Week 9 Essay
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I figured this would be the prompt, and I knew at once where I would go. My husband has mild cognitive impairment, and while he operates quite well in daily life, he gets thrown when the unexpected happens or if there are too many things going on. I have had many occasions to straighten out snarls that he inadvertently got us into, particularly in the online world where it is hard for septuagenarians to navigate, and so many opportunities to do real damage.
A case in point: he had filed a required government document earlier this year, as had I, but he got a notice this week that he had not signed it. This was an online filing requiring an electronic signature, which he could not figure out. As a result, he became agitated and started just hitting buttons on the website, cursing and fuming. I came to help and saw at once the need to pacify, to sit in the same place with him, to even out the energy of panic and offer myself as a team member. It has taken me a very long time to recognize that I need to keep a pace apart to keep from entering his frantic space. Then came the enriching part – I could gently point to the correct form link. I was tempted to bump him aside and do it for him, but I’ve found it’s important to let the situation unfold and allow him time and space to figure it out. This is very hard for me to do, since my patience is not always what it should be, and I just want to git ‘er done. He did find the form and button, but had trouble understanding what was needed. Again, I paused, which may be magnetizing since I was tuning into what was needed from me (that pesky patience again). And then it was done, fixed, made right, and I could let it go – really let it go without fussing at him or taking any credit. Destroying. Until the next time….
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Sue Ellen, I hope this reply goes to you as I intend. Thank you for the detailed involvement and application of the Karmas. Reading how you applied them is quite helpful. I too have to work on my patience, not so much with my kids as with my eighty-year-old mother who gets quite panicked also– not just with technology but any information coming at her at a normal pace– is too fast and needs to slow down. This inspires me to explore patience with her from the four karmas practice. Thank you!
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Dear Sue Ellen, Thank you for your share. I can imagine that it’s difficult to see your husband with mild cognitive impairment navigate the world…especially technology. Two very close friends had husbands who developed dementia and it became very exhausting for them. I do wish you the best and hope that you are gentle with yourself and call for support when you need it. You’ll do the best for your husband when you are able to do the best for yourself.
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I think that one of the karmas that I routinely do not employ skillfully is to pacify.
I run somewhat anxious and find myself enriching in order to pacify myself, which honestly can create some time intensive “repair situations”. It’s almost as though what wakes me up is what I’m observing during magnetizing. It seems to me that it’s mostly during a magnetizing phase that I catch on that I didn’t see very clearly before I engaged (enriched). Gentleness with myself with regard to this pattern is something I’m working on.
Also, I’m currently reading Oliver Burkeman’s Meditations for Mortals and he included this quotation from the philosopher, Hannah Arendt: “constantly bound by craving and fear to a future full of uncertainties, we strip each present moment of its calm, its intrinsic import, which we are unable to enjoy and so the future destroys the present.” I am struck that this weaves the 4th karma into the pattern I’m observing in myself and it lands a bit chillingly.
It’s also intriguing to me. If I can practice, realize (I’m not sure of the word that really fits) the wisdom of the heart sutra, in other words ahhhhh, more often perhaps this could start shifting the cycle of enriching to pacify before seeing clearly? I dunno and not knowing truly does feel like a good place to return to after engaging this homework! 🙏🏼
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I can be very resistant to what is happening, and can contribute to hard times because I’m not willing to be with what is. This happened a few days ago, for example. Over the course of an hour or more, while I was doing some gardening, my beloved dog frantically ate grass. I realized that she was likely to vomit, so took her for a long walk waiting for that to happen. While walking I was so mad! I didn’t want to have to deal with this inconvenience. I had things I wanted to do! She musn’t vomit inside, because I’m a guest in the home of some friends and don’t want to harm their rugs! Sure enough, as soon as we walked inside, she vomited copiously. I was so mad while cleaning up! Grrr you are a bad dog! Later she keeled over on the floor, was unable to stand or use her legs, and couldn’t focus her eyes because they kept flipping back and forth. We ended up spending 5 or 6 hours at the emergency vet. Turns out that the frantic need to eat grass and then to vomit like crazy was a sign of nausea that later exploded into vertigo (“old dog idiopathic vestibular disease”). I couldn’t have prevented what turned out to be a very frightening night. But if I had been willing to observe and be with what was happening, I could have enriched the situation early on, offering comfort and compassion both to Maisy and myself. Aww darn it.
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Dear Pam,
I can imagine your predicament! I, too, have a dog who just a few weeks ago after having eaten grass (which I wasn’t aware of) vomited on my rug. Fortunately I got to it soon and have a wonderful carpet cleaner that after a few hours wipes away any evidence of the mess. I can appreciate your concern especially while staying at a friend’s house! -
Awww… poor Maisy! And poor you! I hope she’s better now! I feel what you’re saying about being resistant to what’s happening. I find myself doing this with my husband especially but also my son (and my dog!) when I’m worried about or trying to control the outcome of something, as you were with trying to keep Maisy from vomiting in your friend’s house. I experienced this with my son last night, he was in a weird space… and I think maybe I contributed to it by reacting impatiently in the beginning. Life is weird. And hard. <3
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I don’t know why, but I don’t seem to have a good example to share for this question.
