Week Five Essay
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Kelly Newsome Georges.
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October 5, 2024 at 12:06 pm #79500
Susan Piver
KeymasterHow can you reconcile letting go of self as a path to happiness? Do you think this is possible? If so, please share an example from your life about how this might work.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CzMTHuJROtroy6K39UCQz9e00uBJ_0og/view
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October 7, 2024 at 4:44 pm #79509
Karen Daughtry
Participant“Letting go of self” brings to mind Chogyam Trungpa’s definition of ego, which he says is “holding on to one’s existence” (in the Paramitas article that is for this week’s reading). The practice of letting go of self, letting go of the ego, can be a path to happiness, even if it is a goal that is elusive. As any human being can attest, there are challenges and obstacles built in to our attempts at selflessness, or egolessness. But Trungpa advises us to “not regard the ego as an enemy or obstacle, … regard it as a brussels sprout that you cook and eat.”
This comparison of the ego to a Brussels sprout made me laugh, and it made me think: What happens to the Brussels sprout when we cook it and eat it? It gets hot and softens, it gets processed by our digestive system and provides nourishment to our cells. The components that are unusable are eliminated. It all has the distinct quality of assimilation, in a highly useful and helpful way.
The ego is similar to the Brussels sprout in its utilitarian purpose and its ultimate assimilation. Is letting go of the ego a path to happiness? Yes, and it’s possible, if only for short stretches of time so far in my experience. Perhaps as my meditation practice and my Paramita practice proceed, egolessness will be able to stretch into longer periods of time.
As an example from my own life, I was a guest at a wedding dinner this weekend, and the lady seated directly to my left was from the Philippines. Somehow she mentioned their former President Duterte’s authorization of “extrajudicial murder” — and that was the phrase she used. To my surprise, she was highly in favor of Duterte’s murderous regime in her country, and she stated that he made the country safer.
At first I wanted to object and persuade her that his actions were criminal and constituted severe human rights violations, but I internally weighed the possible outcomes of such a conversation and decided that it was unlikely that my words would change her viewpoint, especially since she is a citizen of that country. She already has heard all the arguments, pro and con, and for me to try to influence her would just be an exercise of my ego. Brussels sprouts were not on the menu, but if my ego can be eaten like one, I could feel the fullness of that as it digested. Did it nourish me as it was assimilated? I believe that, with awareness, it certainly did.
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October 8, 2024 at 3:05 pm #79515
Kate Wolfe-Jenson
ParticipantThanks, Karen, for delving into the symbolism of ego as Brussels sprout. You added a new level of richness. Your story of the conversation with the Phillipina is instructive. These days, I find myself asking (internally) “are you saying this to connect with the other person or are you proving that you’re right?” My ego is on a quest to make itself solid and eternal when, as you point out, it is better soft and digestible.
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October 9, 2024 at 3:29 pm #79540
Betsy Loeb
ParticipantThanks, Karen, for your insights and they are so well-written! As Kate mentioned, your relating to ego as Brussel sprouts gave me deeper meaning (& laughter) to Chogyam Trungpa’s definition. And, what wisdom that you caught yourself wanting to “convert” the Philippine woman to your point of view. I find that especially true for myself with others during this intense lead up to our elections in the USA.
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October 11, 2024 at 11:35 am #79561
Helene Melancon
ParticipantHi Karen,
Chogyam Trungpa’s suggestion to see the ego as a Brussels sprout rather than an obstacle made me smile too! (Especially as it’s certainly not my favourite vegetable).How delicious to follow your reflection on the cooking, digesting, and assimilation. It made my understanding of this parallel with the ego easier. Just like your example of your restraint during that conversation at the wedding, where your discernment and awareness softened the experience.
Thank you for this lesson in wisdom.
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October 8, 2024 at 2:46 pm #79514
Kate Wolfe-Jenson
ParticipantA few days ago, my friend Doug called me panicked about the upcoming US election.
“If the wrong person wins,” he said, “we have to mobilize. No matter what, there’s going to be violence. What will we do?”
His voice was high and tense. He was remembering what things were like here in Minneapolis after George Floyd was murdered. Those were scary times, with demonstrations, riots, fires, and looting.
Before his call, I was deciding what to eat for supper and what to watch on TV – totally focused on my own comfort and entertainment.
But Doug was really worked up. It was easy to put my needs and wants aside and be there for him. We – along with a handful of other people – are working with the book The Quaking of America: An Embodied Guide to Navigating Our Nation’s Upheaval and Racial Reckoning. It’s predictions of political violence may have been contributing to his panic, but it also offered some words of wisdom.
“These are times of great peril and great possibility,” I told him, paraphrasing the book. “We do not and cannot know what will happen. As the future unfolds, we can act from the best parts of ourselves.”
We breathed together for a bit, calming down. We talked about what “acting from the best parts of ourselves” might be like. (It’s unknowable, which makes it a good subject for conversation.)
It was easy to let go of my “personal territory” when I heard the distress in Doug’s voice. Before the call, I was an individual seeking my individual little goals but, on the phone, we were together in warmth and sympathy.
The “I” who writes this is less solid than I pretend she is. When I remember that – even for a few minutes – my heart opens.
Now, what’s for supper?-
October 9, 2024 at 3:35 pm #79541
Betsy Loeb
ParticipantDear Kate, It sounds like you are reading a very interesting book especially with these times of growing tension leading up to our elections in the USA.
Doug is so fortunate to have you as a friend, as someone he can be genuine with his feelings. I appreciate how you left your own needs (of hunger) to be with him. And, to relate with him on your common experience of reading the book with the reminder: “As the future unfolds, we can act from the best parts of ourselves.”
I appreciate that quote. It is so universal as a reminder to all of us regardless of circumstances. It’s a gentle reminder that we can only act with who we are in the moment and be kind to ourselves and have the intention to “act from the best parts of ourselves”.
With great appreciation to you for sharing your wisdom with all of us, Betsy
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October 10, 2024 at 4:02 pm #79553
Sanjida
Participant“We do not and cannot know what will happen. As the future unfolds, we can act from the best parts of ourselves.” Thank you for sharing this quote! Such a simple, straightforward reminder (along with the reminder to breath).
I’ve written it down for myself as a reminder, and put “The Quaking of America” on my reading list!
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October 11, 2024 at 10:02 pm #79590
Jenn Peters
ParticipantOh wow, Kate—that is so powerful. I really felt the emotion in this post. As Canadians, we are sort of witnessing this upheaval from the backseat, but whatever happens in November affects us, too. My heart goes out to you—this is such a tumultuous and painful time around the world. But I really loved your exposition of how you were able to put your own personal “self” to the side to really be there for your friend. I also loved your depiction of this juxtaposition of what you were doing “before” this convo and what it propelled you into. That book sounds great too – defo one for to add to my TBR pile!
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October 12, 2024 at 12:25 am #79595
Rena Meloy
ParticipantThanks so much for sharing your story, Kate! Similar to Jamie’s writing below, I am struck by how another being in need can “pluck” us out of our own little ego universe and call us into service (and into the “the best parts of ourselves”). There’s something so uplifting, to me, about what this says about humanity….and about our capacity for egolessness (or at least a LOT less ego) when we are called to help one another. <3
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October 18, 2024 at 6:25 pm #79689
Kimberly Hillebrand
ParticipantKate, thank you so much for sharing the story about your friend Doug’s suffering and how you comforted him. The way you responded to him was a lovely example of “acting from the best part of ourselves.” I also appreciate your second to last line about “the I who is writing this.” I’m not sure why this sentence impacted me so deeply. Maybe it’s the visual that popped into my mind as I read your words and the connection with an open heart. Lots to contemplate from your wise words. Thank you for sharing them with us!
