Week 4 Essay
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A current concern in my life is the daily dance of accommodating my husband’s mental and physical decline as he ages, given that I, too, am aging. His memory and problem solving skills are spotty, his mobility is challenging. He perseverates on topics and tasks, with much fruitless repetition and often distress. This guy was a professional engineer, an energetic and passionate father, a loving partner. Yes, oh yes, the second of the Four Reminders breathes down our necks. There is no time to waste. I have always felt that I might die at the same age my mother and grandmother died, 86. That is only ten years away. And yet, I am well aware that either of us could be gone in a blink.
Interestingly, my husband’s anxiety about death propelled us to make and prepay our arrangements with a local funeral home. He seemed much happier knowing that he felt in control of that and that I would not be burdened should he die first. If I died first, he would be in a pickle. Our sons would rally and make kind decisions for his well being, but he would be very lonely and as he has said, would feel that half of him had died. There is a missing bit here in his thinking – he seems not to have a feeling that time here is not to be wasted, since he turns away from potentially enjoyable activities.
In the beautiful book, Making Friends with Death by Judith Lief, there is a phrase that has stuck with me: “Cultivating an awareness of death is at the same time cultivating an awareness of life.” I find that so comforting. I find that any striving for virtuous behavior in hopes of some positive karma somewhere down the line is counterproductive. Being genuine, sincere, trustworthy and kind without expectation of reward speaks to me.
As far as the fourth of the Reminders, that is a tough one. I do like the idea of love creating the ground for suffering, but as translated by Sokuzan, “The homes, friends, wealth and comforts of samsara are the constant torment of the three sufferings.” Whew. That sounds harsh. And yet, these things, too, are impermanent. I love the idea of impermanence in general – it leads to fully cherishing joys while also riding waves of difficulty. So here and now, maybe the good days of laughing together are to be cherished, and the hard days of disorientation and discouragement can be born because they, too, will slip away.
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As an addendum to my essay, there’s a wonderful song, “If we were vampires,” by Jason Isbell, that I love and find meaningful. My husband cannot stand to listen to it. It brings me to tears, yes, but in a “Yes, truth” sort of way.
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Dear Sue Ellen,
thank you for sharing these very personal reflections, which I have found very touching and inspiring. Why do you think your husband turns away from potentially enjoyable things?
I think I would draw similar conclusions from the reminder of impermanence like you: that being aware of this impermanence can be a way into treasuring much more the time that we have, as humans on this planet, and together with someone we love.
While I really like this idea in theory, though, and have tried to remind myself of it more, I am often unsure of how to implement it. Too much of my time appears to be consumed by unimportant things; how can I still mop the floor if time is so precious? And how can I reconcile a day wasted with being unproductive at work with this tall order? It makes me want to spend my days exclusively with Really Meaningful stuff, but that is unfeasible, of course, and may even create additional pressure. So, I am still looking for ways of “cultivating my awareness of death”, as you cite it, without feeling paralysed by what I, probably wrongly, read into it as an expectation for non-ordinariness.
I also love the song that you recommended, thank you for that, too. -
I just listened to “If We Were Vampires” – we did get 40 years together, almost 41, and I’m the one spending days alone. Thankfully I have a full life – at the 7th anniversary of Terry’s death, I woke up with two questions fully present – how have I lived 7 years without him and how has my life blossomed in the past 7 years.
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Sue Ellen, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Certainly expressed from your heart and I do appreciate the song. I had never heard it before, but I think I will add it to my playlist. The song really speaks to some of the conversations my wife and I have had at times. One of her greatest fears is that I will die first. As her primary caregiver, I can understand her fear. As the song says, “One of us will die first.” That is not a guarantee, but a good chance it will turn out that way. I thought there was also parts of the song that expressed the significance of a life shared with another person, so I will close expressing my appreciation for the life Pat and I have shared.
