some insight or lesson learned, benefit of following curiosity, an insight gained from a life experience(s), and challenges, a creative project or journey. The giving, offering comes from my heart while also from beyond that, from something beyond myself. By that I mean, something can inspire, push me lovingly to help beyond what my mind may have talked me out of, or caused me to hesitate; be it a decision to say yes to something in my own life, or to help others.Meditation: I am beyond grateful for meditation, as I learned it from you, Susan, about 14 years ago, which included lapses in practice, but the cumulative time of my practice, accrued benefit, and I am grateful. I was astounded by the impact of meditating 10 minutes (a few times a week, and sometimes daily for a while) via your weekly videos. I began to notice a difference in how I could “be with” stressful situations at work, and unknowns that needed to be faced. I did so, often with courage as well as brief hesitation, or anxiety… but I had a sense of groundedness and strength w/ease, as well as strength with un-ease; but..I was still standing. I know that was due to the benefits of meditation practice. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but I was better in the situations, because of meditation.
I also had times (and do, currently..sometimes) of what I’d describe as: noticing ‘what was noticing’ me & my experience, literally and figuratively. It was simply an awareness as I continued in doing-mode. It was of benefit. I also felt protected and held from Spaciousness (so it wasn’t up close, though it felt intimate i.e. caring). It’s beyond sufficient description,
I feel the least connection with the paramita of exertion
Described as the paramita of not giving up. Although I’ve not given up, I can feel dis-heartened, exhausted at times. Life can feel very complicated and difficult even for some seeming-basic things, and I feel my resilience to and response to change isn’t quick enough… i.e. the intricacies of technology, even as wonderful as it can be, it can impede the flow of getting things done, thus lethargy and delay in doing. -
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The paramita of generosity is the one that feels the most poignant to me right now, possibly because it feels elusive. The idea that “feeling connected to your own sense of richness is the secret to generosity” feels very true, particularly because I’m feeling a little short on richness and a little short on generosity. When I look for generosity and richness, I currently find a sense of depletion and fatigue. And when I sit with those, underneath there is some grief and broken-heartedness. I think somewhere under there is the path back to humanness and richness.
It seems to me that richness and gratitude are quite interlinked. At times I have been aware that gratitude is a muscle that can be strengthened with practice, and I think richness might be as well. My richness comes from delight and connection. Taking risks, seeing people, letting myself be seen. There’s something about the defensive posture of late that is precluding the openness required to recognize and celebrate those things.
It feels bizarre to write something so vulnerable as a blog post, but I think it’s probably a good thing <3-
Hi Caitlin,
Thank you for your beautiful reflection! Your thoughts on generosity, and sharing your vulnerability, were very moving. You connected gratitude with the practice of generosity, and that is such a beautiful insight. I will now also link them together in this way because it makes perfect sense to me, too. When my heart is full with gratitude, it’s almost impossible not to feel that richness, and the urge to share it. I also appreciate the way you described it as a muscle. I completely agree! Practicing strengthens our gratitude muscles, and this a great reminder to do so! Thanks!
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I am drawn to the paramitas, and I feel connected to each and disconnected to each in equal measure. The picture that comes to mind are the waves we so often reference.
Generosity has come easily to me. What can I give? What can I offer? I enjoy giving. I believe in generosity and sharing. I have abundance in my life and I feel deeply that it is meant to be shared. I look for opportunities within obstacles and I believe in finding the benefit in my circumstances for myself, but also so that should the opportunity arise I may share with others. I don’t mean push my opinion and “wisdom” upon anyone, but offer freely when asked or with permission. The abundance of which I am referring isn’t material wealth, but it isn’t material poverty either. I have personally boundaries that I have worked to establish so that I do not give myself away. This balance has been learned and I have not always been successful with it, but as I immerse myself in these teachings (I believe I am at a kindergarten level in some ways.) I experience a calming of the mental gossip and aggression. Generosity… I’ve got this. And, then my habitual patterns show up. I am the oldest of three children. I was the parentified child in a contentious divorce of the 1980’s. I wasn’t really the oldest because my father had a daughter seven years before me. (That became complicated in later life.) I was loved and never felt deprived or wanting, yet.. there is deprivation and wanting in the deep bed of that river. And, the obstacles of generosity present themselves. I am generous, but this is getting hard and I do not want to remain open. I want to close myself and hold tight. This is the opposite of generosity, isn’t it?