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October 9, 2024 at 1:25 pm #79533
Betsy Loeb
ParticipantHow can I reconcile “letting go of self as a path to happiness”?
I think that the “self” or “ego” as “holding onto one’s existence” as described by Chogyman Trumpa Rinpoche in this article helps me to see how claustophobic my life could be. I know that when helping others to feel happy, I, too, feel happy. And, I don’t mean it in a transactional way.Is it possible? I think it is. I think through practicing meditation, becoming familiar with my own mind, my old habits and practicing the paramitas, this can arise naturally.
An example: I feel this naturally with being with my grandsons. I think it comes spontaneously for many reasons: I was an early childhood educator and know how important positive experiences are for the well-being of a child’s development. I also feel daily the upheaval in our world where I see the aggression that arises from a “me first” attitude and a scarcity mentality. I think my study of Buddhism has provided me the framework to understand how supporting one another can change the world.
Is it always easy? No. In fact, just yesterday I was at a new carwash. After the young man showed me my car to see if everything was alright, I noticed a twenty dollar bill in my cup holder. I asked him where this came from? He said it was caught within the seat cushion. I was so surprised and impressed with his action. I, however, tipped him with a $10 bill when shortly after I realized that I should have tipped him with that $20 for his honesty and good work. I felt terrible. I could see that I had a scarcity mentality and lacked generosity. Had I given him the $20 I imagine he would have been happy and I would have, too!! Not the same, but I have contacted the business to let them know about their good & honest worker.
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October 10, 2024 at 3:00 pm #79550
David Minarro
ParticipantBetsy,
As an elementary teaching myself, as you say, I find it very comforting and valuable to know that, to the extent possible, you are helping these children build positive experiences during childhood that will hopefully help them in the future, and that has something about emptying yourself of your own self-centeredness that is very liberating and makes you feel really fulfilled.
I love that you called the business again, I have no doubt that that worker will never forget that gesture of generosity on your behalf.
Kindly,
David-
October 12, 2024 at 8:56 am #79605
Lianna Patch
ParticipantBetsy – such a cool moment of seeing the goodness in someone else, regardless of whether you tipped him the full $20 or not. (I bet he’ll remember that you called the car wash and spoke highly of him long after he forgets how much you tipped, if he hasn’t already.) Thanks for sharing this.
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October 11, 2024 at 5:55 pm #79584
Anne Dooley
ParticipantDear Betsy,
Thank you for sharing your car wash story. Our scarcity mentalities are so hard to overcome! I find tipping to be awkward, even when (especially when?) I’m very motivated by gratitude. The moment that stood out for me in your story was the brief conversation you had with the car wash employee. I expect that was a really good moment for him, to be seen as he was: a good and honest worker.
It was really lovely to call the business. (Don’t forget to be generous with yourself!:) -
October 12, 2024 at 7:28 am #79600
Christine Masi
ParticipantBetsy
What a simple yet profound story. Amazing how everyday experiences present us with lessons
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October 9, 2024 at 2:50 pm #79538
Jana Sample
ParticipantPondering this idea of letting go of self while currently surrounded and overwhelmed with news of tragedy and danger and loss and suffering… I am feeling an intense amount of grief for and frustration with this current state of the world that has been born from ideals of individualism, self-importance and greed. And it feels so incredibly clear that the antidote to this is letting go of self and caring for the collective, and that the result would be at least a bit more happiness for all of us.
But I think the day to day reality of living in this world makes it very difficult to remember all of this in each moment. Many/most of us have been through our lives consistently fed an idea that we must put ourselves first and hoard whatever resources we can in order to be “safe” and “comfortable” and therefore “happy.” Living life through this lens makes it quite difficult to routinely consider how my actions will benefit others. And these ingrained ideals are not easy to shed, not for lack of trying.
Francis Weller talks about the great forgetting, as in the forgetting that we belong to each other, that it is our deep nature to be in community and to care for one another. He also speaks of this modern idea of rights over responsibility, like the individualistic nature of defending one’s perceived rights over the responsibility to take care of the greater world around us. I think about this a lot lately and it seems to apply in this context as well.
In terms of how I see this manifest in my own life, I can say with certainty that a consistent meditation practice brings me into a much more expanded state of awareness, where I am more regularly able to see past my own wants and needs and give of myself more freely.
In the last years I’ve gone through some periods of intense financial scarcity / insecurity and this put me into fight or flight / reptilian brain mode in a way that I’ve never before experienced. This is also not easy to shed – even when I’m not seeing the same level of scarcity in my bank balance, I’m still feeling it (if not now, maybe right around the corner). And I can see clearly how it has led me to a state of self-preservation and self focus that leaves very little room to think of how I can be of service to those around me. In the times when I was worried about being kicked out of my apartment because I could not pay the rent or needing to choose to between eating a healthy meal or having a ride home from work rather than walking 1.5 hours, it was difficult not to focus on my own needs. The glimpses of letting go of self during that time came, as I remember now, really only through my meditation practice and were incredibly moving and necessary for me to stay grounded, present and calm in my existence.
So, I do think it’s possible, yes. I don’t know how it’s possible to consistently, moment to moment, let go of self while living in this capitalistic society, especially the more urban parts of it. But I do see that it can be possible to catch enough glimpses of this letting go to carry the spirit of it with me, at least many days. And I’m absolutely up for the challenge.-
October 10, 2024 at 2:49 pm #79549
David Minarro
ParticipantJana,
The final part of your answer, when you say that it is only possible to perceive or achieve that state of egolessness during only certain glimpses, reminded me of what Susan mentioned last week, about how we can only become totally free of our thoughts during the meditation through small gaps that occur after exhalation. Therefore, I am glad that on your path you are experiencing these flashes of great awareness and wisdom. And by the way, I’m glad your financial situation has stabilized too.
Warmly,
David -
October 11, 2024 at 1:44 pm #79572
Helene Melancon
ParticipantJana,
You talk about how “the day to day reality of living in this world” can make it difficult to get in touch with letting go of self and place our energies towards others. It resonates with me. I love that you perceive your steady meditation practice as a discipline that broadens your awareness beyond your own desires and needs. I feel the same way, it’s such a good starting point daily for me as well. Your example of experiencing hints of letting go of self that came in meditation during your tough situation, is eloquent and extremely touching.
“Enough to carry the spirit of it within me”…
Vibrant to read, thank you.-
This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by
Helene Melancon.
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This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by
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October 9, 2024 at 3:08 pm #79539
Helene Melancon
ParticipantI am impressed by Chögyam Trungpa’s description on how to live as a Bodhisattva, how to apprehend one’s life with this extraordinary perspective.
I find it revolutionary to work with paramita practice with the nuances he mentions, to remind us of who we are and our interconnectedness, to live to alleviate suffering and offer happiness and peace.