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Dear Sue Ellen, Your essay is beautifully written, I feel the emotions and the sense of connection that you have with your husband and the clarity of your own self-reflection. I, too, am an elder and find the quote, “Getting older is not for sissies” reflects my feelings. Best to you and your family. Betsy
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Thank you, Sue Ellen, for sharing your story of the concerns that you have over your husband’s health issues and for being so vulnerable. I appreciate you sharing the quote from Judy Leif’s book: “Cultivating an awareness of death is at the same time cultivating an awareness of life”, so powerful and true. You have inspired me to read this book. I am happy to be in this class with you and be on this journey in this precious human life with you in some small way.
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One of my main concerns these days is the apocalyptic mood that I feel after engaging with the state of the world. I have never felt as affected by the news as I feel at the moment. Looking at the havoc that can be wreaked world-wide by the stroke of one presidential pen, or looking at the speed at which our glaciers are melting and putting livelihoods at risk, I feel so discouraged at times to even start working for something better. It feels like what has been achieved through years and years of struggle – women’s rights, exiting fossil fuels, building multilateral institutions, …, can be destroyed in an instance. And rebuilding hope, protecting human rights and our planet, fighting for equality and justice will be so much hard work, almost overwhelming – where to even start?
Rebecca Solnit, whose work I really like, wrote an article in 2023, titled “Why climate despair is a luxury. Those facing flood and fire can’t afford to lose hope. Neither should we” and I fully agree. But keeping up my spirits and the belief in the value of my own work seems to require more effort today than it used to.
Rebecca Solnit moreover explained in a 2016 interview with Krista Tippett (in the On Being podcast): “And hopefulness is really, for me, is not optimism, that everything’s going to be fine and we can just sit back. And that’s too much like pessimism, which is that everything’s going to suck and we can just sit back. Hope, for me, just means a Buddhist sense of uncertainty, of coming to terms with the fact that we don’t know what will happen and that there’s maybe room for us to intervene.”
To me, what she says here is connected to the notion of impermanence, which I believe is the second reminder. I generally find the notion of impermanence a relief and a helpful attitude towards my life. Riding the waves of impermanence can intensify the delights of a moment, if we acknowledge that they will not last forever, and it can allow us to bear the pains of another moment, if we trust that this, too, will pass. It has in the past helped me to make clearer decisions, being aware that I don’t want to spend my precious time in grey areas.
But what does this impermanence imply for how to deal with a world that presently gives so much reason for despair? Perhaps it calls for focusing on the present moment by putting the change I would like to see to immediate practice. In the social sciences we have this notion of “prefigurative politics”, which basically means, you act the way in which you would like all of society to act – thereby “prefiguring” (anticipating, trying out) how it might be in a better future. It also reminds me of something Susan talked about a few weeks back (I can’t remember if it was a Friday live sangha gathering or in a BBB class), that a solution for coping with the present moment might be to focus on one’s immediate surroundings, one’s neighbourhood, one’s community (these are my words now), as everything else is just too overwhelming. (Maybe this also has to do with the third reminder of engaging in virtuous actions.)
Anyway, to sum up, I wonder if the four reminders enable me to regain a sense of lightness and agency, but I have to think more about it..
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Anna, you make a solid point that the four reminders can certainly shift our perspective toward lightness and agency. When I was in clinical practice, there were some folks who had a distinct external locus of control, that is, they felt buffeted constantly by events around them. Sometimes they felt like victims, helpless and ineffective; sometimes they blamed every negative aspect of their lives on other people or events. In both cases, they lacked a feeling of making their own choices of emotions and behavior. It can feel intolerable to endure all of the external factors, like being sandblasted; however, if we can hold onto impermanence we can find experience. Even if enforcing impermanence comes by choosing to turn aside from media for a bit, we can feel less overwhelmed. And, we can be curious about that feeling of overwhelm – and know that others are feeling that, too.
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Dear Anna, So much of what you express resonates with me, too. The political upheaval is beyond what I believed would ever happen. And, so as you state from a Buddhist perspective
“a Buddhist sense of uncertainty, of coming to terms with the fact that we don’t know what will happen and that there’s maybe room for us to intervene.”“you act the way in which you would like all of society to act – thereby “prefiguring” (anticipating, trying out) how it might be in a better future.” This reminds me of “Be the change you’d like to see in the world.” by Gandhi. It feels like the times are asking that of me/us.
