Week Eight Essay
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This article mentions “idiot compassion.” Please share your thoughts on the difference between this and true compassion.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fhb1__LNdowAOU9-ocVD5-FO0SnE2nET/view
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This is such an intriguing question.
I had a vague idea of what “idiot compassion” might refer to: acting compassionate but doing it out of self-interest. I think that is part of it. However, I did a search and found an article that was very helpful. (https://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/idiot-compassion by Bodhipaksa.
“Idiot compassion is avoiding conflict, letting people walk all over you, not giving people a hard time when actually they need to be given a hard time. It’s “being nice,” or “being good.” This reminds me of how often I’ve heard Susan say in many teachings, “It’s not about being nice.”“It’s not compassion at all. It ends up causing us pain, and it ends up causing others pain.
The more someone self-consciously thinks of themselves as compassionate, the more likely it is that they’re a compassionate idiot.
Idiot compassion lacks both courage and intelligence.”
The above that I took from the article helps me to understand why I think the reference of “idiot compassion” was placed in the section under “Destroying”. I see how sometimes destroying or cutting something can be the compassionate thing to be done. That most often I think of “to destroy” as something negative or “against peace; is warfare”. However, as I contemplate the meaning of “destroy” as the fourth Karma action, I can see that in certain circumstances (such as setting boundaries. Examples might be as meditation teachers being clear about the importance of boundaries between teacher & student) it is the appropriate action to take.
I also understand from the THE FOUR KARMAS by Chogyam Trungpa article states: “three karmic processes of pacifying, enriching, and magnetizing are actually gentle compassion. And there’s a tendency… that one might get fooled,…we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle. This compassion could turn into idiot compassion.” I think that is when we think that Buddhist actions can only be kind, friendly, peaceful instead of engaging with a bold honesty (“No, I don’t like when you do or say that.”).
“Therefore it is important to have the fourth karma, the quality of
destruction, so that compassion doesn’t become idiot compassion, but it evolves…”“Compassion is wishing that beings be free from suffering.” I think true compassion is when our actions or words provide a selfless act of wishing that this other person be free from suffering. Our loving-kindness practice offers this compassion through this wish.
I think that we grow in our awareness of compassion (one of the 4 limitless qualities or 4 Immeasurables which are innate and part of our BuddhaNature.) It is through meditation practice that we can begin to know our mind, become aware in our life experiences what habitual patterns may be interfering with our ability to see clearly and take intelligent actions.
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Thanks, Betsy. As I said at yesterday’s check in session, I found your comments and link very helpful to me as I grapple with a concept I find difficult. That’s one of the powers of sangha – we can help each other understand the mysteries of Dharma.
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Hi Betsy, your essay is brilliant and I think that you describe idiot and true compassion very well. You did some great research and I thank you for helping me understand compassion much better. Thank you for doing this research, which helped everyone who struggled with this essay. I appreciate you listing the article as well. I love how your practice has helped you in your understanding and awareness.
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Betsy.
Thank you for your enriching response. The results of your research helped me clarify and better understand the concept of idiot compassion. “Idiot compassion is avoiding conflict, letting people walk all over you, not giving people a hard time when actually they need to be given a hard time.” That quote has made me understand very well when I have needed to act against idiot compassion or when others have needed to act against it with me. The conventional mind may interpret it as an aggressive or bellicose action, but from this view it is an act of love and care towards oneself and others. -
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Idiot compassion jumps in and immediately attempts to solve any and all perceived suffering. Idiot compassion can be motivated by true empathy for another’s suffering, but it is also frequently motivated by an inability to withstand the truth of suffering and by an urge to ‘virtue signal’: demonstrating our superlative kindness and willingness to do (heroically!) for others. Suffering in service of alleviating another’s suffering is a specialty of idiot compassion.
True compassion is generally more considered and well, quieter. True compassion is motivated by empathy for another’s suffering but is under no illusions about the need to or possibility of vanquishing suffering. True compassion calls bullshit, if appropriate. ‘Giving ‘til it hurts’ is not an aspect of true compassion.
I think. I have struggled with idiot compassion since childhood. I was raised and socialized to be a caretaker. As I understood my family, everyone else’s emotional state was my responsibility. My track record at easing my family’s suffering was abysmal.
Life, parenthood and my practice have helped me gain a clearer understanding of suffering. I’ve experienced true compassion from loved ones, teachers and sangha members. I am grateful to be able to contemplate compassion through this teaching.
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Hello, Anne
Such a lovely description of “True Compassion”…”more considered and well, quieter”.It sounds like you have found ways to soften your childhood habitual patterns that messaged you to take care of “everyone else’s emotional state”. It appears that through your studies and the reflections of your life experiences you have been able to do so. I want to guess that also from teachers and sangha members you have met models for expressing true compassion.
Wishing you continued support on your life’s journey.
Betsy
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Hey there, Anne – I love your description and delineation between the two types of compassion – that “calling bullshit” when it’s needed. Your first paragraph really hit home for me as someone who was “parentified” from a young age. I like that you called true compassion “quieter,” and not “giving till it hurts” – so touching. I’m glad you’ve learned how to protect your peace through your experiences as a parent and through life itself.
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Anne, that was so beautiful to read. I feel as though I finally have an understanding of Idiot Compassion. How wonderful that you can be there for people, whether it your children, family or friends, and keep your “self”. Knowing you can feel some of their pain, but not dissolve it or fix it. It is being true to yourself and being there for others. Thank you.
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It seems to me that “idiot” compassion is the idea of thinking you are being compassionate by avoiding conflict, or as Susan says being “nicey-nice” when situations call for you to set boundaries, stand up for yourself, or say something disagreeable. It can mean saying the courageous thing not the nice thing to avoid conflict. True compassion is knowing when to listen, when to say something, making space for someone to tell what they need to tell. Sometimes it means not saying anything at all, just being there.