Then there is discipline. I am committed. I keep coming back. I am an expert returner. I value discipline and I am drawn to the necessity of practicing discipline every day. I’m not rigid in this, but intentional and consistent. I think this is my most connected paramita, but wait – do I come back quickly enough? I am not equally disciplined. My room is not perfect, my exercise regiment is not as consistent as it “should” be. My work to do list is on par, but my housework to do list – not so much. I keep coming back though. I return.
Patience. I have cultivated patience. I have said yes to living and working situations that this quality is a means for survival. My meditation practice has gifted me the ability to hold space. I joke that I learned to never pray for patience because it in doing so I am guaranteed to be presented with opportunities to practice it. It’s interesting to me to reflect on overcoming other’s destructiveness without adding my own to the mix. I find accepting and recognizing “what is” helps to let go of expectations. And yet again, this paramita to which I feel so connected is tested in me and I add my own aggression. It’s not often in an outward way, but constructive or not I lose patience.
“It means crossing the turbulent river of mental gossip and continuous passion, aggression and ignorance… Paramitas are based on not holding on to your personal territory. When you become a bodhisattva, you are going beyond habitual patterns altogether.” Chögyam Trungpa: The Bodhisattva Path of Wisdom and Compassion.
I am drawn to each of the paramitas. I believe in human decency and I want to be part of the solutions for a better humanity without adding to the problems in the world. I feel confident in these qualities, and then the turbulent river of my mind gets in the way and challenges me. Will I ever get beyond my habitual patterns? Will I succumb to the mental gossip and continuous passion, aggression and ignorance that tries to creep into that space I so desperately try to hold? I again am left with more questions than answers, but also feel a profound sense of gratitude for having found or been lead to these teachings. I am also grateful for the opportunity to share these thoughts. This feels like the boat and I am not crossing alone but with my spiritual captain and friends.
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I have always leaned on discipline & exertion as strengths to find my way through life. Born in a rural setting in conservative part of India, I found that, the world wasn’t organized to my advantage. I faced huge barriers to my growth, freedom and just my way of being in the world that did not seem to fit the norm. So, I poured myself into working harder and harder to find my way out of there. It worked and it became the “formula” for success in life. No goal too difficult to achieve, no mountain too high to climb, no barrier I couldn’t crash through with single minded focus and relentless effort. I can frankly say that, I have accomplished everything I dreamed of and more … and yet, here I am, seeking refuge in the buddha, seeking solace in this sangha and still trying to find my way …. to what? What brought me here?
As I reflect back on my journey, I realize, I did not understand the true meaning of discipline and exertion and definitely lacked the balancing spaciousness of generosity and patience in my bearing. My approach to discipline was harsh and unrelenting. I tough-talked myself to do more and be more. I berated myself if I felt tired and couldn’t stay awake late into the night studying, after whole day of school and house chores. I worked hard until all joy leaked out of the very tasks I had once enjoyed. I became depleted and burnt out until I stumbled into the buddhist path where self-compassion and loving kindness are the foundation for being. These were the qualities I had once considered a sign of weakness. I am finding my way back into these very paramitas that I feel most connected to by incorporating the tenderness I lost. I am connecting with discipline of self-care and of caring for others around me. And ensuring exertion on tasks that bring joy not just mindless hard work. Patience and generosity still seem too far away for me – but I am finding my way one step at a time.