With perseverance, is it possible to lead a life with these six fortifying disciplines, equipped with bravery and a generous heart? To “exercise goodness” as Chögyam Trungpa explains, to do its work, while staying open to being surprised, where to respond creatively, and venture to always walk towards the edge of where trust is felt?
I view it is about caring healthily for Life through one’s life. I want to learn to rely on the power of not knowing to guide me.
“When we let ourselves hang out in the space of not-knowing, there is enormous potential, and life could unfold in innumerable ways.” – Kaira Jewel LingoAn ordinary example from my life where I experience putting into action non grasping is driving…This is a place where impulsivity, recklessness, exasperation coexist : I complain aloud, those who go too fast, too slow, the snow trucks, imprisoned in traffic, you get it…The craziest thing is that six days out of seven I’m alone in the car, reacting like a tense bozo to others who don’t hear me, so only I am the recipient of my unpleasant comments.
I glued a picture of a Buddha statue tied up with a safety belt on the glove compartment. Transformation occurs with time but still, it is a generous area of working with letting go of Self that never fails to remind me that I’m holding on to my way, my time, my speed, my territory, my, my, my. But what is happening that morning in the life of these people I encounter on the road? Who is this I that feels it tolerates their nuisance and is able to judge them? As hooked up as I might seem to me, festering with impatience, my heart melts when the radio reports sad news of bumps and accidents about traffic.Years ago, Thich Nhat Hanh came to Montreal and one of the meditators was responsible to drive him from one meeting to the next. After a few days, Thich Nhat Hanh said to him: “I am going to offer you a gift”. Thich Nhat Hanh had noticed the motto written on the license plate of cars of the province of Quebec “Je me souviens”-“I remember”. “Every time you will be waiting at a red light or lost in traffic late and nervous” he said, “you will see this and “remember” to pause and breathe, to take in a “fresh” perspective as he loved to say.
Instead of obsessing about it, can I remember this “gap” and feel life in? To teach the mind by remembering, before its own stories kick in? A dear present, an invitation to feel the uniqueness of this space and to take care of it.When I manage to start the day by remembering to remember, in my car I rejoice.
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October 10, 2024 at 10:46 am #79542
Helene Melancon
Participant*(I can’t figure out how to edit my essay. Here is the sentence I missed at the end of the 2nd paragraph): “Clear the way. Help let them in. Let them through. Wait. Smile. Also, something bigger may be at play”.
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October 10, 2024 at 12:19 pm #79543
Betsy Loeb
ParticipantDear Helene,
Glad you shared that last part! and your essay was so filled with teachings. And, driving seems to be a universal concern. It seems daily that someone talks about the difficulties in the speeds and recklessness by many drivers. I can only hope that more people will become aware of our own tendencies and help to make driving safer. -
October 11, 2024 at 1:10 pm #79571
Ginny Taylor
ParticipantHelen, I appreciate the Thich Nhat Hahn story. As someone else who spends a lot of time in the car commuting, I like your idea of taping a Buddha image to the dashboard as a reminder. I recently bought a Pause bracelet which buzzes gently every 90 minutes for just this reason, to remember to pause and be aware. Thank you so much for sharing this reflection.
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October 11, 2024 at 7:44 pm #79587
Rachel Hirning
ParticipantHelene, Thanks for sharing the Thich Nhat Hahn story. I think that is a way to make the intangible tangible. Plus, it is so simple! …”and to feel life in”. So beautiful. I also resonated with your ‘my my my’ and love how there is opportunity there to slow down and pivot while you drive. I go to Denver fairly often (about 3 hr drive) and find myself antsy during it. I just want to be home. I, I, I. What if I invited in patience and was with patiend during the drive? How would that change things? Gosh, my essay was so elaborate about art and all of this and yadda yadda yadda. I so love the simplicity of what you have offered. Thanks for sharing, Helene.
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October 11, 2024 at 10:08 pm #79591
Jenn Peters
ParticipantWow, Helene! I never thought of the “Je Me Souviens” plates in this way – that is going to make me always see them in a different way now and I’ll always think of Thich Naht Hanh now, whenever I see one. Thank you so much. And your notes about driving – so true! Love it.
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October 11, 2024 at 2:12 pm #79574
Kate Wolfe-Jenson
ParticipantThanks, Helene, for the story about Thich Nhat Hanh and telling us about the Buddha on your glove compartment. Both teachings will stay in my mind and be present with me on the road. Thanks also for introducing me to Kaira Jewel Lingo. I am enjoying reading more from and about her.
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October 12, 2024 at 7:35 am #79601
Christine Masi
ParticipantDear Helene
Thank you for sharing your Thich Nhat Hanh story. I always resonate with simple practices we can weave into our day to day lives!
Also, as Kate said thank you the quote by Kaira Jewel Lingo.
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October 10, 2024 at 5:16 pm #79554
Dominic Young
ParticipantHow do I reconcile “letting go” of self as a path to happiness? Damn good question! What is it we are “letting go” of exactly? What is self actually? From a relative point of view, the self is ego or small selfish self always having a personal agenda of; what do I get out of this or that? Ego is always being “in your head” and doing things that may be good and very helpful, but always with the view that “I” will get something in return for what “I” am doing. It has a very transactional quality. As Trungpa Rinpoche says “holding onto one’s existence”, not to say that we shouldn’t do good in the world, we definitely should, and doing so is great! But are we doing so to prove that we exist or that we are more important than others? We must try to be mindful of why we do what we do and why we are doing it.
From an ultimate point of view, Self is beyond concept, beyond knowing, and way above my “pay grade” to fully understand or comprehend. Maybe in another life, I will be able to understand or explain ultimate Self, but for now, I will leave that as unknown to me.
I do think it is possible to “let go” of self, the relative self, at least in a moment-to-moment way. As our lives are a series of separate moments strung together so closely that we rarely see that this is the case and think that it is a continuous string. My meditation teacher and many profound teachings have called this emptiness or momentariness. When we can “let go” of self, of grasping onto self there seems to be an openness, we can be vulnerable, and drop the “suit of armor” protecting our self. We realize at that moment that we are free, open, and spacious because there is nothing substantive there. True happiness is an open and broken heart. Sounds like a contradiction, I am and I am not, but it isn’t a contradiction somehow.
An example from my own life, I will share, is when I am in a coaching session, a real coaching session. I ask my client a question and then just pause and be open to listening without any expectations or listening to respond. In a way I am “empty”, and just sit there in the silence as my client ponders the question. For a few moments, there seems to be no “I” or “other”, just open space, open experience and that is all there is in that moment.
It is very momentary, but I imagine that is what letting go, even for a fleeting moment feels like, as Trungpa Rinpoche says there is a “gap”. As for letting go of self in a more permanent way, I will leave that to those masters who have fully realized their true nature. That isn’t me for sure, not even close, whatever that means. It is a good aspiration to have though.
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October 11, 2024 at 1:06 pm #79570
Ginny Taylor
ParticipantDominic, I appreciate your response which has expanded my own understanding on this week’s reading and the idea of egolessness. These words of yours really struck me: We must try to be mindful of why we do what we do and why we are doing it. And that “True happiness is an open and broken heart.” It does sound like a contraindication to be happy and broken, but as I’m learning more about the dharma, I’m beginning to lean into the contradictions. Not that I understand them, just that there is something there worth leaning into. Thanks so much for your reflection here.