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I like this reflection, Ann! There are so many healthy ways to express compassion other than what we might think it is, it seems. I’ve learned so much from everyone’s writings here, and I love what you said about not being “nicey-nice” when situations call for boundaries. This is such a loaded topic for women, as well, who are taught from birth to always be “nice” and never be “rude”, always help people, never say “no”, etc. Lots of food for thought, here!
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Trust your experience, but keep refining your view. – Dzogchen adage
It is with a lot of consideration that I approach this question about compassion, idiot and true. Consideration for its practice, for the deepening into its nature. Consideration for this teaching of The Four Karmas by Chogyam Trungpa, far from sounding completely clear to me. I have found helpful readings on compassion from Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron, and Charlotte Joko Beck.
Compassion, from latin cum passion, with passion, with suffering.
Idiot, as in stupid, foolish, but also “neurotic”, “unbalanced”- as named by Chogyam Trungpa.
True, as in real, genuine, authentic, veritable, but also trustworthy, absolute.In this text, towards the end, I found he was pointing in an unexpected direction, far from judgment, or stating that one is better or more legitimate than another.
This really caught my attention: “…getting beyond these four maras (“…some imaginary quality”,dreams, wishes, hopes) and activating our involvement in the four karmas (”…connected with something real, the reality of the situation…”) is to use situations as they are and not regard negativity as something bad, something that one should get rid of.” Because “…negativities are emotions and energies…” we could work with, he suggests “…not regard them as negative and something bad, but use them as hospitality in the ego realm…”. When we can see that they open doors for us to be welcomed in the home of our ego. He continues: “Our ego seems to provide a particular stepping stone…” to be of great use to start to pass through its lie, see our ignorance, and destroy “…what is necessary to be destroyed”.If this way I understand awakens something in me, I think its echo, even fugitive, helps me to glimpse the nature of idiot and true compassion. When acknowledging how painful it is to perceive our motivations with the twisted manipulations of the ego to get where we want to, when acknowledging our ignorance or only the surface of a situation, when acknowledging sometimes our inner vehemence, our tendency to invade others with our own ideas to help, often with hidden agendas of self interest, we could start to be willing to practice to let go. Let go of being passive, of staying gentle when we disagree, of trying to be soothing and non confrontational instead of addressing a difficult issue because it will make us extremely vulnerable and upset, and we fear we might lose something or will be disappointed.
“It’s a life of calculation, foreign to compassion, which gives without expecting anything from anyone. Compassion knows no exchange.” Charlotte Joko-BeckAs we take a path of more acceptance, more care, more love for ourselves that doesn’t ask for negotiation, could we get closer to act towards ourselves and others “with passion”, including our whole selves with our heart and inner suffering? Could we find ourselves in a new territory where to respond clearly and appropriately when our instinctual intelligence tells us to, where to find a courage to say no or say the truth when it is critical? Where compassion would look more like a space we engage in with our faith, our openness, our two hands on our heart and simultaneously on the heart of the other?
I never forgot this expression I read one day in Elizabeth Lesser’s book “Broken Open”:
“… we are all bozos on the bus, contrary to the self-assured image we work so hard to present to each other on a daily basis… Every single person on this bus called Earth hurts… Imagine how freeing it would be to take a more compassionate… view of the human condition…”-
Helene….I have often quoted the phrase “we are all just bozos on the bus”, but I never knew where it came from, so thank you for the reference! The full passage really touched me, along with your words:
“Where compassion would look more like a space we engage in with our faith, our openness, our two hands on our heart and simultaneously on the heart of the other?”
…I will be writing those down and keeping them close. Thank you! I have felt this each time I’ve read your weekly reflections (and I’ve read them all)…your way with words is truly unique, illuminating, and a tremendous gift. For me, it’s like reading poetry AND prose at the same time….in a remarkable dance together, that swirls in both my mind and heart in quite a profound way. Thank you for the depth, thoughtfulness, and creativity with which you share. It is having a big impact on my experience in this program and in my life!! <3
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Dear Rena, I’m extremely touched by your thoughtful words, but especially to learn how much what I’ve written resonates with you and can move you.
I’m surprised and filled with gratitude…
You’re offering me a beautiful gift by sharing this with me.
Because writing is like talking to companions in the dark. And because in the last few years I’ve shut down my voice following a painful experience with a mentor…
Bu through this program, I’ve rediscovered the joy of writing thanks to all these in depth and luminous questions I felt this call to reflect on. And especially thanks to the trust and the respect of this Sangha where I felt safe to write.
With all my heart, thank you … -
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I found the reading this week to be very interesting, and I always find Trungpa Rinpoche’s writing/speaking style to be engaging and approachable because he was so good at giving modern context for these complex, ancient teachings. This isn’t to say that the concepts delivered in the 4 Karmas are easy for me to wrap my head around or get an understanding of, but I guess that’s fairly typical of many Buddhist teachings. That said, all I can deliver here is my interpretation of what he means by “idiot compassion,” – which I believe to mean the act of feeling and delivering compassion for the wrong reasons that are inherently tied back to one’s own ego or that the compassion itself becomes passive and “lazy.”
Trungpa Rinpoche says, “we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle,” and I think this illustrates this point. By intrepreting his words here, we can view this to mean that compassion is an active force, which is why it falls under the “destroying” karma. We must “[destroy] whenever destruction is necessary, [create] whenever creation is necessary.” It’s not about being compassionate for how it makes us feel or its ties to our own ego, and it’s not about being passive and not having boundaries when they are required” – rather, it’s tied into the entire samatha vipassana practice of being involved with one’s eyes open – being awake to the experience of life and compassion, without the “hang-ups” that compassion can involve.
This also seems to suggest that the act of compassion is not always inherently positive and sometimes destruction is compassionate too. Trungpa Rinpoche illustrates this by saying that we must use “situations as they are, but at the same time [become] the conqueror of [them].”