Thank you for your reflections. Betsy
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For me the 4 Reminders seen so sharp for me in 2 areas (as others have mentioned).
As an elder, I grapple with this stage. I have a mixture of feelings: appreciation for my good health, fear of impermanence and that too soon I’ll die and fear of what that aging and dying experience will be (will I be disabled, lose my memory, be in pain, etc. etc…). Currently, on good days I’m enjoying the luxury of being capable physically, mentally & emotionally to connect with family, friends and this Sangha.
For me, embracing this stage with others would be so beneficial as the Sangha has been so beneficial in its connecting to many life experiences.The other arena is the political destruction of our “fledgling” Democracy. Again, I’ve been very privileged in my life and I know for too many others hardships have been for them their entire life. I worry and fear for everyone…most certainly my children & grandchildren. The future is unknown, of course, the answers are yet to be revealed and I’m grateful for our discussions in the OHP.
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An issue I’m struggling with in my life right now is wanting to overindulge in things – food (especially cake!), wine, sleeping, binge watching shows. I was off work last week, and I gave in to all of these desires. At the same time, I’m meditating. I’m reading dharma books. I’m more aware of my emotions and my reactions to things. I keep hoping this enhanced awareness will somehow magically make my overindulging compulsions fade. I am also dealing with health issues in my family, with a loved one who is rapidly declining in health and mental cognition due to age and disease. And this long-term struggle with wanting to indulge every decadent whim began in its current incarnation when my biological father passed away a couple of years ago. Coping mechanism? I don’t know. I know I’ve tried to analyze it and tried to fix it, and no strategies have worked for very long. I’m tired of fighting it (which doesn’t seem to help anyway), but I also don’t want to give in to it because I know it’s unhealthy. It’s a struggle.
When I mix this with the four reminders… I think maybe there’s some aspect of my struggling with this issue is feeding it. This is not permanent, nothing is. Perhaps I’m making things stickier for myself somehow by making it such a problem, by the struggling and rumination. And maybe being gentler with myself because life is hard.
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Dear Tracy,
thanks for sharing your feelings re. your “overindulgence”. I find your idea very helpful and convincing that your constant struggling against this desire for cake, sleep, wine, netflix is perhaps making it even stickier!
But nonetheless, even if that were true, how might this insight help you to let go?Perhaps being off work for a week reduced the number of distractions from your indulgences; I often find that in (positively) busy periods, I automatically think less about cake, wine, etc., and that makes these things lose their grip on me slowly. Maybe being back at work and possibly creating further (more pleasant) distractions/alternative activities could be a way out of this spiral?
I have felt more addicted to cookies than ever this past winter season when I was working a lot. And I always noticed that my overindulgence in biscuits came from my exhaustion. I just had not enough time to recover properly and hence sugar seemed the next best option. But it wasn’t just the energy; I think it was also my desire that someone take care of me, give me a rest, allow me to let go, which was not sufficiently met at the time.
And while I felt so exhausted, I simulataneously kept thinking, I shouldn’t be this exhausted from teaching a few classes more – other people have far more and far harder and far less well paid work than I! So, perhaps, denying the underlying feeling (exhaustion) made it even more difficult to address it in healthier ways, I don’t know. (Do you think that there is something that you would have liked to do to acknowledge your grief that you maybe weren’t able to do enough?)
I think (but I am sure you are doing this anyway) that it is always helpful to pay attention to what the actual underlying desire is that we try to address with cake, wine, bingewatching. (Nothing wrong with sleep, in my view!) There is a book called “Eat to Love: A Mindful Guide to Transforming Your Relationship with Food, Body, and Life” by Jenna Hollenstein which I read a while ago and found quite helpful because it asks such questions.