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October 11, 2024 at 3:31 pm #79578
Ann Harmon
ParticipantDominic, I really appreciate your response. I feel exactly the same way. True egolessness, except for brief monuments, is for the most part beyond me. Ann
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October 11, 2024 at 10:21 am #79558
Ginny Taylor
ParticipantI love this from this week’s essay: “Experiencing egolessness is a process of letting go. But you do not regard the ego as an enemy or obstacle, you regard it as a brussels sprout that you cook and eat.” Pardon the pun (lol), but I really had to chew on this one to think about how this applied to my life.
As I read the article and was thinking about letting go as a path to happiness, I began to also think about how in our meditation practice we have the opportunity to ask for blessings. This asking is hard for me. I can ask for blessings for others, but for myself, is a different and challenging thing.
However, this week, since learning about the paramitas in Saturday’s class, I’ve started to ask to be blessed with generosity and kindness, letting go of what or how that act might specifically look like. And I think this letting go of the outcome is also a way of cooking the brussels sprout and eating it, or a way of being egoless. (Contrary to food stereotyping of brussels sprouts, I do LOVE them!) And that letting go allows me to find ways of being generous and kind in the moment, like on my two-hour daily commute with ridiculous traffic jams which have become a daily source of irritation for me. However, this week, I had the heart-opening pleasure of seeing a commuter allow TWO cars to merge into their lane, not just the usual ONE. This generosity actually moved me to tears. (or maybe it was that and Springsteen’s Land of Hope and Dreams on the radio?) But I thought, that’s something I can do, too, and in doing so, this might just lessen the suffering I experience on my own commute while being generous to others, and maybe ease some of their suffering.
Circling back, the brussels sprout is the control I want to have over outcomes, of how things “should” look to make me happy, which can be a disagreeable thing. However, cooking and eating it allows me to simply prepare it, take a bite, and let it go, like in my blessing practice.
I’m not 100% sure I’ve understood this simile correct, so I’m open to other interpretations!
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October 11, 2024 at 4:18 pm #79581
Dominic Young
ParticipantDear Ginny, I loved how you took and ran with the metaphor, or is it a simile? I’m not certain on this point. But it is great how you use it to show how you can lean into experiences and try them out with a light touch to see if this actually is happiness to you personally. I can also appreciate the hesitation or difficulty you have with asking for blessings for yourself directly, I know it can be difficult at times, but I see you opening up to doing so in your essay. Finally, I could feel your tears as you saw this simple, yet profound act of generosity before your eyes while in traffic which has been a source of angst for you. So, beautiful.
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October 11, 2024 at 10:29 am #79559
Anne Dooley
ParticipantMy sense of self can be a bit wobbly sometimes, it ebbs and flows, so I’ve never taken the suggestion of letting go of self as much of a threat. However, I don’t think I’ve actually let go of ego or sense of self in any long-lasting or meaningful way. I do believe it’s possible and I do believe it would be joyful.
My connection to my adult English as a Second Language students has deepened as my practice has progressed. I love empowering them by helping them to improve their English language skills. But coming to know each of them and appreciate their cultures, personalities, strengths, and challenges opens my heart in an unprecedented way. I love how they create a class community and bond through comparing and contrasting their languages, foods, music, and color and texture of beach sand. Thinking about different activities to best serve different classes is a joy – and sometimes a total wormhole. But sometimes, things get sticky for me as a teacher, and I know that I am wanting to elicit a certain response from my students. Simply put, I get a little hooked on positive feedback from students. I notice this puts friction (for me, don’t know about anyone else) in our connection. Avoiding this kind of grasping and the clarity of freedom I could experience from nongrasping is how I imagine letting go of self might work.-
October 11, 2024 at 4:31 pm #79582
Dominic Young
ParticipantDear Anne, I can appreciate it when you say “My sense of self can be a bit wobbly sometimes”. I know that happens to me at times as well and you are in good company when you say that you haven’t let go of ego or self in any “long-lasting or meaningful way”. I can feel your joy when you talk about teaching your students. And I feel that when you let go of your expectations of a certain response from your students, you find the most joy. Thank you for being a great teacher for your students!
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October 18, 2024 at 6:17 pm #79687
Kimberly Hillebrand
ParticipantYour language around a “wobbly sense of self” is quite powerful. And I appreciate your transparency about where you’ve seen your own ego in action. The more I read about other folks’ awareness in this regard, the more aware of my own ego I become. I’m grateful, Anne!
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October 11, 2024 at 12:04 pm #79567
Gwen Daverth
ParticipantKatie Byron ‘The Work’ is what comes to mind when I think of letting go of the ego to find a path to happiness. Such a deep challenge to think about how our ego’s make solid that which is fluid and dynamic.
I attended one of Katie’s live sessions this week and she worked with someone struggling with cancer and it was like every part of their conversation was from my head. Yes, cancer is scary, your children watching you die is horrible – but are either of those things true in this moment and what happens when we make those things true. She pointed out that if you believe that’s true you exercise a little less, are less compliant with your doctors recommendations and you sit in despair and cry when your children walk into the room.
I have to admit I’ve done all of those things this past year when I was told I likely had an aggressive form of Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lymphoma. I see pictures of my body crippling up and withering away like my cousin’s who passed from the same thing a few years ago. Deep swells of emotions as I think of my kids having to carry the emotional burden of losing their mother. Seeing this as pure ego is a very hard gap to cross.
And then the world shifted. Lymphoma was ruled out. Now they think Autoimmune Long Covid. Long covid – wait, people don’t die from that, the wheel chair and painful death evaporate. My kids get their mom – a perfect reminder that all the things we make solid are not, all the energy we put toward feeling sorry for yourselves and imagining horrible scenes in our heads they shift in a moment.
And if you open to what that brings – it’s hope. And I’m reminded of the beautiful passage in the Five Invitations.
“Chapter 3 – Hope is a subtle sometimes unconscious attitude of heart and mind that is an essential resource in this life. It’s the ingredient that supplies the motivation for us to get up in the morning and look forward to the possibilities of a new day. It is an anticipation of a future that is good….Hope is an orientation of the spirit….An innate quality of being, an open active trust in life that refuses to quit.
What we know for certain is that hope takes us beyond the rational. At times this can be invaluable to our survival, yet at other times when hope is misunderstood it can plunge us into delusion and become a hindrance to facing the facts of life. To discern the real value of hope, we must draw a line between hope and expectation. Hope is an optimizing force that moves us and all of life toward harmony. It doesn’t arrive from the outside, rather it is an abiding state of being, a hidden well spring within us and when the mind is still and awake, we can see reality more clearly and recognize it as a living dynamic process. Hope that is active has an imaginative daring to it. Which helps us to realize our unity with all life and find the resourcefulness required to act on it’s behalf.” Frank Ostaseski
I guess I’m taking the dare.
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October 11, 2024 at 3:22 pm #79576
Ann Harmon
ParticipantThat was lovely Gwen. I have always liked the idea of hope and have quite a few things wrong with me yet I hope. Thanks you.
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October 11, 2024 at 3:35 pm #79579
Suzie Amelia Kline
ParticipantAnn, I appreciate your blending your experiece with the wisdom of Byron Katie and Frank O. And your willingness to see and hope beyond today’s truths. I’m sorry you are dealing with illness and happy for you that you see a way forward beyond today’s ego. Blessings to you.