Of course, many of us use compassion as fuel for our ego, and the two are intrinsically related. I notice this in myself a lot and try to operate from an altruistic centre, and make sure that I’m doing things for the correct reason. Furthermore, I have to be careful that I utilize my empathic and compassionate qualities in situations where it is necessary and can be useful, and hold back where it is wasted and may be just enabling the destructive qualities/actions of the person I’m trying to help. Sometimes doing nothing is compassionate, and sometimes having strong boundaries or saying no is compassionate, or telling someone that what they are doing is wrong, especially if it means that doing otherwise under the guise of “compassion” might be fuelling the delusions of the person you’re trying to help.
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Jenn…,
« Sometimes doing nothing is compassionate »… Waow. Simplicity, and wisdom, in 5 words. It resonated with me a lot. Like the needle of a seamstress, passing through the right place.
I feel there is a real beauty and strength in refraining at times and choosing mindfully to do nothing.
Thank you <3.
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I had a hard time with the concept of idiot compassion, but I think I’m starting to understand.
When compassion is more about the giver than the receiver, that’s idiot compassion.
Sometimes when I call a friend who is in distress, I listen for five minutes and then I’m ready to end the call. After all, I have important things to do. I’m uncomfortable with their suffering because I can’t fix it. I have called so that I appear to care, but I am more concerned with looking good than being with my friend in pain.
I heard a story yesterday about a woman with Crohn’s disease who felt abandoned by a friend. Her disease was serious and incurable. The friend couldn’t accept that. She gave the woman a list of positive affirmations and insisted that if the woman used them enough, she would recover from her disease. They are no longer friends. Each found being with the other too difficult. Their relationship was torn apart by idiot compassion.
Another example is when I should speak an uncomfortable truth but am too cowardly. Suppose I have a friend who drinks too much too often. The compassionate thing would be to say so and set limits on when I am willing to be around them. I’m afraid they will be mad if they’re challenged, so I keep quiet. Not calling them on their behavior is enabling their drinking and enlarging their suffering.
True compassion is about being with someone who is suffering, traveling with them through their experience without denying their pain or insisting it be different. True compassion is listening until the suffering person has said what they need to stay. True compassion is maintaining relationships even amid incurable illness. True compassion is saying “I won’t be around you when you’re drunk.”
True compassion puts the focus on the person in pain, not the one who is seeking to be of benefit.
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Kate….thank you so much for your honest and beautiful reflection here. When I read these lines, I was both a bit surprised and humbled by your blunt honesty:
“…I have called so that I appear to care, but I am more concerned with looking good than being with my friend in pain.”
I can fully relate, although I would rarely if ever admit it (so thank you for your candor here….and opening the door to my own). Likewise, one of the things my practice has revealed to me over the years is how many of my actions are driven by how they will make me look – how they will reinforce the view at I am an amazing and thoughtful and always-“there” friend and person, instead of a deeper intention to truly help. Of course I care, but it’s been very interesting to see more clearly what my primary motivation is in varying circumstances (e.g. often ego is at the helm…and through this lens, idiot compassion). This has also played itself out in patterns of over-extending myself to “help” (again, because I’m the “good” “reliable” person that always offers to help!) without the actual means to follow through, and that causes more suffering on all sides.
Anyway…your post has helped me look at this with a fresh perspective and deepen my understanding AND compassion for you, myself, and others (hopefully the good kind! 😉 so a humble bow and thank you again for your words and willingness to share. <3
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Kate, that was such a well thought out yet a very real and lovely example of “true” and “idiot” compassion. Thank you. I have experienced idiot compassion for sure. I have to keep coming back to the reality that I am powerless to fix most things, especially to other people and that it is much more valuable to make space and listen.
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At some point in the first few weeks of this program, Susan offered something that really landed deeply for me:
“Meditation won’t make you more peaceful. But it will make you something better. More REAL.”
This came immediately to mind after reading this week’s passage and contemplating idiot compassion.
To me, moments of true compassion have arose out of simply being present and opening my heart to whatever or whoever is in front of me. It comes from an embodied place (instead of a thinking/mental place)…a bottom-up process, and there’s is very little if any trying or guided effort or striving (Chogyam Trungpa speaks to this as well). It is just called forth in me. My connection to others (and the truth of our interconnectedness) feels so real and palpable and nothing else makes any sense except to open my heart and lean in. The more I meditate, the more I feel this taking root and blossoming in my life.
In contrast, idiot compassion for me seems to be a top-down process. I am far more in my head than my body, and my ego is running the show (yeehaw). Similar to what Kate so boldly shared in her essay, the compassion is coming from a place of wanting to “look good” or make others feel good, or maintain peace, at all costs. It is dictated through thoughts and analysis and external triangulation of facts and actions, instead of from my inner knowing and intuition…and a deep tenderness in my heartspace. This type of compassion is NOT real. It is posturing. And it does not alleviate suffering.
As I am metabolizing all of this (and others’ shares here in the forum…thanks friends!) I am realizing that there is something very useful about the forcefulness of the word “idiot” in this context that is jolting me out of my seat a bit….in the best way. I’ve never been a very good “tough love” person (almost always a softie….wanting people to feel good) and this exploration is helping me feel a new sense of energetic urgency to bring forth real compassion. To be less passive about my tendency to just let things slide….to not ruffle feathers….(assuming it will all just sort out) and recognizing instead that this is probably causing more harm than I think. And is, in fact, quite idiotic!
For me, the real compassion is very present and alive on its own…I’m not worried about that. But I am realizing with a new vigor that it is time for me to take greater responsibility for my conditioning and ways of operating through passivity/pleasing and practice noticing when idiot compassion is present – to any degree – and stepping more readily onto the uncomfortable, less peaceful, but far more REAL and fulfilling path of true compassion.
This is a huge growth edge for me…I can feel it in my chest as I type this….and I can’t help but also smile as I realize, for the umpteenth time, that this program, with you all, is EXACTLY where I’m supposed to be in my journey. So THANKS karmas (magnetism 🙂 ! Thanks Susan! And thank you all! <3 <3 <3
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Rena, I love how both idiot and true compassion are expressed in your body. This is something I struggle with to feel, so I really appreciate your articulation here of how it feels to you, which helps me understand how it might feel in my own body as clues to look for. Am I in my head, or is my heart opening in some expansive way. Thank you for this.