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Thank you for sharing your story, Tracy and for being so vulnerable. I can appreciate what you are struggling with, the “overindulging” in food, I too have had this struggle, though it has subsided to some extent, I still feel the struggle on some days. My struggle too began or restarted with the death of my mum some years ago. Just know you are not alone in your struggle. You will find a way to heal, I am sure. I am glad to be in this class with you.🙏
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The issue on my mind is the travesty of so many federal employees being fired and let go even tho they are (were) doing exemplary work. I am most familiar with the natural resources fields, although I know the firings are pervasive throughout departments. For the probationary employees just starting their careers, I know how hard it is to get a career path job in the natural sciences. To have gotten a federal job and then be blindsided by DOGE (a ridiculous way of doing business if cutting waste is your true intent, in my opinion), seems so heartbreaking. But those on probation, by definition haven’t been on the job all that long. The situation that is causing my gut to wrench is a friend and colleague who worked on contract for a federal employee. She is an outstanding person, doing amazing work (with Native American Tribes). She was given no notice, just told that her contract was terminated immediately. So unfair and wrong. And I doubt her example is an isolated case.
My contemplation with the Four Reminders led me down a couple of paths. One is to recognize that getting fired is less permanent than an untimely death, so I guess that’s a positive. The other is the 3rd reminder that actions have consequences. I am so disappointed in all the enabling that is happening whether in Congress, the courts, etc, but the 3rd reminder gives me hope that the negative impact of the wrongs happening currently “won’t be denied” and some level of decency can return.
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Dear Sue,
A wrenching gut response to what is going on at the federal level resonates. It is hard for me to stay present to it all 😢
Acknowledging your hopefulness that “actions have consequences”. This lands in me as a reminder that there are some seeds being planted right now and some seeds that have been planted in the past that could result in reshaping the current situation to be more loving if we continue to water them 🙏🏼
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For the past 12 years I have been a caregiver for my wife who was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. Early in this journey I was dealing with the grief of loss I experienced in terms of our future and the knowledge of what this illness would do to the person I loved and shared life with. She has always been able to take care of her basic daily needs and continues to do so. However, in the last couple of years her memory both short and long term have deteriorated and it has taken a tole on both of us. So much so that recently I realized I was dealing with depression that was beneath the surface and came to my awareness more at the beginning of this year. So, my concern in my life is being able to be a caregiver for my wife going forward while at the same time dealing with my grief and depression. When I consider these two issues along with the first reminder of “the preciousness of human life”, it seems to be a paradox. On the one hand her illness has impacted our quality of life tremendously, so that does not seem to be a very ‘precious life’ to me. Maybe, I need to reflect on what a ‘precious life’ means to me. As I write this, I am reminded that not all is negative in terms of my wife and what we share. Just recently I experienced the joy and smile on her face when she shared time with our 3 month old great-granddaughter, so there are still ‘precious moments’, moments when the illness is in the foreground and her love and joy shines out.
In terms of these two concerns of grief and depression, the reminder of ‘Impermanence’ is a paradox, as well. On the one hand, this illness will progress and she will require more assistance as time goes on. On the other hand, this illness will lead to her death and the end to the suffering. If I live past her death, my grief will be transformed, as well. Also, there is the possibility I can get to a place of acceptance and my grief and depression can be transformed, as well.
In terms of the reminder of cause and effect and it’s impact on my grief and depression it seems to indicate that I have a choice in how I respond to the illness. I can’t change or reverse this illness, but I can choose how to respond. I am working toward being more open and present with whatever is going on within me emotionally and spiritually, while at the same time being present with others on this journey. People who will listen and support me even though the experience may be painful. Being present with the pain may be the key to leading me to the place of acceptance.
Now for the last reminder. My two concerns point directly at the fourth reminder. The reminder of “the pervasiveness of suffering.” Not much to add to this point, except to say the fourth point may in some sense point back in some way to the “preciousness of human life.” It could be that is there was not suffering there might not be any sense of life being precious.-
Dear James,
I appreciate you sharing about what you and your wife are living while navigating her illness. It sounds like a lot!