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October 11, 2024 at 7:52 pm #79588
Rachel Hirning
ParticipantGwen, interesting parallel to Byron Katie’s work. I also have loved her book, What Is, and have used a version of her questions to help myself and others drop the story. So many people can drop it, but then try to change the story, to become a hero of it or create a ritual to transform it into another story. Either way, The richness we all seek, is not in the story at all. Thanks for sharing Gwen.
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October 12, 2024 at 12:16 pm #79609
Erin Anderson
ParticipantThanks for sharing Gwen,
I don’t know a lot about Byron Katie’s work, but have been introduced to a few concepts and appreciate the ways she highlights perspective shift. It’s been so helpful for me to clarify what’s happening and whether I truly need to get invested in it. Your story demonstrated that pivot in thinking, the way our story changes with our circumstance.
I am sorry you have been sick, gosh, it sounds like it’s been a long haul. I *hope* that you feel supported and loved on your journey.
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October 11, 2024 at 3:18 pm #79575
Ann Harmon
ParticipantI was reading “The Three Basis Facts of Existanct” on egolessness. Is is something I strive for but have found impossible so far in my life, except for brief periods. Maybe the fact that I used the word “strive” is not appropriate. I care about myself and what happens to me. It took work to care about the self. I have had brief periods of egolessness with my children trying to keep them safe and happy. But I’m afraid in examining that that I’m grasping for their safety and happiness so I am happy and have them with me. I will continue my study of Buddhism and help people and perhaps along the way I will discover true egolessness. It for the most part is a yet.
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October 11, 2024 at 3:26 pm #79577
David Minarro
ParticipantIn my job as an elementary school teacher, this year with a wonderful group of fifth graders, I have the habit of practicing meditation before the school day begins, in a cute corner I set up in my classroom, next to my desk. Sometimes I can meditate for up to ten minutes, sometimes just a few breaths, depending on the time available, but I found that I started the morning completely differently. I realized that my morning mind (frequently filled with thoughts about how horrible the traffic had been, the emails I had to answer, how behind I was with curriculum, the debts I had carried during that month, what was missing for the holidays to arrive, or anything else) calmed down, and from then on I was able to be much more present in the relationships that surrounded me. Present when receiving the children from my class, paying attention to their needs and demands, listening or trying to solve their conflicts, relating with my colleges , talking to the parents, maintaining my attention in a conversation, enjoying a pleasant ray of sunlight in the patio, or the smell and warmth of the cup of coffee I made during recess. I realized again how my practice or those moments of turning inward helped me change the way I saw and felt the most everyday things. And for me that is an example of egolessness, because instead of going to meet other people and situations in my work from my worries, my stress or my preconceived ideas, meditation helps me see all of this more simply and clearly, getting myself out of the way, but at the same time being more aware of myself than ever. And that feels really really great.
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October 11, 2024 at 3:41 pm #79580
Suzie Amelia Kline
ParticipantDavid, I love this example of how the practice of meditation moves you beyond ego. And I am reminded of my former days in the classroom, which were so demanding. I admire your before class practice, During the first days of a new job at a preschool, I brought in a zafu and zabuton where I sat for all class meetings. The children sat in a circle around me, as I conducted a lesson from my sacred space:)
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October 11, 2024 at 5:29 pm #79583
Anne Dooley
ParticipantDear David,
I really enjoyed reading this and felt I was following you throughout the day, seeing the sunlight, smelling the coffee. Thank you so much for describing how getting yourself out of the way also helps you be more aware of yourself than ever — and feels wonderful. I understand this and thank you for describing it. Beautiful. -
October 12, 2024 at 1:53 am #79597
Jamie Evans
ParticipantDavid
I loved reading your essay. I teach fourth grade in Chicago and have done and felt exactly as you described many times. Your words gave me a fresh perspective on the broccoli-ego nature of the practice. Thank you! -
October 12, 2024 at 8:42 am #79603
Helene Melancon
ParticipantDavid ,
I find inspiring your example in your life of letting go of self and it strikes a chord in me. Having been teaching to children as well, I have found how they catch right away when we’re not present to them, listening from just one ear, or worried, and in that sense they are wonderful teachers by asking us to «be there» fully!
I feel that what you describe as the most everyday things are also those I praise the most or I miss the most when for all sorts of reasons they are not there.
I so felt your enumeration of these beautiful moments in your days, and the presence you bring to them. For a minute if I imagine subtracting them from the days, in an instant my heart aches… Reading you, I think you would miss these occasions greatly if they were absent, but I can also sense how much your students and colleagues would miss you too <3.-
This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by
Helene Melancon.
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October 23, 2024 at 6:08 pm #79763
Kelly Newsome Georges
ParticipantThis is such a clear, practical example of how egolessness is accessible to us all – and how so many of us are already doing it. Gracias!
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October 11, 2024 at 7:33 pm #79586
Rachel Hirning
ParticipantYes, I believe this is possible, and it is the path to experiencing our Buddha nature.
However, I’ve been having trouble wrapping my mind around this. Like, how to put it in daily terms, grounded in ways I can start knowing I’m doing it… Like a list to check off. I’m aware that’s not the thing, by any means. But one must start somewhere?Meditation is great, but listening to words from Susan on Saturday mornings, I am more and more aware that absorbing and contemplating the lessons also intend to bring out your Buddha nature. Each teaching is asking you to be present, like meditation.
And, so do the paramitas. I’ve been so loyal to just sitting practice, and relying on the spillover of the benefits that naturally occur off the cushion, that I haven’t considered much else. The lists of teachings seem extensive. And yet, living with generosity, dicipline, patience, exertion, meditation, and prajna wisdom intend to do the same and bring it off the cushion.
But as Chogyam Trungpa wrote, it isn’t your one-day volunteering for Red Cross. It’s not a concrete thing to check off a list.
Perhaps then, it is a quality, a way of being… and even that doesn’t suffice. If you’ve chosen this path, you are hopefully always talking, loving, being and moving toward this wordless thing.
I can see how I have not exercised the paramitas.
-I want to go now to a meditation retreat. Maybe that’s escapism.
There’s no patience in that.-I want to just get all the Christmas gifts now and pay the piper later (mastercard). That doesn’t exercise any discipline.
I want to donate some money to my local Rotary chapter just to say thanks for sending my kid to the leadership camp on scholarship. Secretly, in hopes they will choose to send him again when he’s in high school.
That’s not generous.Sure, I can ’round up’ at the grocery store to go toward the Feed the Children non profit, with no strings attached.
But that feels like the checkbox, especially done in haste or without heart-centered intention.
So what is it? How do we start? The paramitas are qualities Buddha carries. We can enter at any point thankfully. That is so generous. 🙂
On a hike today, I thought of art. How often things can go back to the art for me.
What do I imagine if I were to mix my mind with Buddhas mind? To feel into the heart of historical Buddha, and imagining this being’s patience. What did historical Buddha feel exactly, that they deemed it ‘patience’?
What do I think the Buddha felt? Imagine having patience for all beings, including myself. Including every object. What would that feel like?
Feeling into that, and then, how would that look?
If this feeling was to have line, shape, color, texture, what would I see?If I were to hear it, what would I hear?
Would it have a scent?Where would it want to live inside of me?