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Rena …« To me, moments of true compassion have arose out of simply being present and opening my heart to whatever or whoever is in front of me. It comes from an embodied place (instead of a thinking/mental place)… »
An embodied place. Yes, I find this is so key. It is a huge reminder to me. And suddenly my mind traveled to the experiences I had being with loved ones dying, when everything of me fell down to uncover the essence of just thereness.
What if compassion were pure presence?
Thank you, what a beautiful reflection you helped me to unlock. -
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I have struggled some and thought a lot about this question and the idea of idiot compassion versus true compassion. One could say that idiot compassion is compassion that really helps no one and may even cause more suffering to both the receiver and the giver of such compassion. If one can actually call it compassion at all, it seems more like a play and people are just doing what they are “supposed to” do in a difficult situation. Such “compassion” can also make a mess of the whole situation, so it could bring added suffering, not only to the receiver and giver but to the “environment” as a whole. Idiot compassion has in it a lack of wisdom and a lack of skillful means. It is very messy, and inauthentic, and is more like acting how one is taught or should act in a particular situation that calls for compassion. It is giving compassion, not necessarily to lessen the suffering of another, but to make yourself feel less uncomfortable in the situation. Basically, it is a misunderstanding or confusion of the true nature of reality.
On the other hand, true compassion comes from a deep place within that actually knows the true nature of reality somehow. Either through study, meditation, or in some magical way that is beyond understanding. True compassion comes from the deepest part of one’s heart. You feel the pain and suffering of another human being because you are no different from them really in the most basic sense, you understand their feelings because you have felt them yourself at some point in your life. There is wisdom behind true compassion and you give it very skillfully to another person, they feel really seen and heard by you, and it is very authentic. You are not giving this compassion expecting something in return or to quell your own suffering of feeling uncomfortable. In ultimate reality giver and receiver are one. With true compassion, one seems to have, in a mysterious way, without thinking, the Right View, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, and Right Effort to the situation. I guess you are on the Right Path with true compassion.
With idiot compassion, you are acting more selfishly, you are putting on an act to try to be helpful, of service, of benefit. But in reality, you are trying to be less uncomfortable yourself, it is more about you than about the person you are giving “compassion” to, and ends up being a mess. True compassion is about the one you are giving compassion to only and being fully with them and being of true benefit to them. With no ulterior motive, either conscious or unconscious. As said earlier, ultimately giver and receiver are not separate, and this understanding allows one to be authentic, spontaneous, and deeply feel compassion.
I can’t bring to mind any specific situations where I gave idiot compassion or true compassion at the moment, but I am certain that I have done both in my life. Probably less now that I am on this amazing Path, but I am a work in progress and always learning. I can have true compassion for myself for not always getting it “right” in all situations that I encounter. My ability to just be with someone in their suffering in the way they need to be with them is always growing in some unknown or mysterious way.
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Dominic, I really appreciate your definition here: Idiot compassion has in it a lack of wisdom and a lack of skillful means. It is very messy, and inauthentic, and is more like acting how one is taught or should act in a particular situation that calls for compassion. It is giving compassion, not necessarily to lessen the suffering of another, but to make yourself feel less uncomfortable in the situation. Basically, it is a misunderstanding or confusion of the true nature of reality.
Idiot compassion seems very selfish doesn’t it?
Thanks for articulating this so well. -
Dear Dominic,
I appreciated your metaphor of idiot compassion as like an actor in a play, which really gets at the empty, performative nature of idiot compassion, When you commented: “With true compassion, one seems to have, in a mysterious way, without thinking, the Right View, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, and Right Effort to the situation,” you gave substance to the prismatic depth and breadth of true compassion. I enjoyed reading your essay.
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Dominic, Yes. I am most stuck by this too – the selfishness of idiot compassion. How often we are protecting ourselves from hurt, want this person to see us as great, or wanting to avoid the pain of telling the truth and having that person be mad at us. ME ME ME. Imagine the shoes one must wear that align with true compassion. They are rooted to earth, clear, and now feel very bodhisattvha to me. Thanks for sharing your insight.
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For me, idiot compassion is compassion based on resting in a safe, gentle place, or point of view, believing that all is right with the world because you are right. Idiot compassion rests in devaputra, or the mara of pacifying, which Chogyam Trungpa says is, “a spiritual practice based on ego, ego’s benefit.” It is a practice “involved with the duality of subject,” it is either this way or that way. Idiot compassion does not accept what is happening in the moment and working with that. An example of this, to me, is the right to life movement, where compassion is extended to a fetus, and not to the situation the mother or her family may be going through. Further, I don’t see much evidence of compassion being extended towards that newborn and mother in terms of support services, childcare, maternal health care. To me, this is save the fetus at all cost because it makes certain people feel compassionate and good about their cause, but ignores the mother’s needs, the needs of the family. This is an example of idiot compassion.
I’ve been guilty of idiot compassion in my own life. I once believed I could save my grandchildren, make their lives much better, be Mary Poppins. I saw my daughter and her husband as lacking in certain parental skills that I was sure I was much better at. I would rescue them from the snare of the TV, from parents who at times seemed more interested in their phones then in their boys. But I was seeing the situation as a way to boost my ego, as a way to move their lives towards a better situation from what I saw as a less than good situation. What a good grandma I am! I was practicing duality, I was practicing idiot compassion.
I recently heard Tara Brach on a podcast talk about true compassion as having a soft front and a strong back, something we maintain in our meditation practice. And I like this bodily reminder of what true compassion is. It’s easy to have a soft front and, at the extreme level, have idiot compassion, or it’s easy to have a strong back and be a bully. But it’s a challenge to have both a soft front that wants a peaceful environment, and wants to enrich life, but to also have a strong back to recognize when it is necessary to destroy or cut, or do hard things.