So loving that you’re sitting with the relationship between suffering and preciousness, in touch with the joy and smile on your wife’s face, as well as with the threads of grief and depression alive within 🙏🏼
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Last night I was present to and unable to fully receive a loved one’s anxious state in relation to someone else’s safety. My response, though not consciously intended as such, was to basically “school them” on the Four Reminders. To show myself more compassion I’ll reframe what I just wrote to – Last night dear me was at capacity to absorb anymore anxiety and instead of practicing Right Speech, I was caught up in confusion, trying to convince my dear one out of their anxious state with information . I can sense now that I would have preferred to give them a big ole’ hug and ushered myself off to bed 😊
So, yeah, this dear one just turned 80 years old last month and death is real and comes without warning so if they had transitioned overnight that would have been a very sad way to end things with them. A hug always feels better and I accept that it’s not always going to work out that way and I yet I long for that ❤️
May I hold on to that our lives are precious and the aspiration/intention to deliver more hugs in all their forms and fewer “downloads” in all their forms 🪷
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I had to spend more time with the Four Reminders and found this very helpful, https://thebuddhistcentre.com/resources/dharma-teaching-four-reminders-vishvapani
A very small example – I have carried a pervasive sadness lately and have been unwilling to sit with it. I haven’t ignored it – can’t, it lives as I live, BUT I hadn’t allowed it to fully occupy my body. I suppose I feared what would happen if I did. Somehow I found the willingness to sit with it for two mornings, without story, just the sadness. I woke today and noticed that I had very little sadness present. Gratefulness was present. Sitting with it was the key.
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Thank you for sharing this resource.
1. This Precious Opportunity
Here, now, I have a chance to make something of my life.
I have health.
I have energy.
I have the ability to think and feel freely.
I have enough food and enough money to meet my needs.
I live in a country that free of war, and many of the other difficulties people can face.
I’m not trapped in a negative state of mind like madness, craving, hatred or depression.
All of these things can change, but while I have these advantages I have a great opportunity.I have had the great good fortune to meet the Dharma.
The Buddha taught it.
It has been practised down the generations.
Thanks to my teachers it has come to my country and my life in a form I can understand and accept.
I’ve had the good fortune to meet an effective Sangha, whose members offer me guidance and friendship.
All these conditions have made the Dharma a presence in my life, and made its practice possible for me.Am I making use of the opportunity this offers?
How much time I waste!
How much of my life passes in unawareness!
How strongly my habits constrain me!
I would be foolish to waste this chance.
So let me commit myself to practising as fully as I can.
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The concern that comes to mind that I have been “dealing” with recently and for this whole year so far is the challenges in starting my coaching business. It has been slow going and difficult at times, actually at most of the time. When I sit down and think about it, it feels frustrating, overwhelming, and annoyingly slow. I have had a vision of how it would work out and where I thought I’d be in my business journey by now, and it isn’t like that right now, which is disappointing and makes me feel like I am behind. This makes me lose a little confidence, and I get into negative thoughts. It is a real challenge for me.
As I look at it after contemplating the Four Reminders in relation to my present situation, I can feel a real shift in my overall perspective. I appreciate Susan reintroducing this particular foundational teaching to us in this class. When I think of the first of the Four Reminders: This Precious Human Life, I feel much lighter. I can see through my frustration, not that I don’t get frustrated and actually feel it, but when I remind myself that I am really lucky to have this beautiful life. I am truly lucky to have my life right now and that I can even have the opportunity to even start an online coaching business. If I were born a generation ago, this would not be possible at all. Or if I was in complete survival mode, then I would not have the capacity to have a business. If I didn’t have this human life at all, I would not have encountered the Dharma and been inspired to be of benefit to others. This reminder actually shifts my feelings from frustration to joy that I get to have this opportunity.