How would I grace the earth differently if I embodied it?
How would I know it was there?How would it lead me in inspired action?
That’s a place to start, without the trite check boxes. Maybe then volunteering for the Red Cross would feel different. Or ’rounding up’ at the check out line would also feel different. Or maybe it would lead somewhere completely unknown to me. Yes, it would. I know it would.
And then I wouldn’t know…As Susan said in the check in on Thursday, something like, one can do that, and then it changes 45° and it is somewhere else.
Every teaching just teaches you to be present. Every single one. It all points to the same place.
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October 11, 2024 at 8:53 pm #79589
Jamie Evans
ParticipantOne of the rich threads through the experience of this course for me has been the many ways Susan’s teaching parallels my experience of AA and the twelve step program. Around the same time I got divorced, I also got sober, as well as changing my career from the restaurant business to education. The Big Book of AA is clear that it’s suggested to work the steps for a year before making any other big changes. By some mysterious instinct I still marvel at, I knew I had to do it all and I’m deeply grateful I had that insight and stuck with it. My life is utterly changed from a decade ago.
In the first steps of AA we work to release ourselves from self-centeredness and fear. We develop discipline through simplicity and devotion. In the twelfth step we serve others and work to practice the principles in all our affairs. “Your gomden goes with you everywhere.” The program suggests that we ‘give it away to keep it.’ It’s a beautifully paradoxical principle that’s worked to improve the lives of thousands of people. To remain sober and free, we serve others and help them. We ask to be released of the bondage of self.
A few weeks ago I was stressed and exhausted at work, as so often, and got a text out of the blue from an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in a few years. She was suffering and asked for help, knowing I’m in AA. I had been feeling stuck in my program, skipping meetings and feeling generally miserable, but hearing this beloved friend’s plight immediately energized me and I knew exactly what I needed to do. We went to a meeting together that evening – her first – and everything changed for me, and, I hope, for her.
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October 12, 2024 at 12:13 am #79594
Rena Meloy
ParticipantHi Jamie ~ I loved reading this! I have a dear friend in AA and our conversations are always so rich and inspiring because there are seemingly endless connections between her AA journey and my journey with mindfulness. I appreciated the parallels you mentioned (and the paradoxical principle of giving away to keep – YES!)….and the comment about your old friend really touched my heart. I’m grateful she could “be there” for you while simultaneously allowing you to be there for her. <3
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October 13, 2024 at 3:13 pm #79627
Helene Melancon
ParticipantJamie, I was moved by your share. I appreciate the parallel you make between «the gomden sewn to your pants» and in the twelfth step «to serve others and work to practice the principles in all our affairs». To practice everywhere.
That’s what you did when your friend called you.
And you write “I knew exactly what to do.” I find this so inspiring! Just as you did some years ago, when you knew you had to follow your instinct to make many changes simultaneously.
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October 11, 2024 at 10:26 pm #79592
Jenn Peters
ParticipantHow do I reconcile letting go of self as a path to happiness? Wow, that’s such a huge question, but therein lies the answer—letting go of self is the true path to happiness. It’s not easy to do, but it makes sense.
I really loved this quote from Chogyam Trungpa in the readings: “The basic definition of ego is holding on to one’s existence—and paramita practices are techniques that allow you to not grasp onto or propagate the notion of me-ness or ‘I am.'” Experiencing egolessness is a process of letting go. But you do not regard the ego as an enemy or obstacle; you regard it as a Brussels sprout that you cook and eat.”
So what does this mean? Not everyone loves Brussels sprouts, right? Chogyam Trungpa could have said chocolate or ice cream or something. But he chose Brussels sprouts for a reason. But Brussels sprouts are not easy to eat for everyone. But we eat them and we “absorb” the brussels sprout of ego for the betterment of everyone. We eat it because they’re good for us too.
I think we can get glimpses of doing this – but as soon as we notice, we begin to attach. I will give you an example of this from my own life. I currently teach chair yoga to a group of elders in a long term care facility for addictions and mental health. When I there, I feel fully engaged and absorbed in being present with this group of older people.
I see them all as individuals, they all have their individual quirks and personalities and things they can and cannot do physically, and they’ve all given me insights into their personalities and history in some way. I love them. When I am with them and fully absorbed at the moment and just being present for them, I lose my “self” somewhat – I am just there for them, I want to be of full benefit to them and listen to them – (they always want to talk).
When I leave, I feel great. I feel that we had a great time together, and I feel this warm feeling of love and compassion for them. But then, embarrassingly, I notice that a small part of me feels good about myself for being there for them – for offering them this experience in their day – which they seemed to enjoy. I feel happy that I did this for them, not just for them, but for me too. I
And in here, I catch my ego rearing its ugly head again and the beauty of the experience is gone. Or is it? The two things co-exist, I guess – self and no-self, “me-ness” as Chogyam Trungpa calls it and “no-me” – we’re victims of our own human consciousness and the tether or our ego. I suppose noticing this is a good thing and a part of this “path to happiness.”
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October 12, 2024 at 2:06 am #79598
Jamie Evans
ParticipantRena
Thank you so much for your kind words! You somehow understood exactly what I was clumsily trying to get at. Writing the essay was like pulling teeth, frankly, I can’t figure out quite why. That struggle with the ego, again, I suppose.
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October 11, 2024 at 11:05 pm #79593
Catherine
ParticipantI think it’s possible to redefine what happiness means to me through acts of selfless generosity.
Every year for 10 years, for 2 weeks or more, I girded myself and helped build schools for the children in Kibera, a huge slum in Nairobi, Kenya. At first walking into an area, the size of Central Park, built on mounds of garbage, with no running water or electricity, home to a million plus people, I anxiously tried to NOT see as much as possible. Where should I focus my gaze?
Kibera is a chaotic warren of corrugated metal, heaps of refuse, jury rigged shelters, any an outlawed population.
What was I doing here? I felt uncomfortably white and entitled, but wasn’t that what propelled me here? I needed perspective and I needed it in my face, to make me pay attention to my life and what it offered to others.
The scraps of metal and debris shifted into the background as beautiful children’s faces came into focus. Children smiling and eager to learn, often walking miles with siblings in tow. The schools built with the community became safe shelters where children escape the dangers of home and see possibilities for themselves.
One thing I didn’t anticipate was the greater gift I got from the pure joy and love received from everyone involved. -
October 12, 2024 at 1:11 am #79596
Rena Meloy
ParticipantI am very curious about the possibility of letting go of self completely (that remains a total mystery – and aspiration?! – to me!). What I do know is that I’ve experienced quite a few moments of my “self” receding far into the distance and whenever that happens, what consistently emerges is, indeed, a feeling of deep gladness.
A few years back, I came across the quote from Leonard Cohen, “The less there was of me, the happier I got.” It struck such a chord in my heart and I’ve thought of it many times since. Thus far, based on my experience, the more I tap into the energy and awareness of interbeing, compassion, and impermanence, the more spacious and easeful I feel.