The moment I realized I couldn’t “save” my grandchildren, I had to cut that idea loose, and it was a very painful realization. Silly in some ways that I had even believed in it, because I can barely save myself let alone anyone else. Still, destruction of that idea was necessary. I can stop trying to be the hero and just be myself, just be with the boys as they are, and be with my daughter as she is. This is true, or truer compassion, I think. And honestly, it’s also a relief to not be carrying that Mary Poppins carpet bag around anymore.
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Ginny
The right to life movement is a great example of idiot compassion. Especially in the way you laid it out using the quote:
“Idiot compassion rests in devaputra, or the mara of pacifying, which Chogyam Trungpa says is, “a spiritual practice based on ego, ego’s benefit.” It is a practice “involved with the duality of subject,” it is either this way or that way. Idiot compassion does not accept what is happening in the moment and working with that.”I appreciated your courage and wisdom of wise compassio!
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“Therefore it is important to have the fourth karma, which is destruction, the quality of destruction, so that compassion doesn’t become idiot compassion, but it evolves into the process of destroying whenever destruction is necessary, creating whenever creation is necessary. That is a very important point: that the process of action or karma is connected with something real, the reality of the situation rather than some imaginary quality.”
I was particularly drawn to the idea from the reading that “the process of action or karma is connected with something real, the reality of the situation rather than some imaginary quality.” I think sometimes that meditation is depicted or imagined as stillness or inaction, and that as an extension, people who meditate are viewed as disconnected or floaty. There’s certainly a stereotype, and having met people that perhaps towed that line a bit, a sensation of almost dishonesty one can feel. A lack of groundedness and connection.
I love instead looking at this practice through the lens of the four karmas as such an active, engaged thing. I’m grateful for this reading (and course!) for offering an alternate to the idea of idiot compassion for me. I really appreciate the balancing act or relationship between the karmas and the maras. It reminds me a bit of breath, a constant action that grows and recedes and is always in motion, balancing. In action, but not proactive. Observant but not obsessive.
I particularly like that this distinction, of true compassion vs idiot compassion, arises through the discussion of the necessity of destruction, or pruning. True compassion is not somewhere you arrive and are done. It doesn’t hold the moral highground. It is something that’s constantly in motion, like a breath.
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Thanks for your thoughtful essay Eleanore,
“the process of action or karma is connected with something real, the reality of the situation rather than some imaginary quality.”
The concept of connecting with something real is such a relief to me. It feels better to work with what has substance.
I appreciate your clarity around the way that meditation is perceived and the way some meditators represent their vibe as blissed-out or disconnected.
I also love the way you pointed to the way real compassion has movement, like the breath. I can feel that.
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Eleanore,
Thank you for your enlightening, revealing comments.
What a beautiful and powerful image to describe with finesse “real compassion”, not as a goal sought for its own sake, an ultimate objective, but as something alive, a continuous, incessant movement, like breathing.
This image is engraved in my heart. It has expanded my understanding.
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Reflecting on my past parenting, I often opted for idiot compassion to quickly untangle a tantrum or later an argument. But I know when I practiced “tough love” and was calmly strong and steady I was practicing wise compassion. I hear about trend of gentle parenting and I worry that parents may not be laying clear boundaries for their children. They need to develop a soft front and a strong back balance as Ginny wrote in her essay.
I liked the description of the tree in Trungpa’s description of the enrichment karma. A tree feels to me like an example of wise compassion. Really all nature is wise compassion. Peaceful, gradually developing, abiding in the environment and shedding and pruning as needed.
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Hi Christine,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Parenting is the big one for me too. These humans just matter so much and somehow that tips me over into reacting and doing too much or getting too involved. It the thick of it, I forget to just wait, to listen. It’s so hard.
I also loved the tree analogy. It made me think of the corruption and heartbreak in our lineages. There is a brilliant yoga nidra teacher who, after I had devoured his theory and teaching, I learned was a vile, vile person.
Since then, I have not even looked at his book or taught in his technique, but maybe I don’t have to unroot the whole tree? I am thinking about it. I am not quite ready yet. -
Hi Christine,
Your thoughts on parenting stroke a chord in me. How sometimes I chose a more passive, soft response when firmness and taking the time with my children to understand more deeply the situation was necessary. Reflecting on this, I realize ( once again! ) how excellent teachers they were and still are for me, and also that I was able occasionally to come back and correct the course.
Your image of the tree as an example of wise compassion brought a feeling of peace in me. It expresses as well a sense of strength, of presence.
Thank you.
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Wow. I found there to be so many useful examples and definitions in this article by Chogyam Trungpa. When I look at these deep subjects and read the amazing wisdom in the articles, I find that I am a very slow processor. My own thinking takes a long time to gel into something useful, so I feel very thankful for everyone who shared at Thursday check-in and for your wisdom in what is being shared in the forum.
This concept of the Action (Karma) of compassion and Compassion-gone-wrong or Action-mis-applied (Mara) has deepened the complexity (but also simplicity) of how I am thinking about compassion. I think this teaching is asking me to be clear about my intensions when I am engaging with my family, friends and clients/students, to act in a way that brings dignity to the person and the situation.
As I read through the article, I found the wisdom of the Karmas so inspiring and orderly, but maybe a bit shapeless without the shadow of their maras. Like the two aspects together create the form, the structure, or the rules of engagement. Pacifying, Enriching, Magnetizing all sounded like nice, easy going kinds of qualities – which I like quite a lot! – but, I can see and feel how without their counterpoint quality, they stay is the touchy-feely, spiritual bypassing category, which feels risky.
By the time Chogyam Trungpa got the fourth karma, destroying, I thought “This is all about BOUNDARIES! This is still teaching the Container Principle!” What a revelation. Without boundaries our compassion can become UN-wise, it can become Idiot Compassion. Through our practice, our hearts grow and develop the capacity to hold, to share in heartbreak. Alongside this, we need to grow in other, sustaining ways. Ways that help us to keep our bearings and be useful, present and supportive, but not take on a fix it role.