The second of the Four Reminders: Impermanence, or we are all going to die, also brings a shift in my perspective. This reminder helps me to have some sense of urgency, in that I am and will have my coaching business, and I will do what it takes to make it happen, not only for me, but for my girlfriend and future wife, and for those people who could use my help. I am 54 years old and know that time is ticking, so I am doing this now no matter what. I am not waiting any longer to do my best to have a successful business. This is my only life to do this, at least in this body and iteration. Contemplating Impermanence also brings about a feeling of lightness, in that I know that everything changes constantly. This is the nature of being, things are not static and that is great because life would cease to exist if this was the case. This allows me to slow down when I am feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and overthinking everything. I can see that this too will change and there will be times when things in my business are working better and with more flow in a positive direction. This shifts my mind from negativity to a more positive frame so I can be at my best and continue to move forward in my journey to help people an be of benefit to the world in some way.
The third of the Four Reminders: Karma is real or interdependent generation is one that also changes my perspective when I get frustrated and overwhelmed in my business journey. If I understand it correctly, it means what energy I put out into the world, that same energy will come back to me. I know that this is a simplified version of the idea of Karma, but this is how it helps me to change my perspective when I seem to get into negative thinking. When I slow down and really contemplate this reminder, then I can see how staying in frustration and overwhelm will just bring more of that same energy to me over and over, not that I won’t and don’t feel this when it comes up, but when I think of this reminder, I can remind myself to stop and shift my thoughts to a more positive ones. I feel the negative feelings, slow down and then let go of them as best I can, and then try to focus on what positive things I am doing and are in my business right now. This makes me feel lighter and not so heavy. The more I think of the positive things, the more I notice the good things in my business and what I am doing. This more positive energy helps me to continue to move forward and in some “magical” way brings some more positive things my way.
Finally, the fourth of the Four Reminders: Samsara or life is suffering/unsatisfactory. Contemplating this one is more difficult for me on its own, but easier when I mix it with the other three reminders. That tends to pacify it a little for me. Though, on its own, it is just true and a fact of life, so why bother to fight against it or ignore it? That will just bring about the suffering of suffering and who wants to compound things anyway? It doesn’t do any good at all. Also, knowing this to be true and being reminded of this makes me realize that we are all going through a similar journey in life. This reminder helps me to have much more compassion for my clients and potential clients as I can appreciate their struggles better because I too have had struggles. This allows me to have a closer connection with the people I engage with in my business because we are all imperfectly perfect as we are and we are all just doing the best we can right here right now. It helps me let go of heavy expectations in my business, appreciate my business, and move forward from frustration in an imperfect way.
I haven’t really contemplated the Four Reminders before, and I am glad Susan has reminded us of these reminders😂. I appreciate her for doing so!
A great short teaching video about the Four Reminders by Ringu Tulku Rinpoche really helped me in understanding the reminders much better. I will put a link here if anyone wants to watch, its only about 10 minutes long.
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Still dealing with this wrist injury on my dominant hand — still struggling to keep up with the regular pace of my daily life, and now with the added bonus of physical therapy exercises that for my well being I should do 2-3 times a day. It can feel like the whole day is an endless series of tasks — all work, no play in sight. Also feeling a bit in the doldrums returning from a beach trip with 4 good friends who have know me for over 30 years, I feel their absence and the absence of the one true goal of vacation which is pure enjoyment and relaxation… I guess “after the ecstasy the laundry” and how can I try to cultivate happiness, and hit my marks, and do all the things I need to do?
When I mix all this with the 4 reminders a few things can happen, I’ll talk at 2 here:
1. I can take the long view about this situation and feel a little better — this wrist injury is temporary, it is getting better day by day — all of humanity is in this suffering with me, I am not alone — I am fortunate in many ways. This attitude feels better, more workable.
2. I sometimes feel like refusing these larger contemplations and instead want to dig in my heels and wish all of this just wasn’t happening — ultimate non-acceptance! absolute refusal! much hiding underneath blankets! And so if I’m not in a mood to contemplate, trying to make myself do so results in a much worse attitude.
It’s a good reminder to take each day as it comes. It is all life, all a part of it — even when I can’t have the workable, “better” attitude.
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