This past weekend, I was in Vermont to officiate my best friend’s wedding. It was a huge honor! Ten+ years ago, I would have been a sweaty, anxious, self-critical, and very un-easeful mess. Whenever I knew I had to speak “publicly”, I would feel a sense of dread park itself in my belly. There was so much pressure to “do well” and “prove myself” and “be liked”. I was saying yes to opportunities because I truly wanted them, but the energy around each experience was so tense and agitated and draining. This was actually a huge part of my early journey teaching meditation. I would sit up in front of a class and immediately feel like a deer in the headlights, armpits drenched. All of that anxious energy came from a good place inside of me (I truly wanted to be of benefit to others) but I finally came to realize – ha! – the problem was, I was making it all about ME (surprise!).
Through my years of practice, I’ve come to realize that of course it’s not about me. It never is and never was about me (ohhh hallelujah, what a relief). Whether speaking or teaching, yes – I’m here, playing a meaningful role – but the “spotlight” (if there even is one) is elsewhere. As my friend Lou says (about public speaking)…instead of standing up in front of an audience and saying “Here I am” say “There you are”. I finally began to realize that if I shifted my perspective from “proving myself” or even “doing a great job” (and also shifted the energy behind HOW I was showing up) to simply showing up and sharing from a place of love and reverence for these teachings, then everything shifted. With my friends wedding, I was simply there to usher them – alongside their entire community and their profound love, joy, and deep commitment to each other – into this next chapter of marriage together. And what a gift to be the one to hold that door open! That’s it. There’s no “me” in the equation. And of course the great irony is that, when there’s no “me”, the “me” that shows up is sensational! Grounded, inspired, free, so full of love. There were many moments throughout the ceremony where I found myself thinking “I’m really enjoying this! This is fun! Yay!” I now have a similar lighthearted experience when teaching/guiding meditation as well, and the happiness that wells up when I “get out of my own way” is a wonderful and generative feeling.
Briefly, a metaphor that comes to mind is body surfing. When I was first learning how to body surf (from my partner Ryan) he taught me how to duck under big waves. Instead of jumping up, flailing, taking a wave to the face, or trying to navigate over it, you simply just allowed yourself to sink a foot or two beneath the surface of the wave. And the whole big powerful thing just glides over your head like no big deal. And there you are on the other side. I think my experiences with ego have been similar. There can be all of the flailing…the leaping…the strategizing to get over the top. Or there can be the soft, quiet, dissolving beneath the wave. Ahhhhhh. It’s so simple. There’s no effort…but rather, a letting go.
I know I have a LONG way to travel in continuing to dissolve my sense of self and open my heart ever-wider, but the small tastes that I have experienced thus far have left me with zero question that the less there is of me, the happier I will become.
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October 12, 2024 at 10:01 am #79607
Erin Anderson
ParticipantThanks Rena, I really appreciate the way you have re-framed public speaking. Even though I speak publicly frequently, I hadn’t thought of not making it about me. hahahaha Thanks for sharing your journey.
I see this is a delightful opportunity. I also love the metaphor of diving under the water, becoming part of the flow. Dissolving. -
October 23, 2024 at 6:06 pm #79762
Kelly Newsome Georges
ParticipantOh leave it to Leonard to bring on the brilliance. Is there any qoute of this that doesn’t make you want to savor it? That said, I love the idea but I’m not sure – is it that we become happier when we’re less of ourselves? Or is it that we can become happier when we love more of who we are, without worrying about having to be something (someone?) else?
Ironically, I’m reminded of Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift (I blame my pre-teen girl) who repeats “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me” in recognition of how she has many sides that aren’t ideal, or that cause dissonance within her. Isn’t it our enveloping of the light and shadow that help us feel whole… and thus, happy?
I know, many more questions than answers here. But I think that’s the sign of having read a well-written essay. 😉
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October 12, 2024 at 3:53 am #79599
Erin Anderson
ParticipantThis reading was crammed full of useful stuff and so inspiring to me. It definitely got my brain going!
Letting go of self. This is a lot. I don’t really know what this means. I hope that it means something like, “I recognize that through practice I have resources and these resources are meant to be shared, not out of my own individual goodness or desire, but because its needed, when I do that, I feel happy.”
I find this an elusive topic because I have got all kinds of ego, not that I think I am great, but there always seems to be a pre-set idea that leads me to my next idea in all sorts of aspects of my life and relationships. In practice, maybe it’s quite straightforward, even simple. I might not have been able to make any sense of this concept, except that Chogyam Trungpa hinged the whole idea on experience, on “action”. It sounds to me like he was saying that it is when we show up with our hands to help, our feet on the ground, our heart/minds to truly connect with each other/ our community that we are in a position to share. I loved the analogy of sewing the meditation cushion to our pants. There is nothing subtle about that! It is such a tangible image that with our meditation cushion sewn onto our pants, we are engaging with the same awareness we are cultivating when we sit for our own selves. So, maybe we aren’t really sitting for our own selves? Our sitting practice is not only about our individual practice, but is equally about what happens next, who we will see, and how we show up.
This reminds me of the Lo Jong practice, which provides me with endless cues to keep at it, don’t settle in and get too comfy. The Lo Jong slogan that comes to mind is #16. “Whatever you meet unexpectedly, meet with meditation”. It’s saying “Look! This is it!”
But, really, when the need for action shows up, I rarely think so structured. I just think “How can I help? What can I do?”
One of the real to my life moments that came to mind, was when I was a brief interaction with a woman who was clearly altered by drugs, she had a healing black eye, and torn bags of her belongings were falling to the sidewalk as she was trying to ride her bike. She was yelling at the foodbank, yelling at the stuff falling everywhere as she tried to get back on her bike, and yelling at life. I was getting out of my car and saw that she was heart broken, but really just needed some new bags so that she could get back on her bike. She needed a lot of the basic necessities of life, but truly, right now, she needed bags for her stuff. So, offered her some grocery bags, and looked at her right in her eyes. She said yes and picked up her things. She didn’t have much to say, but she wasn’t yelling the same way as she left.
I certainly didn’t offer her anything deep. Our interaction, my gesture, was so small, so simple. I don’t think it was the bags, either. I think that the best of this moment was just that we slowed down, we looked at each other and connected as people, that we were so very different, but the same.
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October 23, 2024 at 5:55 am #79728
Jana Sample
ParticipantI also like this idea of sewing the cushion to our pants! And I love what you say about slowing down and connecting, this is really the gift we can give each other. I wish I could always remember this!
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October 12, 2024 at 8:31 am #79602
Catherine
ParticipantThe Buddha entangled in a seatbelt is a perfect image for me to connect with when I’m struggling with restraints my ego inevitably tightens when perceived threats to myself are beyond my control.
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October 12, 2024 at 12:11 pm #79608
Christine Masi
ParticipantI liked the imagery of the Brussels sprout, its round and solid yet it’s made of of many layers, much like our ego. As we peel away the layers – letting go – we can begin to experience our egoless self.
When I become too entangled with the stuff of my life, I have been discovering that by going out into nature, especially going for walks on the beach and listening and watching the waves. By observing nature with my senses, I am able to let go of my tangled self even if only for the time it takes for a wave to ebb and flow.
Nature feels like it is always in a state of letting go and has become for me my teacher -
October 12, 2024 at 1:15 pm #79610
Lianna Patch
ParticipantI’ll admit my initial reaction to “letting go of self as a path to happiness” was something along the lines of “Yeah, that’d be great, but so would winning the lottery.”
I also instantly thought of Enneagram 2s, who struggle with being subsumed by service to others while sacrificing their own well-being.