Idiot is not really a word that I use, but I see that it’s harsh nature is well suited to this lesson.
The way that the last paragraph summarizes these concepts is like the Yin-Yang symbol. That each of the karmas has a shadow (or negative) side is just a representation of the whole, the completeness of any given moment. These opposing qualities actually bring clarity and form to whatever is coming up, whether it is conflict, grief, or some other conundrum. The two aspects together allow for continued flow. To flow, we need to be consistent, reliable, and present, if we are investing our energy in giving too much, we cannot be any of those.
As for in my own life, I know I get it wrong so often. I tend to get it wrong with my family and it seems that learning is slow. Maybe with this extra awareness, and support of this enduring teaching, I will tap into some of that flow and not have to course correct, (apologize) as much! Maybe. Hopefully.
“As the false drops away, then the situation develops beyond it. Your energy leads beyond it, so finally the false brings us to the truth. In other words, you can’t have truth itself alone. Truth as opposed to what? Truth as opposed to false. So the false is as much true as lie; it is as true as the truth, in this case—which is a very strange conclusion to come to. And similarly, negativity is very much as positive as positives are positive. So the action of the four karmas of pacifying, enriching, magnetizing, and destroying plays an important part in this process of working with these materials and with the four types of temptations, or maras.”
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Dear Erin,
Yes, it is about boundaries, without which our compassion can become unwise! Thank you so much for stating that explicitly. Wow.
Like you and Christine, I have also found parenting to be a rich ground for stumbling (rushing) into idiot compassion, probably mostly because I lost sight of my and my daughters’ appropriate boundaries. Thank you for sharing your insight. -
Erin, this is such a nice way of saying it, that the karmas feel “shapeless without the shadow of their maras.” I also thought of how this mirrors yin / yang theory, how can we be soft without the hardness to keep us with shape? And your quote at the end, truth and false are also just two polar opposite aspects like yin and yang. It is so helpful for me to remember that we need both sides of anything in order to stay in balance.
Thank you for sharing this!
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Idiot compassion. What a startling, beautiful phrase.
Following this path does not turn us into grinning fools with soft hearts. Yes, our hearts soften and open to compassion, but true compassion has a hard edge.
I imagine a teacher who fails to manage the class with discipline, so that kids are always talking over the teacher, interrupting each other and chaos ensues. A parent who wants to be a buddy to their child and fails to give solid guidance.
I observed a touching example of idiot compassion in my fourth grade class recess yesterday. Atlas struggles to fit in and is essentially besotted with a couple of the ‘popular’ athletic boys in the class. He so wants to be one of them. They’re playing soccer – a huge argument ensues. (It always does. I adore soccer, but the arguing! Oy! Let it go!) One boy yells “Shut up, Atlas!” in his face. My reaction was to give the culprit a five minute time out to cool off. Later I talked to the whole class about the incident and gave them space to respond. We’ve been working on the importance of using kind words in recent weeks.
Atlas says ‘no, actually.. it was ok. I didn’t mind being yelled at.’ This is idiot compassion. Atlas thinks by being more submissive he’ll be accepted as one of the cool kids. True compassion in this case would be the path that’s harder for him to take right now. I hope he’ll learn the lesson.-
Dear Jamie,
I was moved by Atlas’s story. It’s such a painful but familiar situation, the outsider trying to work his way inside, to the popular kids. But your framing Atlas’s reaction as an example of idiot compassion provided me with a real ah ha! moment. True compassion for himself is certainly harder for him to take now, as you so rightly pointed out I feel that your response to this situation is also an example of true compassion, maintaining an expectation of self-respect from a student much more inclined to be passive. I, too, hope he’ll learn the lesson in time. Your students are very fortunate. -
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Thank you for sharing Altas’s story. A theme of these essays (including yours) is that almost always, it’s easier to see someone else’s idiot compassion than our own. I suppose it’s the same way with other shortcomings, but this reading and essays like yours are a wonderful reminder to work on ensuring, as much as humanly possible, to put an appropriate intention behind every action/word.
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A few weeks ago I went to my garage to pick up my car and found a sign on the windshield, exhorting me to be more careful when parking it to make it easier for others to park as well. The point of the note was right because the day before I arrived in a bit of a hurry and left the car leaning more forward than it should, but the way of saying it was unkind and vehement. At that moment, for me, idiot compassion would have meant not saying anything, and also the opposite, acting like a fool and responding with another note using the same tone. Instead, I chose what I felt to be the middle path. I wrote a second note thanking the person for his note and told him that he was right, but I also let him know that the forms were not that correct, and that I do not think it was a problem that was encountered very often. I was calm because I knew how to recognize my mistake and not add more conflict to the situation, but I also felt that I was able to express myself in that situation. Perhaps, sometimes overcoming idiot compassion can be about letting others know that they have acted like a jerk, without also becoming one along the way.
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David, I really appreciate this: Perhaps, sometimes overcoming idiot compassion can be about letting others know that they have acted like a jerk, without also becoming one along the way.
I had a situation at work recently where I could have acted like the jerk, but didn’t. But I did hold firm to what I believed was true, similar to your note back to the original. I’m not always sure I do the right thing, but in the situation it felt like taking a higher road than succumbing to idiot compassion.
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This is great, David. I find this to be such a challenge, not to become a jerk when telling someone else that they are being a jerk. And so often in manifests in or around the car / driving! It sounds like you did the right thing, good for taking a step back and giving yourself space before you responded.
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David! I love your middle-path response to the note. I found myself in a similar situation last year — only *I* was the jerk! I was actually blocking someone’s driveway, and the note they left me was remarkably polite for the amount of distress they must have been feeling (they were unable to take their wife to a doctor’s appointment, and she had to get an Uber).
My initial reaction was annoyance, and then I realized actually, I was feeling shame. That realization totally took the wind out of my sails. Instead of writing a snarky note back or just leaving the original note on their fence, I wrote an apology, with my Venmo handle so they could request reimbursement for the Uber.