The only example might be when I was discussing with a few folks about my experience at the Hands-Off protest. None of them had gone. I didn’t ask them why. However, they seem to think that protests don’t make a difference. At times, I have wondered that also. However, I responded with that I think they do make a difference (as other actions matter, too) and that it has been said that the demonstrations during the Vietnam War were the turning point for President Johnson. After my stating that, nothing else was said.
So in some ways, maybe I shut down further exploration on the topic. I could have started with Pacify (to listen, to be patient) and then to see what might have occurred next (magnetize).
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Dear Betsy,
this is a very interesting example, thank you. It makes me think: probably even the way we speak, how we talk with others, can follow any of the four karmas. Pacify, to understand better, ask more questions, try to get a feel for what someone else thinks. Enrich, jump in on something and offer more of it (?). Magnetise, feeling into the moment somehow, “tuning in” (as Sue Ellen called it above). And let go/destroy, meaning decide when you need to leave the conversation? Anyway, just from the top off my head but perhaps I’ll use it as a working hypothesis when I watch my next couple of conversations.
(By the way, I think especially when we disagree with people on political issues, which we feel strongly about, to “pacify” seems the most difficult to me – but perhaps the most effective?)
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I just had an experience this morning that gives me a great opportunity to think how the four karmas could help me to handle it. So, trying to employ them as we speak…
(I apologise in advance for a super long essay.)
I went this morning to take my car to wheel alignment because I was planning a longer trip for the weekend and wanted to make sure the car was in good shape. I chose a wheel alignment/tyre place near my usual workshop, since I had been there before (usually together with my car mechanic whose workshop is across the road). This time I went by myself and it turns out I was tricked by some guys waiting along the road and only marginally avoiding a proper robbery, it seems.
When I pulled up, they first tell me I needed one new rear tyre before they could align the wheels, since it was too worn down (and I know nothing about tyres, so, sure). They tell me where to go and get the tyre, arrange for a good price on the phone, and ask if I had enough cash (no), so accompanying me to the nearest ATM. It all sounds a bit fishy and stupid now in retrospect, yes, but it was not all that blatant at the time; it is common here for people to get in the car with you to show you the way, for shops to not accept card payments, for guys to make deals with their buddies, etc., and I have never ever had any bad experience before.
So, I am driving towards the ATM when I receive a message from a friend, who uses the same mechanic, forwarding a message he received from our mechanic’s assistant (whom I also knew but who seemed to have lost my number), who had seen me at the tyre place (while standing on the opposite side of the road) and seen me driving off with that guy towards the ATM. His message read, “alert Anna that these are thieves, I couldn’t do it directly, otherwise they’ll kill me” (not sure how realistic this expectation was!). So I read the message, parked the car by the ATM and then managed to get rid of the guy who was still on my passenger seat with an excuse (said I needed to make a private phone call), he got out and I went home. So, all well in the end, no robbery and no being hurt in any way. From home I called the assistant who had seen me and he explained that it was all a big set up and another car had actually followed me to the ATM, with a couple of guys planning to rob me there. So, bottom line, I was super lucky for the assistant seeing me and for my friend happening to be on whatsapp at the right moment to forward the warning.
Now I have a bit of a retrospective shock and just remembered the four karmas, went back to watching last week’s recording again and am now contemplating how they can help me. Here’s what I think.
“Pacifying” right now seems to ask of me to see clearly what happened, and how I feel about it (a combination of shame, shock, gratefulness and humility), and to stay with this, look at it to see clearly. I’ve noticed that it also includes not telling it around unnecessarily but to be discerning about who I share it with, knowing that some people’s reaction will make it more confusing for me.
“Enriching” so far has entailed acknowledging my luck, thanking the guy who alerted me (about a million times), and discussing it with my “intermediary” friend on the phone. I don’t think I “need” to do anything else right now; I’ve checked that I didn’t get anyone else in trouble and I am back at home.
Now, “magnetising” for me feels like I should connect fully with my own experience, rather than trying to get it over with and move on. Observe what is arising. And even consciously taking time for it, making the space. (Including by writing about it here – thanks to all who are reading this convoluted essay!)
And finally, “letting go” will be really important for re-establishing my trust in people (which has always been the right attitude so far). But I also see that this step shouldn’t come too prematurely, and will only work after the previous three have been taken; otherwise it would appear more like a form of “grasping by attacking” (or however you say that).
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Anna, thank you for writing your story here, and for modeling your real-life under-pressure turn toward the teachings. Inspiring.
I wonder if you or the situation somehow magnetized the contributions of the mechanic, your friend, and whatsapp. Hm.
So glad you’re okay!-
Wow, Anna – what a harrowing experience! So glad you came out of it unscathed! It seems the universe was aligning for you that day, to get you out of that situation without any harm.
I am still trying to wrap my head around how these karmas manifest for me personally, but I like your approach of trying to understand how all of them apply to the situation.
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