A Moving Wish
September 8, 2008 | 9 Comments
I moved to Boston about 6 years ago, from Manhattan. Before that, I lived in Austin, TX. I grew up in D.C.
I would move back to Manhattan or Austin in a millisecond. I’d also relocate to D.C. because of my parents and other family. But I do not, repeat, do NOT want to live in Boston.
Everyone who knows me is sick of knowing how much I don’t like Boston. (Apologies to those who do. It’s just a matter of chemistry, I’m convinced.) I simply don’t fit in here and not fitting in is actually painful. It’s more than not liking the scenery or the food or the weather or the architecture—none of those things really matter all that much when you feel at home. I’m not at home.
I moved here to live with my husband. We lived apart for the first three years of our marriage, me in NYC, him in Boston but eventually I ran out of excuses to maintain two households. Very expensive. And I ran out of non-financial excuses as well; he had enough of hearing about my sensitive nervous system and unremitting introversion—he wanted a shared life, not two concurrent ones. And I thought, if I’ve always lived on some kind of experimental edge (within myself), then what could be more daring than to attempt a conventional lifestyle? What could be more avant garde than pushing myself beyond my comfort zone when it comes to love?
(Let me tell you, it’s been very difficult. I love Duncan way more than I ever though possible, in large part due to this nutty experiment of compromising on “my needs” which are bullshit anyway. Mostly just excuses to avoid the discomfort of love. But as the love has deepened, so has my neurosis about being too close to anyone. I do have a sensitive nervous system. I am wildly introverted. But I digress.)
It’s all been well and good, but I just don’t like Boston. It’s not a home for me. I’m sort of reaching my breaking point about tolerating it, in no small part because winter is approaching. So I’m putting out an APB to the world: Please help us move within the next 12 months. At this time next year, I want to have relocated to Manhattan, Austin, D.C., or somewhere currently unknown to me but just as perfect as a home. I want to go home.
If you’ve read this post to the end, please join me in wishing for home, for yourself, for me, for all beings everywhere.
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9 Comments
Susan,
You’ve stated your intention to the world…now stay positive and picture yourself in your new home. You’ve already given yourself what seems like a reasonable timeframe.
This is exactly how I approach my desire for a new home. I’m still living in the house that my ex and I bought, and it’s been on the market for five months. I remain positive every day as I picture myself in my new home (wall colors, new textiles, etc.) and I also envision the new owner of this house turning it into a real home with lots of love, energy and laughter.
Keep stating your intentions every day! It WILL happen for you.
I’ve just talked to my Metta assistant, and you’ve been added to our “To-Metta” list. Our offices are located in the heart of Queens, so you can expect to receive a quick response.
-Sarah
Hi Susan,
Aah…to go home.
Manhattan or Austin. Well they are not exact opposites, but pretty close. I loved living in Texas.
This is not just about a city place for your desk, books, breakfast table and bed. It’s more than where you walk and talk and meet with friends, associates and neighbors.
Welcome to the point of clearly defining your meaning of “feeling at home and fitting in.” You already have a reference point visualized what a better situation would be like. Tell us some more. How do you cultivate the constructive unrest, that unbridgeable gap between desire and satisfaction?
My last move was from Kansas to Jacksonville, FL. Winter? This is the second time I moved south. I tell people I put a snow shovel on top of my car and drove south until someone asked “What’s that?” I knew I was home. Although some initial struggles, Jacksonville has felt like home for the better part of the past 16 years. I love the beach and the grand vista of an ocean sunrise. Plus on really good days you can do Bikram Yoga outside.
So..what are Duncun’s thoughts on moving and finding a new home? You have mentioned this to him, correct?
Just as perfect as a home.
Cheers,
-Tom
Last ramblin’ thoughts…
We’ve most likely have outgrown going back home in our mind’s eye for that moment in time.
I lived close enough to family to be convenient yet far enough away to make it an occasion.
Do not leave because of a reason…always go for a purpose.
I don’t recall if Dorthy ever made it back home to Kansas.
Home is where you nurture something more than just yourself.
I’m a 52 year old greyhead. I’m done with snow shoveling.
To be continued: “Susan Moves Home” or “Susan Moves On”
Susan – I was born in Boston and left as soon as I could. Now, I’m back here and can’t wait to leave…so we’re on parallel paths. Austin, home of early adopters and excellent music would be top on my list. Lived in DC for quite some time and loved, loved, loved it. You can count on me to help you move…I really get it.
Susan, I understand your deep yearning for home and the terrible pain of misalignment between inner and outer worlds. I’m a Canadian living in San Diego, and, although I can logically explain the sound rationale for being here at this point in my life and even embrace the positive aesthetics of the place, it has never and will never feel like home- emotionally, socially, politically, and spiritually. I know I am an alien when I walk the large, empty streets while hermetically sealed people in cars whiz by, juggling electronic devices to “connect” them to the world beyond their vehicles. There are a thousand points of disjuncture between my experience before coming here and my time here. For a time, I had to make periodic escapes back home to familiarity, to “detoxify” my system, as it were, and replenish my soul. But now, after a deep process of inner searching, I am able to identify more with the tortoise that slowly and steadfastly carries its home on its back (and, no doubt, in its heart). Namaste.
Liz, Thomas, Sarah, Gayle, Susan:
I’m so touched by your understanding and good wishes! And advice. And metta-machinations from Queens. What could be better?
I’m also moved to hear from others who feel displaced. I guess with all the moving around we do…
As far as the constructive unrest mentioned by Thomas, I sort of don’t know what to do with it. (But thanks for asking.) The best thing I can do is manifest (not fight) the feelings of sorrow and dissatisfaction when they arise–and not a moment before or after they do. I think this is the most loving thing I can do, as opposed to blaming Duncan or myself, issuing ultimatums, and/or trying to turn my negative feelings into faux-positive ones. I’m very against default positive thinking; I notice that it robs me of some native intelligence, which is not exactly available in endless supply. (Let the thought police arrest me if they must.)