I left still feeling ashamed, but in a clear sort of way, because I hadn’t added to my own shame or anger or guilt by adding to the conflict. (And this comment definitely feels like me patting my own back for doing the “right” or decent thing, but really I just feel relief that I escaped the temptation of stoking the fire!)
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It’s easy to mistake calm and peacefulness for genuine healing, but sometimes what feels like peace is actually avoidance in disguise. When we’ve experienced trauma, challenging emotions or memories can feel overwhelming, so the mind often finds ways to keep them at bay. This can lead us to prioritize a sense of calm at all costs, sometimes resulting in emotional suppression or numbing. Chogyam Trungpa’s concept of “pacifying” the mistake of avoidance as peace comes to mind. Peacefulness can have a seductive quality, luring us into a false sense of resolution.
True peace, however, isn’t about hiding from discomfort; it’s about embracing it gently and with awareness. When we approach meditation or mindfulness solely with the goal of creating calm, we risk avoiding the deeper work needed to process unresolved pain. In contrast, trauma-sensitive practices encourage us to notice sensations without judgment, giving space to what arises rather than pushing it away. This distinction—between a peace that avoids and a peace that integrates—is essential in trauma healing. Real inner peace means making room for all parts of ourselves, including those that might disrupt our surface calm, while learning to meet them with compassion and care. This idea of misguided compassion, or “Idiot Compassion,” as Trungpa puts it, reflects the tendency to turn things on their head by avoiding the very discomfort that true compassion would embrace.
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Dear Gwen
I found your statement: “This can lead us to prioritize a sense of calm at all costs, sometimes resulting in emotional suppression or numbing.” helpful in deepening how idiot compassion not only is not helpful to the person who we are giving it to, but can also be a cover for our own emotional wounds. Thank you for linking those two processes.
Betsy -
It’s so true, peacefulness does have such a seductive quality. And the seduction is often pulling us out of reality. If we are not existing authentically in reality and allowing whatever comes, we are not creating space for all of the pieces of our pain to exist. Like you say, there is a distinction “between a peace that avoids and a peace that integrates.” I love the way you articulated this, it’s such a nice concept. Thank you for this.
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So I had a tough time with this essay in particular – I read it a few times and feel like it just keeps going over my head. (I admit that my “container” at the moment has a few small people running around, asking for water bottle refills and, ironically, arguing over how to make the best friendship bracelets.) All of that said, I decided to spend more time in the comments here and, honestly, all of the things that you (Sangha) said are such a wonderful translation – it has helped me start to grasp the concepts more than when I was reading it alone.
In particular, something Anne said stands out to me: the idea that caregivers are expected, taught, conditioned to be compassionate – and therefore we often do it to “check the box.” That kind of idiot compassion is a wake-up call for so many women (and caregiving men, of course) who want to cultivate the true quality, because compassion nourishes us when it’s real and empties us out when it isn’t. I see idiot compassion as acting “as if” without the authenticity to sustain it; it’s almost a self-sacrificing lesson that teaches us from the inside out what’s true and what isn’t.
In short, though this essay was a bit obtuse for me at first, I think idiot compassion is going to be part of my normal lingo from here on out – as a check-in for others but especially myself.
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Kelly I love your comment. I also had a difficult time with this reading and didn’t really get it or honestly like it. Like you I found more inspiration seeing how the group responded.
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Idiot compassion … I think I’ve heard this before but have never understood or thought much about its significance. Now that I’m becoming familiar it feels really important and I’m so glad we’ve been given this prompt to explore the idea.
Initially two things came to mind. First, the idea of “tough love.” For me a specific situation comes up. My close friend of many years was having a chronically difficult time keeping her life together, mostly because she was desperately addicted to opiates. In the past I had supported her in ways that felt right and like real compassion in the moment, even though looking back now I see that it was completely idiot compassion. At some point she called me again after having disappeared for some period of time, asking for help. I realized the only help she wanted was to continue moving down the destructive path she had been walking for many years. Even after all the conversations we had and seeming moments of her trying to move in a different direction, it was clear that nothing was changing. Something shifted in me and I realized the only true help that I could give her at that moment was to create a boundary and say no. This caused a great rift in our friendship which was incredibly painful and difficult, but I can see now that it was the right way, even though I am feeling so much grief right now as I revisit this. It is likely that the pain would have been much more intense for both of us had I not made this decision.
And the second thing that came to my mind, which is this idea of being “kind but not nice.” I think of this, in a way, as a hard edge to the softness of compassion, a strength and integrity which complements this openness and vulnerability that we cultivate with practice. From the reading: “There is quite a likelihood that
we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle.” As I was meditating today this likeness to the strong back and soft front body struck me as another place where this dynamic presents. We can only let our bellies and heart soften because the strong back body is there to hold us up.So it feels like idiot compassion is more or less a result of this “falling alseep” in the gentleness, the niceness. And true compassion is a result of staying aware, present and awake to reality. Pema Chodron says: “For example, trying to smooth everything out to avoid confrontation, not to rock the boat, is not what’s meant by compassion or patience. It’s what is meant by control. Then you are not trying to step into unknown territory, to find yourself more naked with less protection and therefore more in contact with reality. Instead, you use the idiot forms of compassion and so forth just to get ground.”
I love this contrast of holding both the softness of an open heart and the toughness of being aware and present in reality. It feels like an ultimate balancing act. In yin / yang theory there is the concept that neither can exist without the other, that they are two polar opposites but interdependent in nature, always generating each other. This seems to be applicable in this case, as in order to act with true and authentic compassion one must work with this balancing act between the softness and the harshness.
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Jana, I appreciate your story about your friend, because I’m in a similar situation with one of my oldest friends. I can’t justify the harm she’s choosing just because I love and miss her. So my compassion is trying to remain open to hearing WHY she’s gone down the conspiracy rabbit hole, and offering facts or even arguing with her– for now. I don’t think this approach will be wise for long, or maybe it isn’t even wise now, so I can see myself setting a boundary that hurts both of us, even though it’s for the best. I’m sorry you lost your friend. <3
“Kind but not nice” was the phrase I was looking for in my reflection below. Thanks for reminding me.
