Reply To: Week Five Essay
I am very curious about the possibility of letting go of self completely (that remains a total mystery – and aspiration?! – to me!). What I do know is that I’ve experienced quite a few moments of my “self” receding far into the distance and whenever that happens, what consistently emerges is, indeed, a feeling of deep gladness.
A few years back, I came across the quote from Leonard Cohen, “The less there was of me, the happier I got.” It struck such a chord in my heart and I’ve thought of it many times since. Thus far, based on my experience, the more I tap into the energy and awareness of interbeing, compassion, and impermanence, the more spacious and easeful I feel.
This past weekend, I was in Vermont to officiate my best friend’s wedding. It was a huge honor! Ten+ years ago, I would have been a sweaty, anxious, self-critical, and very un-easeful mess. Whenever I knew I had to speak “publicly”, I would feel a sense of dread park itself in my belly. There was so much pressure to “do well” and “prove myself” and “be liked”. I was saying yes to opportunities because I truly wanted them, but the energy around each experience was so tense and agitated and draining. This was actually a huge part of my early journey teaching meditation. I would sit up in front of a class and immediately feel like a deer in the headlights, armpits drenched. All of that anxious energy came from a good place inside of me (I truly wanted to be of benefit to others) but I finally came to realize – ha! – the problem was, I was making it all about ME (surprise!).
Through my years of practice, I’ve come to realize that of course it’s not about me. It never is and never was about me (ohhh hallelujah, what a relief). Whether speaking or teaching, yes – I’m here, playing a meaningful role – but the “spotlight” (if there even is one) is elsewhere. As my friend Lou says (about public speaking)…instead of standing up in front of an audience and saying “Here I am” say “There you are”. I finally began to realize that if I shifted my perspective from “proving myself” or even “doing a great job” (and also shifted the energy behind HOW I was showing up) to simply showing up and sharing from a place of love and reverence for these teachings, then everything shifted. With my friends wedding, I was simply there to usher them – alongside their entire community and their profound love, joy, and deep commitment to each other – into this next chapter of marriage together. And what a gift to be the one to hold that door open! That’s it. There’s no “me” in the equation. And of course the great irony is that, when there’s no “me”, the “me” that shows up is sensational! Grounded, inspired, free, so full of love. There were many moments throughout the ceremony where I found myself thinking “I’m really enjoying this! This is fun! Yay!” I now have a similar lighthearted experience when teaching/guiding meditation as well, and the happiness that wells up when I “get out of my own way” is a wonderful and generative feeling.
Briefly, a metaphor that comes to mind is body surfing. When I was first learning how to body surf (from my partner Ryan) he taught me how to duck under big waves. Instead of jumping up, flailing, taking a wave to the face, or trying to navigate over it, you simply just allowed yourself to sink a foot or two beneath the surface of the wave. And the whole big powerful thing just glides over your head like no big deal. And there you are on the other side. I think my experiences with ego have been similar. There can be all of the flailing…the leaping…the strategizing to get over the top. Or there can be the soft, quiet, dissolving beneath the wave. Ahhhhhh. It’s so simple. There’s no effort…but rather, a letting go.
I know I have a LONG way to travel in continuing to dissolve my sense of self and open my heart ever-wider, but the small tastes that I have experienced thus far have left me with zero question that the less there is of me, the happier I will become.