I’ve spent plenty of time trying to convince myself that my dislike of Boston is a state of mind and that other people like it, there’s nothing wrong with it, the things/people I can love are just around the corner and I have to keep looking…but really none of those things are relevant. It’s just bad chemistry and the muscle memory of living someplace I DO feel at home (Austin, New York) is just too strong and too real. When I first moved to Austin (by accident—literally: my car broke down there) I remember the incredible feeling of softening outward that immediately arose for me. I felt like a plucked flower that had finally been planted somewhere warm and nourishing. I could stop conserving against a cold and ungiving place and instead let my energy shoot down through the roots and at last find something to grab a hold of. In NY it was a bit different—instead of feeling all warm and held, I felt joyful and expansive. My people! That’s what I felt every time I’d walk out to buy a newspaper, come above ground from the subway, or even see NYC in a movie: These are my people! Hello! I am so happy to be back among you! I love that feeling. Anyway, in Boston I don’t feel ensconced and I don’t feel met on any kind of tribal level.
And btw, I realize Austin and Manhattan are very different places, but not really. Both have an incredible sense of place, of soul, of rootedness. Each has a personality that remains intact and unique and completely unto itself. No amount of Walmarts can change that, at least not yet. And each is happy to be what it is. There is a kind of relaxation that comes with being yourself and environments aren’t different than people in this way.
And yes, Susan, we can carry our homes on our backs, I agree! But it is such relief to not have to carry it all by yourself, even to shed it and allow home to be created for you by the sites, sounds, and vibes that touch you for whatever reason they do. This is a sweet situation indeed and I wish it for you!
Gayle, you can count on me to help you move. I’m helping you right now… I know you’re helping me too.
Last night Duncan and I had an amazingly fruitful and loving conversation about all this. I’m gonna blog about it. As soon as I finish writing my book… No, just kidding. I’ll finish it tomorrow… (Actually, I am quite close to finishing “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart” which is good because it’s due in October.)
Love to you all. I’m so happy to know you. Susan
Hi Susan! I can totally relate – I’ve actually been “not at home” for all my life – having lived right here in NH the whole time. I’ve discovered a number of things that have really helped me to “be” right here.
1st – It’s really super important – especially if you are sensitive – to make sure that your space is clear of any lingering heavy energies from previous residents. This can be accomplished fairly easily with a house clearing and blessing which you can do yourself or with help from a trained practitioner.
2nd – Make a connection with the land that your home is on. Go to the four corners of the property in a clockwise fashion and call in the spirits of the land to support you while you are there. Stand in the center of your home or property and visualize yourself rooting right in to the soil of the land like a great oak tree – this will help you to feel energetically supported until such time as you do make the leap to your next nest.
3rd – Ask the guides, the nature spirits of the land and the land itself to support you in receiving & integrating the “lesson” that you came to this land to learn. If you don’t learn the lesson and integrate it here the work will just follow you to your next location.
4th – Know without a doubt that you will be perfectly supported and connected with your dream as long as you stay in a state a grace and gratitude for what is now and what is presently unfolding for you. You have a strong intent and you are an immensely powerful creative being. See it, feel it, hear it and know it. Your dreams will manifest quickly now that you have set your intent. Be sure – extra sure – to gather the “gifts” from this experience.
As we prepare to enter into Mercury Retrograde it’s a GREAT time to re-capitulate all the reasons that brought you here, all the lessons that you’ve learned, and the deeper work is to notice if this is a pattern that you might wish to shift, the desire to be cloistered and apart could be the residue of a past life (or many past lives) which is coming up for healing and resolution for you. A soul retrieval session may be something you might wish to consider. Feel free to check out my blogposts of today and yesterday to see more about soul retrieval.
Ultimately the desire is to feel at home where ever you are on the planet. Know that you are surrounded by love, light and many allies who are supporting this movement for you now – the movement to a place of inner peace and the movement to the place that feels like home.
Many blessings on your journey – Amethyst
Susan, I’m late to this conversation, but have to add: I know you’re a regular visitor to Colorado, particularly the Front Range area. Would it be a place that you’d consider living in? I live in Denver and although it’s not perfect (not enough great Italian food, every other city is a long ways away, etc), I have been very, very happy living here. We have great bookstores, reasonably good shopping, world-class outdoor resources, and a generally very healthy, progressive population. Like you, the only other place I’d really like to live is Manhattan,
but this works for now.
Rich
Susan, I am also late to the conversation but had to put my 2 cents in. I am going to have to totally disagree with you on a few things, but also agree. 🙂 First, I just moved to Boston from NYC. I understand feeling displaced because that is how I felt in Manhattan. I always felt that it was because I am so sensitive and I felt the city overtook me. I am also intense, which is why I also felt I fit in. But, it (NYC) was too much of an influence after awhile and I was lost to it (I lived there for 8 years). At first it wasn’t a problem, but then I had to let go and it wasn’t a good letting go. I can see how the City is different for others, but for now it is so not the place for me (like Boston for you). It’s funny that I’m reading this post today because I was in NYC last week for 4 days, for the first time since I moved, and I found it very difficult. I guess it’s a love-hate relationship. I don’t know what my relationship to Boston is yet- we’ll see. I’m wrapped up my work and forget that I’ve actually moved to a different part of the country. And, I’m so happy to have some s p a c e from that NYC intensity. I guess I’m mostly just sad that you will be leaving me here in Boston in about 12 months. No- I’m happy that you will try another place, searching for your home. I can’t wait to visit you in Austin! (hee hee) With Love, Jill B.