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Dear Jana- I appreciate when you say “We can only let our bellies and heart soften because the strong back body is there to hold us up. So it feels like idiot compassion is more or less a result of this ‘falling alseep’ in the gentleness, the niceness. And true compassion is a result of staying aware, present and awake to reality.”
This really adds to my understanding – the strength of awareness allows for the authenticity of true compassion
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Well, I’ve done it! I did some idiot compassion…b/c I was trying to avoid conflict. I did this a great deal in the beginning of my life. Of course, there is a long thread about how ‘not rocking the boat’ became important, but there was always a quiet part of me that knew another truth. The more I avoid and enable, the more it serves ME and does nothing for the person or the relationship I am in. It stunts growth on so many fronts.
Although this has gotten better over time, it still percalates on smaller scale levels. Just today I broke some idiot compassion pattern with my nearly 14 year old son. My favorite ritual is to start the day with an hour long hot tub soak. Luxurious! It helps wake me up.
But more and more I feel like I can’t, because I have become my kid’s snooze alarm. I’ve given him 5 warnings, I’ll no longer do that. I will be soaking. “You can’t rely on Mom and Dad to wake you up anymore.” I’ve taught him how to set the alarm and snooze. Well, today, he didn’t take heed. He overslept, while I was in the hot tub.
He needed to feel the sting of missing the bus and asking one of us for a ride. My normal ways of teaching him weren’t working. It is hard to be a parent and want to protect your kid from messing up, yet realize he needs to mess up. That will be his teacher now. I was compassionate for him afterwards, just enough to let him know I still care. I’m feel for his age, his need for sleep, the responsibilities he is learning as an 8th grader. Now, I can see him more fully by not ‘taking care’ of his every move.
It seems that the more I stay connected to genuine compassion, the more authentic love, true seeing, and inspired action, can come through. I can take care of myself and others. Idiot compassion is a delusion, a fool-hearty way to keep samsara spinning.
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It has been of help for me to read and hear of others’ expressions around the idea of “idiot compassion,” and I thank you all for the essays and the remarks in our video meetings. I personally do not like the negative terminology that this engages, and in my mind it kind of goes into the category of the (old) series of books entitled “___For Dummies” – it was either “Math For Dummies” or “Yoga For Dummies,” or any other title they concocted. I found it to be quite demeaning, and I refused to purchase these (except for one book, which I decided to cover with a bookcover before I put it on my shelf – the author was actually an excellent teacher – Georg Fuerstein).
Yes, I can ruminate about occasions where I fell “short of the mark” of true compassion, but I prefer to give myself the benefit of the doubt and assess that the compassion that I gave was what I was capable of at the time. Truly, it was better than not acting compassionately at all.
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(OK, so I feel like I’m cheating, because I’m catching up on last week’s homework after today’s discussion, all about how to be compassionate with those who are directly harming us. But here goes.)
Chogyam Trungpa writes:
“These three karmic processes of pacifying, enriching, and magnetizing are actually gentle compassion. And there’s a tendency which comes up, a hang-up or problem that we mentioned, that one might get fooled, that one might become completely involved in this kind of gentle compassion. There is quite a likelihood that we might fall asleep in this gentle compassion, regarding it as purely a resting place where we could relax and be kind and nice and gentle. This compassion could turn into idiot compassion quite easily, stupid compassion.”
There’s a meme going around that says something like “We can disagree on pizza toppings or football teams. We can’t disagree on homophobia, sexism, racism, or human rights, because those aren’t opinions.”
To me, idiot compassion is symbolized perfectly by the question, “Can’t we just agree to disagree?” when it comes to objective moral rightness.
Idiot compassion brushes conflict under the rug and says that anyone who can’t control their emotional reaction to conflict just simply isn’t enlightened enough, or practicing enough, or deeply kind enough. Idiot compassion is trying to love someone despite the fact that they are causing harm, without bringing up the harm. It’s a lack of courage, a willingness to look the other way, a small failing that paves the way for much bigger damage.
True compassion involves telling truth to power. Being willing to have uncomfortable conversations. Correcting someone for their benefit, and hopefully the benefit of all beings. Caring about the person who’s wrong, without accepting their wrong beliefs or behavior.
For me, both the power and the challenge in this willingness to face conflict is to share my view without getting attached to the idea that I can change THEIR view. Instantly, I feel like “What’s the point? If I can’t make them see that they’re wrong, this is futile.” (And as we all discussed earlier today, we ARE right. Morally, ethically, historically…)
Maybe the willingness to engage in the conflict is powerful on its own. Maybe the demonstration and clear definition of rightness is powerful in itself, even if not a single mind gets changed.
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I think idiot compassion occurs when we think about ourselves first and then the perceived object of compassion second. What I mean is – we think we’re wholly compassionate when in reality we’re considering ourselves more than the other person. If our action is compassionate, but perhaps we’re thinking about what others might think of us because we’re doing this action, then the focus is on us and not the person for whom the compassionate action is taking place.
A couple more examples of idiot compassion could be not being truthful to spare someone’s feelings or to avoid conflict. Both examples emphasize how a person who is sparing/avoiding is putting themselves first.
Idiot compassion can be egregious, but I think it can also be very subtle and difficult to catch. One thing I’ve noticed in myself is that, at times, to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, I’ll be truthful, but in such generic and round-about wording that I think what comes across is more acceptance than compassion or truth. This seems to drive delusions instead of breaking them down.
True compassion requires courage because it’s doing something or saying something that’s going to be more difficult than if we simply took the idiot route. Creating boundaries, telling someone they are wrong or hurtful, and telling someone ‘no’ are examples of true compassion. I think I would also add that sometimes simply being present for someone or listening instead of doing/talking could be a form of true compassion.
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