Where does real confidence come from?
April 11, 2011 | 14 Comments
Most people I know (including myself) suffer from lack of confidence, at least sometimes. Or all the time. The things I normally do to boost my confidence are chosen from among the following:
- Remind myself of sometime when someone said something nice to me.
- Call a friend and ask them if they think I’m talented/right/worthy.
- Downscale my original plan and start smaller.
- Lie on my bed and cry until some semblance of confidence returns.
- Get angry at anyone who ever dinged my confidence and vow to avoid them always.
Shockingly, these steps don’t work. I know. I’ve tried them lots and lots of times.
My teacher, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche counsels 5 steps that are very simple and practical, yet when you do them produce an outsized result. Rather than trying to talk yourself into or out of any particular feeling or representative action, these activities help you create and live within a kind of container* from which confidence will spontaneously arise.
- Clean up your space. (Doesn’t matter if it’s inexpensive or high-end: a clean, neat space is dignified and good)
- Wear nice clothes. (Not expensive, necessarily; laundered, well-fitting, and so on)
- Spend time with people who increase your energy. (As an act of joy, not resentment)
- Eat good food. (Not necessarily “healthy” or gourmet–means fresh; high quality ingredients)
- Spend time in the natural world.
These steps are about creating and taking up permanent residence in an elegant and uplifted environment. Try it! Let me know what you think.
*”Container Principle” is a fascinating concept, one that we Shambhala Buddhists think and talk about a lot. It refers to the space or environment or form that we create around a particular activity and how that container influences–or even gives rise to–an outcome. More on Container Principle in a future newsletter.
Tags: Buddhism, Buddhist Meditation, confidence, spiritual practicecategorized in: dharma, open heart project
14 Comments
I like this. It’s funny how just going back to basics can help so much. I also find that standing up straighter and holding my head up can help, since when I’m lacking confidence I tend to fold in on myself.
And then sometimes I will sing the “Confidence” song from the Sound of Music, which helps, especially if you act it out as well, in nature wearing your nice clothes of course (like Maria.)
Ha! Love both these strategies…
my dad’s an architect which i think is making me very curious about the “container principle.” in my mind i’m immediately applying it to my physical surroundings…probably because making them orderly and pleasant has been a part of my life for as long as i can remember.
i’m absolutely loving your blog and your “open your heart to change the world” emails. my meditation practice is happening about 80% of the week and i’m seriously considering going to a one-day meditation retreat with karen maezen miller. (i attended a retreat with her in february – not meditation based, but did give us a glimpse of it – that i LOVED.)
thank you so much for all of your energy here…it is truly appreciated.
Tamara, I’m thrilled to get your feedback! I’m so glad these emails are useful and to know that they are supporting your practice.
Karen is awesome. In fact, I have a guest post from her coming right up. And let us know how your retreat goes, when/if it happens. xoxS
Hi Susan,
I love your own efforts to increase your confidence – they mostly reside in you looking to the outside world to validate your existence and worth!
I love the idea of creating a wholesome space for you to exist in and nurturing yourself in the ways that your teacher describes. That’s exactly what we do when we have a truly healthy sense of ourselves.
I’d never really considered that you could take up the habits of confident and healthy self-esteemed people and take them on as your own to help you create the same sense of self. I’m forever overcomplicating this stuff – nice to have a simple breath of fresh air every now and again! Thanks – I’ll ensure that this simple wisdom is passed on!
Thanks, Dan! And I’m so glad you found this useful.
Can you clarify what you mean when you say “Eat good food. (Not necessarily “healthy” or gourmet–means fresh; high quality ingredients)”?
Not to split hairs (or celery stalks), but can this also include (good, high-quality) ice cream, potato chips, or donuts?
Ted, what I mean is that if you’re going to eat ice cream, eat ice cream made from good cream. If you eat potato chips, make them yourself from real potatoes. Donuts, I’m not so sure about…
Speaking of donuts, I had a really awesome gluten-free warm cinnamon donut the other morning from a place in Santa Fe that is known for using organic, locally-sourced ingredients. I was amazed because I’m an avowed Dunkin Donuts fan : )
Seriously, sort of, I find this list from the Sakyong really helpful. My tendency toward sloth and laziness often means that my physical space is not as simple nor beautiful as might serve me. I look forward to paying more attention to this factor and see what else changes in my life.
Also, paradoxically, I’ve found that the less I care about other people’s opinions, the more confidence I’m gaining. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, it’s more about un-hooking from the need for approval outside of myself. It’s an ongoing process…
I always rearrange my living room or bedroom and it makes my head clearer. I am refreshed and my creativity boosts! Not to mention I get rid of stuff that’s been weighing me down.
Sounds good to me!
Self confidence never inherited, it learned only.
:)Self confidence never inherited, it learned only.
Confidence literally means “with faith”….so you can trust yourself and life anytime anywhere,accept what is and cocreate!