And I thought of what a relief it would be to let go of self, because a lot of the time, carrying myself is pretty heavy. (These two lines stood out to me: “Paramita practice has four characteristics. The first characteristic is that paramita practice overcomes neurotic hang-ups and defilements.” My reaction: Looool, OK, good luck with that, self.)
Unsurprisingly, after reading more about the 5 paramitas, and reading everyone’s essays, I have a lot more to think about.
Like others here, I love the Brussels-sprout-as-ego description. The ego is something to be consumed regularly — and in that consumption, we’re nourished. Maybe the dish doesn’t always taste great (although have you tried oven-roasted, with maple-balsamic glaze?), but we return to eat another plate anyway, because it’s good for us, and everyone else whom we don’t share a bed with.
Disjointed thoughts incoming:
In terms of my own life, nothing is really coming to mind, which might be a key to my entrenchment of self and/or my rejection of “happiness” as a destination that can be reached.
I think I’m struggling to find the line between holding the concepts of self and ego lightly, and still being a person/entity/meat sack who takes action to help others in the bodhisattva way. (I’ve definitely had moments of generosity that felt performative, so I appreciated Chogyam Trungpa’s note that sometimes, intention can follow action.)
And I’m not sure how to connect these points, but another line stuck with me too: “Anything other than bodhisattva activity, in fact, could be regarded as animal instinct.” This seems to say that intentionality is what separates us from “non-sentient” animals — or maybe I’m inserting separation in there? Since we’re all animals anyway?
My main takeaway from this particular reading, and my rapidly deteriorating exploration in these few paragraphs, is the idea that we’re usually working on more than one paramita at once, with a nonlinear or environmental approach. I feel like so much of Buddhism is intertwined in this way — that it’s impossible to talk about one thing without talking about everything. Which is a relief, since I’m always trying to talk about everything everywhere all at once. (I also find it pretty funny that toward the end of this essay, I’ve returned 100% to “me-ness” and my own perceptions. Clearly I haven’t arrived at the other shore just yet.)
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October 23, 2024 at 6:04 am #79729
Jana Sample
ParticipantFor real, though, what a relief to let go of self! It does feel heavy sometimes, carrying around this mess of thoughts and beliefs and confusions. I guess that’s why those fleeting moments of letting go feel so so good. 🙂 Also in regard to the animal instinct vs bodhisattva activity, I always think of animal instinct as the fight or flight / reptilian part of our brain, pure survival mode. So is letting go of self somehow letting go of being in survival mode? Like letting ourselves move away from being wrapped up in our own fears? I’ve been pondering this…
Thank you for sharing your disjointed thoughts!
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October 13, 2024 at 7:41 pm #79630
Suzie Amelia Kline
ParticipantI believe it’s essential to reconcile with life and let go of our small self or ego as a path to happiness. For me, this happens slowly and never completely. There is a need for reconciliation because my ego struggles to maintain the status quo vs. a more expansive and useful way of living. I believe we have to be willing to allow transformation.
In my own development, it’s been about trusting the mystery of life. This has allowed me to both heal and expand my world, to become less self-centered and more inclusive of other ways of believing, seeing, extending myself. My path took me through college, graduate school, teaching, and work as an artist and spiritual director.
But I developed a challenging anxiety disorder within weeks of starting college. I was hundreds of miles from home and didn’t have much of an idea of what to expect. I felt ill equipped to handle the most basic elements of living in community, making choices about my studies, and developing a real social life.
It took a few years for me to resolve some of these difficulties and to discover a path that would lead me to greater fulfillment. I studied education, became a teacher, studied art and invested a lot of energy in becoming an artist. Serving others through teaching and art brought me greater satisfaction. Art helped me feel complete. I could also bring it to the children I taught. Being with kids was so absorbing that it lifted me out of my anxiety and introduced me to a new sense of joy and freedom. My sense of “self” became transformed.
I now see that at each step of the way, I had to allow myself to be transformed. I had to release previously held ideas about who I was and leave aspects of myself behind. Over time, I developed the resources to serve my deeper self, others, and ultimately a higher power that I call God.
After many years of teaching, I was called to spiritual direction – to understanding that I wanted to serve in a new way. I wanted to support others to live their best selves, their higher purpose. In offering spiritual direction I continue to learn what this higher power is to each individual—whether it’s God or nature, or presence, or something else, and support them in deepening their connection with it. For me, it’s all about living from a place of greater spiritual integrity.
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October 23, 2024 at 6:11 am #79730
Jana Sample
ParticipantI think it’s so lovely and important to look back over the years of life and see the ways we’ve transformed, and I love what you say about leaving aspects of yourself behind and in turn developing resources to serve your deeper self. What a beautiful thing to realize about your journey. I find this, too, that I can recognize times when I was shedding skins that no longer served me. What a cool thing to have the opportunity to live so many lives in this one life! 🙂
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October 18, 2024 at 6:10 pm #79684
Kimberly Hillebrand
ParticipantHow can you reconcile letting go of self as a path to happiness?
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche writes – Some people might say, “If you can’t afford to buy underpants, why are you dressed up in a suit and tie?” But somehow or other, we have managed to have a suit and a tie as well as decent underpants. That is how we do it. Otherwise, there would be no way to begin. If we said that you had to be a millionaire in order to become a king, this would make it impossible for you. Instead, we say that you simply begin as a king—and in the process, you could also become a millionaire.
Letting go of self is often seen as releasing a sense of pride, greediness or self-importance. But – I think that’s only half of the equation. Letting go of self also requires us to release self-doubt, striving for perfection, feelings of inadequacy, and lack of confidence. We were born with Buddha Nature, an inner perfection that many of us practicing Buddhism constantly strive to return to as adults. But aren’t we already there?
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche also said, “The ideal bodhisattva, or ideal student of the bodhisattva path, is the person who actually gives up the idea of personally attaining such a thing as enlightenment. Instead, you simply enjoy working with the paramitas, with the basic energy inspired by taking the vow.”
I think in both of these passages, he’s saying that the journey of the practice (meditation, paramitas, metta, etc.) is the path to happiness. And that it is more than possible. It’s actually already here, but we don’t tend to see it because of our lack of awareness of the depth and many facets of egolessness.
In my own life, lack of self-confidence, not feeling worthy, and a disconnection between how I perceive myself and my Buddha Nature are barriers to being in full-hearted service to others. Analytically, I know that where we are and where we want to be are one and the same. My work lies in believing that deep down to my core and allowing the manifestation of that awareness to translate out into the world for the benefit of others.
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October 23, 2024 at 6:01 pm #79761
Kelly Newsome Georges
ParticipantA dear girlfriend once told me “you’re only as happy as your happiest child.” I’m not sure that’s true, but I’m not sure it isn’t either. I cannot think of any situation in which I, personally, have been more selfless than with my children. The instinct to give up the last bite on my fork – or, indeed, my life – is a strong force. Relatedly, I note a lessening of ego, less identification on my self, and a feeling of flourishing when they are happy. It’s like I step out of my own way, and when I see that I’ve helped guide them to their happy place, it’s liberating.
That said, I am a self-care teacher who guides women to own our responsibility for happiness, apart from our children – and therein lies a bit of a rub with this question. Must we give up our “selves” to truly feel happy? I hope not. Can we guide others and, in that way, follow in our own enlightenment? I hope so.
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