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Part 1 – I have gone back and forth about adding this part of my reflection to my public essay. I want to be part of a Sangha without fear and honesty is an important part of that. Here goes. I really struggled with the reading assignment and, as such, I put off completing this essay. I am not interested in reading CT’s advice on practicing the Paramitas, or anything, really. The first line of text follows that “Paramita practice is based on human decency”. If I adopted a mind that the author is expounding on the practice from an intellectual understanding based on many years of study, rather than someone honestly demonstrating a good example of walking and talking the Bodhisattva’s way of life, it was a tiny bit easier to place his words on my mental continuum for the purpose of completing the assignment. I acknowledge that no one was forcing me to read it. It was assigned and I chose to read it. I am also not intending to create a schism in the group. I have been studying and practicing secular (Tibetan) Buddhism in the west for 25 years, although not in the Shambala tradition. Being asked to read this particular text by CT to support my learning on the topic of the Paramitas was an obstacle for me. What helped me complete the essay was going back and listening to the recording of Susan’s lesson on the Paramitas to our MTT and noticing what came up for me then. I am here to study and practice with Susan and this Sangha. Lineage is deeply personal and also complicated and complex in modern times in the west – or always and everywhere. I encourage Susan to consider the Paramitas, all six, as a topic for one of her future books. If, as Susan shared, there are not books on the Paramitas but they appear elsewhere and here and there, please write one. It will be impactful, and help many people on their path. Let’s clear the slate. Take what was helpful from the past and move forward while continuing to share pure Dharma. Thank you.
Part 2 – Now for my (second) reflection on the Paramitas. At this time I am feeling connected with exertion. I loved this teaching on the Paramitas from Susan and with our Sangha. Receiving clear instructions, live, from a teacher who I connect with and as part of a Sangha, is so amazing and also hard to describe the experience in words. One of those experiences is energy. Not to overly gush; since finding Susan and the OHP I have felt reconnected with my practice and energized. I was part of a Sangha and studying to be a teacher in that tradition around 20 years ago. Then I moved away to attend a PhD program. I fully intended to keep going, continuing my Buddhist studies and completing some very meaningful retreats. But I was living in a location without a local Sangha or teacher or modern ways of connecting that we have now. I was alone, and over time became disconnected. It was so difficult to continue on my own, receiving recordings in the mail on CDs with occasional in-person events, before the time of virtual, live teachings and Sangha gatherings. My heart connection to my Geshe did not fade, but when he passed away at the age of 91 in 2022, I started looking around for other teachers and Sangha formats. In studying the Paramitas for this week’s homework, I went back and read my Geshe’s teachings on the “six Perfections” in his Guide to the Bodhisattva Vow. I found many similarities, but also some refreshing differences between his words and Susan’s that helped some concepts stick in a new way. Hearing those again in a new way from Susan was powerful and motivating. I am not sure if Susan and the OHP will be my forever home, but they are definitely part of my path right now and I am excited about where this meditation teacher training with the OHP will take me. Thank you.
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I feel most connected to the paramita of discipline. Largely this connection stems from my own habit of relentlessness in coming back to a state of mindfulness and feeling pleasure in developing patience. It is because of the desire for wakefulness that I fall back—as a form of discipline—on trusting the practice and living out a life of virtue. In concert, this discipline is reinforced from the act of straying away from a sense of wakefulness. As I drift my attention out of the present moment, I have to use discipline to come back to a sense of presence. I feel most connected to this paramita because “the” discipline and “my action of” being disciplined feel like the safety net or guardrails I can find comfort in. By staying within them, I can take refuge in the present moment and know that I will love myself through whatever feelings or circumstance arises.
I feel most disconnected to the paramita of strength/power. This disconnection comes from falling into the trap of comparing to others. Meaning, the cycle that diminishes my connection to strength goes something like this: not overtly sharing knowledge/wisdom, seeing other people “share the thing,” see the positive social reward/acceptance they get, then feeling insecure because I didn’t “share the thing first” (not like they did either 😉 ). The cycle reinforces feelings of scarcity. What’s strange is that I also feel deeply that in order for myself to be free of suffering we all have to be free from suffering, no exceptions. Yet, when I see someone working towards their own liberation and sharing the wisdom they have gained along the way, panic is sparked in me. Questions arise, like “Well if they shared this wisdom then would it be inauthentic or perceived as copying if I did, too?” “What is my true path that is unique to me?” “How am I supposed to be of benefit to the world?” “What’s the point of me trying to share wisdom if someone else has done it already?” (Or worse) “I believe someone else for sharing their wisdom, but would anyone take me seriously?” Almost all of these questions stem from insecurity. None of them really matter. What matters is that I live a life of virtue and aspire to be of benefit to all sentient beings, regardless. Hopefully the paramita of strength will follow.
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