Ask The Hard Questions before marriage!

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Today is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year and I hope it is for each and every one of you. And if you’re thinking of getting married or otherwise settling in to one relationship, congratulations. You are fortunate, brave, and, if you’re like most of us, terrified. Why do so many couples get divorced?!

When I was thinking of getting married (almost 10 years ago now, I cannot believe it), I got really panicky. I mean I loved my boyfriend and everything, but so what. All my divorced friends loved their boyfriends when they got married too. I thought really, really hard about whether or not to go through with it (obviously; I wrote 100 questions before I said yes) and I also reflected about (all) my past failed relationships. And I had a startling realization. None of my past serious relationships failed because we didn’t love each other anymore. It was not a matter of love at all. These relationships failed because one of us (okay, me) didn’t love our life together. We were unable to create a LIFE that we both loved. I was kind of shocked when I thought of this: you mean just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re going to love your life together?? No one had ever said this.

So I started to write down questions about our life.

Would we keep our money separate or together?

What holidays would he celebrate?

What would his son call me?

How satisfied were we with each other’s level of ambition? (Could be too much, could be too little.)

Where would we live? (At the time we lived in two different cities.)

How long will we live there?

What if one of us wants to stop working?

Will we have kids and if so, when?

Answering these questions proved to be an amazing experience. And believe me, it’s not like we agreed on everything. If fact, we probably agreed, disagreed, and drew a blank in equal measure. But here’s the thing. We loved, loved, loved each other so much when we were done answering the questions. WHETHER OR NOT WE AGREED WITH EACH OTHER. That was key. There is something so endearing, empowering, and–yes–loving about having this kind of conversation together. We felt so close. And let’s face it, romance is going to end. Period and just get over it if you think that’s wrong. But there’s something way, way better than romance: intimacy. Answering these questions was an act of great intimacy and trust. And while romance kind of piffles away at some point, there is absolutely no end to intimacy. It is profound, mysterious, and completely trustworthy. It’s worth a lifetime of commitment. After almost 1o years, I feel this way even more than when we first got married.

For our parents and grandparents, these questions were probably not
necessary. The conventions of marriage were understood. Parents or grandparents were likely of the same religion and the opposite sex. But today all bets are off. So extra effort is required to see through your projections of “the perfect partner” and instead see the perfect partner in front of you, exactly as he or she is. This way, when you say I love you, you’re saying it to an actual human being and not someone you’ve succeeded in casting in the role of bride or groom. When you finally do say “I Do” you will know what you are saying and who you are saying it to. And what is more loving than this?

Our wedding day. My dress had feathers.

categorized in: relationships